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It's me that's wondering. I've been on this site for quite a few months now and have posted many subjects and replied to many things, including new joiners; it is this last point that confuses me sometimes. I know joining a site devoted to our particular proclivities must be quite daunting, but you'd think that once that first post is in, the dam would be broken and more activity would be forthcoming; it seems to be that this is often not the case.
Recently, I've noticed that there have been a lot of initial posts, usually of just a couple of lines, from people supposedly wanting to join with us. These posts get many encouraging replies from the girls here and yet...nothing. The OP has only one post, never to be seen again. Have they got cold feet, have they changed their mind, or, more concerning, is someone phishing?
Sometimes, I imagine someone sitting at home posting a "Hi, new here" message then suddenly turning off their computer and running away, never to be heard from again.
I just wonder what they are thinking.
Becca
I just wonder what they are thinking.
I quickly noticed the same thing and I have thought about why it happens, too. Dunno.
I try to respond to as many new members as I can, but I am not going to burn out over so many just disappearing. I try to make my response relevant to the person, to what they tell us about themselves, but, ultimately, the rest is up to them.
At the risk of being too psychological I think I can see a thought process.at work. There's a certain thrill of release in signing up, followed by a equally strong emotion of "oh s***, what have I just done!". Closeted cd-ers are nor necessarily as confident as they are in other aspects of their lives.
So all praise to the meeters and greeters here who work their backsides off to help allay newcomers concerns.
@rebeccabaxter I f0und the same thing to be true with new members. When I first joined the sight, I was a little shy about opening up to other people. I have been very guarded but apart from that life often interferes with social activities. For someone new who hasn't formed a close bond with anyone else here may not have this as a high priority.
Thanks for posting this, Becca.
I've seen this too and I'm not surprised that some join, post an intro and are not seen again...on the forums. That doesn't necessarily mean that they've left, I've also noticed that some members post an intro or reply quite some time after joining.
There are some 40,000 members worldwide but we see a small fraction posting regularly. I think, for some, it's enough to become a member and just observe, they'll still get some feeling of community.
If anything rankles with me at all, it's writing a welcome to a new member, just to see, within hours, the "anonymous" tag instead of their name. That's always going to happen though and it won't stop me welcoming every new member and enthusing about this community.
Thanks again!
Allie x
I experienced more of a technical issue when I first posted a profile picture.
Doing things on the small screen of a phone has its challenges. My fingers kept sending me back to the read and acept section. I found out by enlarging the page (the 2 fingers spread) I hit the right box to upload my photo.
Being technically challenged here doesn't help.
The Pink Fog has!
Fran 🥰
Hi Becca,
I think I am one of the culprits 😕 . I joined about 4 or 5 years ago; I think I must have seen the site mentioned or recommended somewhere else, so I signed up. However that was during a protracted period when I was not actually crossdressing so I didn't engage with the site much at all. Perhaps I just looked in occasionally, though I don't really recall.
However, all that changed a little under 2 years ago. "Coming out" to my wife and being able to start crossdressing more and more often gave me a much deeper interest in sharing with others, so my engagement with the site took on a whole new life.
I have no idea whether this reason for inactivity applies to any other members; it is just my story.
Rebecca x
@rebeccabaxter I believe that fear is a significant factor. Either fear of somehow outing themselves through site interactions or fear of facing who they really are as a CD or even transperson. In my case, CDH has helped me open up about who I am and while I find it daunting, it is also very liberating.
@rebeccabaxter I hear you on these points. I’ll get a friend request from someone , message them to get to know them more and no reply. Makes me wonder at times. I do enjoy it here but would love to chat with more lady’s more often. I find it helps to chat with other cds about our journey and things. I know we are all at did places in our journey but why ask questions yet never reply.
I've wondered about that too.
I even commented on a photo posted on the photo pages. To my surprise have it disappear. Never to be seen again!
Fear is a troublesome motivator. It either stops us cold or makes us run for the hills!
It certainly doesn't help that we're our own worst critic. Needless worry helps nobody.
I can't tell you how many times I felt sick to my stomach applying lipstick or anything girly for the first time! Like that sick guilty feeling that makes some of us purge or beautiful stock of girly goodies.
