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I have seen two therapists over the last fifteen years or so. I owe them a lot. They were, however, both in their seventies, and while they were terrific in terms of being supportive about my cross dressing, it may have been outside their fields of expertise.
When my most recent therapist retired, I decided to try out three new therapists at once. The problem quickly became that I liked all three and didn’t know which way to go with that. They were all well aware of cross dressing and they gave me something I never thought I needed but I did. They gave me consensus.
My wife found out four years into our marriage. My first request she has honored completely. “Please don’t tell anyone!” Later, I realized that this favor she had done me fit exactly her needs. She was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to find out. Other than that, she decreed that she didn’t want to see or hear anything about it. I would leave things out and get scolded. The same would happen if I ordered something and a package arrived. I dressed very sparingly.
All three therapists asked me the same question- what would be your ideal situation?
A funny thing happened. I didn’t have an answer, but eventually it came to me.
I am up and out for work before anyone in my family gets up. After showering and before getting dressed, I want to put something on.
1) Demand number one became that instead of digging through storage boxes, I need my clothes in dressers and drawers where I can access them easily when I need them.
2) No more scolding. I will tell you when a package is coming. Some reasonable retail therapy goes a long way to making me happy. If I leave an item out that upsets you, kindly put it away or ask me nicely to do the same.
3) Time. Probably twice a month or so, I need to be able to request that you provide me with a four-hour block to get dressed and apply makeup and relax.
4) One therapist encourage me to incorporate cross dressing into my desire to work on my health. That means some underdressing during exercise and more items appearing in the laundry (which I play a large part in doing on a regular basis)
We had the discussion during marriage therapy. It was ugly, but it led to calmer discussion later. I arranged my things in the guest room where they can easily be removed when guests come. I keep anything that’s a dead giveaway (wigs, breast forms, size 15 heels) in a bin where I have easy access to them when needed. I mix in male items in the closet.
I have lost weight and am eating much healthier. I will make my first request for time soon. Mainly, I understood that I have trouble standing up to my wife. Cross dressing may make me a stronger person and help me be braver when I need to be.
For those of you who have limited acceptance, what would your top three demands be? I am sorry this was so long, but I wanted to share this important step with my virtual gal pals. Hugs to all.
I forgot to add that all of my therapists all said independently of each other that these things should not be presented as a choice. I had come up with the same idea, but it took me time to find the courage.
I’m a single person and applaud your strength for listing your demands and not giving up. I tried squashing the idea of crossdressing for many years throughout my marriage. But it never worked and I always went back to dressing. Now in regards to my daughters and the rest of the family I’m still closeted but to anyone else I’m open about crossdressing. I have no demands I just say this is who I am.
Hi Melinda,
I am sorry to hear of your struggles. When my wife first found out, which was over twenty years ago, she was, well, horrified. I could not stop, however, so (which actually makes things worse) I went back to doing it without her knowledge.
Before that, I had seen an account in a newspaper of a young man who, with his wife's consent and encouragement, dressed whenever he was not at work. His wife was quoted as saying, "I don't care what sex he is... I just love him for who he is."
As I recall, they had a child as well.
I worked, supported my family and did all that was expected. All I needed was time allowed when I could dress the way I wanted to instead of having to hide it.
I think that all any of us need is understanding.
This day and age though is more enlightened than that of even only twenty years ago.
I love on my own now and so spend most of my time in feminine mode.
It is still true though that the more we do this, the more we want to do it.
In short, we shouldn't have to demand or negotiate to wear and dress the way we want to. Women do that all the time without question.
Maybe a little off topic, but I hope it helps.
Thank you for your post.
Aurora Eden
Like many girls here I live a life of "Don't ask don't tell" because the wife says its my thing and not hers and she doesn't want to talk about it at all. While she holds this attitude I do enjoy certain allowances like underdressing daily, buying what I want, shaving my body, and limited freedom to dress around the house during certain times of the day. Recently I've even worn my small forms around her. It works for us and she seems to not care at all.
What I would like to do is be able to meet other CD's in person for companionship and be able to go out together enfem sometimes maybe to dinner or a girls get together. I would also like to be able to practice my makeup skills which I have rare time for now.
I don't make these demands because with SO's you never know what is over the line that would cause a blowup. I enjoy what I have now and hope for better times in the future.
