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For months on this website, I have been harping on about how supportive my wife is, how we go out together and that everything is hunky dory; well guess what? It isn't.
OK, it's not as bad as the opening sentence might imply, but the following is a salutary lesson in how not to overdo things.
I started dressing last September, as most of you will know. I have moved from wearing skirts then, to full-blown women's outfits now, with all the trimmings—forms, nails, wig; you know the drill. My wife and I have been out shopping, to the theatre, to many different establishments to have lunch, etc.
We had a day out in the city on Monday and my wife got into a bit of a strop regarding how she thought that everything we did was about doing things for Becca, with me as Becca. Now previously, I thought this was ok and that things were going very smoothly, after all, we were going shopping for women's clothing and she was able to browse without male me rushing her on because I was bored. Seems this wasn't enough and she seemed to imply that if I wasn't out with her as Becca then I didn't want to go at all. Now this is probably true, but not something that has been much different for all the time we've been together (37 years), and yet all of a sudden, it's not acceptable anymore.
It's all left me a little confused and I'm not sure where I stand now. I can still dress as Becca, that's not a problem, we can still go out with me dressed, also fine. It's when this happens that is a bit woolly. Do I wait until I get permission? Do I tentatively suggest that I might dress and wait for her reaction? Neither option is very satisfactory for me.
I think for the present, until I know where I stand, I'll just make plans to go out as Becca when I want and she can come along, or not, as she sees fit.
Anyway, be aware that just because everything seems fine with your cross-dressing, it doesn't necessarily mean it is.
This will all blow over, there is nothing sinister or terminal about it, I just have to dial it back a bit; in truth, I probably have been getting a bit too keen for a bit too long. It's the same whenever I get a new 'thing', I always overdo it in the first couple of years or so until it settles down into an on-going, but not all-consuming matter.
Three years ago, I took up song-writing and guitar-playing but haven't touched a guitar or written a note in six months now. I have thousands tied up in photography equipment but haven't taken an arty picture in the last year; just snaps of my dog. They will come back, my interests will rise once more. Cross-dressing will do the same thing and fade away a bit, it just might be better if it happens sooner rather than later.
I might add that in any event, I shall still be here, still posting; you'll not get rid of me that easily, I'll just not be quite so cocky as to how wonderful my wife's relationship with Becca actually is.
Hugs
Becca
xx
@rebeccabaxter Thank You for sharing, Im sorry you had a rough day. Its Because of posts like this I constantly remind myself to do all that I can to let my wife know that she is still the #1 woman in my life and more so now that she has been so amazing in accepting all of me. Something I have been trying to keep at the top of my todo list is to make sure she gets a little pampering from the man she married as often as possible. Not sure if this is pertinent to your situation. I Hope all works out. Cheers RC
@river It may very well be pertinent. It's just that at the moment, any move to appear attentive and devoted would be totally out of character to the way we've been for most of our relationship and would be a sop to the present situation, an obvious bribe. It's the sort of thing I should do, but not immediately.
@rebeccabaxter well it sounds to me, your wife may now see 2 women in the house. She ain’t playin second string.
sounds like you better dedicate a few more days to wife.
@rebeccabaxter Becca, I have read about this phenomenon here before, so it is real but not unique.
To me, this is a communication problem. If you two can't talk openly about it, I would recommend listening very closely to what she says. If that isn't enough, would one or both of you consider talking things over with a relevant therapist?
@rebeccabaxter Thanks for sharing this. It shows how we can sometimes get tunnel vision and assume everything is alright, when in reality, it isn’t. It sounds like you have a proper plan in place and will work it out. I on the other hand, have never had to worry about my wife changing her mind about me crossdressing, she has never liked it or approved of it. Just last week she asked me if I was ever going to get rid of “those clothes”.
@ashleigh I s’pose you could come back with a funny line like “how about now - as I’ve been meaning to upgrade my wardrobe with nicer things!” Too soon though probably🤣
Fortunately there’s very few “couples hobbies”. I do mine and she does hers. They’re solos ventures for the most part. You just can’t neglect your “together as man and wife time”. Nor should you want to either, if you’re in the relationship you want to be in.
@beach-girl We have to be quick selecting the emote or else the system will choose a default one. Check each time to see that an appropriate one is selected.
@beach-girl Yes Dawn, I love the new emojis but they currently seem a bit flaky xx.
