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Living the dream ...

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Hostess
(@ab123)
Famed Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

A very open and honest account of your week showing the many ups but unfortunate downs of living 24/7. I had that moment when that decision was made that it wouldn't work which ended amicably and we remain friends. Had her circumstances been different there may have been a way but with restrictions. The fact was it allowed me to progress and fulfill my ambitions to lead my life happily and she hers. 

It is a wonderful place to be living every day as the one you wish to be and as you have seen, no one has treated you as anything but the woman you present.

It really is a an inspiring read for girls here.

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Baroness Annual
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 6 months ago

Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 708

@ab123 

The only real downside so far about living 24/7 for me is that, because I also work from (what is now) home, I don't really get out during the week.  The Fridge run was quite a welcome exception in that regard.  This weekend with the Bank Holiday would have been a lovely opportunity for an adventure if it weren't for (unusually) being on call with work, too.  I didn't miss much with the weather yesterday afternoon, but today's a bit better so hopefully I can go somewhere local.  

If my OH and I do end up going our separate ways, I'm still hoping we can keep a friendship, maybe in time at least.  Since I've been important in it, I particularly want to stay in her daughter's life, having been Dad to her from the age of three.  I'm hopefully still going to take her to/from Uni, which is further than the OH would be happy to drive, and help her get started on her own life out in the world.

In my presentation as a woman, I'm certainly shaped and dressed as one and I can walk pretty reasonably now.  However I'm under no illusion about my face as people get closer, and particularly my voice if I interact with anyone - and I am noticeably more outgoing as Fiona.  I'd like to think I do a bit better than 'bloke in a dress' because I'm serious about this and it's genuine.  If I manage to give the accurate impression of 'man living as his inner woman' I think that's all I could ask for.  But so far, people do indeed seem to be sympathetic to it, or at least polite enough not to create any bad atmosphere which is fine by me 🙂

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Posts: 708
Baroness Annual
Topic starter
(@finallyfiona)
Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 6 months ago

Posted by: @finallyfiona

Today's a bit better so hopefully I can go somewhere local.  

This afternoon I did get out, in the same dress that I wore in my most recent public photo, to the large gardens of a nearby stately home.  I've previously been out in shirt- and sweater-dresses with leggings earlier in the year, and the last couple of weekends locally in a long denim skirt with various tops, but this is the most overtly feminine outfit I've worn yet and, at just above the knee, the highest hemline without leggings.  I just washed and conditioned my blonde wig again last night, so 'Fluffy' is looking and feeling her loveliest again.  I even included a couple of squirts of perfume. 

So, as I got out of the car, I was slightly more concerned than I have been recently for peoples' reactions.  That was soon dispelled by the lady in the reception kiosk who scanned my booking and welcomed me with the same warmth and politeness that she did the people before and after me.  Walking in my best femme manner down the gravel path it became clear that still no-one was noticing, or caring if they did notice.  As usual, my smile was returned if I caught anyone's eye.  I found I wasn't out of place with my outfit, several other ladies also had dresses on, as I'd hoped.  So for the first time, I enjoyed walking freely in public in a nice light dress, with the air playing properly around my bare legs. 

I made my way to a flat, sheltered part of the garden with lawns, formal plantings and a fountain, and sat enjoying the sun on one of the benches around it.  I slowly ate the second half of my lunch that I'd brought with me, just enjoying being there with the rest of the world coming and going around me.  Then I finished the last couple of chapters of 'My Husband Betty'.  The sun went behind clouds from time to time but I was still just about warm enough.  Eventually I moved on and came round below the main terrace, where I got out my picnic blanket and laid down on it, propped up on both elbows, gazing at the nicest open-country view that I know of locally (which is probably a lot of, if not the whole reason the house was actually built in that location).

I spent some time there in relative peace and quiet, listening to myself and my feelings as much as anything else.  Was this what it's like to feel feminine?  I just felt like me.  Just as I would if I were lying there in my male clothes.  Thinking the same things that I normally would about the view, as I identified what the landmarks were that I could see, what road the occasional car in the distance must be on, and so on.  After a while I realised the sun had been in a while and wasn't coming back out.  I got up, packed the blanket away and made my way steadily back to the entrance ... and got into the car the very second before the heavens opened! 

