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Credit where credit is due.
I want to give a shout out to @FinallyFiona for her recent topic on coming out at work. It provided a good dose of inspiration for this topic. You can read it here.
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/community/postid/526683/
Many of you know that I'm trans and that I got court approval for a legal name change in May. Shortly after, I changed my name on CDH and TGH. I also set about changing my identity documents such as driver's license, passport, and Social Security. I got the last of them about two weeks ago. Legally, I'm now Elizabeth in the databases that matter.
I knew that changing my legal identity would start a chain of events that would out me to the entire world. There was no way around it. The male name I used (and loathed) for decades was no longer a valid legal identity. I was now legally responsible for notifying every entity that I do business with. That list is as long as it is daunting. There is no 'trickle down' effect when you change your legal identity in the US. It's a LOT of work. It takes months of diligent effort. I'm very busy these days.
My employer was the most important organization that needed to be notified. That's what I'll focus on for the main of this topic.
I was already out to nearly everyone that knows me outside of work. I was also out to any organization that didn't need official documentation of my name change. My work was the one significant gap that remained.
I've written several times about my anxieties in regard to coming out at work. It's a fairly conservative workplace. In recent years, I overheard several conversations that seemed to justify my anxiety. So I was understandably hesitant to out myself. Fortunately, I knew HR and the general manager would have my back if things got ugly. I came out to them over a year ago.
Eleven or twelve days ago, I gave HR and accounting copies of my identity documents. They needed them to change payroll, health and life insurance, retirement benefits, etc. Once the changes were made in the HR and accounting databases, anyone that had access and looked closely would see that my name was changed to Elizabeth. Rather than wait for people to notice, I had a chat with everyone that had access to those systems. I felt confident that the dozen or so staff working in those departments would react well. The responses I got were universally enthusiastic. It took me about two hours to talk to everyone. I spent much of that time fighting back tears.
Last Monday, the employee directory and phone list got updated. Soon, everyone at work would know.
The responses I got over the next few days were overwhelming. All very positive. I've never gotten that much love and support anywhere except here on CDH and the trans spaces I frequent. I had long emotional conversations with nearly every woman that works there. Many said they knew months ago and were waiting for me to come out. I just gained about 30 new girlfriends! Every person I talked to was fully supportive and wished me the best. Even the ones I thought would be trouble were great. One of them even confided that he has a transgender daughter that he adores and admires for her courage.
Many times last week I escaped to my office for a good cry. It was one of the most emotional and wonderful weeks I've ever had. It's surreal. A large group of people that I mostly don't know (well) embraced me for who I am. They embraced diversity. I'm still reeling from that....in a good way.
I was sure that I'd face some adversity when I came out at work. I dreaded it. These are people I have to work with. I can't explain why I misunderstood so many of them. My general manager had perhaps the only answer that makes sense. She simply said, "Love wins Liz. Everyone you work with loves you. They set aside their biases because they care". Then she hugged me and asked if I was able to get any work done! We both cracked up and I nodded yes.
If you made it this far, thank you! It's been hard to write this because I get so emotional thinking about it. I'm so incredibly fortunate.
Love wins ❤️
Liz
Wow! Thanks for your open and honest account of your experience, Liz. It really does gladden my heart to read of such uplifting and emotional experiences.
Yes, I've told @finallyfiona before how inspirational her posts, hell, her LIFE is!
I'm so pleased that the reaction of your colleagues has been better than you expected, being told how loved you are is definitely as emotional as it is unexpected.
May your continuing journey (spot the paraphrase), be just as positive and life affirming 😊.
Allie x
Hey Allie thank you so much Hon! It's great to have you on this ride! Plenty of other girls too. You know who you are!
I think my emotions are finally settling down. Last week was an emotional one that carried over at times into the weekend. Today has been much more of a 'go with the flow' day.
Starting to think about what's next....
Liz
Liz, it's my, oh, wait a second while I exchange the hat of silliness for the hat of more or less seriousness, pleasure and honour to be here and to share in your journey.
Allie x
Allie, the sisterhood here is an amazing source of strength. It's the reason why I say CDH changes lives. I know I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for the incredible sisterhood we have.
Liz
@lizk Oh Liz, I'm so thrilled for you hun. I've always admired the courage of your journey but in the end it's just a logical and natural step to being the authentic you. Once you understand that if someone has a problem with it, then it's their problem, not yours, then the path is clear. It's wonderful to hear that the reactions were overwhelmingly positive.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
Hey Chrissie thank you for saying! I won't argue that coming out at work has been one of my biggest challenges. The greatest fear I had was losing half my staff because of gross insubordination. Fortunately, my fears were unfounded. My staff were as accepting as the rest of the company.
