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22 Posts
8 Users
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Posts: 209
Lady
Topic starter
(@lillie)
Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

So, Sunday I posted on are you gay. SO, and I had a day out and dressing and having the talk again, but the next day the talk ended there.

How do I bring up the day when, wine not involved.  Wine seems to open up my wife, since she internalizes everything. We had an open discussion, if you read the post, but I think there is something more going on in her mind.

Asking all Dressers and SO on, how to start the discussion again, because I would like to talk more about the discussion of the day.

All thoughts excepted.

Right now, it feels like no one knows the next step.

Hugs

 

Lynne

.

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21 Replies
4 Replies
Lady
(@joanarbour)
Joined: 9 years ago

Reputable Member     Missoula, Montana, United States of America
Posts: 167

@lillie you must already know what the million questions will be. Just don’t over rehearse your answers, if you don’t know or you’re not sure say so. AND there will be a million and oneth questions. 

Also, remember you love one another. 

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Lady
(@lillie)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 209

@joanarbour Thanks and yes we do.

 

Lynne

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Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 2144

@lillie Hi, Lynne, I really feel for you, in 48 years of my marriage, there's a lot of "been there, done that's.

I cannot/would not offer advice but I hope things go well for you both.

Allie x

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3977

Posted by: @lillie

All thoughts excepted.

Right now, it feels like no one knows the next step.

Without actually mentioning it, you know that you have a communication problem. You want to talk, apparently she doesn't.

If you can't convince her to open up, then why not get assistance from a therapist?

 

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Posts: 3381
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

It would seem she is internalising again. It was a big deal to dress with her blessing but it is not uncommon too see this reaction. I wouldn't advocate wine but a sober wife and the key is to give her time and space. Perhaps telling her it is causing you some angst and ask her you wish to talk more but only when she feels ready.

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3 Replies
Lady
(@lillie)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 209

@ab123 thanks. I am a little conf useed at this time

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Hostess
(@ab123)
Joined: 5 years ago

Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Posts: 3381

@lillie Perfectly normal and maybe your wife is too.

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Lady
(@lillie)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 209

@ab123 

Agela, agree. we have been talking tonight. I have been pressing about what went on this weekend.

Thanks

Lynne

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Posts: 97
Guest
(@Anonymous 91116)
Trusted Member
Joined: 2 years ago

Dear Lynne,

I have observed, time is the crucial element in the big reveal. Mainly "how long you have been crossdressing" (duration in lifetime) and the time "after the big reveal" (duration after coming out).

The person we reveal to is observing (in great anxiety) if anything has changed during these duration and how it affects our relationship with them.

Have our personalities changed after we started dressing? Do we have more friends? etc.
The amount of change in our relationship with them during these duration's are trajectory of changes in the future. Is crossdressing a new phase of our lives? or is it something we have always done and part of our current life and the big reveal leads to little change.

Processing is necessary and cannot be rushed or sped up. Change is scary because of the unknown. Similar to sitting in a dark room: we fear what is in the darkness not the darkness itself. With time and understanding we become less afraid as realize what is in the darkness is (hopefully) harmless and maybe actually quite fun 😉

With all my support and encouragement,
The Bluest Belladonna

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1 Reply
Lady
(@lillie)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 209

@bluestbelladonna 

Bluest. thank you, for your insight. Dressing for a long time came out almost three years ago. We  have not changed, we are committed. Tonight, we have been taking. Hard part for her is she never saw it. We are working through it. 

Hugs

Lynne

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Posts: 2164
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I know it is harder then it sounds, but why not just ask her what she thinks of it. The best way to start a conversation is simply to start it. My wife and I have our best disccusions over dinner and a nice bottle of wine. She is indifferent to my dressing, meaning she is fine if I do, buy would be just as fine if I didn't. Her attitude is they are just clothes. She has never questioned my sexuality since I really haven't changed in out 40 years of marriage. Sometimes.oir discissions are onesided since I sometimes just need to say things to make myself more.comfortable. Once over dinner I just said how much I like to.dress and that it makes me feel good and that if she ever has an issue with it to just let me know. She lets me get away with a lot, but if something is too obviois she tells.me and I adjust without any further discussion. Just recently I was wearing a bikini and forms in our hotel room, and she qas fine with it, buy when we went out for dinner she said.my boobs were too prominant, so I just took.them out and went to.dinner underdressed and she was fine. When we got back to.our room my forms went back in and we had a fun evening.