@rebeccabaxter My wife would tell her friends about things I had done and be proud of me for them. To me, they were just ordinary things that were no big deal but, to her that was not the case. I get the feeling that part of her persona was me and she wanted to "show me off" as it were.
Your wife married a man. If you only go out with her as Becca she may be missing a part of what makes her who she is.
Even when we present ourselves en femme, there is a whole body of experience that we missed growing up male.
Tia
@rebeccabaxter I start by saying only you know the situation, we even as close , supportive sisters can’t know everything involved in your relationship. As for me, I think perhaps your outings , etc have been about Becca. Perhaps outings as your male self with her are in order to balance. From what I know, usually some event pushes the needle of rejection. If accommodation is not on the horizon, I recommend a therapist, one that she and you are comfortable with, preferably a female. Mine has done wonders .
@missylinda I just need to back off a bit with Becca and it'll sort itself out, things usually do after a day or so. Since cross-dressing is more of a hobby for me than anything compulsive, I see little use for a therapist since I could just stop; I don't want to, but I could.
My cross-dressing is no more a problem than someone playing too much golf (fortunately, a hobby I do not have), but when I get into something, I get into it BIG, I learn about it, experience it, live it, almost to the exclusion of everything else (this could well be the problem here)...then it fades somewhat and it becomes just another hobby that I do every now and again. Admittedly, cross-dressing seems to have gone on rather longer than everything else and shows no sign of going away, but you get the gist.
It's like if I get a medical problem. I live it. I research it, looking at symptoms, prognoses, treatments, effects, everything. I get out the Grey's Anatomy, print out diagrams and by the time I get to my first consultant appointment, I'm in a position to understand anything they say. There isn't much I don't know about cardio-vascular disease, umbilical hernias and enlarged prostates. 
Becca
@rebeccabaxter You are eons intelligence ahead of me. I tend to be simplistic with issues.
@rebeccabaxter next time the opportunity to go out arises, how about asking her “what would you like to do?”
@rebeccabaxter Becca, it's ironic that I very recently commented on a post something to the effect that you would never have any problems. I'm sorry to hear of this setback in your journey. I have zilch experience in these things as you'll know that my wife has zero knowledge of Chrissie. All I can repeat is the advice I read here regularly, which is that open dialogue is the key. I hope so much that you manage to find a satisfactory balance. And please continue to entertain us with your whimsical posts.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
I’ve been here a while now Becca, and while I have no direct experience with what has happened to you, I’ve seen it happen over and over again to girls I know. I think that wives just want to set limits. So I’d suggest that you sit down with her and let her know that you care about her more than anything else, but you still have a strong never ending desire to dress as a woman and you want her to help you work through it to set up limits that work for both of you.
I don’t think that you should do what you want and hope for the best, I just think it will get worse. I think she wants her husband back more often than she wants Becca. So hopefully you both can work something out.
@jennconn It is fortunate that my wife still works and I am retired. This means that I can dress and go out while she's at work and this would be quite acceptable to her, but while that is ok, it's not the same as having someone to go out with (perhaps that's what SHE feels like when I am Becca and she wants male me).
I know we can still go out together occasionally with me dressed, but it would be easier if I didn't have to work out when that was acceptable and when it wasn't. For now, it is more convenient to just dress and go out when I'm on my own but not when we are together, as that seems to make the best compromise; that way, it is basically leaving the ball in her court, I get to dress and she gets Becca or male me as she sees fit at the time. It's not ideal, but for now, it'll have to do.
Becca
@rebeccabaxter Sounds like you still have a pretty good deal in your situation Becca. Me, I would take going out together with her totally off the table since it was the catalyst for all this. She’d have to suggest it or the subject wouldn’t come up again. Just reassure her she was right - you went overboard and now you’re going to dial it back a bit. Go out on your own or find some fellow sisters to hang out with. England seems to have one or two…LOL! Your wife would probably be grateful if you did as it would take some anxiety off of her.
Hi Becca,
i noticed that you just posted this article and a s I was reading I felt your “frustration” at your wife’s reaction to Becca. I believe we here at CDH offer a sounding board of friendship and support. Unfortunately, I am not one to offer advice. My wife (50) years is processing my CD revelation… our compromise is “Don’t ask Don’t tell… and prefers I dress when she is not home. How I wish Leonara could shop and/or dine with her. You are not alone with your frustration. A CDH sister has experienced the same frustration from a spouse who previously accepted and now has a negative opinion.
