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My wife contcted a lawyer

12 Posts
11 Users
23 Reactions
458 Views
Posts: 358
Lady
Topic starter
(@paulahere)
Honorable Member     St Thomas, Ontario, Canada
Joined: 5 years ago

Good Day all,

So I have been out to my wife for almost 5 years.  Over that time I have grown more comfortable with my femme self and  being out in public.  I am dressed femme in some way all the time.

My wife never said it bothered her, just ignored my clothing choices.  She call the company employee assistance program (EAP) the therapist there said she could not help and forwarded her on.  While waiting Wife continued talking with the therapist,  who recommended contacting a lawyer and a financial person to help her see what the future looks like.

I did not know this.

I was invited to a queer engineering out reach event at a university in town.  A photo was taken and subsequently posted on LinkedIn.  My daughter saw it, forwarded it to my wife.  She blow up.

She has met with the new therapist now and the therapist has told her what I am asking of her to accept my changes to the relationship are the biggest ask anyone can make.  She was told the separation in the majority outcome in this situation.   

She contacted the lawyer who asked for $450 per hour with the average separation agreement coming in at 4500 to 5000.  

So I am now moving to the second bedroom in the house.  All trace on my Femme needs to be put away as not to upset her.  

She has also gone to the bank, and got a separate account and Visa card in her name only.

She has also been looking at apartments. 

Our Daughter live 200km away at university, we pay all her expenses.  Daught graduates this year.  So around June we should no longer be paying for her life.

So come June I expect my wife will move out.

I want her to stay and work everything out.  She doesn't see that as a possibility at this point.

Can anyone give me guidance to help.move forward.

Overwhelmed,  and emotional.

Paula

 

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11 Replies
3 Replies
(@cdashley)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Oshawa, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1488

@paulahere So sorry to hear that Paula, hopefully a peaceful ending for you and a new start after the dust settles. I always have this fear in the back of my mind with my supportive and understanding wife.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4016

@paulahere I am so sorry to hear this, Paula. It sounds as if her mind is made up / was made up for her, so look after, protect yourself first.

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Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2157

@paulahere Sorry to hear that Paula. I am a little surprised that the therapist didn't suggest couples therapy.  She likely described problems a little one sided, I am going to guess that your description is also a little one sided. If she would go for it you 2 MIGHT be able to salvage your relationship. The minimum I could wish for you is that any final separation for the both of you would be be calm and peaceful. 

Cassie 

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Posts: 362
Duchess
(@kdmon)
Reputable Member     Fort Myers, Florida, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I'm sorry to hear of your situation Paula. I was in a similar situation with my last wife. Everything I did or tried only made things worse. Looking back I wish I had cut my emotional losses a lot sooner and moved on as it didn't make any difference to her it only gave her more time to put me at a further disadvantage.Your lucky you don't have any underage kids to make things even more complicated. I wish you the best and good luck

Kathleen

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Posts: 2108
Hostess
(@cdsue)
Famed Member     Delaware, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

 .Paula -

Sorry top hear this

XOXO
Suzanne

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Posts: 3437
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

Hi Paula,

So sorry to hear this sad tale.

On the face of it the therapists seem to have been proactive in her decision but she appears to have gone for the therapy on her own volition. Therefore she must have said things that instigated her seeking a lawyer. Sadly the hard truth is that she may have been harboring these thoughts for quite a while and felt there was no point in telling you, which is sad. I have to make the assumption that it is solely the dressing that is the issue or main reason.

Naturally it has to be said that you could and should try and see if there is anything that will save the relationship and sure you will be doing that and the obvious is to see if she is willing to go to a relationship counselor. With what you have said it seems that you will have to start getting your affairs in order and prepare for the worst case scenario as a precaution.

I hope you have friends or other family that will be there for you.

You can understand it is so difficult to advise on such matters but be sure you will have a sympathetic ear and help in any way we can for you.

Keep strong Paula.

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Posts: 358
Lady
Topic starter
(@paulahere)
Honorable Member     St Thomas, Ontario, Canada
Joined: 5 years ago

Thank you.

I kind of knew it was coming.  I am still hopeful that the gender therapist will help her see that this can be worked through. 

I am trying to show her that I love her and care for her.  But I think it is time to do the financial review and have everything ready for the lawyer.

Paula

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1 Reply
Guest
(@Anonymous 91116)
Joined: 2 years ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 97

@paulahere 

Dear Paula,

I'm so sorry for this outcome and that you have to go through this 🙁

Take care, will all my support an encouragement
The Bluest Belladonna

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Posts: 1325
(@rebeccabaxter)
    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

Should the worst come to the worst, as someone who has had variable success with lawyers allow me to suggest that you do as much of the work of contacting your other half directly. Lawyers have a vested interest in drawing things out as long as they can, and they will. When I got divorced, our respective lawyers spent all their time writing to each other then each one would write to us and we would write back and they would write to each other...ad nauseum. In the end, I got so fed up of it, I went to see my soon-to-be ex-wife and sorted it all out in person. We then each wrote to our lawyers and told them to do what we'd agreed and then contact us when they'd done it. It worked very well. It cut the expenses down immensely, there was less animosity and indeed, we still stay in contact a couple of times a year.

Of course if one can't stand the sight of the other then that's probably not going to work but give it a go, if you have to.

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Posts: 122
Lady
(@kelgels)
Estimable Member     Tasmania, Australia
Joined: 2 years ago

Wow that is tough, I can imagine the stress you must be going through.  I hope you and your wife can come to an agreement that works for you to remain together.  But it sounds like her mind is made up.  That is the problem now with the creation of all these social media platforms every one knows each other business.  Good luck.

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Posts: 173
Lady
(@butteryeffect)
Reputable Member     Preston, Lancashire, United Kingdom
Joined: 2 years ago

I have just been through this, it took 3 years and was hell (I'm in the UK BTW), it wasn't because of my dressing but I didn't want to divorce and my wife of 30 years did. I tried to get her to go to counselling etc. but she wouldn't and pressed ahead with the divorce. I can only echo what has been said above sort as much of it out directly between yourselves otherwise you will just burn money with lawyers.

It's hard and I really feel for you but sometimes things come to an end and now I can dress whenever I like and do what I like. TBH I now feel I have a better life even though I am not as financially comfortable.

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