Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
With the start of my time living as Fiona 24/7, I've started this new blog thread. Like the previous one, in fact probably more so, I may be going to over-share in here, sorry 🙂
----------------------------------------------
So, on Tuesday lunchtime I took off my last drab clothes for a week. I don't want to overdo this story by waxing too lyrical, but I actually thought at the time that, in some ways, it felt like it was the start of a new phase of my life when I put my bra on and slipped my favourite denim dress over my head. The little changes I've made, like the duvet gone from over the curtains, the handbag instead of the rucksack to store my car keys and purse in, seem more significant because until now I hadn't really changed any of the ways in which the house ran from in drab mode, I'd just added a few touches of my own.
From the start, I'm being determined about this. I'm giving myself full permission to feel as feminine as I may, as much as I might. I am going to do everything en femme unless I have to be in drab, which will be pretty much just seeing the OH one evening every couple of weeks and a few other times with family. Not that I don't miss them all as Fiona (albeit who can't ever meet them), but this time is about being myself.
Eventually after getting all the post-holiday housework underway, I rang a local company to get my TV aerial sorted. I gave my name as Fiona and told them to let the guy know I'd be opening the door to him in a dress (oops, forgot to mention the dangly earrings which I think caught him unawares 😳). That all went fine, he and I were both perfectly comfortable and that's a job done for both of us. Wednesday, back to work, but this time with basic makeup, where the previous day I'd not bothered due to it already being the afternoon. This wasn't a day of much action, but quite significant on a personal front, as I came out as Fiona to the Admin Team of the car club and one of my other friends there. Apart from one guy who simply hasn't said anything, they are all so pleased for me and are using my new name away from the public forum. I expect Fiona will become an open secret in there too in the future though.
Thursday morning, I felt the sun-rash on my arms had gone down enough that I could finally get the fur off them, which I've only ever done once before. I went with the epilator for speed and convenience, also not to pull my holiday tan off with the hair. But oh hell did it hurt at times! Just the next day after a couple of doses of moisturiser though, the results have been well worth it. Immediately afterwards, the denim dress was too hot so I changed into a simple lightweight one that was one of my earliest eBay purchases. I also painted my nails: that's to say, I did my toes quite nicely and then managed to make it too thick on my fingers trying to keep them shiny, which damaged the surface too easily due to still being so soft quite some time later. I scraped my fingers clear again and re-did just the basecoat before bed.
Today, I decided the legs were now well enough with their own diminishing sun-rash for the epilator, although that's a much easier proposition as they're regularly waxed already. So as I sat down for work with my breakfast, it was with lovely fresh smooth moist legs 😊 I managed to complete the fingernails again but they really are very soft still. (Nope, not much work done today either!). I'll persevere with them though, I'm determined I'm still going to have them when I see the OH on Tuesday evening, this is not me being Fiona to her since she's seen that it's something that men also now do. It's a slate blue/grey so quite a masculine shade, too. To me though, I'm sure that not having to take them off again the next day is going to reinforce the feeling that I have of life being different from here. To celebrate, I got the camera out and there's a new shot in my public photos. Not my finest I don't think but I wanted something visual to remember these few days by.
As yet, I've not been anywhere and other than the aerial man, I've only said hello to the neighbour's wife once briefly and had a delivery from the postman. It being nicer today, I really needed to get out in some way, and luckily it was dry and warm, perfect for mowing my lawns at lunchtime. But this evening has provided the main event of the day. I feel like I've now really experienced the sunset the way a woman might. I was out in my back garden dressed exactly as in the photo, with my wedge sandals. I got to stand and walk around my garden in the cool in my best femme manner, feeling the still air around my legs in my light dress, listening to the birds singing all around almost as if they were echoing off the rooftops, the light traffic on the main road muted, and glorious oranges and pinks in the clouds floating so slowly past overhead. That really was a sunset in stereo, I'm sure I don't get to appreciate them on this sort of level in drab 😊
Tomorrow is where the action starts, I'll be going round the supermarket and into town, and I might even get to the tip with a few things to get rid of. I'm hoping to go and see my son again on Sunday, this time as Fiona of course 🙂
As an afterthought, one thing that's occurred to me is the alternative title that I should have put on the subject heading, in brackets: " ... or is that, 'The journey has begun'? "
Great for you, Fiona. Sounds like you are going along the path to presenting as Fiona full time, or at least full time for the next few weeks. It is a place where you are truly 'yourself '??