But the fem side still returns and over we start. I learned to let Fran be Fran when ever I can! Her desires help me push the confort levels out and be my true self.
It really helped coming here to CDH and then going to my first ever event in Atlanta this year. Meeting some of our great girls on here and others like us in the flesh! Truly awesome!
I certainly plan on attending Keystone next March. It's fun to be enfem for a few days and be with girls like us!
If the deeply closeted girls could attend a event like that. I think they would blossom into their true girl selfs.
Fran 🥰
@rebeccabaxter My own first thoughts were that it took several looks, form filling, deleting the form, redoing it etc before I signed up. My first post was nerve-wracking and having done it I thought "what have I done?"
I wonder if others do that then don't see the replies?
I'm glad I did make a 2nd visit and saw the wonderful welcomes which convinced me I'd come to the right place.
Anna xx
I'm somewhat guilty of this. I think for me, and maybe for others, it's sort of a dipping the toe kind of thing. And also, trying to figure out the technical aspects of how the actual site and forums work and stuff.
I don't think it has anything to do with the community, as everyone has been very welcoming and everything, but it's sort of like there's two mental hurdles: 1, going from viewing to joining, then 2, going from joining to becoming a regular.
I'll spend some time researching say a new restaurant, and I'll go there if it looks good. Then after I try it, if it tastes good, I'll keep it in the back of my mind, but it doesn't immediately join the "rotation" of the normal places I think of when I'm hungry for something.
Becca, that's an interesting question. You will have noticed I really like posting, welcoming new members. Partially that's because I was pretty scared when I first joined and I was grateful for any positive responses. And partially because as you all know I have no real opportunities to dress and I'm trying to stay relevant. Yes, a bit selfish.
My criteria when I see a post from a new member is, if it's a one-liner with no back story, I don't usually bother. If a girl has had the courage to share something about themselves then I'll happily respond. Such is human nature. No doubt some are looking for something a bit saucy, and when they find we're a lot more classy than that they realise they're not going to find what they're looking for xx.
For me, posting a hello was maybe the first thing I did and only filled in my profile over the next few days. Still finding my way around but am really enjoying my time here.
Becca, I appreciate your posts and your recent advice for me. I am going to post my update for everyone to see. 😁
I'm still new here so I can't speak for anybody else but I'm enjoying my time here with you wonderful ladies. It feels great to be accepted as my true self. 😘
Becca you are certainly the “Topic Starter Temptress” here on CDG girl! I read your starter posts and always think…well now I wanna say something about that. Mission accomplished as always🥰
I recently discovered the “New Members” section myself and when you go there to see who’s joined lately, many are no profile pics and very few words profile. So as someone in a previous post alluded to - toe dippers. Why not, it’s free to join right?
To be committed you have to spend a little cash, which I think is a good thing. And you also need to fill out a complete profile with the ability to form sentences in your answers. That’s really key for me personally. Next up is pics. They don’t have to be public. But something. A picture is worth a thousand words when trying to evaluate whether you have anything in common with them…their makeup, hair, style of wardrobe. We’re all checking out the competition on here, aren’t we ladies?🥰 And not for the very least reason of which is to find ways of improving our look. There are some real role models on CDH who present as very realistic women in their attention to detail. (Talking about you here Becca 😉). For me, that does not go unnoticed. And if I like it and can copy it, I will😍!
The main thing I try to remember with any club or group is that members will always ebb and flow in their interest and participation levels. Especially with a niche group such as CDH. So many other things can affect one’s membership in something like this. More than I can think of.
Chrissie alluded to some people bailing from here upon finding CDH is not as “saucy” as they like…(those Brits with their perfect words!” I do agree with that. It’s not lost on me - the fact that the vast majority of members in this “Secret Society of Girls” as I like to call it, are in fact men. And don’t all of us know what they’re after?😜 CDH is the poster child for running a clean, yes, wholesome site for this sisterhood and it’s SO refreshing to have found it. Even better that it’s so well policed.
