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Today I was driving around in male mode, not thinking about my alter-ego Danni. I stopped at a Rutter's (a large gas station/convenience store here in PA) to grab some grub. This was a busy location and many manly men from a local construction project were inside. The testosterone was very high inside. My thoughts immediately went to, "I am so thankful that I am not dressed as Danni right now". Not that I was scared, but this large group of caveman/meatheads would surely not have ignored Danni if she was standing in line with them. There definitely would have been, at a minimum, rude comments and questions from them.
Now I know there are other things to delve into here (who cares what they say? etc), but the point of this post is to describe the on-going maturation of my identity as a crossdresser. In days gone by, this was a "hobby" that was fun once in a while. It helped me calm down and de-stress. As I got older, I began to view Danni as a "second personality" and I often referred to her in the third person. (I still do this). But today, for the first time, I viewed myself as Danni. I didn't think, "I'm glad Danni is not her right now", I thought, "I'm glad I AM not dressed right now.
I believe that this group and the conversations and chats that we share have helped me realize that I am Danni and she is me. She is always in me, not a "personality" with a switch. I don't change who I am when I am dressed. I have the same ideals, views and opinions. I'm not sure why I ever thought she was not me. And I have to tell you, I am so very happy that I am Danni. I love her and am glad that I have been her almost my whole life. I think it makes me a better man...a better person. I am not ashamed of how I am. I enjoy it and embrace it. I just wish this revelation could have happened earlier in life.
I hope all you younger ladies out there can experience this acceptance earlier than I have. At 52, I feel like I have wasted so much time. I didn't have wrinkles! I could have been out with a nice smooth face and a flat tummy!! I need to make up for lost time.
XOXO
Danni
@dannydior301 Danni you have a very healthy relationship with your alter ego. At 52 you’ve reached a stage where I got to at 67 -so you’re still a baby. The good news is that you can cultivate it and hone it for the rest of your life now. I think it does make us better people as it brings a wider understanding of the human condition overall. Not just the “bro-culture” viewpoints which so many of us remain in because it’s just easier to ‘go along to get along’.
You are a positive addition to CDH girl and I for one, am glad you’ve joined our little group of merry maidens🥰
GP
Danni,
Your words are very dear to me as I have started to feel the same way as I too mature in my dressing and self-acceptance that Davina is part of me. Thank you for sharing.
Davina
@dannydior301 Thanks for starting this Forum topic Danni! Your posting resonated with me. I had an uncomfortable experience getting accosted by a guy in Vegas; not the worst, more like "hey baby going to the concert tonight." I just kept going.
A friendly thought I'd add is that unwanted remarks might be directed at a genetic girl, too. Gives us a perspective of what they go through.
@dannydior301 Thank you….i know Jennifer is with me everyday but I didn’t think of it the way you described. It is very true that some days it is best she is not out even though I want her out. You made better sense of it than I am….so thank you for the post
@dannydior301 Danni just to let you know not everyone in the construction trades is a caveman/meat head who would automatically make a rude remark. This gurl has been in the trades for over 40 yrs and if you saw me in a convenience store (probably a Wawa) there is a 100% chance I’d be wearing panties and possibly a bra under my work clothes and those work clothes may very well be woman’s
Natalie 💋💋💋
@splitdecision good to know! I certainly didnt mean anything by that other than a broad generalization. I spent 25 years in a uniform with a gun. Most of my co-workers were meatheads. I was the exception of course! ❤️👸🏼
I could have said the exact same thing. I've made the same progression in acceptance and I'm also the same age as you. My wife and I used to talk about Michelle as if she was a friend that came over from time to time. Now we talk about Michelle as me. I think compartmentalizing was a way to compensate for a lack of total acceptance on my part. As my acceptance has grown the walls of separation have been dissolving.
@mkat3874 that’s so great for you! Unfortunately, I think my wife likes it better compartmentalized. She is not ecstatic about my new found acceptance of Danni. She still allows me to be me, she’s just not jumping up and down with joy. I did my first solo venture out in public the other night. Let’s just say she did not say “congratulations”.
I think it will take some time. She has been accepting for 30 years. I may have just moved too fast and surprised her. My previous career made all of this impossible. I don’t think she ever thought about what I would do with more freedom.
It's that point when you allow your feminine side to shine through the realisation is that it is she that you have been all along. You haven't changed at all.
Safety is always an issue and wonder if any woman would have not had a few uncomfortable looks or comments in your scenario, let alone you.
Agreed you have a lot to catch up on and enjoy the catching up time.
I think it makes me a better man...a better person.
PREACH! ❤️
I've said it dozens of times - in all of my conversations with girls getting out there, I've never heard a single girl tell me, "Gosh I wish I'd started doing this later!"
Danni, being in the midst of a macho group of men in a pub can be an intimidating situation. Should you go along and be a macho dude swilling beer and ogling women, or should you be the pretty and vulnerable girl? I wish the decision could be easier but I love being femme and would enjoy being hit on as long as it goes no farther. The fantasy continues….