That is where I find myself also. At this moment I am watching my 5 year old granddaughter presenting as Cassie and playing Barbie with her. I am getting very comfortable being Cassie everywhere every day.
Cassie
@loneleycd I'm certainly going to be full time as far as possible over the summer. This is where I get to find out if this is truly myself, or as equally myself as when I'm in drab, or even if I don't actually want to go back into drab. At this point I realise I'm at a cross-roads in my life and I need to listen to myself to work out which way to go.
@finallyfiona thankyou for that final, please continue your story as it progresses, put a smile on my face while reading it.
@candycross If people are enjoying my ramblings, that makes me happy too 🙂 Thank you Jane and I certainly will be writing more. Probably way too much more!
@finallyfiona Yes, please continue (sharing) your story. You can‘t overshare! This was so wonderful to read. I didn‘t want to end this post. It made me get really emotional (and tear up a bit) in the most positive way. I‘m glad and very happy for you Fiona. You‘re an inspiration!
xxx,
Jamie
@jamiec Jamie now you're making me well up! Thank you hon 🤗 I'm really pleased if you can take something from what I'm writing.
It's my intention to keep adding to this thread regularly through the summer, or at least until it becomes unmanageably large, at which point I'll simply start another!
Fiona xxx
Wonderful news to hear that your 24/7 Fiona time has begun 😀 . I will be looking forward to reading the updates.
Now, if you are anything like me, as the days and weeks en femme go by, you will discover what every other girl discovers: "I've got nothing to wear" 🙄 . Somehow there is always a good set of reasons why none of the items in the wardrobe will do for today. But there is a solution - become more immersed in the joys of shopping! It's all part of the girl experience.
Seriously though, make sure you enjoy being Fiona day-by-day and moment-by-moment as you explore the right future for yourself.
Hugs, Rebecca xxx
@fembecky Rebecca, I'd better not have nothing to wear with the amount of clothes I'm buying! Oh, that's why ... I think I've got this covered 🙂 This afternoon I was in the charity shops in the High Street and bought some more new at Tescos 😳
@annaredhead Thank you honey * hugs * I've just posted about today's excursion at the bottom of the thread 🙂
This is brilliant! I can't wait for further instalments! You're doing stuff that I wish I had the courage to do. You rock, girl!
@jacquelinelarkspur Jacqui my lovely you are too nice to me 🙂 Thank you. As it happens, there might be something below that you might like to read 🙂
I once lived as Cerys for 5 weeks. If not long come out of hospital and I decided that vets wasn't going to be a secret anymore, so after discussing it with my wife, we decided that I should tell the world. We also agreed that I could be "the other me" for all king as I needed. I was signed off work so I had all the time in the world.
I really did live as Cerys. From morning to night. Everything I needed to do was dinner as Cerys. Visited to the doctors, trips to the hospital for tests, pharmacy visits, getting tyres put on the car, shopping.... Everything. I was living as Cerys. I did this for 5 weeks. One day, I woke up, went and showered, and returned to the bedroom and dressed in man mode. I don't know why. It was just the mood I was in.
For a while, I genuinely thought that maybe it was trans and not a crossdresser. Living as Cerys felt right. It was easy. I was very comfortable. I was Cerys. That day that I chose to dress in make mode reaffirmed that I was indeed a crossdresser and not trans. I'm now at the stage where I'm happy to be in either mode. Cerys has been dominant over the past couple of weeks, but male me has been out as well.
It is great to be able to be Cerys as and when I please, but it's also nice to be able to be the real me too.
Cerys
@dazzler Thank you for telling me about that Cerys 🙂 As an outcome, I really wouldn't be unhappy with it if I were to come to the same realisation. That's exactly the sort of answer I'm doing this to find. I hope though, from now on I will consider both my drab self and Fiona to be the real me 🙂
Hi Cerys, thanks for that post, it really struck a chord with me. I go out most days crossdressed with my wife - this morning it was a nice stroll round Oxford by the river, followed by coffee and a visit to a cosmetics store where they introduced me to eye shadow and mascara ... one of the small step-by-step moves to improve my make-up skills. But when I come home I am equally happy to be in drab in the evenings. Both the boy and the girl sides of me are equally happy (and together they constitute the real me), but I strongly suspect that if either part was missing it would be sorely missed.