Another thing I realize is that many of the “active participants” here are retired or somewhat close to it. You have to have time to get real involved on CDH. Look at this post I’m writing…it takes time. It’s a lot easier to just hit the thumbs up button…yeah, I like it! Something I would have done if I was still in the daily grind of going to work, dealing with family matters and only able to “pop in and out” on the site now and then. Living vicariously. But for me now, retirement is the time when you have the time for your favorite hobbies. I feel lucky to be a crossdresser who’s finally come to embrace it and found such a great supporting group of fellow travelers in my journey.
GP
@gracepal Thank you for the kind words Grace, one does one's best to look acceptable--and I do like a good subject for discussion, hence the many topics.
I have seen at times, people whose first post is somewhat 'near the knuckle' and it is obvious that they have turned up here thinking it's some sort of hook-up site. Indeed, I have seen a couple of other sites where this site is actually labelled as a good place to find contacts for, well, 'other' things than conversation. I suspect that some of the one-post-wonders, as you say, are here for the sex and leave disappointed.
I think I just wish that single posters would hang around long enough to thank the welcomers for their interest, even if it's only to say goodbye, and thanks for all the fish (Douglas Adams quote); I think it is just polite to acknowledge supportive comments in any environment.
At this point, I must say that I do start a lot of topics and if I don't manage to acknowledge someone's reply it's not me being rude or dismissive, it's just that some replies get lost in the long list I sometimes have. I'm on here probably between six and ten times a day but I still miss things.
Becca
@rebeccabaxter If single posters who say very little don’t hang around long enough to thank their welcomers - then it tells you all you need to know about them.
And I hear you on missing things. The more popular one gets on CDH, the easier it is to do. We’re all mainly just internet pen-pals. I try to always operate on the theory of “We don’t really know one another so why would anyone take anything personally?”
It’s easy to be distracted today and forget things. Usually it’s not on purpose. “Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most”.
GP
@gracepal I love your theory! I wish everyone would look at things that way. I knew a quire a few ladies who left CDH in a huff because they didn't.
@gracepal Thanks you for that response; I do agree with what you say. When I was working I would never have found the time to get as engaged with the site as I do now. Retirement has many benefits and, for us girls, being able to take a deep dive into CDH and to have the time to help others swim here is pretty high on the list 😀 .
Rebecca x
Uh-oh. I find myself compelled to enter my opinion here and this is something I thought I could prevent myself from doing upon this re-entry into a more active presence here. I joined back in July due to the fact that I am a crossdresser (duh - I know, why else would I be here?) that is also passionate about certain music. The reason for finally jumping in was to enlighten folks about a band whose music is especially pleasing to me. In the subsequent weeks, I tried to participate in various threads and made a few acquaintances and one friend along the way. However, I always felt that I somehow was missing something, that I was sort of an odd duck because I only dressed for myself, by myself with no ambition beyond that. I then responded to a thread whose subject header I don’t remember but the gist was how this group see’s each other. My response was that I was truly happy to be able to participate with the knowledge that the images I was sharing were being accepted and enjoyed by people I saw as sisters. Sisters that enjoyed the company of other like-minded girls here solely for the thrill of being accepted by and able to share similarities with others who are subject to this unquenchable desire and not a bunch of CD admirers here for more unsavory reasons. I waited for the affirmations to come. Crickets. Suddenly I felt really dirty. At that time, I began to interact with another member that I felt that I could trust about this negativity that I was feeling only to find that I had fallen prey to just the kind of person I imagined. I ceased all activity at that time. I am not the kind of person that wants to rain on anybodies parade, so I thought I should just leave the party, obviously the odd-ball I imagined I was.
After a couple months, however, I realized that in the few weeks that I experienced being a part of CDH, I had become an addict. All the positive feedback I got when I published a photo was intoxicating, especially for someone like me in a DADT relationship. I needed to come back to feed that addiction, to get that positive affirmation I so desired. I told myself that I would come back but that I would lay low, not provide commentary of any substance so as not to disturb anyone (I guess that’s out the window). I now realize that there are some things that I just can’t control - crossdressing being one, speaking my voice when I feel compelled being another.
I am glad to hear Graces voice echoing what I wrote back then. And I am very grateful to be back among sisters.
