Need Help with Tough Question

Your experience actually sounds pretty normal Kayla. It's very similar to mine actually, and I used to think I must be the only weirdo on the planet in this situation, until I went online and started connecting with the CD community and hearing other's stories. You're definitely in the right place too. The staff here at CDH do a great job at keeping this a safe place to talk about these things.

It's also good you have a therapist. That person is probably the best resource for you to talk about what you're experiencing. I also recently found this video, and it's helped me sort out my own thoughts a lot:

but yeah it's not weird at all the be confused about these things. This stuff is actually really complicated. Being turned on by cross dressing doesn't necessarily mean it's not still a valid part of who you are. Seems like we both had an interest in feminine things starting from before we even knew what sex was. (I can remember really wanting to be a Disney princess lol) Even though sexuality and gender identity are generally considered to be separate things, it also seems like they can become wrapped up in each other. I've been watching lots of the videos on that channel. Dr. Z has some very interesting theories about a lot of this stuff.

This is exactly my experience - as soon as I started going out fully femme, the experience lost the fetish angle (which I believe we acquire early on - after all, many items of women's clothing are designed to be exciting to men).

That transition was pretty quick for me - the transition from fetish to the externalisation of my inner feminine characteristics.

Of course, everyone's experiences are different, but the euphoria of realising and releasing the inner femme came on my first outing - a simple walk across the fields lasting about an hour, but feeling like 5 minutes.

That feeling is priceless - far better than any sexual rush - the feeling of beginning to realise who you are and how limitless your potential is.

I have scheduled outings, roughly once a month as a compromise with my wife, who doesn't accept, but the alternatives are unthinkable to both of us,  so here we are.

It's not enough, but it's something to be grateful for - my next outing is next week, and I can't wait!!!!

Try not to worry about what might be and make the very best of now, and plan for what you can.

Love Laura

I can tell you everything you're going through is quite normal.

I'm not going to try to speak for everyone here, but the sexual aspect of crossdressing is something I would say the vast majority of us have gone through. There's nothing wrong with you if you get excited over putting on lingerie.

There are so many different reasons for us to have gotten started and I think it evolves through life.

I started out with interests in just wanting to be like the girls. I saw how happy they were and how wearing pretty dresses got them so much attention.  I wasn't able to fulfill that desire but it's something that I have never gotten over.

Prior to puberty setting in I was stealing lingerie from my mother. I loved how it looked and how it felt. When puberty hit it became something totally different. It remained that way all through my teenage years.

When I met my wife and got married I thought it would all go away, I was wrong! What happened is my early childhood desires to be one of the girls came back. I had all the sex I needed in life with my wife and now my crossdressing grew into wanting to be totally feminized.

To make a long story short. My life has grown into more of a desire to be one of the girls much more so than the sexual releases I got from all the years I used it for that pleasure. I find it's still not uncommon for me to get sexually aroused when I start to dress and I'm putting on my lingerie. After I'm fully dressed and made up, that aspect of dressing leaves me. I can go out wearing a pretty dress and the silkiest of lingerie under it but all of stimulus of the lingerie leaves me. I just find myself enjoying looking and feeling like a girl.

I can only say, I understand your confusion and you should not let it bother you. I am just like you. I will never give up the sexual pleasure I get from wearing lingerie. When the urge to pleasure myself comes over me I will always put on lingerie and relieve myself. For the most part these days as I have matured I get greater pleasure from dressing and feminizing myself and feeling the freedom of expression I get from my crossdressing.

You don't have to stop enjoying it in any of the ways that gives you pleasure. Don't hesitate to spread your wings and take it to the next level. I can tell you it really is the most wonderful feeling to walk outside the door and feel free to express your inner self openly.

The question will always remain, Were we born with desires to be feminine or was it something we acquired as our life developed? We may never know the answer to that question and we should not care. Life as a crossdresser I see as a blessing.

Good luck to you and I truly hope you find where you fit in.

Its great that you have a therapist but you sound like a normal CD in your 20's. Confusion and a sexual aspect is all normal for us at that point. I think your emotions will evolve over time and our lifestyle will become much more than just putting on female clothes. Specific things (fetishes) about dressing will appeal to you all your life and thats just your own personal take on it. We all get excited over our own thing that clicked with us way back when and that doesn't seem to go away.

Well Kayla,
You've come to the right place. Welcome to your sisterhood. Most of us are older, some by a whole lot, than you, but we typically have similar stories and we love to support each other. It's likely that your fem side will ebb and flow as time goes by, but it probably won't go away. Most of us would not want it to. We like the fact that we have a strong feminine side. You will probably find you're the same. It's great that you're in therapy. I'm only just about to being that now and I'm 57, so you're way ahead of that game. You should be able to determine how much further you want to take your fem side, and if that goes all the way to transition, then it's good you'll be starting comparatively early. Either way, I wish you all the best and look forward to getting to know you.

