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Tonight, while getting ready to watch a movie after supper, as usual, my wife was video chatting with a niece. She turned her phone around to point its camera at me. I covered up my chest as I moved out of view and gave her a stern look. I knew then that she had blabbered to probably everyone.
After she hung up, I asked her about when she started telling everyone. She didn't answer directly and tried to lie about it because she knew that she had been caught, but I told her that I knew that she did tell others. It was written all over her face. Who were they? Basically, everyone that she knows and her co-workers.
She didn't want me to reveal anything around where we live and I kept my word on that. She, on the other hand, obviously couldn't keep her mouth shut.
I made it clear that I had trust issues with her over that and then she started acting tough. Eventually, she sheepishly cuddled up to me in some way of apology.
The worst thing is that she has told our daughter. She seems to struggle with this sort of thing, so we will have to see how well she handles it.
Well, the cat is out of the bag now, that's for sure. 😱
@harriette I must say, that is a bit of an underhand thing to do!😲
I hope everything works out OK for you. X
Hi, Harriette, I'm so sorry this has happened, I can only imagine how you are feeling. It looks like your wife is also struggling more than she suggested when you initially came out to her. I hope you can both work through this, despite the hurt.
There must be a psychic connection here somewhere because I had a dream last night in which some friends of my younger daughter were supposedly helping her clear her room (she hasn't lived with us for years). Then I saw one of them carrying a couple of pairs of my heels through the house. I challenged her and told her they're mine. The expected reaction followed and I was outed. Maybe coincidence, maybe not.
On a completely different matter, I noted your reply to Jane regarding the gender test. I found and completed the questionnaire so I'm 72% masculine and 33% feminine, kind of what I thought myself.
Anyhoo, I'm thinking of you.
Hugs
Allie x
@alexina My result was the opposite of my recent example mentioned there: 64% female, 49% male.
Who knew? 🫣
@harriette Ouch, that sounds really unpleasant hon, not least for being so unexpected, I feel for your situation. Like Lea said, she should have had your consent to spread that news and from what you've written, it smacks hugely of hypocrisy.
I hope you've got the strength in your femininity to face down or rise above any negative reactions among the people close to you that she told. If you need any support or just to vent, we're all here for you girl 🤗
Hugs,
Fiona xxx
@harriette that is so underhanded and wrong. Trust is gone, l hope all turns out well. So sorry hugs x
@harriette Wow Harriet what a bummer. Trust issues for sure. For me I am not sure I would ever be able trust her on anything again. Sorry if to harsh, but certainly she should know of potential impacts to you and the whole family. I would just be devastated. I hope it all works out for YOU!
@harriette I can’t, obviously, speak to your wife’s motives but that’s now in the past. Now is the time for you to work out what Hariette is going to move forward and keep on cuddling.
This is really unfortunate. It is a modern version of the old WW2 saying:
“Loose Lips Sink Ships”
I would suggest three things:
- Give some thought to what you would say if confronted by someone negative and by someone who is supportive. For someone who is supportive, you want to let them know how much you appreciate and respect what they told you. For those who are negative, politely remind them that you are not living to support their opinions. They are entitled to think what they want and you should be afforded the same privilege.
- More than likely, you will be asked: “Are you gay?”. Figure out how you want to answer that in a direct way and not be caught off guard.
- Ask you wife what she expects to happen in the aftermath. It may reveal what she now thinks about what she did.
@flatlander48 Thanks, DeeAnn. I haven't had a good time to try to talk to her yet. I think that she did it out of spite (Why? Dunno), so it may be difficult getting her to admit to that.
Yes, sometimes an indirect approach works better. That was the thought process behind the 3rd point. It can be better to approach a sensitive topic from a sideways direction rather than head on.
@harriette Things will be fragile now for sure. Time to confront your wife, find out what your daughter knows, etc. then maybe talk to your daughter if she wants answers. I would also want to know what your wife’s intentions are outing you, breaking a trust in your relationship. What will be the LT effects of this for you? Lots of questions to be answered. If it helps, I came out and never looked back. It doesn’t work out for everyone, but it did me. I hope you can get the answers you need to move forward.
hugs, Jillleanne
@harriette I just wanted to add my voice of support love, it must have turned everything upside down when you are just getting to know yourself. Keep reaching out, CDH is full of support and love.
@harriette it’s done. Now plan damage control as best you can. It’s important that you know who she told. Then access your relationship with each to go forward. Times could be rough , but in the end , no more sneaking around. You may be surprised how many will accept you totally. Good luck sis👩❤️👩
@missylinda Thanks, Lorraine.
The only people that matter are my wife and daughter / family. The rest I hardly even know or have never / may never even meet. The problem is the broken trust.
@harriette a breach like that between people so close is serious I admit. But life is short and if you truly so love her, time can rebuild that trusting bond. All my best wishes
@harriette Well isn't that something your wife telling everyone! As someone said already you will have to see how it all shakes out. Though I confess to some curiosity as to why she would do that, then try to pretend she didn't.