I began to interact with another member that I felt that I could trust about this negativity that I was feeling only to find that I had fallen prey to just the kind of person I imagined
Penelope, my name is Allie and I'm one of the forum ambassadors. I wish you had contacted one of the team about this, it's our job to keep CDH safe and family friendly. This includes dealing with any concerns that our members have.
I am both shocked and sorry that you had a bad experience here, this is most definitely not what we are about. I'm glad that you feel more comfortable with engaging with forum topics again, please continue to do so.
Should you feel similarly badly treated in the future, please don't hesitate to get in touch with me or any one of the team.
With regard to your comment,
I always felt that I somehow was missing something, that I was sort of an odd duck because I only dressed for myself, by myself with no ambition beyond that.
We are a diverse community, from those new to crossdressing, to sisters who have or are transitioning. From those of us deeply in the closet, to the lucky ones with a supportive and involved SO. Here, no-one is an odd duck or we all are. Regardless, we are all here to be with like-minded sisters.
Thanks for your post 😊.
Allie x
@alexina Allie, I truly believed at the time that I was the misfit and reporting this would lead to nothing. It something that I experienced and remember, but nothing more. No scars, no harm done.
Your kind words are very reassuring. I think I am here for the foreseeable future, unfortunately stuck at the Lady level, though. The difficulties with my wife seeing this subscription on our charge account would be unbearable.
My expectations are more subdued and I am enjoying the feedback my photos are producing. Thank you again for reaching out but, rest assured, I realize that I need CDH to fill a void within me. I think you’re stuck with me.
Thanks, Penelope, and I can see why your pics get good feedback, that's a nice way to get around the 5 photo limit too.
And, I see your latest is one of today's featured photos, congratulations!
Allie x
The difficulties with my wife seeing this subscription on our charge account would be unbearable.
If you are very restricted, then you should also be very careful with your browser usage, too. You might also be able to set up an off-the-books payment system, such as an on-line only debit card that doesn't mail out monthly statements, too.
For example, if you use a browser, such as duckduckgo, designed with certain built-in security functions, you can set it up to, say, automatically clear your history, so that there is nothing to be found left behind. Firefox Focus can do something similar (no growing collection of crossdressing browser tabs). Signal may do something similar, but I don't know it as well as DDG or Focus.
There are a number of things that can be done, to safely stay under your wife's radar.
@fabulous1 Penelope, very well written. The girls here are at every stage of the crossdressing/trans spectrum and that's great. It allows a wide range of opinions and especially gives a hint of the possibilities to those of us who are more closetted. And I can assure you Penelope I am further in the closet than you. I'm sorry you had an upsetting comment. Usually the powers that be are pretty good at weeding this sort of stuff out. And if it gets through then it should be reported. The bottom line is that every girl here is valued as much as the next and the diversity is one of the powerful facets that bring us together. We're all delighted you're still here honey and love hearing from you. Don't you go thinking of leaving.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
Theres another post titled "Hi, Im new and nervous". I think thats your answer. A newbie pops in here, and between the nerves and an overwhelming bit of information on here, just might get scared off. Or its the "morning after" effect of "oh crap, what did I do?!?!".
I also wonder if folks come here thinking this is strictly a fetish thing when in fact, its a real lifestyle for some and bail soon after. Or they freakout and think "what a bunch of weirdos, thats not me!" and they're never heard from again.
I remember it being a big thing to join, going from zero online prescence to having one, albeit with a different name. I still haven't posted any photo's online yet. I love to read the comments here and reply occasionally, maybe I'm a bit in awe of the girls that are more out and about. I'm a regular reader though and hope to join in a bit more.
Yvette.
Going out and about is a choice. Personally, I like to go out and for the most part, I think I get away with it; others may not have the confidence to do that, it might come, it might not. Others just like dressing at home. Some can't dress at all, and I'm sure she won't mind me mentioning that Chrissie is one such, but still come here because of the sisterhood that we have. No one is an 'odd duck' (mentioned earlier) and no one should feel unsafe or unwelcome; I can't imagine what happened with Penelope (above) as I have felt nothing but safe and secure since joining CDH.
It's nice if people post at least one photo as it's always good to put a face to the name but I appreciate that it could be a big step for some and indeed, they may never do it; the fear of being exposed in one's other life might be overwhelming.