Rebecca
And from her first, tentative steps, Fiona now soars in the sky! I am truly in....wait while I check the thesaurus...awe, yes that's the right word, in awe of your courage, determination and achievements, hon. It's obvious from the replies so far, how inspiring your updates are.
Although I have no strong desire to be "out there" en femme, I take vicarious enjoyment..and share the pain, of your journey, through your open, honest and sensitively written accounts and I thank you for that.
I look forward to reading more as you continue to keep us informed of your progress.
Hugs!
Allie x
@alexina Allie, consider yourself roundly hugged my dear, that's so nice of you to say 😊 You really know how to put a lump in a girl's throat! Thank you 🙂
@finallyfiona thank you Fiona for sharing your experience and please continue. Your story reinforces my desire to be Denise for two upcoming opportunities. First I have arranged a makeover in Toronto, the day prior to a two day training course where I plan to live as Denise for these two days. Then, we will be grandparents this summer and my spouse will be out of town in Vancouver for 3 weeks. This will be a first for me to experience my feminine side on more than one day. Good luck and and fun in your continued adventure.
Denise
@isabella22 Denise, that's wonderful news! I hope everything goes really well for you, and you can remember all the tips your MUA gives you. When I had my makeover in March, I was almost too overwhelmed to take in all of what she was doing. That was a part of what happened on my first full day as Fiona in a week of multiple dressing days ... you have been warned 😀 Do I read that you're attending the training course as Denise, and does that mean you're coming out at work?
@finallyfiona unfortunately no Fiona, I am not there yet and probably will never be. While my SO is very supportive, she will not go out with me in public. For respect and not to hurt our more than 40 years, I am privileged to have gone so far. My aim is to include a new experience every time I go out. Thanks for the en encouragement. More n the experience to come.
@34sarah Lovely to hear from you honey 🙂 I was very nervy the first time I went to the supermarket a few months ago, but not any more. These days I'm very confident out in public, it feels completely natural to be dressed. Keep reading down the thread if you get a chance, I've been doing lots of exciting things since that first weekend!
Hugs,
Fiona xxx
@finallyfiona sounds wonderful. I will be dressing more often now. My wife left me yesterday, oh thank God. She left me 2 tops, 3 bras amd 2 pair of jeans of hers. Damn I wish I would have tried on her clothes long ago. The VS bras fit so good I can't believe it. Again Fiona, you write so well. Hugs, Michele.
Lovely to see the conviction in your post Fiona. You own it girl! Keep us updated with your progress dear xx.
@chrisfp99 I certainly will! I'm conscious though that this blog might become frustrating for you to read, I do hope I'm not overdoing it so far. Fingers crossed you've managed to change things around in the face of the challenges you were left with, to still be able to enjoy your Chrissie time now and next week 🤗
Big hugs my dear,
Fiona xxx
Hi Fiona as Chrissie has said go for it and keep us informed when possible..i love your approach and positive attitude, love and hugs xx
@samanthaxxxx I really don't get this approach and attitude from my drab side, it's quite surprising to find myself living by it! There will be updates, for sure 🙂
Fiona -
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm looking forward to hearing more as your journey continues. I'm envious of you sitting in your garden watching the sunset, I can only imagine how it felt to do that.
XOXO
Suzanne
I'm envious of you sitting in your garden watching the sunset, I can only imagine how it felt to do that.
I count myself very lucky that I'm able to do this most evenings; it feels absolutely wonderful 🙂
Ellie x
@ellyd22 Doesn't it just. I've stopped trying to take photos of wonderful sunsets now, even in drab I just experience them as far as I am able. I feel like a sunset is fleeting, given to enjoy the moment, and shouldn't be taken to try and keep 🙂
I completely agree.
Too often people get so hung up on documenting the moment that they forget to actually experience it.
@cdsue I didn't even think to take the camp chair out there that's right by the patio door! I wanted to move to really 'be there' and feel my connection to it all. I'm not normally one for mindfulness but it certainly has its place 🙂
Hi Fiona,
Thanks for sharing your experience, it’s definitely a joy to take inventory and present our feminine side as we prepare for the day, night, week, etc. A week sounds like a delightful time for sure. Enjoy yourself!
