Okay. So why now then?

Great question Stevie.  I ask myself “why now?” probably more than I ask myself “why do you do this?”.  The answer is definitely all of those things you mentioned. For me specifically; empty nest, retirement, more self assured as an older matron. Add the affirmation from my incredibly understanding wife, whose support I should never, ever have underestimated, and I think you have the answer.

Best,

Clara

You waited so long because, 30-years ago, things were very different.

I suspect that 'masquerade' laws were likely in effect. You could lose employment, family even your life. You could be arrested, publicly shamed in the newspapers, thrown into prison while still 'dressed', brutalized by homophobic police, etc., etc. and there was nothing you could do because it was all legal. There was 'avoidance therapy' (electroshock) dismissal from religious institutions, gay-bashing, and there was nothing you could do because it was legal, you had no rights and organized resistance was limited.

Anyone under 30-years-of-age (never trust anyone under 30) would not know this as Internet History really does not fully cover that ancient period.

Also less obligations, open relationships, modified attitudes and changing opportunities may have made you feel more confident and have limited the possibility of negative consequences. Maturity, increased independence and knowledge prepared you for any remnant negativity that you might encounter.

Basically, it is getting better just so incrementally that sometimes we do not notice just how much better.

Araminta.

For me, years of being expected to be alpha male in the job and most personal friendships meant that not only was it risky to reveal (still is) but dressing was also a private way of shedding stresses of what society required of me and even rebelling a bit.

All too true Vecca, like myself.  The life we are forced to live in the harder times.  But even 10 years ago things should have been easy enough that I regret the delay.

You are right.  Things do get incrementally better.  Then I hear all these lucky girls who transitioned 10 or 20 years ago.  I envy them.  🙂

Hi Clara.  That's just it, isn't it?  Lifestyle work is done and u can finally treat myself to .... me.  Raised a family, retired, a better attitude of life, we allow ourselves to be "us".  Sad it takes so long though.

Stevie

Legally things were changed 10 years ago, but people’s minds and attitudes don’t change that fast.

I wish I had known more over 50-years ago, but I try not to let the bitterness of regrets tarnish my severely limited present experiences. I just hope that a better understanding of male wanting to be feminine will help others

That is why I get so worked up about terminology; because I believe it is inaccurate, misleading, based on false premises and erroneous interpretations leading to gross misunderstandings and therefore those inaccuracies are harmful. Like the question on passing.

It is true that some males need to be a 'female' as possible to the point where they are permanently and legally designated as such. (Sort of like 'corporation' is a legal, technical term for a 'person' for contracts, insurance, and other business dealings but a 'corporation' cannot vote.)

However, most people do not recognize that wanting to be pretty and feminine does not necessarily incorporate that need. They still believe that gender and sex are the same thing (and this belief is affecting the effectiveness of positive legislation (i.e., a clear and precise definition of gender identity rather than a nebulous, undetermined concept) and permitting the adoption of some really revolting legislation) and they cannot recognize that a male can be a woman in every respect except in matters of reproduction.

Phrases like 'opposite genders' make me cringe. The genders are not opposites any more than science fiction is the opposite of westerns in genres (French for gender by the way) in cinema. They are just different styles of behavourial patterns.

But even worse, they mean 'gender' to mean 'sex' (male-female) and the belief that the sexes (reproductive sections of a species) are 'opposites' is demeaning, conducive to promoting conflict (the so-called 'War of the Sexes'), promotes othering and is simply sexist. The sexes are a co-operative binary essential the survival of the species. There is no 'opposite' involved.

Araminta.

Very good question !

When I first met my then g/f (now wife), I wanted to tell her about Wendy.  But of course I didn't want to scare her off right off the bat by bringing my femme self.  So I waited abit.  Then we got to discussing dating history, and she said that her last b/f was a CDer, and because of old age my memory isn't what it used to be, I do remember her saying something like "I would never date another CDer".

Well, that put me in a tough conundrum.  Here I am, a CDer, and she just said she would never date another CDer.  So I kept my mouth shut.

After dealing with medical issues and now stabilized, I could not hold Wendy back much longer, so I waited about 10+ years to come out.  She did ask me why I didn't say so sooner, but I mumbled something and she just let it go.

Stevie;

Fantastic post and question!.

Simple facts are along the lines of:

• Learnt early that it was unacceptable (about 5 with school)
• Learnt that I need to suppress anything feminine to avoid bullying and ridicule
• Suppressed it by telling myself it was a kink (Teenager and adult life)
• Got busy with wife, career and family and 'let it out' occasionally (but squashed it as much as possible)
• Realized it wasn't a kink, but part of a deeper story, and that's when I came out to my wife.... Suddenly too many things made sense to us, and we're still trying to deal with it.

