The Woman Inside, Lauren's Journey
I care, I care so much that it hurts! It is almost excruciating, and it never goes away! I bear the pain and sorrow of so many people’s stories that have been told to me. But I also bear the joy and happiness of being able to be there for them, to listen to their stories, and tell them mine, as the true person I now am, Lauren, the woman inside.
I also bear the pain and sorrow of always wanting to pursue truth, to be an honest person, but I am guilty of living a lie for almost all of my life. From as far back as I can remember, I always felt, and knew, that I was supposed to be a girl, and in my case I recently found out that I am, a girl, a woman, an intersex female. I have listened to, and read, the similar stories that have been shared with me by many sisters who are intersex and/or transgender. This is a common story shared by many of them. There are very similar stories from intersex people who identify as male but were raised as female. We always knew we were different, that we were feminine, or masculine. But we also knew, or were often told, even by doctors and family, that we had to keep that a secret, hidden deep inside.
Who we truly were and felt like inside was not allowed, and if detected, was often dealt with severely. If they said we were boys, then boys had to do boy things, wear boy clothes, play with boy toys, and be rough and tough. The exact same rules applied to those who were told they were girls, but never felt feminine, many of them living their lives as tomboys.
So we all became actors. Doing our best to perform the rolls we were given, when we knew that wasn’t who we truly were.
Some of us found out when we were young children and our parents let us know. Others of us found out when their bodies entered puberty and the results were quite different from normal physical changes. Many found out in their later adult years, which is part of my story. Often many people are found to have been intersex after they have died and an autopsy is performed.
Today, there is a growing understanding, and much more available knowledge about who we are as intersex people.
The common thread that applies to all of us is this: Every single one of us was born this way! There are many who insist that there are only two biological sexes, period, male and female. They’ve tried to lump intersex together with being transgender, which they’re now trying to say is a mental illness.
Intersex people are born as a biological mix, and one way I’ve seen us described is, born both. We have physical anatomy and traits that are both male and female. Most of us have always had an innate sense of what gender we are, regardless of our physical traits.
My story is quite similar to that of so many other intersex sisters and brothers. I was aware that I was different from a very young age, always knowing I was supposed to be a girl. I grew up having that knowledge indelibly printed on my brain and was constantly aware of it. I recall having many episodes of intense pain in my lower groin area, spending time in the hospital and being poked and prodded by numerous doctors. As puberty kicked in my body went in two separate directions. I developed small breasts, a nice bum, hips and thighs. I started growing more body hair but my private parts remained very small, my voice remained soft and I never developed an Adam’s Apple.
I had to have open heart surgery almost three years ago and, while recuperating, came to the realization that I was probably a transgender woman. I transitioned to living as the person I’ve always felt I was and have been doing so for almost two years. Last year I developed a medical condition that required a trip to the ER. After having further tests I met with a lady doctor who had spent some time going through my medical records. She asked me many questions, also telling me many things about my physical traits. She said I’d developed condition common to women, a urinary tract infection, probably due to what she called my “unique anatomy.” She said it was interesting that I developed a UTI and had come in identifying as a transgender woman. She told me that my chromosomes are XXY and I was intersex, placed her hand on my knee, saying, “Lauren, you are a woman.”
I’ve often looked at my life’s journey as a large puzzle, missing many large pieces. When she told me I was an intersex woman, I saw the missing pieces all fall into place.
I am an intersex female, biologically a woman. My story is echoed in the lives of so many other intersex brothers and sisters. The chances are very real that you already know someone who is intersex. We are as common as red haired people and those who are left handed. Estimates are that there are 3300 people born each day who are intersex. We are here! We’ve always existed! Yes, we are different. We were all born that way and have the right to live our lives just as you have the right to live your life. To live our lives free of shame and judgment. Free of harassment and being bullied, free of discrimination, being miss gendered, and refused service just because we are, different. We are, I am, intersex, and proud of who I and my sisters and brothers are! And we will, LIVE!!