You're right. This was just another step to being authentic. There is so much more to discover! I think I'm finally nearing the end of the first chapter. The next year will be interesting.
Chrissie, if I didn't know better, I'd guess you're one of the girls that's out and socializing all the time. That's how much of a presence you have on CDH. Don't doubt for a second that you are an inspiration for all of us. I wish I knew how to suspend reality for a month (or 12) so you could experience what it's like to live authentically for a good chunk of time. I'm sure there are lots of girls here that would love to celebrate with you. I would definitely be one of them.
Love, Liz
@lizk Liz, what a sweet message. It means a lot to me that you and some of the other girls here understand my dilemma. I really appreciate the warmth and support. I try to remain positive and contribute where I can. I can feel a rather downbeat post coming on. But I sort of feel I've made my bed, and now I must lie in it. Although the mattress isn't all that comfortable. Would be a lot more bearable if I could wear a nice lace nightie.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
Chrissie, we all go through downer times. It helps to talk about it. We'll have your back if it comes to that.
If you ever find yourself with a chunk of time to be yourself, I'm SURE the UK girls will gladly volunteer to make it extra memorable. Heck, I'd fly to the UK from California just to meet you!
Hugs, Liz
@lizk @chrisfp99 I'd absolutely be there for that one too. I think I mentioned kidnap on another thread? 🤣
I'm sure there are lots of girls here that would love to celebrate with you. I would definitely be one of them.
Hear hear, Liz. I'd love to be one of the many others that day 👏.
Allie x
I’m so, so pleased to read this Liz.
It was going to have to happen one day, and so it must be a massive weight off your shoulders.
Your General Manager clearly knows you well with the “Love Wins” explanation.
And yes, a few of us have told @finallyfiona that she’s quite an inspiration.
Big Hugs
Lucy xx
I'm SO glad to have this weight off my shoulders. It's been nagging me for three years.
My General Manager is a friend. We know each other well. And she's wicked smart. I'm not surprised that she saw what I was clearly missing. There's a lesson in there somewhere.
Hugs, Liz
Liz, my heartfelt congratulations to you! That was a most moving post to read, I'm now somewhat teary myself and struggling for words to express how happy I am for you 🙂 *huge hugs*
I know some of the joy that you're experiencing from seeing all the systems you work with now showing your proper name, and people addressing you by it. But oh my goodness, the emotional impact of all those conversations with your colleagues, how wonderful to read about those! I've been a remote and often solo worker for the last 10 years, with only a couple of close working relationships left from before my original office was closed. My own coming out to those colleagues was most fulfilling, but I can only imagine the state of absolute blissful validation that you're in right now. What a wonderful time for you, and I hope it carries on the same way!
I must also say both to you and Allie @alexina, I'm humbled if my experiences that I've related on here have helped or inspired you to make positive changes and progress in your lives. But at the same time, you've supported and encouraged me with your love and friendship, to let the woman within me show on the outside. It's been - and is continuing to be with every new day - the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't thank you enough, neither you nor everyone else on here who has been there for me and done the same 😊
Giant hugs,
Fiona xxx
Hey Fiona! Thank you so much!
Yes, the last week has been joyous and very emotional. Being addressed and gendered correctly at work feels amazing. The conversations I had with the women in my office were especially meaningful. Each of them welcomed me into their circle with open arms. The guys have been great too. Even the macho jock types have been cool. Not a single person has shown a hint of intolerance. I'm a lucky girl!
Today my emotions are finally settling down. It felt more like a regular workday. Anti-climactic even. That gave me some time to think about what comes next.
What does come next? I still have a fair amount of busy work regarding my name change. It's time to focus on my voice therapy. My transition is far from done. I have a zillion tasks waiting to get done. I need to wind down a full-time career in IT. I need to burn some holiday time!
I know the next few months will be a turning point in my life.
Fluff, I like to think that collectively, we make each other better. There's a ton of inspiration in these rooms. I read about girls almost every day that have changed their lives for the better. It's one of the many reasons why I love CDH. Amazing stuff is happening here.
I'm honored we're on this journey together. Ditto for @ellyd22.
Lots of love,
Liz
Oh my God.
I can't even begin to describe how much I love this post.