On the way back home I stopped off at the supermarket to pick up some things I'd forgotten on Saturday.  After a visit to the Ladies, I found myself drawn straight to the clothes section, feeling the fabrics, holding the pieces on their hangers up to my shoulders, trying to see myself in them.  And this time more than any time before, starting to feel what would work for me and what wouldn't.  I tried on a denim jacket right then and there.  Since all clothes were 25% off, that one found its way into my basket, along with a blue sleeveless blouse with a very similar pattern on it to a skirt I bought last time out.  Then having picked up the items I needed, I went on a search round the store for clothes hangers, which was sadly fruitless.  Although I did see the lovely young girl who'd spent quite some time serving me in the opticians, and we smiled at each other.  As I went through the checkout, just like last time, I realised I wasn't even feeling like I was dressed, let alone possibly over-dressed (although I did really notice how much colder it was in the chiller aisle!).  It was quite obviously making zero difference to everyone else, too.

Thinking on this evening, it makes me very happy to realise that my unanswered question from earlier might resolve like this.  Maybe it's because I feel more feminine overall than in years gone by, that I now dress every day, and do other things differently from when I was in male mode, and it all feels perfectly normal.  Maybe I'm not recognising any difference in my day-to-day feelings now that I'm living fully as a woman, because this is the way I've been feeling all along.  Maybe the whole blossoming of Fiona in my life in recent years is the result, not the cause, of who I am now 😊 

 

PS: I just had a knock at the door in the last of the twilight, I knew it would be my neighbour, so I had no hesitation in opening it.  And he greeted me, 'Hi, Fiona'.  The first time I've been called by my name out loud in two months, and the first time ever by someone I know.  That's a lovely, most validating end to the day 😊 

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Posts: 708
Baroness Annual
Topic starter
(@finallyfiona)
Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 6 months ago

I've not written anything on my blog for a week.  That doesn't mean there's been nothing going on worth mentioning, not at all!  But it's all happened since Friday evening and I've been so busy all weekend doing more stuff worth blogging about, that I've not had time to write about any of it until today! 🙂

So, this will be the first of three posts in a row.  Do feel free to reply to any or all of them, although if you want your reply to sit after either of the first two posts, you'll need to reply to the post itself rather than at the bottom of the thread.

----------------------

So much has happened in the last week. Not the least significant part of which is that my OH and I are now communicating again, even while I'm in Fiona mode. She fell over at the gym and broke her glasses - luckily, just before an opticians appointment where they were able to make them useable again, while she waits for the order for their replacement to come in. She texted me to start with, this already being a step up from what's been the case until now. We sent a few replies back and forth, then I asked if I could ring her and she said yes. I think I needed to hear voice as much as she needed to hear mine. We've had a few calls either way since then, and much has been discussed. Her position regarding seeing Fiona hasn't changed but at least she now realises I'm the same person underneath the clothes - if not even improved by my connection with my feminine side. So now we are able to talk properly for the first time in nearly three weeks, and that's a great relief 🙂 It's also a sliver of hope: if her attitude can change once set in that respect, might she come in time to accept Fiona in her presence?  Time will tell.

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Posts: 708
Baroness Annual
Topic starter
(@finallyfiona)
Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 6 months ago

Friday evening saw me back in drab. A quick check - no, this still doesn't feel at all weird or wrong, but then it was by choice - for the first of two back-to-back concerts that I had tickets for with my friend from school. The band we were seeing is a Genesis tribute group, they recreate our favourite 1970-1980 era and they are very good at it. They always sell out, especially the multi-night residency at this fairly local venue. It's felt like forever that we've been waiting for this weekend to come around since buying the tickets!