Hugs,
Catherine

Hi Kayla nice seeing you and as for the Crossdressing aspects we all have these feelings to begin girly life with .. As for me growing up was put in charge of younger sister had to play with and keep her happy away from older brother and dad so femme traits were there but they grew with me all thru my young life till being married to a wonderful Supportive wife .. As for dressing time with her she say my pleasure and he he excitement from time to time but as we grew together she also had the idea that this was a sexual thing and from time to time even now it does.. But now she also sees that this is  being a girl thing and the bringing Stephanie around is just a release of stress and nothing to do with sex as it took a few times being dressed and not being a pleasure dress ha ha  that now she understands and is more at ease with Stephanie around  with her .. And i have been dressed at a very young age before feelings till now and ocassionaly i still get aroused so it will never go away but will slow down be happy girl and trust your therapist and just enjoy being a girl ha ha ..

Hugs  Stephanie Bass

Hi

Ohhh, I can relate.

It may feel like this, but it's likely to wean. What will happen is how to decide to develop from *this** point. That will determine your mindset ~ attitude ~ mental health / approach to this.

You're young, and that's awesome. The craziest experiences will come at this age. I'd advise being cautious. It can be an EXCEPTIONALLY seductive experience as a beautiful, ...and young cd. Danger can lurk.

Focus less on the mental health and let the answers come to you. You won't get anywhere by forcing anything. As a guide, I'd recommend focusing on a 'look' call that *part 1.

Anything you develop from there should occur quite organically; you may change after a while if you decide on a different 'style' but getting 'balanced' is your initial aim. The options are overwhelming, yes. I know this only too well.. but take your time with make-up, clothing choices, by doing this it'll lessen the strain of questioning any kind of 'mental-damage' you might confuse yourself as developing. This is only a 'reflex-reaction' from seeing the male-side fo you disappear underneath a new façade. 

Don't over-analyze yourself. And try not to victimize yourself by questioning your mental state, just allow yourself to discover this other spirit that wants to be revealed. Accepting it as another facet to your personality will make this confusion seem much shallower and truly make the experience of discovery more pleasurable and simplistic.

I hope it's advice that's of some use, at your age I was dancing a pole in underground fetish clubs, and very much involved with the underground 'scene' from Amsterdam to Germany... I know a thing or two. I also know the pitfalls, the drug-cravings and the losing-of-self.. I'm also speaking 'more from your generation' as I'm still under 40...

I hope this helps and I do wish you well..

x

My  desire to dress is as strong as ever but I am not aroused nearly as much as I once was. But the few times my wife has helped with my hair and jewelery and picked out clothes for me. I am still very much aroused and our shared desires after a night out have been wonderful . I don't think there is any shame in that. Initally when I started dressing  I felt like I was with the pretty woman I desired to be. Now with the passing of time I feel like I am that woman. Others get aroused over very vulger stimulus. You desires are quite innocent. Try not to over think it and go with what feels right to you.

As you say, Celeste, absolutely nothing wrong with having things that excite you, but, if that's the only driver, then again, you're right, it belongs to the bedroom, not as a general thing to share or force on people.

So figuring out this aspect, where it ends and where the femme experience starts is very useful.

In my experience, you need to live it to find out.

Love Laura

As the others have said, emphatically we welcome you. And we welcome your thought provoking questions!

I’ll add my slant here. First, BRAVO for working with your therapist. I tend to be fairly laser-focused in recommending that most work with a therapist skilled in gender dysphoria and all things gender spectrum related.

Let me begin by pointing out that I am transitioning. I’ve known since age 6 that I am a transgendered woman. So, I’ve had 6 decades (oh gosh, that makes me feel so OLD saying that) wrestling with this. Even as a practicing physician, I too am in therapy to assist in keeping my sunny side up!

When I counsel folks in my practice, I initially lay out what I refer to as the “3-F’s”: fantasy, fetish, or fulfillment. Where we are individually on that spectrum may ebb and flow over time, or it may be a progression over time, or a settling in one region of the spectrum. Who/what/where you are is simply you. It’s YOUR life, no one else’s. Yes we recognize that we are not alone in life, and the who/what/where usually involves many others near and dear to us. As we hear often, kids please don’t attempt this on your own!

Your post, in my humble opinion, is well thought and constructed. Your questions are clearly formulated. Another common adage is: if you never ask the questions, you’ll never come to answers. Again, BRAVO for asking yourself, and the world about you the questions.

If those about you support you, then they intrinsically understand that you are struggling with formulating answers. LET them support you! Recognize the tremendous resources they offer you in that support. Recognize how fortunate that you are that they do love you and support you.

Ok, so lots of words thus far and no answers from me! I’ll plagiarize a bit from my own therapist’s web site intro: “I will not solve your problems for you.” We get to do all the hard work our own selves! Your questions and struggles are so familiar to most of your sisters’ here. We’ve been there, done that… and are still doing that!

Please, please do not be discouraged. You wrote nothing abnormal or shameful. You have put to print a similar story that many of us live/have lived. That is one of the many reasons we will love you too, and support you too in your journey. It is a journey. Yours actually sounds pretty successful already. I am NOT sarcastic at all by saying, welcome to the journey. You’ll spend some time, and lots of energy, on this journey.

Again, and we will all shout it out to you: welcome, and we are here WITH you! And all are rooting for you!

Hugs,
Dee