I died a thousand deaths before telling just TWO people about myself. I find it almost incomprehensible that someone could do what YOU did and come out to an entire building. I can feel my blood pressure rising even thinking about it 🙁
And yet, here you are.
You're still in one piece. You took that dread, you screwed it up into a ball and you knocked it out of the park.
It really is incredibly, astonishingly, brave.
I am very, very proud to have you as a friend, and that goes for @finallyfiona too.
I've already told you both that I think you're awesome. Now you have it in writing as well.
Huge hugs
Ellie xxxxxxxxxx
Ellie Darling,
You know that last week was a wonderful and intensely emotional experience for me. It's AMAZING to feel that acceptance. Yes, I had to overcome a big challenge to get there. I also recognize that it was something I NEEDED to do.
I'm a few days removed from the elation I felt last week. I reread all my responses on this thread. I'm in a different place today. I feel grounded again. Ready to move on to the next challenge. There is so much left to do.
Transition is about moving forward with my life. It's up to me to make that happen. I also know that I can't do this alone. Without the love and support of my chosen family, I wouldn't be where I am today.
This was a win for all of us Ellie. That's how it is for girls like us.
I love you ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Liz
@lizk Congratulations Liz! What a heart warming story of love and acceptance. Feeling fear and doing it anyway, then realizing we had little to fear seems to be a theme around here! It doesn’t always go as well as it did for you but it speaks well for your character that your need landed as well as it did.
❤️ Lea
You are SO right Lea! I'm quick to remind people that the things they fear probably won't happen. Yet I couldn't take my own advice!
Last week is one of my fondest memories. Honestly though, the girls here on CDH deserve some of the credit. I couldn't do this by myself. Having the support of my sisters is making a difference.
Joining this site and doing the work is a winning combination. I keep seeing it over and over.
Hugs, Liz
@lizk Your story parallels many that I know about or have read about. Yes, sometimes there is an upheaval, but many echo your story. The problem is that our fears often outstrip our best thinking. Once we get over the initial hurdle, then we can see how things really sit and that can work to reduce our fears and anxiety.
Some time back I saw a statistic that didn’t surprise me. I think somewhere around 60% to 70% of the population know someone who is gay or lesbian. But the numbers drop to maybe half of that for people who kniw a trans person. It becomes very easy for people to believe the worst about us as they have no offsetting data. While we come out for our own purposes and to realign ourselves, people may begin realize that they have been lied to. Your coming out “in place”, as it is called, is always a difficult proposition because there are so many bits and pieces that have to be attended to. It has to be a thought out process as it is a bit like playing 3 dimensional chess. HR folks play an important part, and by some accounts that I have read, they may be clueless. They may not be hostile, but they may also not know what to do exactly so it becomes an educational process. Also, the “word” has to get out to others are at your level and above and below. While the message will likely be very similar, there may be some subtle tweaks as a function of the audience.
I imagine that you have already worked through all of this, so I’m saying it for the benefit of younger, less experienced people. As you have probably seen in the Coming Out forum in TGH, there can be some really strange thoughts about how the process should go. When you deal with co-workers, subordinates and superiors, there is no substitute for thoughtful personal conversations. Texts, E-mails, etc. really don’t have a place as this is major, heavy duty stuff. Personally, that feels very disrespectful.
Anyway, I think what you have written serves as great information for those who will be transitioning in place. Please consider writing or adapting a version for the Coming Out forum on TGH.
What a great post to wake up to. Thanks for the tale Liz.
It just goes to show. If someone acts like an ars.. le they shouldn't be surprised when they get kickback. Being nice to others on the other hand. . it's that much harder for them to be nasty by return. Simple human nature.
Haha Emma 🤣
I lived in places where there was a surplus of 'arses'. They flew their colors with pride!
*Liz considers if the 'Arse Community' is a thing....and do they have a flag....*
I often wondered if some of those arses followed me to North San Diego County. As I've now seen, they are in short supply here. Woo Hoo! I think I need to celebrate the eviction of the arses that were living rent free in my head!
Toasting you too Emma! Thanks for the laugh!
Hugs, Liz
Liz -
What a joyous read, I'm so happy for you for such a positive experience. It goes to show that our fears are often misplaced.
XOXO
Suzanne
I 'm so Happy for you Elizabeth! Your experience gives me great joy and much hope!