@tamiya4u The first week of several months, and I'm definitely relishing the prospect, although I might not still be enjoying it as much by the end ... or I might not want to stop! At this point I really don't know, but the whole purpose is to find out 🙂
@finallyfiona Oh wow, I thought you were in it for a week, never mind, lol. Last year I was alone for three months during the summer. It was definitely fun, but the weather was hot and relatively muggy, so sneaking out around the neighborhood was not enjoyable. The days go by fast, so enjoy it while you can!
@tamiya4u Thank you honey! I might have to chat with you on PM about your femme time last year if that would be alright 🙂
Hugs,
Fiona xxx
I was out twice this afternoon, first to the recycling centre before returning for a quick late lunch, then out again, shopping in the charity shops up and down the High Street. A girly first for me, I finally got to try on some dresses, behind the curtain! It was in a understair alcove so it got rather hot and my mascara ran under my eyes, but I'd thought to bring a handbag mirror and spotted it quite quickly. The pleasant young cashier who'd kindly held onto the two dresses I'd chosen, said 'I like your skirt! I've been looking for one like that.' I thanked her, and we had a little conversation about it. Such a girly, accepting thing to do - that was really perceptive of her. I certainly have a lot more respect for the younger generation as Fiona 🙂
In the last shop I was in, I chatted with other customers and turned up a reversible skirt in blue themes and quite a plain but smart white sleeveless blouse to team with it. I chatted with the cashier about his plastic-tagging gun, as he reattached a label that had come away from one of them, to keep it safe. That's the geek in me, which I see I've inherited as Fiona also 🙄 But it does show that this is me, yes that tall blonde girl in the denim skirt, yellow spaghetti vest with a thick yellow lace flower pattern t-shirt over it 🌻. The one with the smile on her face 🙂
Then, back to the car to drop off the legally-gotten gains 🙂 pick up the shopping bag and into Tescos we go. Loosely planning a menu for the week and buying bits and pieces of food, I also found some cuticle oil, and a hairbrush and some tissues for my handbag. Then there were more clothes! At the till I realised, after two pairs of shorts had been put through, that I'd picked up the wrong sizes without checking. Bless her, the lady was very good taking them off again, just as she was completing the removal of the security tags too 😳 Then she ended up taking the wrong item off the bill and I had to find it in my bags for her to scan it again, so we both just looked at each other with a shrug and a smile 🙂 Eventually we got the right amount on the bill and I paid. But not at any time in that conversation did I even notice that I was dressed, in fact, not at any time since I got in through the doors. I was just out in the supermarket doing a bit of shopping of a late Saturday afternoon. I went round again to pick up the right sizes of the shorts and took them through the self-service checkouts, showing the girl attendants that I'd already paid for what was in my bags. 'Ooh, you got the golden tie-waist blouse? I've got that one too, you'll love it, it's really light in the warm weather.' She was surprised when I told her I'd just picked it up from the sale rack, I think I might have got a bargain there! She took the security tags off my (now correctly-sized) shorts for me and I went on my way home with an even bigger smile 🙂
As drab me, I just would never have those conversations with people. As Fiona, it feels completely natural to be sat here now, typing this post in one of the dresses I bought, it's sleeveless and above-the-knee, and it feels lovely to wear. I'm a different person, and it feels like I'm being positively accepted as who I am. I really am living a different life and I'm loving it ❤️
Tomorrow, it's arranged, I'm going to go and see my son - as Fiona of course. And, of all places, we're going to go to his local recycling centre! @fembecky, you might be familiar with it. Oh, and you're right by the way 🙂 I've now got a whole wardrobe full of clothes, but no idea what to wear, none of it seems to be quite the right choice for the day!
@finallyfiona just reading about doing normal everyday stuff en-femme is really uplifting. Well done to you!
@annaredhead Thank you Anna 🙂 This weekend has been a case of starting relatively small, but no less enjoyable for it. That's only the second time I've been into town as Fiona, so it's all still quite new to me. I'm planning to stretch my horizons somewhat over the next few weeks though 🙂
But not at any time in that conversation did I even notice that I was dressed, in fact, not at any time since I got in through the doors.