"Why?" is harder, but it's there.    The signs have always been there and I really don't know what to make of it all.    I'm a poster child for it can't be ignored and it's going to come back stronger.
I think that in my case it was pure stubbornness and a pure large dose of fear that stopped me from admitting to myself and others how I felt about wanting to be pretty (not handsome) and comfortable.

Times were very different 50 years ago, and I was already behind the eight ball by being the smallest of my age, so I had a lot of examples of why appearing/behaving feminine was bad, and I carried these into my Adulthood, never asking if my understanding was correct.  Spent a lot of unhappy and angry years before I found a reason I'd accept.   The family blamed prescription drugs I was on as it was a known side effect and I never questioned if that was or was not the reason.  Now I'm not so sure that the drugs were the reason, and I never asked myself "how I had a kink at 5" for all those intervening years.......

Why now? "I just want to be at peace with myself, my wife, and daughters."   That may never be, but we're trying.  I'm not going to make them miserable by wandering around in a funk all the time, because I know it makes them worried and sad when I'm sad, and I'm too aware now to be able to suppress without being incredibly sad.

- Molly

Hi Stevie,

I have wondered if some of it has to do with the internet and sites like this. Plus there are blogs by trans people.

Eva

I was an early starter and first dressed in my infant years, 6-9 yr old, however others I know had never even considered dressing till their mid 30’s or later, then going from 'zero to full time hero' in less than a year.

I have supported a lot of people who wished to transition,  some early birds like me, others late bloomers; the late bloomers often mention the need to dress and progress was like an 'alarm  bell' going off in their life and there was no way that they could ignore it.

When the ‘bell' goes, they found it drowned out all other logical thoughts and the only thing was to progress and transition at all costs, often losing family, friends, job and security. The only thing that mattered was the ‘bell’.

Maybe for early birds like me, I had time to become aware of my compulsion and taper it to suit my lifestyle as it was always there. However my ‘bell' would ring louder when I had a period of not being able to dress and the compulsion increased to block other aspects of my life.

Just my musings !

Dawn x

Timing regret is going to happen to most of us, one way or another.  After high school, I moved away from my hometown, only an hour drive, but it was far enough and big enough that I really never ran into people I had grown up around that really cared to recognize me if they saw me.  I came out publicly then, but only in the circles that I partied in and associated with.  They knew I me as a gay CD.

When I moved back home after my mother passed, it was only a couple of months before my sister found out my secret.  She had guessed several years before that I liked the company of men, it was no big deal to her.  Finding her long missed younger sister was the big shock, to us both.  Neither of us was really prepared for that revelation, but it was such a real non-event after it was all over with that day.

It was '92, and I was 31 years old.  Not old, but not in my youth either.  Once it happened, I  questioned why I didn't tell people sooner.  Sis asked me the same thing several times now when we sit and talk about it.  Some of the people in town that have learned about me have also asked.

My biggest regret was not telling my mom about her 2d daughter, and my sis thinks she would have been more than okay knowing about me, and she would have loved having a younger sister in our teen years.

I don't think it matters a great deal whether you have a tough time getting through your debut or if you are accepted well by most people.  I have talked with a few sisters that came out in their early 20's, and even two that were out as teenagers.  Almost to a person, they have some regrets of not being able to come out earlier, for one reason or another.

To some of us older girls, it looks so much easier for girls to take that leap than it did for us, now matter how long ago we did it.  But, no matter how we all see it, coming out even today, can be downright terrifying to most girls, and if we are able, they need to see and know that we support them, and can be here to help them get over that obstacle.

PaulaF

Plumb, darling... you have it the proverbial nutshell!

For me it was a series of accidents and head trauma that have changed my brain’s plasticity! In dealing with head/brain trauma especially where a bleed has occurred one must establish new neural pathways around the damaged area in order to continue functioning.

My series of traumas meant that in doing so I had to say “goodbye” to many of my male traits that made Brian possible. Now Polly, my female anima was waiting in the wings so to speak to take up the reins and to drive forward as she used different neural pathways and systems to function fully!
This is not to say that all of the skill sets Brian had developed were lost... Polly was able to take up where Brian couldn’t. My wife said that Brian died three years ago and Polly emerged maybe two years since.
Would I have continued being Brian, the alpha male, in perpetuity had brain injuries not forced me to reevaluate? Most certainly... I was an alpha male by all and every account! l say “Hallelujah”!

Ooppps... sorry, back. To you Plumb

As a PS maybe a good read is “A ghost in my Brain” by Clarke Elliott

Plastic Polly... sounds like Plastic Bertrand of the 80s 💋💋💋