This will obviously be straining your relationship with your wife, I hope things work out well for you two.
Everyone is different and has different relationships with their children and others in their circle. However I told my adult children about my Amy persona a few years ago as I was going out more and more and was rather tired of all the hiding especially from my son who moved back in during the pandemic and has yet to move back out.
They all seem to be fine with it, though my son would still prefer to not meet his "Auntie Amy" face to face. Not so my daughter who now comes out with me sometimes, as does her hubby.
All this is to say that perhaps things will work out for the better once it all settles down, and that is my wish for you.
Amy
@amylove2dress Thanks, Amy.
I am wondering if her attitude will change if she meets other CDs, such as at Xpressions.
@harriette Hopefully she would come out to something, and the pub night is a good venue to talk and discuss things like this. We are private and there's not much background noise.
Anyway, we are there if you folks can make it.
Amy
@amylove2dress We are both busy Friday nights, though. If anything, it would be a Saturday.
@harriette Harriette, I hope it works out for you…it may make things so much easier!
hugs Christine
@harriette Harriette, i can completely understand, this sort of communication should really only be done by you, at your pace, to people you want to tell and not by others, however close they are to us. It would be interesting to find out your wife’s motivation.
i hope it does, but I am sure it will, work out.
Hugs
Christine
@christineth I did try to impress this upon her earlier. Obviously, I failed at convincing her of the importance of being discreet.
I was very sorry to read that this has happened; many others here have expressed their support and I would like to add my voice to that. I have been pondering the situation but, as I don't know too much about your circumstances I hesitate to offer any suggestions beyond those already made.
However, the one thought in my mind has been along the line of "every cloud has a silver lining". I haven't a clue whether that would be true for you, but I wonder whether there is anything in this situation that you can turn to your advantage in the longer term? To use another trite expression "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade". And just remember - we are all here to share that lemonade with you when the time comes 😀 .
Huge hugs, Rebecca xxx
@fembecky Thank you, Rebecca.
My problem is with our daughter knowing. She had said a few things that led me to believe that she wouldn't approve, to one degree or another, so I chose not to say anything, till this happened. So far, she hasn't mentioned anything yet.
She had said a few things that led me to believe that she wouldn't approve, to one degree or another, so I chose not to say anything
I believe the same was true in my case - the odd time I mentioned something to my wife I got the distinct impression there would be complete disapproval; this led me to stay deep in the closet for many years. When I did start to come out there were one or two upsets and hurdles to navigate, but that eventually led to very full acceptance. I really hope you find something similar emerges for you; if it does I suspect the greater freedom to be open will bring its own joys.
Rebecca
Hi Harriette,
I can understand you being upset with your wife for sure, but in may be a blessing in disguise. I told my wife I was a crossdresser before we got married. During our time together, coming up on 48 years, she has told her sisters about Trish, my family all know about Trish and our two boys also know. None of them want to see Trish (so far) but I can tell you knowing that pretty much everybody does know was a huge weight off my shoulders. I don't have any worries any more. My wife said to me one day aren't you afraid of the neighbours seeing you when you come and go? I honestly said "I don't really care if they find our or not. If they find out that's fine with me. They have two choices, either accept me or don't. It doesn't really matter one way or the other".
Trish 💖
@trish1980 Re: blessing in disguise
Time will tell. The problem, for now, is I haven't spoken to anyone that knows, to know how they will accept my dressing.
Morning Harriette, honestly I think you’ll find that most if not all will be accepting of you. My oldest boy was the last to know about Trish. So I had to tell him. It was more stressful than when I told my wife. half way through telling him I started crying and he just smiled, walked over, gave me a hug and said I love you Dad. At the end he just said is that it? When you phoned I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer or something. Have a wonderful weekend girl.
Trish ❤️
@harriette Sorry to here, only good side is you no longer need to worry about someone finding out.
@harriette, what has been the reaction from the people she has told? Have they acted differently with you? Are you concerned that they will no longer accept you? What a terrible way to be outed. I hope everything works out for you.
@chellycd Apparently, I have to prove that she actually told someone. I am pretty sure she told people at her work because she was pretty convincing about that. I am having doubts about others. We will see.
@harriette - ouch. That's a bit of an inconsiderate thing for her to do. However....without wanting to sound flippant, think of some of the positives here:
- it's saving you having to carry the burden of secrets around with you
- she clearly isn't so embarrassed by you that she can't tell people
- you're still alive
- I assume nobody has been openly nasty to you about this
One thing I've noticed as I've become a little bolder in my in-person shopping is that generally speaking, peop,e appear not to care about my dressing habits. It's getting to the point where I really don't care if people do find out by chance (contradictorily, I am closetted). I think it would be a huge relief for me. Actually, perhaps peop,e would say, "I thought so!" (followed by something nice hopefully)
There really is a side to me that people see and which matters - how I behave towards them. And there is a side to me that people don't see and which doesn't matter - how I like to dress.