Again thank Becca for sharing and I offer Friendship and support…
xo Leonara 🌹
@leonara Thanks Leonara. Perhaps she never really accepted Becca but was just being 'nice' and now it's just too much; at this point in time, I can't know for sure, but time will tell.
It's not the end of the world, there's no divorce coming, it's just yet another speed bump in life's rocky road.
With surgery coming up two days after Christmas this can't be something to lose sleep over right now; there are bigger things to fret about. I've also been on Finasteride pills for the last six months and you never know, when I've had the operation and can stop taking them, my desire to dress might well fade somewhat; I'll also have fewer prostate hormones too, so that might change things as well (of course, that might also make things worse); we'll see.
Becca
@rebeccabaxter She may have been just “being nice” - and as Becca kept on escalating, something you did jumped the shark and she couldn’t stand it anymore.
As you say, you have bigger worries than women’s clothes right now (as do most of us) and maybe thats a good distraction for all this to let the tea leaves settle a bit.
So Sorry to hear Dawn, I didn’t know about your “frustration”..I wish you the best
Becca, Thanks for sharing this story. In particular, the following statement struck home for me: "Anyway, be aware that just because everything seems fine with your cross-dressing, it doesn't necessarily mean it is." In my experience this is so true for many spouses (mine included). I came out to my wife as CD about 4 years ago. It has been a halting roller coaster of a journey for us as I think we have reached a new stage of acceptance, only to find that I have pushed the envelope a bit too far and have to step back. over time though I find that it has been more of two steps forward, one step back rather than than the opposite, so there has been marked progress over time. You are much farther along in that journey than I. Rather than retreat from what seems like a conflict, we talk it out so that I understand her discomfort. I suspect that your spouse wants you to be who you are (and be happy), while at the same time probably misses the "old you". I think that her adjustment to the new you may still take more time. I have yet to be fully dressed in front of my wife, and not sure that will ever happen. You should know that the progress you have made is somewhat remarkable.
Hugs
Evie
@3s3eve Thank you Evie, I hope you are right.
The galling thing is that I thought I had everything. It's like thinking you have all the right lottery numbers then finding you got one digit wrong, and instead of the Ferrari you always wanted, you have enough for a second-hand Mazda. Yes, it's still a car, but not the one you thought you had.
Ah well, so close.
Becca
@rebeccabaxter Ah, this one makes me laugh dear Becca! How many times have we men folk thought we had them all figured out, everything’s going fine and we come home one night to hear something like this: “Do you know what you did?”
For us, the answer is usually something like this: “Uh, no, I thought everything was going great!”
It always is. Until it isn’t.
Now you get to ponder what was it that sent her over the edge. Maybe a combination of things. You’ll get it sorted. You’re smarter than the average bear, girl.🥰
You are not alone!
I practically live as Cerys. My wife is perfectly fine about it..... But ...
I get comments like I'll only ever walk the dog with her if I'm in girl mode. Male mode me never wants you walk the dog either with her or without her. isn't true.
I get comments that I only ever want to go anywhere when I'm in girl mode. Again, not true, in fact in recent weeks. I've got changed out of girl mode to go places with her.
As for hobbies...
I have a very nicely equipped ham radio shack and a decent antenna system. I can't remember the last time I fired up a radio at home. I am going to travel to near London to buy another radio on Friday. This one will go straight into my "museum" my collection of older ham radios and receivers.
Like you, thousands of pounds of camera kit. A lot of it classic 35mm or 120 cameras. A few half decent digital machines too. My studio stuff has not been out on at least three years.
Astronomy... I have 4 nice telescopes. They haven't seen starlight for a looooooong time.
Cerys is my main hobby. I still have the interest in all my other hobbies, but I don't make the time for them.
I guess crossdressing does tend to take over when you are given free rein 🙂
Before I was so free to be Cerys, I guess my hobbies distracted me from wanting to dress more.