Although in drab, I did leave my blue nail polish on, because I wanted it to invite a question. But when my friend picked me up, the conversation started off with what had been happening with him since we last met up, before I then told him about the wreck of my Volvo, which he'd always liked. By that time we were in the foyer of the venue with drinks in hand, when I looked straight at him and said, "In the words of a song we know, I've discovered that I'm 'more earth than sea'". That phrase comes from 'Cinema Show', my favourite ever Genesis song even from before Fiona grew in my life, but now with so much more meaning - and if I ever get a tattoo, it will feature those four words. Feel free to go look it up 🙂 He had spotted the nail polish immediately I opened the door to him and had been going to ask, but I'd beaten him to it. He also got the quote instantly, put down his drink ... and hugged me on the spot 🤗 😊 

I'd had an idea that he would have empathy from experiences in his professional life and, before Life took us in different directions, we'd also been pretty close confidants in our early teens at school. That side of our friendship just got absolutely rekindled, right then and there. It was a wonderful moment, I was almost in tears and it didn't feel like either of us wanted to let go. We talked about my whole situation for quite a while, during which he offered to be there as a shoulder and an ear at any stage in my journey, wherever it may take me. Then when I asked if he would be happy with it, he absolutely encouraged me to attend the second night as Fiona 🙂

We were then joined by another friend, an older chap with whom I used to sing in a choir, who noticed that there were a surprising number of women attending for a 'prog' concert - even by the standards of previous gigs by the same band that we've been to. I told him that there'd be an extra girl on the second night, and why, but he's a little hard of hearing and didn't realise that Fiona wasn't my OH! His face on the Saturday night when we waved him over on his arrival was an absolute picture! 🙂  I took advantage of it being permissible for ladies to wear 'double denim', with a long skirt and my jacket over a white & blue T-shirt from the band's merch desk - so now with the black one I wore to the first night, I have outfits for the band's future gigs in both my presentations!

Both nights were full of music I know and love every note of, all done incredibly well, experienced from seats with great views of the stage and the lighting. The Saturday night was something absolutely special though. For a start I was greeted with a hug as my friend picked me up, which just confirmed how good a friend he is.  He really liked my  feminine presentation, but still felt totally comfortable around me.  After all he was still in the company of his friend of many years 🙂

As Fiona, I concentrated less on the music and more on the experience and the imagery and stories that the songs were weaving. I interacted more with other people - including in the Ladies - and as usual, no-one was anything other than completely cordial with me. I knew 'Cinema Show' would be played that night, it's one of everyone's three favourites in most audiences. Sure enough, it was the encore, they saved the best till very last! It has all the imagery for Fiona and I was moved to sing quite emotionally with it, sometimes even with the harmony - but it also has particular musical interest later on for my male self. I was thoroughly satisfied by the time the last chord sounded and the house lights came up, it had been a most excellent pair of concerts 🙂 

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Duchess
(@alison-anderson)
Joined: 6 years ago

Noble Member     Middlesex county, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 1509

@finallyfiona When you started with "Friday evening saw me back in drab," it reminded me of the early days of COVID. I took the opportunity to prove to myself I didn't want to transition (basically answer the question "How can you be sure") and see if I would get tired of dressing. At one point I spent about 3 weeks wearing skirts. When I had to go back in drab at that point for part of the day, wearing pants actually felt strange for a while.

Describing your friend as you did, I'm not surprised he accepted Fiona. I once asked a friend (she ran a transformation business) why she calls me Alison even if I'm in drab, and although she used different words, she essentially told me that a little makeup doesn't change who you are inside. I think your friend understood this at some level, as do you (reading between the lines on the next post).

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Baroness Annual
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 6 months ago

Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 708

@alison-anderson It certainly does feel a little weird when I've gone back into my male jeans again,  but mainly because after days of wearing nothing with legs the physical sensations are so different.  I have also noticed that it feels a little strange going out of my front door wearing my male clothes, but as yet, only at first - it soon becomes familiar and comfortable again.  

This whole summer is about finding out who I am now, trying to answer that same question amongst others.  I'm three weeks in and counting, and so far I know for sure that I'm just as comfortable being in either presentation.  When I'm out and about as Fiona, it does feel more fun and I'm more aware of the experiences I'm having.  That might just be because I'm not as used to it yet.  Or it might be because on the inside, I really am 'more earth than sea', as I described it to my friend.  I do rather wish I didn't have quite such a solitary lifestyle, that there were more people who know me well and that I saw regularly, who could tell me what they see when they look in from the outside.