The same may be true of your situation.
It seems like a bit of an insensitive breach of confidence on your wife's part - but could there be a positve side to that?
@sunnyday Thanks, Alli.
We certainly have similarities in our situations. If people look closely enough, then they can sure see that something is going on, especially if I am using breast forms. Since I don't wear dresses / skirts or Capri pants outdoors, they might have to take a second look, though.
Im sorry to hear about this Harriette. This is a real breach of trust and consent in your wife’s part and it feels passive aggressive. From reading your posts I understand how you’ve struggled to keep the lid on and stay fairly closeted due to your situation. If I were in your situation I would explain to her how it’s not her news to tell others, least of all your daughter.
@leainvancouver Yeah, I didn't really expect her to do this initially because she knows how to be discreet at her job, but, eventually, I thought that it was happening. Spite? Probably. Not a lot that I can do about it now.
Unbelievable. What a shocking betrayal of trust. I'm so sorry you're going through this and can only hope it leads to better things and that you and your wife can find a way through it all. Ugh.
Hmmmm... That's not cool at all..... On the positive side, hopefully most if not all of the folks who now know, will understand that you have to live your life too. When my wife told her best friend that I crossdress, I was a bit upset, but when I met the friend a few weeks later she hugged me and told me that she loves me still.
It's not all bad. But still not cool..... Have fun, Staci
so wrong on her part! total disrespect for you, as well as a double standard. She wants to you not tell anyone close by..but she blabs to anyone she can bend their ear with. Curious as to to "why" she did this? What was her purpose? Was it to embarrass you? Hurt you? or??
Curious as to to "why" she did this? What was her purpose? Was it to embarrass you? Hurt you? or??
I have to presume that she is doing it to be hurtful, spiteful. It wouldn't be the first time. She is probably being advised by busybodies who have no idea what they are messing with, too.
Last weekend, she was invited to a family birthday party. I was sort of invited, too, but she made it feel like I was an afterthought. I was given very little warning and had other plans, so I declined to go. All of these people would have known, but she hadn't told me that they knew. It would have been very awkward if I found that out there. I would also have been there like a circus exhibit.
@harriette sorry to hear, so wrong on her part to be so disrespectful to you and share your dressing with anyone without getting your approval.
Thanks for all of your support, everyone.
This is still a work in progress and will probably be that till the end of time.
Hang in there Harriette, we're all here for you.
Harriette, there's not a lot I can add to what the girls have said but I'm so sorry things have played out like this. For what it's worth our thoughts are all with you hun xx.
So sad to hear Harriette. Trust, once broken is hard to gain back. As Fiona said, this community is behind you.
That is awful that she betrayed your trust like that. Who and when we are comfortable coming out to anyone else should be our decision.
Nancy
@birel I tried to impress that upon her, but, obviously, she had other ideas about that. Selfish? I'd say so.
Harriette -
I'm sorry to hear this. I hope things work out for you.
XOXO
Suzanne
Same here, she loves to tell everyone, even total strangers!!!!
Hi Harriette, Sorry for the late reply. I've been busy moving a household. Just a few thoughts here and hope that they won't come across as a know it all. So, when you're out, you're out. There's no going back and when you dress it's not like a perfect secret. Sooner or later something happens and things start leaking out and people may need damage control. So, now you're out. I would suggest that you just own it. You didn't intend for things to end up this way but they did, so pick up the pieces and control it proudly and as best you can. You have skill sets, so volunteer to help with local stage productions. Get yourself a sewing machine and take lessons and become the next Bob Mackie. Join a sewing circle and use yourself as the model. You would be very good with design and makeup. Also your local trans group (here in the states we have PFLAG and in Canada there's Egale) would benefit from your life experience and skills). Yup, it didn't go the way that you hoped but there's a lot of folks that you could help with your current abilities and knowledge, so go boldly into your next phase. Now, speaking about the way that you were outed. I've noticed that as people age they tend to get screwy. They make mistakes and things just fly out of their head. Maybe some of this has occurred and once the train got off the track a wreck happened before it could be corrected. We say "for better or worse" when we join up with our partners but nobody ever really concentrates on the worse part and even two army buddies in the same foxhole can get into a serious disagreement. A public fight is never pretty but I suggest that you definitely try to work it out with your wife and daughter the best that you can. Be honest and make the situation as positive as possible. I wish that I could bring over some cold ones and sit and talk but since I can't I'll have a drink here tonight and hope that you are able to have one too. Hugs, Marg
@margprodue Thanks, Marg.
I am going to take this slowly, one day at a time. The only things that I know for certain are that she snuck taking a couple of pictures of me and, more recently, she turned her phone video camera towards me while chatting. What my wife has told or whom remain to be proven. I can only go on what she has told me.