Cerys
@dazzler The thing is, I don't really dress all that much; as a percentage, I don't suppose it accounts for more than 5% of my time, possibly less, in full Becca mode—makeup, wig, etc. It's not like I want to go everywhere, all the time, dressed as a woman. I usually wear a skirt in the evenings, but that's because it's comfortable and I don't think it counts as cross-dressing, it might as well be PJs or a dressing gown. So unless I'm going out somewhere, I'm hardly ever fully dressed up. It's just that when I do go out, I want to go out as Becca and that's possibly what's pissing her off. She wants to go out with male me but male me has never really wanted to travel anywhere—I'm a home-loving boy really. With Becca, she gets all the going out she can handle, with male me, not so much. I can't win really.
Becca
So unless I'm going out somewhere, I'm hardly ever fully dressed up. It's just that when I do go out, I want to go out as Becca and that's possibly what's pissing her off. She wants to go out with male me but male me has never really wanted to travel anywhere—I'm a home-loving boy really. With Becca, she gets all the going out she can handle, with male me, not so much. I can't win really.
Not to put too fine of a point on this, but...
What if you compromised? Is your style of crossdressing interfering with both of your, let's say, happiness?
What if you saved the en femme dressing more for at home and you dressed more androgynously in public? You are still dressed in women's fashions in public, but it just isn't as blatant to your wife, plus you can still be actively crossdressing in public. You may not get quite as much of a rush out of it in public, but you keep the peace on the homefront.
@rebeccabaxter I have been reading through this thread and I've been thinking the same as @harriette. I imagine your wife sees her acceptance of you as Becca as a big personal compromise for her. She is giving up a lot to be accommodating and probably feels that you are not really reciprocating, what is in it for her? When does she get to put on her glad rags and be on the arm of the man she married and of whom she is probably keen to be seen out and about with. You in male mode is her Ferrari, you in Becca mode is her Mazda.
I can't win really.
Compared to most of us you have "won" by a long way. Compromise means doing things you don't want to do, we all have to chose and it seems to me taking her out with you as a guy is a small price to pay for what you have.
Becca, I can empathise with your conundrum albeit not as far shopping or going out. Four years ago I had my wife’s acceptance to dress openly. In those short years we have three major bumps in the journey. Two have been I hate you dressing and one where I was just not happy in dressing in front of her. The first two turned out to be her insecurities and conversation and understanding paved the way to me dressing again. The last was myself accepting Katie will always exist. The one lesson I learnt that I’d started to resent not being able to dress and that caused some ripples in our relationship (38 years). So having just retired we spoke again about dressing acceptance and boundaries. Katie is now welcome at anytime with two provisos one being 50% of Katie / hubby and do not let anyone see Katie (nosey neighbours). Having been through a number of yo-yo scenarios I am constantly aware that this may change at anytime but strive to keep the equilibrium because resentment will just cause more heartache in the long term. An open airing is probably in order to listen to her concerns, fears etc before discussing a compromise. The two penny worth. Katie.
@katiep It sounds like you have great communication with your spouse Katie and that is the whole key right there.
Becca -
Thank you for your post, I'm sorry to hear you are having this issue.
I don't go out of the house dressed, however, on occasion have worn female ankle boots with knee high stockings out of the house letting my wife know and her being okay with it.
While my situation isn't the same as yours there is similarity. There are times that Suzanne overtakes my life and all I want to do is be her. My wife on the other hand wants her husband, the man she married. I understand that and spend most of my time in drab though on occasion I do underdress in panties. I spend my mornings dressed but change before my wife wakes up. There are times that she will invite Suzanne to spend the day which are lovely - we actually bought dresses for each other to wear on Christmas Day.
For me I find that it is easier to let her "drive the train" for the most part and ask if something is okay if I want to dress more openly. Compromise is the key for each to be happy when it comes to dressing.
I hope things work out for you.
XOXO
Suzanne
Being among women with my work and new friends since retirement I have been able to listen, learn and interact with them getting an insight into how they talk, what they talk about and see their perspective.
They talk about their partners and a common thing comes up, 'They think more of their ------- than they do me'. That is about a hobby, mates and commonly the car. The time spent away from home, locked in the shed or garage. Some will will give the resigned sigh and say, 'Well it makes him happy' but it seems an accepted part of a marriage but they can site other things that are okay such as the odd bunch of flowers ( Romantic), An occasional meal out (Nice), a great holiday to the ladies chosen destination (Yaaay), a good father( Respect) and finally for the younger, Good in the bedroom ( Woo Woo).