Well my requirements keep evolving and I know some of these are asking a lot but currently, I would request the following (not all of these are directed at my SO):
1) Time dress, a few days a week. It's hard at the moment with a 19 yr old kid still occasionally at home. A guaranteed 4 hour stint per week would be a good baseline but I know it's not enough. I spent a whole week as Abbie last month and felt a bit emotional when I had to put away the breast forms and wig.
2) No scolding about packages etc.
3) I have some dysphoria around body hair and would love to get rid of it and have that be OK by all.
Right now I really need to live as Abbie for a while, it might be months or could be permanent, if only that was reasonable without all the turmoil that would ensue.
Great question by the way, thanks.
-- Abbie 🥰
Hi Melinda ,
I have been married for 28 years and when I discovered my feminine side about 4 years ago she was supportive but she has her Boundaries.
As your wife is mine is embarrassed about my feminine side and doesn't want me dressing locally.
I try to respect her boundaries but I have pushed some of her boundaries pretty far.
she didn't want me dressing in front of her in the house and I blew that boundary totally.
I eventually had to tell my wife I loved her very much but I could not stop being feminine if I wanted to its a beautiful part of me and I am growing to be very proud of it and who I am.
Unfortunately it totally turned my wifes physical attraction to me off.
I really hate that but there is nothing I can do about it and I feel it is her loss as I am still attracted to her
in every way.
My top needs from my wife would be to allow me to dress locally and go with me.
My second would be that she is more supportive and be attracted to be as before because I am still the same person inside .
nice wish list
Thank you for a great topic.
Huggs Patty
Embarrassment seems to be the #1 problem our spouses have with our Dressing. When we had The Talk, I was given only two limitations: No DRESSES (only) in her presence, and keep Bettylou hidden from our kids and her friends, to avoid embarrassing her. And she has since removed the No Dress rule. An awkward situation for us, since the only "solution" is for cross dressing to lose its stigma and become socially acceptable....which, in turn, requires that we present in large numbers as CDs. It's a egg vs chicken conundrum, far beyond this girl's skills to answer.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Hi Betty Lou,
Just a thought, but it seems like significant others always want to be loved (quite rightly) for who they are and not what they look like.
Shouldn't it apply both ways?
Shouldn't we be loved for who we are, whether we are wearing a dress, heels and make-up or coveralls and workboots?
Aurora Eden
Hi Aurora,
I agree with you.
You are speaking of an unconditional love: A beautiful treasure, if you can find it. But it is a rarity in the human species; uncommon among guys, and even more uncommon among GGs. I wish it were otherwise, but the only sure way to find it is to adopt a dog, or a bunny rabbit.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Thank you Melinda,
Good on you and your new therapists. While we certainly don't get to rule the roost and have it all our way, if the relationship is to continue and move forward then we DO have a say in how some things will be within our home. Thats how compromise works.
Live well, keep up the counselling, and continue communicating with your partner.
Olivia
Thank you, Olivia. Well said!
You are so brave Melinda.
I don't have a demand just a request that she accepts me without being disgusted with me.
Years ago I told my wife of my feminine desires. While she let me partake to a certain extent, never around her, whenever I just mentioned something from a feminine perspective there was just disgust coming from her. So for many years I more or less suppressed my desires. Oh, from time to time I would put something feminine on, but not for any real length of time. I felt embarrassed that my wife would find out. But just recently I started dressing a little more in earnest. I've been going out of my comfort zone some. Lately I've bought makeup, panties and stockings. It has made me happy. My wife was out of town for several days and I spent those days doing "Girl Time." I was actually smiling more.
Sorry about all the negativity. But the last few months has shown me I can't live without Liara. So I am going to work as hard as I can to get my wife to come around. I have no doubt that it will take awhile, so until I get her on board I will have "Girl Time" in secret. I'm not sad or embarrassed about my passion anymore, I am actually so happy that I decided to get on with my feminine life. I'm also happy I found CDH. It makes me feel so good to express myself to someone.
Thanks Girls
Liara
PS Sorry for the long rant
1. stop moving the goal posts. one day dressing seems to be fine and the next day it is not.
2. don't become automatically defensive when we have a conversation about crossdressing.
3. don't be passive aggressive about crossdressing. We can't move forward without talking about it.
Interesting points, Bettylou. I guess wives tend to see it as a challenge to their turf and many want to retain membership in the group called normal. It is very freeing once you can quit the group.
It’s a tough way to go through life. I am curious about your wife not being attracted to you, yet not wanting to leave. There has to be something about you that she loves. Good luck working it out! Hugs!