It's just so natural being dressed isn't it! That was exactly the realisation I had when my wife and I had our day out in Bath a few weeks ago. And you have many more such days to come ... enjoy every minute of it 🙂 .
PS - looks like we might have another beautiful sunset this evening 😎 .
@fembecky You can really be yourself when you're not thinking about how you're presenting. Hopefully in a good way, of course! Do you find that you have a different personality when dressed?
I got back from visiting my son somewhere down in your neck of the woods about 7.30pm. I had my evening meal with the sun setting in the window next to me. The horizon did indeed look lovely, but the sky was clear so not quite as spectacular as it might have been, yesterday was better with the with colours on the undersides of the clouds. But I'm not complaining, it was a nice end to a lovely day 🙂
@finallyfiona Much the same here - bit of a glow in the sky but nothing spectacular. Out of curiosity, which tip did you visit?
@fembecky Just off the Fosse Way, about half way between Cirencester and Northleach. My son is in Aldsworth.
@finallyfiona That is fantastic! It sounds like its all been so positive so far on your outings. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with us all!
Amy x
@amydoll You're welcome Amy 🙂 It has been a great first week for sure, the first of many. I've really enjoyed it so far. I wonder when/if it will start to get difficult?
Fiona, this is so wonderful to read.
It’s great to hear about how natural it all feels to you.
You appear to be taking to life as Fiona like a duck to water and I’m so pleased for you
Lucy xx
@lucyb112 Despite what I said in reply to Olivia a couple of days ago, I am surprised how quickly it's started to feel perfectly normal to be en femme the whole time, that I'm not doing anything special or out of the ordinary. To say that the novelty has worn off would be to trivialise it, even cast a slight on the situation. It's like I'm not actively going and dressing up in womens' clothes with a wig and a face full of makeup. I'm just wearing my clothes and making myself look the way I like. A side-effect of this is that I have to actively remember to walk, talk and act in more feminine ways because I don't have the constant reminders from my outfit that I'm being different to the usual me.
Thank you, as ever, for your support and encouragement Lucy 🤗
Fiona xxx
What a very inspiring read , l still havnt worked the nerve up to go out yet, but this gives me inspiration. I wear a kilt as a male and when l first wore it in public l was mindful of others watching however no one watches now, so that experience makes me want to go out in public as Jane as l feel there probably wont be anyone watching me. That's why your stories are giving me inspiration and the want and need for Jane to go out in public,
Thankyou Fiona
Hi Jane, I have found over the last year, while I have been going out en femme most days, that nobody really notices. That is here in the UK, so whether it is the same in Australia only you can judge. I took a cautious approach and on early outings I wore ladies trousers, but when I found that nobody took any notice it bolstered my courage and I started wearing skirts. I hope you have the opportunity to spread your wings and let Jane out in public 🙂 .
Rebecca xxx
@fembecky hi Rebecca, l wear a kilt and when l first wore it out some people were curious but most didn't take notice, going out as a lady is very different as you are trying to look like every other lady in the crowd, l think it's more about having the confidence to do it. It will happen, but my wife and l will wait till the warmer weather in spring as l feel a picnic at the park may give me confidence and feel less risky. I was wondering do others notice your deeper voice, that would concern me if someone was to talk to me...... thanks Jane xx
Hi Jane, You are right about having the confidence. When the right time comes, you just have to get on and do it and, if possible, forget what you are wearing! I think if you are feeling very self conscious you are more likely to attract attention.
I have never tried to develop a more feminine voice. There are times when I am sure my masculine voice would out me, but I am not sure that it always does. A couple of days ago I was in a department store and twice had to interact with staff - once to pay for an item, once to order coffees. In both cases I was addressed as 'madam' with not a hint I was seen as anything else.
Strangely I think one of the situations I have found most difficult has been going into small ladies boutiques with my wife - we might browse for a short time then one of the staff will ask "are you ladies Ok browsing or would you like any help?". At that point I hate the fact that, when I reply, they may realise I am a man and they would be embarrassed as a result.
The other situation that I used to dread (but no longer) is getting into the lifts with strangers at our usual shopping centre. I usually end up pressing the buttons and asking "which floor would you like?". Surely my voice gives me away? But I have never had a reaction.
But to really answer your question "do others notice my deeper voice?", the answer is that I don't really know! What I do know is that nobody has ever reacted to my voice.