Yes it hacks them off at times and they say their man doesn't understand why what they have been doing for years suddenly becomes annoying. It's a part of the tapestry and unless it really is a issue they still love their men but like to keep them on edge.
Relationships have their bumps Becca but you seem to have navigated it well and in reality this is normal. You are lucky to have a wonderful woman in your life.
@ab123 Oh they definitely do enjoy keeping us on edge Angela. I told my second wife once that I figured out I was #4 in the pecking order of her life. #1 was her sister, #2 was her niece and #3 was her cocker spaniel. She pondered this and then agreed. It’s one of the reasons I’m now on wife number 3🤓
To actually be told I rated lower than the dog. It still amazes me to this day that she admitted it. I guess we at least had honesty in our relationship 🤣
@gracepal In the unlikely event my wife and I agreed on nothing else, we would agree that the dog is number 1 here. We are her servants, her wish is our command. Up until last April, we had two of them, they were both above us in pecking order. 
@rebeccabaxter A canine will never turn down an opportunity to go with you when you’re dressed 🤣
Leave it to you Becca…this will be the most responded to post of the day I’m betting girlfriend!🥰 I’m happy you posted this topic as I see it as a good cautionary reminder for some of us with “supportive spouses”. Never forget what got you to the dance.
Question: Is it all about you then? From your post it sure sounds like it. Cathy and Harriette nailed it in their responses, maybe YOU need to compromise a bit more. At least lighten up! We all want to be “true to the cause”, but not to where it’s causing problems in our lives. At least I sure would not.
Put yourself in your wife’s shoes here. She’s made a big compromise of basically total acceptance of you and your recently new hobby. You guys are older. Maybe she’s thinking: “Where’s the guy I married? The manly one? Am I never going to see him again? Ever? Go places with him ever again?” When we get older we start thinking of the importance of time and things that we’re doing and how much longer we’ll be able to do them. Maybe that’s why she seems to be getting p/o’d a bit. She’s not retired yet, but when and if she does I’m sure she never imagined the scenario that she sees right now.
I married a pretty, very feminine wife. If she wanted to suddenly start dressing and appearing more manly, it would be challenging. For any husband. Especially if she went from zero to sixty in a short time with it. There would be thoughts of: “Where’s the little cutie I fell in love with and married?” After a period of time of this changing of her appearance to more and more male - I’d certainly think: “How long do I have to put up with this other guy?” It’s an extreme comparison, but flip it around and you have what she’s dealing with right now.
I see the ball being in your court here. Leave Becca in the house for awhile. Put on your manly attire and take her some places you used to go on “date nights” as a man and a woman, not two women. It seems to me you just went over the edge a bit. Now you need to shift down and correct your course. Slow it down.
Appreciate the post. As Grace has been going full speed ahead with an encouraging spouse, this topic is a timely “Yield” sign, not to be taken lightly.
GP
@gracepal Grace, as always, your replies are incisive and relevant. I thank you, and all the ladies who have replied to my somewhat self-indulgent ramble.
I have compromised in many things, but sometimes it is not enough and no matter what I do or say, she's going to have a go. This used to be a common occurrence, mostly brought about by a surfeit of German white wine, drunk too quickly (not by me), and I've navigated these outbursts over the years by being taciturn and patient and waiting until the morning when everything is suddenly all right again; yesterday's rant seems to have followed the same pattern, but without the wine.
We've had a talk today and Becca is not dead, however, she has been advised that trying to go out locally just can't happen and that sometimes we should go out as man and woman. We have yet to set in stone when that should/doesn't have to, be; I think that's a discussion to be had at the time. It's difficult for me as I just hate having to get 'permission' for anything, I'm not anyone's lacky.
For now, we are ok again.
I have been, as Grace puts it, going full speed ahead, but have now applied the brakes, or at least taken my foot off the accelerator. As has been said—too much, too fast. I suppose I just didn't notice as it all seemed so easy and natural to me. Well, I've noticed now and hopefully, things will proceed at a more leisurely pace.
I think I will go out more on my own, on the days when she is working. This isn't hiding it, it's just that she can't be there so it isn't going to bother her; I really don't think she's worried about me going out dressed, although at first I think she thought I was going to get stared at and beaten up the second I set foot out of the car.
A peace has been achieved and there are on-going talks to be had, but all in good time.
Again, I thank you ladies for your sage advice, another of life's lessons has been learned: Don't assume.
Becca