Becca
@rebeccabaxter Guilty as charged Becca. Look I'm working on it. Chrissie will flourish at some point in my life. I may be a wrinkled old hag by then but hey ho 😂. Nevertheless my presence here is of great comfort to me and I hope my interactions here are occasionally appreciated xx.
I hope my interactions here are occasionally appreciated
No, Chrissie, they're always appreciated 😊.
Allie x
Some "gals" may think that CDH is a dating site, but when they discover that it is NOT, they go elsewhere.
That's what I like most about CDH, it is well moderated.
Staci...
All this talk of initial posts makes me want to look back at my first foray into CD Heaven but I don't think that can be done. I've gone back as far a month's worth of posts and it seems to stop at that point. I vaguely remember filling in my profile but what my first post was, I have no idea, shame really. Now I've done over 800! I talk too much.
I've not sure if this was your very first post on the site, but it was your intro post:
Ellie x
Ye Gods, how did you find that?!
I read it and now it seems like it was a pack of lies (although I couldn't have known it at the time). Can't shave beard off—did; won't go out dressed—do; do I look like my mother?—nope. And it also appears that foundation does indeed cover a multitude of sins.
Thanks for digging that out Ellie.
Becca
@rebeccabaxter 800 posts over 10 months..... almost 3 posts per day....... No, not too much. Not at all.
@rebeccabaxter 800 posts over 10 months..... almost 3 posts per day....... No, not too much. Not at all.
Becca,
I think there are a few reasons. I agree with Chrissie @chrisfp99 and Grace @gracepal in that some sign up here thinking it is a "saucy" site. They are not looking for classy ladies which is all they are going to find here. As someone else mentioned, a lot of credit goes to the moderators here who do a wonderful job of making CDH a really nice home for us gals. Thank you and a hug to them all!
I also agree with Chrissie on communicating with new members. I greet many newbies and then check out their background information to get a sense of why they may be here. If they put down some information about themselves, I'm more inclined to interact with them in the future.
Added to all that Becca is the fear factor of coming out of the closet and opening up to others about their CD or trans lives. Some men have a lot to lose if they're discovered and maybe have second thoughts after signing up.
@d44 That last part of your post Fiona is totally correct. If one is employed and in the public eye - they definitely have a LOT to lose if they’re outed by anyone without their consent. That’s why I essentially “bagged” Grace for over 25 years. Too much to lose.
The upside is I can totally relax now that I’m retired. No matter what happens I can’t be hurt financially if I were to be outed without my approval. Which makes the second coming of Grace so much more enjoyable this time around. That and the sisterhood of CDH. Many kudos to our great moderators on here!
GP
@gracepal I know what you mean Grace. I did not come out as Fiona until after I was retired and my wife passed away. Priorities were much different back in my earlier years. Now that I live 24/7, I'm out to basically everyone and it makes everything more enjoyable living like this.
@d44 You’re a unique one on here Fiona. 24/7 living as a woman now after a lifetime as a married man. You validate discussions I’ve had with many people regarding “born this way” vs “choosing” their non-mainstream lifestyles.
Sometimes people just want to try something new in their lives before they have to leave the planet🥰
GP
Sometimes people just want to try something new in their lives before they have to leave the planet🥰
That's me.
Sometimes people just want to try something new in their lives before they have to leave the planet
@gracepal Sometimes it makes all the difference, even if you didn't realise the difference needed to be made 🙂
@gracepal I was actually a closeted CD all throughout my married years and earlier so I probably lean more toward the "born this way" side.
I agree with you that we are all ladies here at CDH,so pleased That I chose CDH you are all lovely and very welcoming and very supportive for some reason I tried another site looked like it would be similar nope left it after short time.sorry you’re stuck with me luv you all,still looking forward to eventually getting the confidence to go out and show Lilly experience the life le femme Lilly Grace xx.
Interesting I’m still learning the site being new I haven’t ran away yet again I came to a conclusion of who I am and dearly enjoy my time here indeed has been such an amazing journey here to read so many wonderful forms and to chat with others very relaxing and comfortable here I must say been an honor so fare to share and meet such lovely wonderful lady’s here thank you all