Well, does that help?? Not sure it does, but I have enjoyed putting this response together. Thanks for asking!
Rebecca
@fembecky l guess when you think of it there are a few women out there who have deep strong or husky voices.
@candycross Jane, thank you 🙂 If what I'm writing is helping other girls towards experiencing the same sort of enjoyment that I'm finding when dressed in public, then that's the best thing that could happen. Go for it honey, and do PM me if I can help further 🙂
Hi Fiona
Thanks so much for the updates. As always I enjoyed reading what you have been up to. Myself I am beside myself with excitement when I know I have the next two days as Olivia. I just can't imagine the excitement you must have knowing you have the next few months as Fiona.
I so admire your bravery coming out as Fiona to people in your car club and your neighbors and it is so good the positive reactions you have had. After reading your article I have added something I have to do that I haven't ever done as Olivia and that is to take in a sunset. We are pretty lucky we often have pink sunsets if there are any clouds about. Then the sky once the sun has disappeared turns a deep orange. Also like you and Ellie said experience it not be preoccupied with taking pictures of it.
You are so right that a whole new world opens up when you are out in the world as a female. All the interactions that just never happen between blokes we are open to and a part of. Like when do we ever compliment each other on how we look or what we wear. The other day I had a lady in a supermarket in the makeup section (I was looking for makeup wipes) compliment me on how well my foundation suits me that was then followed by a few minutes chat on how hard it is to still look good without spending a fortune on makeup. Women seem to be so much more chatty and social to each other and I personally love that part of when I'm out as a female.
I hope your few months as Fiona are a wonderful time for you and I look forward to hearing more about your adventures over the next few months.
@oliviac Thank you hon 🙂 It's such a pleasure to wake up in the morning and know that I will be Fiona all day, and the next day, and the next ... but it's all still quite new to me. I hope I don't ever lose that sense of wonder or come to take it for granted.
I totally agree with you about how little blokes interact. I realise that, now I think about it, I'm unusually chatty for a bloke (when I haven't got my introvert head on, at least 🙂 ) but it's still not on the same level as the girls' interactions.
I hope you get out in a good sunset one Olivia day soon!
Hi Fiona, let me be an encouragement to you as you embark on this journey, living as the woman you've probably been aware of for a long time. It is a journey well worth making!
I have been living and working as a passable woman for over two years, and they have been the most rewarding years of my life! But there are some caveats. I am intersex, legally considered a woman, so I have soft facial features, natural feminine physical attributes, I am not tall, can speak in a feminine voice and have very feminine mannerisms. I realize that I am fortunate that this has allowed me to make a relatively easy transition to living as a woman full time. Where I work, where I go to church, where I go to shop, when I take the bus to work each day, I am considered a woman, I am not seen as being trans.
You are obviously wishing to let Fiona have her place in the world, and have already taken steps to reveal her to others. Your pictures show me a middle aged woman, not a guy in a dress. You already know what a valuable asset it is to have self confidence as Fiona. That can be one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome.
If I can be an encouragement in any way as you take further steps on your journey, feel free to visit my page and we can chat. I wish you the best girl!
Big hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
@reallylauren That's the thing ... until the Autumn of 2021, I'd never had any feminine inclinations, that I was aware of. In hindsight, some things in my history tell me that Fiona might have been latent for a lot longer than I've recognised. To be honest, I find it a bit hard to understand how I could not have realised about something of this magnitude within myself. But this Summer is about finding out who I am, now that I have embraced Fiona.
Lauren, your beautiful comment about my pictures made me simply stop in thought and wonder as it sank in, especially knowing who it was coming from. The only other time I've experienced that was when I realised just before Easter that I wasn't 'playing girl' any more and started to come out. I think in some of my shots that I look more womanly than in others, but I guess because I've been used to his reflection in the mirror for a long time, I still see the guy in the dress to a greater or lesser extent in all of them. It hadn't occurred to me that anyone else could see me any differently to the way that I see myself. Thank you so much for giving me that feeling and realisation, that really does mean a lot to me. Thank you also for your offer to chat, I may well be taking you up on that 🙂
Hugs right back!