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Lady
(@candycross)
Joined: 1 month ago

Estimable Member     Queensland, Australia
Posts: 127

@finallyfiona when l am not wearing a skirt or a dress, l wear a kilt, l havnt worn jeans etc for over 5 years and l don't think l could, it would just feel too weird .

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Baroness Annual
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 6 months ago

Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 708

@candycross Now there's an idea, I wonder if I could get away with a kilt with my OH? 🙂

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Lady
(@candycross)
Joined: 1 month ago

Estimable Member     Queensland, Australia
Posts: 127

@finallyfiona l have been wearing one for over 5 years , to begin some people looked, but now if they look l don't notice them looking, l bought some of my kilts on ebay, however there are kilt shops around as well. Xx Jane

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Posts: 708
Baroness Annual
Topic starter
(@finallyfiona)
Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 6 months ago

It's been quite a weekend for Fiona even without the concert on the Saturday night. On Saturday, my town held its first Pride event. There was an additional rainbow section to the Market in the High Street in the afternoon, with some entertainment going on (an Elton John performer on a self-propelled electric piano, no less!) before some stage performances and a big open-air party from 5pm. I had to miss that part of it for the gig of course, but I did have a good browse round the market and bought three pairs of craft earrings from one of the stalls, which the lovely owner of the business converted to clip-ons for me. She treated me with complete acceptance and dignity, it was most validating. I went round the charity shops and returned a pair of long pink trousers where I'd missed that the size wasn't the one that the hanger had indicated. Although they did actually fit me with an elasticated waist, being a size 10 they just didn't look right on a girl who's at least a 14 in the waist ... they made me look like a man! 😳 I picked up a blue & white stripey canvas beach bag, and also picked up a blue bracelet and necklace to go with the outfit for the concert that night. You might be getting the idea by now that my favourite colour is blue, you wouldn't be wrong 🙂

Sunday was an absolutely lovely day weather-wise, strong sunshine but cooling breeze and I felt that a recently-purchased summer bodycon dress would be the right outfit, since it went with all the items I bought yesterday. You can see the whole outfit in the latest shots I've added to my public photos. I was nearly done with my make-up when my opticians called and asked to speak to Fiona, bless them 🙂  My new glasses were in already and I could go and collect them! Once finished, I packed some lunch and a drink along with a picnic blanket and my denim jacket (just in case) into my beach bag, and walked into town. When I got there, the High Street was the fullest I've yet seen it, I'd forgotten there was a food festival going on, otherwise I'd have had no hesitation in staying there for a lunch out, and trying something different from one of the tempting-looking stalls.  However I made my way through the throngs of people with no reactions or issues at all, and into the almost-deserted little shopping centre, where my opticians is.

I was greeted cheerily as soon as I was inside the door, and they sat me down to do the fit of my new glasses. The young girl was there, who'd helped me choose them and took all the measurements to set up the order last weekend, but this time her male colleague served me. He was just as professional and personable, and again treated me exactly like the woman I was presenting as, and with perfect customer service skills - honestly, the two of them could not have made the whole experience more positive 🙂  The two frames fit my face perfectly, but it took a few tries to get one of the arms bent in the right place and angle to fit my ear properly - all done without the slightest hesitation. As they gave me the card with a code to leave a review, I realised that the lady on her own at a computer terminal on another desk was probably their manager, and I made sure to thank them both very much and compliment them on the service and experience they'd given me. I'll still leave the online review in equally glowing terms because as they said, it'll be read by their manager 🙂

As for the glasses themselves, from the first moment that I was able at last to see properly what I look like in them ... I absolutely love them! ❤️  Both the everyday varifocals and the intermediate pair for screen work just suit me perfectly, with quite a business sort of look to the intermediates, having a graduated purple-y colour towards the top of the frames. Even better, I discover today that both pairs make my 'Fiona-lite' look work as well, where I don't do a whole face full of make-up, and just put on eyebrows, mascara, lipstick and a little bit of blusher. I think I'd even be happy to go out for short errands like that, maybe just freshening up my shave beforehand.

