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Physical assault -- common, or not?

26 Posts
16 Users
80 Reactions
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Posts: 1341
Topic starter
(@rebeccabaxter)
    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

I was reading through some of the posts on the subject of the biggest fear when going out as a woman and one of the recurring fears therein was the fear of getting beaten up by intolerant people; to be honest, it rather put the dampers on any ambitions I have to go out in public but I have to see both sides of this first.

I know many people go out in the company of others and often to sympathetic groups like LGBT bars and Pride occasions where the chance of attack is probably quite low, but I am more concerned with the act of going out, say, shopping in a city (which is what my first time out is likely to be, if it happens).

How many of you have actually been physically assaulted as a direct result of going out dressed as a woman? Is the fear of assault far outweighing the actual acts of assault or is assault a [relatively] common thing?

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25 Replies
5 Replies
Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4018

@rebeccabaxter No assaults here, but then I don't usually go out fully en femme, either. I still get obvious stares and, in a few cases, nothing more than, say, snickers from teenagers.

As with a few other members here, I spent about 13 years training in martial arts. Hopefully I can remember some of that, if the need ever arises. In the meantime, I am very cautious around others and am checking the environment all of the time. Things can go south really quickly when dealing with unknowns, so I still want to "read" people thoroughly.

On the other hand, I wouldn't let this keep me indoors. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Have some idea about why you are there, have an idea about exit strategies, etc. Try to learn and follow safety tips for women. Someone here mentioned where to park you car, such as in well-lit areas close to entrances. Be confident, act as if you belong where you are, because predators look for signs of weakness, so but don't be foolhardy.

Be informed, play it safe, and have a good time. My take on this, based on the experience of most members, is that nothing bad will ever happen.

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Duchess
(@pattyphose)
Joined: 9 years ago

Famed Member     Long Island, New York, United States of America
Posts: 2296

@rebeccabaxter When going out, most of my experiences and encounters have been fine and most very nice.

But there has been some catcalling, negative remarks about being, snotty, stuck up and thinking I'm to good. And there was a few incidents of touchy feely that was surprising and unexpected.

One of my biggest fears that continues to this day is being assaulted. So knowing where you are going and who you might be around is important. It's also good to be vigilant and try to be aware of your surroundings.

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Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2157

@rebeccabaxter I am out as Cassie about 95% of my day, except for my main job. I live in small town Iowa, and even go to the post office, library and convenience store. I work in a nearby college town and shop there all the time. 

I have had ZERO incidents, even when I was clocked. 

Cassie 

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Managing Ambassador
(@lizk)
Joined: 5 years ago

Illustrious Member     North County San Diego, California, United States of America
Posts: 3859

@rebeccabaxter 

I'm trans.  I go out every day because I need to live my life.  Do I worry about being assaulted?  Not really.  At least not any more than most other women.  Every woman knows she could be targeted at any time.  And they know that taking sensible precautions mitigates much of that risk. 

We all know trans people, especially trans women, are the subject of much hate these days.  Yes, that's an additional worry that cis women don't have.  But the likelihood of something happening is still low.  The same precautions any woman would take still apply.  The basic concept is don't put yourself in a situation where it's more likely that you'll be attacked.

I've been doing this every day for 2.5 years.  I blend in but anyone paying attention knows I'm trans.  I usually get gendered correctly (female) and I'm always treated with respect.  I've never felt threatened.  Occasionally I get strange looks or a knowing grin.  That's the worst I've encountered since going full time. 

The last time I encountered real adversity was after my ex-wife discovered my secret 21 years ago.  Even then there wasn't any physical violence.

Things are definitely better now even with the recent backlash.

This is what I'd say to anyone reading this.  If you want to go out, get out there.  Live your life.  But be safe.  Do your homework.  Know the area you'll be in.  Avoid risky places.  Be aware of your surroundings.  Use common sense.  Don't leave your drink unattended - ever!  Travel in groups at night.  Wear flats when you're on the street.  Tell someone you trust where you'll be and have agreed upon check-in times.

Millions of transgirls go out every day.  Join them.

/EA

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(@bianca)
Joined: 8 years ago

Noble Member     GB
Posts: 1264

@rebeccabaxter Been out lots. Never had a problem. It’s all about street smarts. Stick to places with a big female or LGBT contingent, love dancing, so usually head for friendly clubs with a dancefloor. 
I am over 6’ in heels, have an athletic build and try to project a confident demeanour, chin up, chest out, eye contact etc. 

Avoid like the plague spit and sawdust testosterone heavy bars with men trying to show how manly they are. And will cross the road or turn away when I see groups of men together, especially when they are drunk and trying to show off to their mates. 
 
Be kind, be confident, be smart, stay safe.

B x

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Posts: 627
Lady
(@jillannquinn)
Noble Member     Reno, Nevada, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

I’ve been out fully en femme three times now and I can’t wait for my next outing! I’ve gone out in the daytime and I get home well before dark. Like Harriet, I have a number of years of martial arts training and I look for trouble ahead of walking into a place, including people I may know.