Hugs Barbra
Dear Liz, I had tears in my eyes too as I read this. I know we've talked a little about this moment during some past exchanges but everyone was right. There was no need for trepidation...they all love you, as we do here too. You have always gone out of your way to unselfishly help others. And you set me at ease when I first joined CDH and TGH and I shared my difficulties of navigating the world as an intersex person and dealing with family. You are kind and good and deserve to have this moment. I am better because of you. Thank you for sharing with all of us this moment of joy. Hugs, Marg
Thanks Marg! I think I could say the same about you. You've been a force since you arrived. I know I'm better person because of you. And honestly, I'm better because of all the girls I know on CDH. The sisterhood here is a force too.
Changing my name and coming out at work are two parts of a bigger picture. There is SO much change happening in my life right now. I know my life is at a turning point. I think in a year my life will be much different. In a very good way.
One of the takeaways I'm realizing from this and other trans experiences is how much I'm getting in return for all the work I'm doing. The results are not always what I was expecting. But they ARE exceeding my expectations. Zero regrets!
Liz
Wow, SOOOOO much I wanna say and I really wish we were more geographically compatible so we could sit down and chat about this!
That said, I'm super happy for you and glad you've achieved this major milestone! ❤️ It's entirely appropriate for you to stop and recognize this with as much objectivity as you can muster, because it is no small feat.
It's normal to carry around that anxiety and fear over being accepted in your existing 'tribes' and you carried this fear around for a long time. The release of all then pent up fear is good for you and, frankly, you're well rid of it. Now that you know, be on guard against letting it creep back in.
Look at you - you've done it. You're doing it. Full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes, Elizabeth. 😉
xo M
Distances are only as great as you make them Mel. That said, you and I WILL be in the same room someday. Hopefully clinking glasses....several times!
This topic is pretty much a summary of the last few weeks. There's a ton of boring crap that I left out. And there's plenty left for me to do. I'll be at this thru the summer and possibly thru the end of the year. It's an ENORMOUS amount of work to change your identity.
However, as you pointed out, the most difficult challenge is past me. And yes, it's a huge weight off my shoulders. That gives me new freedom at work with my appearance. I already had a very femme androgenous look going. Now I can build on that. I won't deviated from my 'lazy trans girl' look. But there's a lot I can now do to mix things up.
Damn the torpedoes indeed!
Liz
Liz,
Thank you for such a heartwarming and positive account. All those fears and apprehensions blown away as your fellow workers embrace this much loved member of the team.
All those years of coming to terms with who you are and the want to become that woman you truly are have been worth the wait as now you are that woman.
As the dust settles on this most pivotal time in your life you can settle back to your new normal, put away the tears and maybe, as your boss said, get some work done....
So so happy for you and the wonderful supporters too.
Thank you so much Angela!
I have to confess that I let myself become 'trapped' by the mental dystopia that I often caution against. Everything I was worried about never happened.
I'm still processing the experiences I had last week. My emotions are all over the place.
Coming out at work WAS a pivotal moment. It's part of a bigger picture that's yet to reveal itself. My life is very much at a turning point right now. I feel like more big changes are inevitable.
Hugs,
Liz
I’m so happy for you Liz. I think that there are a lot more good people in this world that care about others than all the sad news that we hear about on TV.
I very much agree Jennifer. Bad news sells so that's what we get most of the time.
It's not lost on me that last week was a monumentally nice surprise. I'd love to say it was expected. If that had been the case, I would've gotten this out of the way three years ago. Still, my faith in others has been somewhat restored. The world IS becoming a better place!
Liz
Liz,
That is one of the most heartwarming posts I have ever read about a trans woman coming out to others. I got so emotional reading it that I had to take some time to compose myself before I was able to respond. I am so glad things went better than anticipated at work and am so glad that you finally have that heavy weight off your shoulders. And I love what you said about having 30 new girlfriends! I have found that dealing with GG women has been one of the most fulfilling parts of my trans life and I love being talked to like just another one of the gals.
Over the years, I have followed your development into the lovely lady you are today and am so very happy that you are finally living life as the real you, not someone others expect you to be. The joy you feel being Liz comes through loud and clear in your posts and I want to thank you for being so open about the feelings and emotions you've experiences throughout your journey. By being so open, you may very well help other ladies come to terms with their transgender selves and, who knows, maybe even be lucky enough to experience the absolute joy that can come with living life as a trans woman, as both you and I are experiencing.
I wish you all the best and am sending a big hug your way.
Fiona
Oh damn Fiona! I'm in tears again, LOL! I'll write you a better response when my head clears. This is all I can handle now. OMG thank you so much!
Liz