So, out of the opticians I walked one very happy girl! Back on the High Street, I paused for a while in the sun to watch a brass quintet on the stage give some modern pop songs the 'oompah' treatment - I even recognised 'Bad Romance'!  Again, people were all around me but I was just another girl watching all the fun. At the end of the medley I headed for the park round the corner at the end. On a narrow pavement a mother kindly asked her young boy to make room as I approached, and he stood flat against the wall with his arms out and proudly proclaimed 'I'm a starfish!'. As I passed, I smiled straight at him, complimented him on his echinoderm impression (not in so many words of course!) and got a lovely warm smile back from Mum 🙂

Once in the park I made my way over to a big tree further along the edge, where people were gathering on chairs and blankets in the shade, with some more basking in the sun. I chose a spot on the dappled edge of the shade, unfolded my blanket and sat down.  Once I'd eaten my lunch and sent a couple of texts, the brass band that we'd all been waiting for started up.  I lay back on my elbows and stayed there for over an hour listening to arrangements of various songs you wouldn't think would work ... but strangely did. "Flash!", anyone? The theme for the TV cricket coverage was really good too.

Eventually I started to get physically uncomfortable in my elbows and shoulders, and unfortunately I'm not that flexible that I can sit up for long on the ground with my legs under me.  So I packed the blanket back into my bag, shouldered it and walked very happily back home, with good sway going on in my hips and a lovely carefree swing to my free arm.

As I got into the end of my road, I noticed a lad on a BMX-style bike come round the corner at the other end towards me. As soon as I saw him pop a wheelie (still at some distance) I had a feeling that this might not be a positive encounter. Funnily enough I was at almost the exact spot where I was loudly clocked by a couple of lads on bikes last year, after dark on my very first time out dressed. This time I look a lot more convincing even if I do say so myself, particularly for not having the beard any more!  But sure enough, as he approached, in that loud laddish catcalling voice I got 'Lookin' lovely darlin .... ' and something else that definitely included the word 'man', that I didn't quite catch as he was already past me.  But not before I'd blown him a big kiss 😘 

Fazed? Unsettled?  Nope, not one iota 🙂  I am totally at home in my presentation as Fiona ... no, scratch that.

I am Fiona, and I'm totally at home being myself 🙂

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4 Replies
(@marleneroberts)
Joined: 5 years ago

Honorable Member     Allentown, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 504

@finallyfiona   636 posts in five months! Outstanding! You look great as Fiona. Best, Marlene.

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Baroness Annual
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 6 months ago

Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 708

@marleneroberts Thank you Marlene, yes I've been a bit of a busy girl haven't I? 🙂  But CDH has been front and centre in the evolution of my femme life, without this place I wouldn't be where I am now.  You get out what you put in, I think.  And then you put in more because you've received so much support 🙂

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Baroness
(@alexina)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 644

@finallyfiona 

Well, Fiona, serendipitously I too recently visited the opticians for an eye test and subsequent new specs purchase.

This is a small, local business and I think they're a bit more accurate in testing and prescribing than the other, chain store in my town.

The downside is that the frame selection is more limited and the last time I was there I couldn't find a frame that I liked so ended up buying online. I won't do so again as there's little or no after sales service, the wee adjustments that you mention.

However, this time I found a really nice round frame, mostly red but with some more colours throughout. I showed them to the assistant who informed me that, "Eh, these are from the women's selection". I decided to forego my first thought-of response, "Yes, I find most women's things much more preferable to men's, my clothes are the same". Instead I simply said that I didn't care because I like them.

When I went back to collect them, the same assistant put them on me to check alignment and said, "You know,  these are really nice and they do suit you".

I'm sure one of these days I'm going to verbalise what I'm thinking!

Hugs 

Allie x

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Baroness Annual
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 6 months ago

Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 708

@alexina Isn't it wonderful to have something supposedly feminine right there on your drab face 🙂  I have to say I'm rather liking the look of my two new pairs in drab too.  On Monday, in drab, I took them back for an adjustment to the fit across the bridge. When I explained to the girl that they were for my female presentation, she took it completely at face value (no pun!) and took them away to the back of the shop to work on.  When she came back with them and I tried them on, she also said they actually suited my face really well.  Especially the intermediates in their graduated purpley colour.  This wasn't just in drab, at that point I had three days of stubble!  