Fiona xxx
Lauren, such a truly lovely, encouraging, supportive reply to Fiona! She indeed is on a fast track for living as Fiona and is quite the reporter/blogger on her days, delights and ...determination to discover who she is. I admit to reading her accounts and daydreaming that Connie is her shadow. Lauren, I'm one many ladies who is so happy for how you life has become. 🌹
@conniech I can only agree wholeheartedly, Lauren's story is possibly the most moving that I've read, you can certainly count me amongst those many ladies touched by it and happy for her authentic life ❤️ Without having had a lifetime of knowing that I felt different to what I was told I am like Lauren did, my voyage of discovery this summer almost feels insignificant by comparison. Connie, thank you also for your lovely comments, I'll be thinking of you and I hope you too can get to do what I'm doing at some point.
Hi Fiona
Well all I can say is what a fabulous thing to be able to do, I so wish I could be 24/7 but at the present time that is just not possible. No doubt you will have some challenges in the future, but to be honest when ever i have been out in the real world I have found people really lovely and supportive, I have never had a bad or rude comment, in truth most people take no notice at all they are too busy getting on with their own lives.... I want to wish you the best of luck and above all make sure you enjoy the new found life you now have.........
@andreauk Thank you for your warm wishes 🙂 I'm finding much the same as you about being out and about so far, and it's so different to what I feared it would be when I first started out (despite all the girls who were already there posting about how good it is!) I certainly am enjoying myself and I'm only the first week into it! As well as the events during my summer as Fiona, I'm going to try to document my feelings in this thread to see how they change over time.
On Tuesday I went to see the OH to help her with the supermarket waste-food run for her local Community Fridge project, with a meal at her place beforehand. Putting my drab clothes on after a week was strange, but I caught myself exercising Fiona's attention to detail to choose the rugby top with a stripe that matched my nail polish - a masculine dark blue/grey shade deliberately chosen to 'pass' with the OH, since some other men wear their nails with colours like that. Setting foot outside my front door in drab felt even stranger, but the familiarity soon returned. It seems that so far, there's still no dysphoria as drab me, anyway.
Letting myself in as usual on arrival at the OH's place 20-odd miles away, I found her in the kitchen where there were cautiously cordial greetings. However it soon became obvious that our meeting up was a difficult situation for her. The restrictions of her version of DADT mean that we don't speak on the phone while I'm en femme, and she didn't even answer my text during the week checking in with her. Similarly, she doesn't want to hear anything about my Fiona time, or get any impression that I'm enjoying it. However I've done nothing but spend wonderful time as Fiona since we last saw each other, so what little conversation I was able to make about my week was restricted to the most basic level, and I still managed to find tripwires, as far as I'm concerned, beyond any reasonable skill to anticipate. Meanwhile it seems she's busy getting on with her life as I suspected she would, being independent and expanding her horizons, but she wouldn't go into much detail about anything. Eventually the mood settled, but her later comments that she didn't like spending what little time we had together being annoyed and upset, and that she was having to make the lion's share of the conversation, felt highly ironic ... naturally, I didn't pass any comment. We completed three collections with my car totalling over 100kg, got all the food back to the Fridge base and stored away successfully, both coming away with a bag of items for our time and effort. After a cup of tea and an indulgent mini-cheesecake each from the Fridge haul, we parted. The next Fridge run is in two weeks.
To me, while I can put the emotionally charged conversation down as a learning experience, hopefully to be successfully navigated around next time, none of the wider situation bodes well for our future together. Particularly the straightjacket of the DADT. It's essentially unchanged from what it was before my leave of absence, but I've obviously changed, already after just a week. I'm not living two lives any more, at her house and at mine: for the first time in many years I'm living just one life, and it's being blanked, denied - which she is perfectly entitled to do. Then, even if I am able to grow the mental compartment for a second life again, by our very actions in living separately for ourselves, doing our different things, we are quite obviously starting to drift apart. Not to be defeatist, but to be honest that might be the most painless way, because when I take stock of my feelings as Fiona after just my first week, I'm really not sure if I will ever want to go back to being mainly drab, even if there's no dysphoria to stop me.
I am so enjoying being Fiona, but I think that I am already changing as a result. Far from the normally rational, logical drab me, this evening I found myself trying to do a jumble of things all at once - including trying various combinations from my wardrobe and scoping out online purchases to make an outfit for a concert I'm going to with a friend the weekend after next, that I don't yet even know if he'll be happy to have me attend as Fiona!