So far, all three of my outings have been safe and fun even though I was clocked everywhere I went. The last time I went out was this past December and my first stop was to Barnes and Noble. Because it was Christmas time, the store was packed. I had to wait in the longest line I’ve ever seen there. But not one person accosted me in any way. In fact, the salesman whom I didn’t want to call me up to the register (he was my parent’s age and I was sure he’d be some what intolerant, boy was I wrong) addressed me as ma’am!

Everywhere I went I was treated like a person, a real human and not a monster that deserved to be stoned by the mob. I hope you go soon and experience only the worst of my best experiences, Becca! Be safe and have fun!

Hugs, Jill

P.S. Let us know how your first outing goes!

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Posts: 263
(@veroslondon)
Reputable Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

This seems to be a fairly common fear although, at least here in the UK, I think the evidence of actual occurrences is very low. However, it's fairly obvious that the risk increases depending on where and when you are out dressed. I had one "unpleasant" experience when returning to a hotel late one evening dressed. Somehow, I had lost my room key card which I also needed to get into the hotel. While I was scrabbling around in my handbag another male guest arrived and held the door open for me and said something like "after you love". So I gratefully went into the hotel and eventually found someone to issue me with a new key card. As I got into the lift to go up to my room, the man who had helped me get into the hotel appeared from nowhere and entered the lift after me. He was obviously a bit drunk and made a fairly feeble attempt to invite me to his room for a drink. Fortunately he didn't try to follow me to my room and I gave a big sigh of relief as I locked the door to my room behind me. 

Now, in this case, nothing happened. The man wasn't aggressive just a bit creepy but I was still scared and it is possible, although I think unlikely, that he had not necessarily targeted me because I was trans. In effect, was I just receiving the same treatment that all cis women get when out alone at night? I go out regularly during the day dressed and I have never encountered any kind of hostility not even verbal and certainly not physical in these situations. I know it seems to be rather obvious, but the risk does seem to increase substantially if you are alone, at night and in an area where you are likely to come into contact with drunken men which is the same risk that all women routinely face.

 

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2 Replies
Guest
(@Anonymous 91593)
Joined: 1 year ago

Estimable Member
Posts: 183

@veroslondon  it's quite a shock when that happens . I had similar a few years back walking from the car park to a pub. A man , he wasn't drunk but he'd had a few drinks , paused to let me past . As I walked by his exact words were "gorgeous legs , fancy a f**k darling". After I politely declined him it set me off thinking .

I am more than capable of physically looking after myself ( after finding a safe spot for my handbag and taking my heels off) so I wasn't scared at all.  

My thoughts were that bizarrely I was quite happy that he'd felt I was an attractive woman but then absolutely disgusted that he thought it was fair play to treat any woman in that manner. 

I did spot him later on in a bar and was almost tempted to go and give him a piece of my mind but that would have made me the aggressor . 

Never had any real problems at all other than one angry little man and he was nothing 👍😎

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(@veroslondon)
Joined: 1 year ago

Reputable Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Posts: 263

@kayt Hi Kay

It's unsettling when it happens and for me it was also a live example why some cis women treat all men as potential sexual predators. 

Veronica xx

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Posts: 1341
Topic starter
(@rebeccabaxter)
    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

Thanks for the encouragement. I am very unlikely to go out at night dressed as I rarely go out at night anyway except to go to the theatre; in fact one of my planned outings is to see Everybody's Talking About Jamie at The Theatre Royal. I was going to say that would be a nice evening out but I've just revisited my tickets and it is a matinee performance at 2.30 pm and so is the next play we are going to see. The first performance in an evening I have to go on my own as my wife has double-booked and will be on holiday in the Mediterranean. Whether I dare go 'en femme et seule' remains to be seen -- TBH, it's rather unlikely as I would be sitting next to an empty seat which might look a little sad. Tears  

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3 Replies
Ambassador
(@jacquelinelarkspur)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom
Posts: 1497

@rebeccabaxter 

That's a shame. Are there no other girls in your neck of the woods you could gift/sell the spare ticket to?

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(@rebeccabaxter)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Posts: 1341

@jacquelinelarkspur 

No, I'm not hugely sociable IRL, I prefer to write over talk. I might be better if en femme, time will tell.

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Ambassador
(@jacquelinelarkspur)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom
Posts: 1497

@rebeccabaxter 

I'm not a particularly outgoing person IRL either. In fact I'm quite reserved, and find making conversation difficult - except when I'm dressed. Then it's like a different part of me is released. I feel more relaxed and can have more fun. It may well be the same for you.

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Posts: 3446
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

In all the years of going out I have only had a few small incidents which occurred during my early years where I wasn't as confident and 'not quite there' in the overall appearance.  I live in the U.K. and now all is well. It does depend where you live and where you go and just being mindful of surroundings is what any girl should do.