Hugs right back 🙂
Fiona xxx

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Posts: 708
Baroness Annual
Topic starter
(@finallyfiona)
Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 6 months ago

From now on I'm going to start new threads for big events in my experiences of life as Fiona.  I'll link to them in posts from this blog thread.  I'll keep the blog going though, for musings on my femme life and my feelings regarding the developing situation with my relationship with my OH.

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Posts: 275
Lady
(@sashabennett)
Honorable Member     Wick, Caithness, United Kingdom
Joined: 6 months ago

I may not know yet if I'm going to stay Fiona? It sounds like it to me, & is there a really a good reason not to. 

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Baroness Annual
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 6 months ago

Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 708

@sashabennett Oh I know Fiona won't be going anywhere 🙂  But there are some good reasons for me to let my drab self back more into the mix, which will help me enjoy the contrast with my time as Fiona all the more.

Like I just said in my other thread, I'm about to go away in drab for the rest of the weekend with my OH, in the campervan.  A bit of a reset, I think it will do some good for our relationship and also my internal relationship with Fiona.  I will be back during the coming week, maybe early, maybe later on.  I will hopefully have something rather nice to share with everyone 🙂

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Baroness
(@alexina)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 644

@finallyfiona 

Hi, Fiona, I'll add my encouragement to the others' and say, keep documenting your journey, it's both inspirational and entertaining.

Please accept my belated congratulations on your well-deserved selection as a featured member last week, life got in the way and I've not been able to engage much here.

I do hope your time away does you both good and I look forward to reading about it.

Hugs 

Allie x

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Baroness Annual
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 6 months ago

Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 708

@alexina Thank you my dear 🙂  I am going to keep writing, have no fear!  I will probably say something about the weekend on this thread in the next few days, but tonight is just a (hopefully!) brief visit to catch up.

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Posts: 57
Duchess
(@joannaberry)
Estimable Member     Tamworth, Staffordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 weeks ago

Hi Fiona,

Inspired is the only thing I can say…

Everyones path is individual and different, but reading through all of your comments and those of support from others on their own paths is truly inspiring.💕

Being you everyday and being happy as yourself is how life should be isn’t it? As long as we don’t go out of our way to be nasty to others or offend, just being kind and friendly is a wonderful outlook on life. Reading this has made me feel quite emotional, I don’t mind admitting.

joanna x

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Baroness Annual
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 6 months ago

Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 708

@joannaberry That's so sweet of you to say honey, thank you 🙂 

It's wonderful being sociable in public and being accepted just as me.  Getting back the amiable and helpful vibes that I hope I give off.  Unfortunately it's with those people closest to me that this sadly isn't enough, those who have the most well-formed views of their own on who 'me' is, upon which our relationships are based.  On this front it's probably always going to be a work in progress.

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Duchess
(@joannaberry)
Joined: 4 weeks ago

Estimable Member     Tamworth, Staffordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 57

@finallyfiona 

Hi Fiona

Thanks for the reply, I’m guessing the ones who are closest find acceptance the hardest in lots of cases🙁 As long as you are true to yourself & continue to be caring & kind, then you can draw some peace from that & move forward being just you 💕

joanna x

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Posts: 708
Baroness Annual
Topic starter
(@finallyfiona)
Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 6 months ago

Before too much time passes, I wanted to commit some more thoughts and events to writing.

Many will have seen the thread about my recent makeover experience, at https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/community/postid/519846/. That basically came about because I had arranged to meet another CDH girl for dinner in London last Saturday, however with about 10 days to go, I realised that she'd deleted her profile and gone, before we'd finalised when & where to meet or swapped phone numbers. I know there are all sorts of reasons why profiles get deleted, all highly personal to the girls concerned, and I don't hold it against this particular girl in the slightest. It was such a shock though as she'd seemed to be getting on so well with her femme life, making great strides in her presentation and confidence. I was looking forward to meeting her and hopefully cementing a growing online friendship. Although I may never get to find out, I do hope she's OK.