 

So, the bottomline is just do it. Talk to jer ask her questions and reply honestly to her questions or comments.

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1 Reply
Lady
(@lillie)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 209

@jjandme 

JJ, thanks. We did talk some last night, it was a start.

 

Lynne

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Posts: 2164
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Good to hear, I hope it was a productive conversation. Some people, like my wife just don't seem to have a need to talk about it. As I have said, she just acxepts it within pretty broad limits so there is no real need to discuss it.

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Posts: 2164
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I should add, so.etimes we feel the need to discuss it even thoigh our spouse does not. I have had some good conversation with my cousin , so that helps with my desire to dicuss my dressing, and of course it is always good to open up here as well.

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5 Replies
Lady
(@lillie)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 209

@jjandme 

JJ, I understand and was thinking of our talk last night. She has a problem with what happened over 2 yrs. ago. We were working on a job and my wife was there and I had lipstick residue on my lips after i was called back to the job. She just cannot let it go. It's like how you, not remembered to look before you left home. I said, I forgot I even had it on.  In addition, she feels threatened that I am on this site. She saw it up, before we went out. I told her that, this site was safe, and we help each other. If she wanted to look at anything on this site, she was welcome and she could go thru all my post.  Maybe I got her thinking, nothing more was said.

So, working at it.

Sincerely,

Lynne

 

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(@siobhann)
Joined: 11 months ago

Estimable Member     Colorado, United States of America
Posts: 73

@jjandme Yes. I think when we don't have anyone to talk to about who we are, and know that it isn't wrong, but it's still not socially acceptable, in most cases, it get's very lonely. I am honestly, mostly, a hermit. I have very little need for social contact. One aspect of my life where I do feel lonely, though, is being able to talk about this part of me. Flip side of it, sometimes my partner wants to talk to me about it, and I want to shrink away, maybe out of fear of being judged. I'm very lucky, though, my partner and I, slowly but surely, work out these little things. I do know I needed to find my way here to talk about it without having to explain.

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Lady
(@lillie)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 209

@siobhann 

Siobhann, I am sorry you have to feel like a hermit.  Social contact is good for all of us. I am glad you are talking and there is no need to shrink away because of judgement. It just might be guilt, you are feeling, so let the discussion flow and talk and hug each other.

Lynne

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(@siobhann)
Joined: 11 months ago

Estimable Member     Colorado, United States of America
Posts: 73

@lillie no, don't feel sorry, hun, I don't feel like a hermit for being a girl, I just am very easily caught up in my own intellectual endeavors paired with living in a rural place. I'm happy, overall. I'm just finding it refreshing to talk with other ladies that already understand, and it's not a need to try to explain to a person that does not wear make up, or shave, or wear dresses, and objects to the notion, wonders why her butch man she married would rather. Totally understandable. What's hard is trying to explain why I feel I have to. Truth is I do not know why I feel so much closer to who I am in a dress, and shaved legs, and painted nails. So I can't explain it properly to someone that doesn't feel that way. I am a girl, I have felt it for so long. I do know I am more of a tomboy, I don't try to be sexy, though I am happy for anyone that does go further than I do. I like shedding my saw dust clothes in the mud room, cleaning up, dressing very casually, maybe light make up to feel better, earrings, just something to be comfortable with myself.

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Lady
(@lillie)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 209

@siobhann 

Siobhann, thank you for responding. I like the line her butch man she married would rather? Been there, she like the male mode, as my bare ass running to the bedroom, and she does not know what is going on. 

Again, thank you and if you need to talk, hit me up.

Wish you the best.

 

Lynne

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Posts: 2164
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

It is good you two are talking about, so just take your time. 

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1 Reply
Lady
(@lillie)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 209

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