Danni.
What a thoughtful and caring post. At 68 years old, it is only in the past six months or so that I have at last understood that Wendy is me and not some part time persona.
Am hoping to make the most of this truth for as long as I have left.
Hugs,
Wendy xx
Although I may use female pronouns or "Alison" in the forums, it is just for clarity. I don't think I ever thought of myself with a separate personality.
The woman who ran the transformation business always calls me Alison, whether I am dressed or not. Confused, I once asked her why. She explained, "Is your mother/wife/sister/SO still the same if they are not wearing any makeup?" Clearly I'm not a different person if I'm wearing makeup or presenting as a female. I may change mannerisms to "fit in" better, but my personality hasn't changed.
Like you Alison, and like so many of us here, I refer to my Kris persona in the third person also. I also recognize that I am her and she is me and that persona allows me to more easily amplify certain aspects of my personality, informing me as a whole.
Unlike many of us late bloomers however I do not regret the time lost when I was younger. Altho I may have missed the smooth skin, pretty face and fit body I also missed the vicious guilt/shame cycle that starts when we are young and continues to plague many of us even as we age. If i had come upon this aspect of myself as a younger person i no doubt would have found the gender-bending aspect very confusing. However, in my maturity I realize it is just another aspect of myself. So I don't find that i am trying to catch up or make up for lost time, but rather enjoying the present and looking forward to the future. It's all new - I think it's a good way for a person of senior years to feel.
@krisburton I hadn’t thought about it that way. You are so correct. Those early years are full of shame/guilt/torment. That has formed and created who Danni is today. The girl that can’t pass through the threshold to go out into the world. If only the younger versions of us could have the wisdom of the older us. But, I guess that’s not how this life is designed. Live and learn as they say. Thanks for making me think of it in a different way! I’m still learning everyday and doing my best to accept the Danni part of me. ❤️
@dannydior301 When I first joined CDH and read how many CDs only dressed at home in their own castles, I subconsciously chose to not do that. I said to myself that, if I am going to crossdress, then it will be full time.
To do that I had to find a style that allowed me to wear my new clothes anywhere, at all times. It is a compromise that I am willing to make.
@harriette I agree…I’m not ready for full time, but I reached the point of “if I’m doing all this work, I need something more than just standing in front of the mirror”. 40 plus years of hiding is enough, time for Danni to shine! Now I just have to convince her to walk out that door.
Now I just have to convince her to walk out that door.
With the right clothes and presentation, it should be a piece of cake.
@harriette I did it finally. Monday night, I was out of town. Got glammed up and proudly walked out of my hotel room. I walked 3 city blocks and visited with some folks at an LGBT friendly bar. It was fantastic!
@dannydior301 We just have to make it happen, but as most CDs here have related - a piece of cake.
Do you want another slice?
@krisburton I can't say I regret not doing it when I was younger either. It would have been nice if I was able, but it wasn't practical on so many levels. Shame and guilt. Living in an apartment building with 500 families, with 4 other buildings in our complex, and another 7 close by. A stay-at-home mom. Sharing a bedroom with two brothers. Later getting married, and then having a family. No internet to show me there were others. No youtube to see others outdoors or makeup tutorials. No dressing services to get a makeover, or store things. My time came when my time came. It wasn't possible before.
@alison-anderson love that perspective. You ladies are making me feel better!
@alison-anderson Nicely summed up reality for a lot of us Allison. Thanks for your thoughtful post.
Thank you for your post and reflection on your experience. It seems to me to line up with Joan Bunnyluv's recent post on being comfortable on the CD spectrum.
Such a thought provoking post danni. I definitely feel Melanie is always with me and I am her no matter how I present. As I think about this post it reminds me of the old cartoons when the character had an angel on one shoulder and a little demon on the other competing to get the person to act the way each wanted. So in a nutshell there is a manly man on one shoulder and a demure lady on the other, with me carrying both and falling some place in the middle. Neither ever goes away but depending on where I am and what I’m doing one wins out. Ty for starting this forum.
Danni -
Thank you for your post and perspective on your feelings.
I also have come to realize that Suzanne is me and I am her. One thing that I have noticed is that there are things I've suppressed my whole life that I am starting to let out of the box they were in. I feel I am gentler and more aware of my feelings. There are times that I become emotional, not very often and I still suppress it to a point but at least now I am aware of those feelings. I do wish I had recognized and explored this part of myself years ago, however, I can't turn back the hands of time and have a do over. I can accept myself as I am now and enjoy myself with what time I have left.
It is wonderful that we are able to accept who we are and express those feelings in what ever manner we are able to. The important part is that we no longer need to hide from ourselves.
Thank you to all the other ladies who gave their perspective on this topic. It is so nice to see that we share a common bond.
XOXO
Suzanne
I read this somewhere. Maybe even on CDH. “The inner girl always wins”.