Anyway, I had the outfit I'd bought for the evening all ready and waiting - it's the #3 one in my makeover photos (yes, I really was going to get on a train and go into London on my own, wearing an evening gown! 😀 ) - and was now short of an adventure to go and have with it. I also had another outfit and some shoes that I shouldn't have bought, that needed a chance to shine. So the idea of using them all for a makeover came to me, and I made the enquiry. I wasn't expecting that it would happen so soon, but which true girl is going to wait for something when she could have it almost right now!

The other outcome from the disappointing realisation about the dinner date, was that I had an unexpectedly free weekend. The OH and I had reconnected somewhat and started communicating again, and the most recent fortnightly Community Fridge run that we still do together was a lot easier than the previous one. So I suggested that we go away for the weekend in the campervan to one of our favourite places on the south coast near Beachy Head - with me in drab, of course. That did indeed turn out to be a good weekend, spending the time together and talking in person has done us plenty of good, I feel.

I gave her my copies of Savannah Hauk's and Helen Boyd's books to read, which are recommended for the spouses of CD's, and she has indeed been reading them during this week, and emailing me insights and questions, which I have been answering frankly. I feel that my need to express my feminine side as Fiona is now acknowledged in what she's written to me. I can only see this as a most encouraging sign that she is coming to understand the new me better.

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Posts: 708
Baroness Annual
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(@finallyfiona)
Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 6 months ago

Before the weekend though, I found myself on the Friday night feeling guilty and very disappointed with myself for how little work I'd done that week, yet still booking the makeover and a day's holiday for it. It's been a bit better this week (even with all the attention I've received after posting the makeover story and photos 🙂 ), but Fiona is still occupying a very large proportion of my time and my thought capacity.  I'm unable to concentrate on some big tasks that I really need to get started on.

Meanwhile my OH tells me that she doesn't see any feminine thoughts or feelings being expressed in my side of our conversations, spoken or written. Although with a great enjoyment of all aspects of a feminine presentation and my experiences when en femme, I realise I'm still male at my core, and that needs to reflected more in the mix.

So I have resolved to start spending less time doing Fiona things. For now, I still have femme adventures in the two forthcoming weekends planned, booked and paid for.  During the weeks, although I'm still happy to wear my femme clothes, I'm not going to shave or do my makeup or put my wig on, just to stay in the house all day. (This will also have the advantage that when I do shave for makeup, I'll stay smooth all day, as my shaver will do much better with more to lift and cut.)  After the end of this month, I've nothing on the calendar for Fiona during July. I am going to spend more whole days in drab and evenings and nights with my OH, still leaving me time including some weekends at my place, to be Fiona if I wish. 🙂

Now knowing that I don't want to live 100% en femme and my male self to be subsumed in Fiona (yet?), it's time to start finding where the balance is. Moving forwards, while I am hopefully still going to go out regularly in public en femme, I am intending to concentrate my efforts as Fiona more on cultivating friendships, rather than having solo experiences. There are certainly things cooking for September and October in that regard, although I may yet do Leeds First Friday in August on my own to see who else I can meet, before making my debut as Fiona with the car club at a show on the Sunday of that weekend. Meanwhile, back in drab with my OH, we are going to spend less time with me on the laptop on here and on the car club forum, and more time actually together, also going out more ourselves. So I while I will still be around in general, I will be posting less often. That's the intention, anyway. 😉

I started out planning to live the summer as Fiona and dial things back a bit in the later months towards the Autumn. Summer hasn't even turned up properly yet, and I've ended up managing about 4 weeks before realising that this is too much for me, at least for now. I'm not disappointed in the slightest, I needed that total immersion to be able to come to that realisation. Better to find out now while my bridges aren't burned, than to have committed to it and lost everything in the male side of my life. However I'm not ruling out that in the future, I may find myself once more wanting/needing to spend more time as Fiona, or finding that my OH and the two sides of myself are unable to reach a balance between us, and coming back to 24/7 femme life as a result.

Meanwhile, I accept and embrace my feminine side and I would like Fiona's character to continue to develop more , especially socially. I'm proud and grateful that I am the way I am; that it's allowed me to have enjoyed, and to continue to enjoy, wonderful experiences and a different perspective on life. 🙂

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