Well, this sort of thing is exactly what I embarked on this voyage of discovery to find out. I need to know how deep the femininity goes. With complete willingness and my eyes wide open, the journey into the pink fog continues 🙂
Ah, Fiona, following your sensitively written and honest account of your continuing journey inspires and yet also tugs at the heartstrings. It's obvious from the replies that everyone here is hoping for the best possible outcome for you and your OH but we're experienced enough to know the risks involved, as do you, of choosing one's own path.
You have shown the same honesty and sensitivity with your OH and, in a just world, that should be rewarded in kind. To know the risks involved and to choose to accept the full results with eyes open and compassion, is to truly live authentically.
Whether you know it or not, your account, including the highs and lows, is touching lives. Know that we are here to share your joy and your pain.
Hugs
Allie xx
@alexina Indeed, I knew a long time ago what was likely going to happen if I came out, but I still had to get to the point where I had to come out, and go through with it. Unless I 'hit the wall' a in few weeks' time and never want to do this any more (and as we all know, there's no such thing as 'never' where CD is concerned), I suspect the trajectories of our lives may already be already set. I owe it to us to keep the hope alive that there's a way forward together, but I can also use the time apart to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for there not to be. I've said it before, but thank you Allie for just being there, it's appreciated honey 🙂
Hugs right back,
Fiona xxx
My thoughts are with you Fiona. There are no easy answers. I so hope you manage to resolve things in a manner that allows you to be yourself.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
@chrisfp99 I think this is the thing, possibly before I can be with anyone else, I have to follow in the direction that it feels right where being myself is concerned, and get to understand who I am again when I get there. With only a small number of people fully in my life outside of the online world, I do really appreciate yours & everyone else's support on here
Hugs back,
Fiona xxx
Hi Fiona
I know exactly how you feel, I get the same from my SO, we still live together, but more as house mates than anything else, we are surviving..... just. I know how hard it is to talk about anything in this situation, I don't know about you, but I often feel it is better to say nothing than provoke a negative reaction.
I also understand where you are with now being one person, not male and female but one whole person, thats how I feel irrespective of what I am wearing. I think the week on your own has allowed Fiona to blossom which is only possible when you have that freedom to be your real true self. I can't think you would want to go back to the drab life, I know I wouldn't, but time will tell what is the best solution for you. In the meantime enjoy being your true self, enjoy being Fiona!
@andreauk Goodness me, those must be difficult circumstances to live in if they're anything like how last night went for me, full respect for your perseverance to both of you.
Like you say, time is the thing I need now, to know where this is going. I got on this train knowing that it would take me somewhere different, if not exactly where, and it's left the station. I just need to settle back and enjoy the ride 🙂
The rest of the week has been quiet, which today has more than made up for 🙂
One notable event was when I received some secondhand clothes I'd bought from eBay, strappy vests in a number of colours, and span them through the washer with whatever was already waiting in there, as you do. I then had to clear the airer of all the clothes I'd worn on holiday. His clothes. I folded up and stuffed his underwear into its overcrowded drawer in the bedroom. Then I got my clothes out of the machine and hung them to dry. My first load of entirely feminine clothing 🙂
Yesterday evening I contacted a local beauty salon, a lady runs it from her own house and has done for 30 years, and she's only 5 minutes walk just round the corner ... I'm intending to have my eyebrows done! It'll only last a few weeks, but I can always have it topped up if I like it. Like I'm not going to like it 🙂
Then after a leisurely morning, this afternoon I did town again, and back via Tescos. I'm pleased to say that I now realise I should be buying size 14 skirts, not size 16 and I don't even seem to need an elasticated waist 😊 I want to try trousers in a 14 too, but only when I'm properly tucked, to see if I can make the front look better. That's something I don't like in my 16 trousers, which is one reason why I don't wear them much, and not without a long top. I bought some darker foundation in Boots to try and match my holiday tan better, just the cheapy stuff since that's the same as the one I've been using so far.
And then I marched into my opticians and choose new frames for my face, both my main varifocals and my screen glasses. The new glasses will hopefully allow the brows to show, but my drab glasses continue to hide them. I may not know yet if I'm going to stay Fiona, but I know Fiona will at least outlast my prescription, as it gradually changes 🙂