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Posts: 1341
Topic starter
(@rebeccabaxter)
    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

I would have to rely on guile and observation as martial arts of any kind are completely off limits due to arthritic hands; TBH I couldn't use my hands to punch my way out of a paper bag.

I can't see myself doing anything other than shopping in the nearby city. I don't use public transport and I don't drink any more so apart from lunch, bars and pubs are not really attractive to me. I can't say I'm too worried about going out assault-wise but it's best to check others experiences and take their advice; forewarned is forearmed.

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Posts: 1805
Baroness Annual
(@d44)
Famed Member     New York, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I have been out in public en femme somewhere around 400 times so far and I've never really had a serious problem. We all know that there are certain areas of our towns or counties that have an unsavory reputation so simply stay away from them. If you dress to blend in and do a decent enough job with your makeup and female mannerisms you shouldn't have much to worry about except those things that all women worry about.

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Posts: 864
Baroness
(@chloec)
Prominent Member     Lakeshore, Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I've was worried about being accosted the very few times I was out, too, though it probably isn't that common, but no more as with my 'luck' the next person i'd run into would be antagonistic. Which reminds me of a real life story. My older brother back in college was on the football team and by that time was a black belt in karate (late 60's) He was walking around a large metro area waiting for a bus and someone approached him, pulled a knife and demanded his wallet. He looked the guy over and figured he could out run him, which he did, although the knife blade did cut his shirt. So, unless one is a very well established professional in one of the arts of self-defense, getting away should be the first option, I would think.

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2 Replies
Lady
(@paulapantyhose)
Joined: 7 years ago

Estimable Member     western part of state, Texas, United States of America
Posts: 144

@chloec I am a firm believer in any fight you avoid you win.  I feel confident that I would not lose as HH, but why take the risk if you can make a clean escape.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4018

@chloec Yes, avoidance was part of our training, too, but I can't run worth a damn anymore. 😕

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Posts: 144
Lady
(@paulapantyhose)
Estimable Member     western part of state, Texas, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

I have gone out in several different states of fem dress from just heels with mens clothing to fully dressed except of makeup.  I have never had any interaction that I was worried would move into an assault. The worst was hearing people talk after I walked by ____________ insert your own rude comment but nothing that made me fearful, just sad that they were that way as it takes away from their joy to take the time to bad mouth me.   With that said I do not go places where I would not go as HandsomeHusband(HH) and a lot of times I will scout new locations as HH before going as Paula.  I have been out in Austin, Bryan, College Station, Dallas, San Antonio, San Marcos and Abilene in Texas.  I will not go out in the smaller towns in the western part of the state.

 

The staff from the maid to the manager at my normal IHG hotel in San Antonio know about Paula and treat Paula like a queen.

 

 

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3 Replies
(@rebeccabaxter)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Posts: 1341

Are the smaller towns not very tolerant then?

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Lady
(@paulapantyhose)
Joined: 7 years ago

Estimable Member     western part of state, Texas, United States of America
Posts: 144

@rebeccabaxter not sure if it is they are less tolerant or if I just know to many people in the area to risk being seen.  But I will not be seen in any of the many small town/cities in the western part of the state dressed in anything fem.

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Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2157

@rebeccabaxter Becca, I think just worrying about a small town is not correct.  I live in small town Iowa  (population 1300)and have gone to the local bar connected with the VFW, invited by a co-worker a few times. NEVER had any problems there. BUT I only go in the afternoon or early evening. Possibly later in the night when people are getting a little more intoxicated it might be a problem, but I think you would probably have problems in a 'red neck ' bar in a big city also 

In short know your surroundings and the vibes, BE WISE. 

Cassie 

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Posts: 604
(@heels234)
Prominent Member     Mesa, Arizona, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

I have never been physically threatened or laid a hand upon as Michelle,maybe a long stare once or twice,but the most memorable was yesterday at Village Inn,a family type restaurant here in Arizona.,who just happens to have THE best pies in the state.I was sitting in a booth enjoying a piece of French Silk pie and diagonally across from me was a family of four people,30 something mother and father and two children,approximately2 and 4 yrs .The two year old AND the father spent at least ten{10} minutes staring at me.Now I understand small children staring but the father too?I was dressed to blend in,jeans a nice top and small heeled booties,2 inch.If behaviour is a learned thing,what has this father taught his son?It was not worth a confrontation,I enjoyed my pie,chatted with the waiter and got up and walked out to pay at the counter.Perhaps this father will learn sooner or later.

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Posts: 1062
Duchess Annual
(@robertaf)
Noble Member     Louisiana, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I've been out and dressed pretty much all over the USA and now a few other countries. As a woman I'm a little more cautious of my surroundings.  I avoid places that look too risky. I'm a little more selective about where I park or walk. I avoid places that don't have people present. It's not a lot different than in male mode, just a little bit more careful. When going out at night, it's important to know to leave while people are still out. Don't stay for last call anywhere, unless you are with a group. 

I've really never had a bad experience anywhere.   

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