Please be cautious when giving advice

Seleena, you are spot on. Everyone must make their own call on whether to come out or not. As you say, it's an irreversible step. By all means, we can offer encouragement to those who are thinking about coming out, but it needs to be encouragement for the person to critically weigh the pros and cons.

Some, like I did, reach a point in their lives where they feel they have to come out, perhaps as an alternative to self-harm but just because some individuals come out doesn't mean it's right for everyone.

There is certainly greater acceptance in society than there was, say twenty years ago however, as we've seen with the transgender/military debate in the US and the same-sex marriage debate here in Australia, bigotry and hatred still exists.

We should offer encouragement but we must also temper that with the need for the individual to decide what is best for their situation. If remaining closeted is the outcome then the rest of us should accept that, but let the person know that such a situation is no sort of failure, nor is it something to be ashamed of. We can only do what we can do and what feels right for ourselves.

I've heard it said, even here at CDH, that if a person isn't pursuing transition then they are not really transgender. The same goes for insisting that another member 'must' come out. The last thing we need is divisive statements that segregate us from each other.

Thanks Selena. I think you bring up some valid points. Many of us are vulnerable and easily influenced. And once the geni is out of the bottle we can not put it back.

Yes absolutely caution to the wind. This being a very important subject and every  situation must be viewed differently. Not knowing a persons personal situation advise should be given with good intentions by not force upon . I do agree not to say it's OK and just do it, it work for me but advice like that could hurt in many ways even though your intentions were honerable. Never push your thoughts  and feelings to anyone. Make sure you emphasize that these are my thoughts and don't be pressured to follow through. We are here to help but help is somethings blinded by reality. 🌹

Very important point Seleena!!!

I sometimes make it sound like it was a breeze coming out to my wife, which it was not. She did almost leave me. However, the more important point is that at the time she was actually a low risk for the other parts of my life. First, it was before we were married (so no risk of divorce). Also, it was early enough in our relationship that she did not know my family back home in another state (remember that people talk, especially if they are not that accepting). And finally, I had a good feel about the type of person was/is, kind of artisy fairly liberal and pretty open about other people being able to live there own lives.

Of course, I see this all in retrospect. At the time, I don't think I thought about any of this - really just a 24 year old bumbling through life.

Selena,

Excellent  points. I had began to feel the same way myself.  Also there can be an encouragement to  dress more daringly  than one might otherwise have done so without visiting the site (possibly ). Thanks for bringing this up.

Masie

Thank you for your always insightful comments, Jane.

Though we're probably hoping for the same end result, I struggle with how you've used the word 'encouragement' a few times but  haven't used "caution" once.

I fear that the encouragement you offer amounts to little more than peer pressure to someone struggling, no matter how tempered it is with "you should decide for yourself". Because, so often, we tell people how cool we are for coming out, yet neglect to tell them about the negative.

Would it not be wisest and fairest to just offer "please be careful" as our only advice, especially if in a position of authority at CDH?

Maybe I worry too much but every single tragic end to a TG quest for authenticity was because of regret ... the inability to undo.

And lastly, I'm not allowed to mention my very legal sport/hobby in the chat room here because it might offend someone.  Yet it's okay to be casual about discussions and decisions that can cause real pain, alter life paths and worse.

I guess I just don't understand.

I totally agree Stephanie.  We call it being supportive yet suggesting caution is considered being negative.

Thanks for being so honest Julie!!

Everyone makes it "sound like a breeze when it's really not".

Your last paragraph is priceless.  In retrospect, we understand lots. So doesn't it make sense that those of us with a retrospective understanding come forward to share it?  I already know your answer to that.  *hugs*

I don't mean to get political or divisive but the other thing that comes to mind is liability, both legal and moral, for our words of "encouragement".

In a US court (Florida v Michelle Carter), a woman was found criminally guilty for encouraging her boyfriend to do something that ended his life. While this is an extreme situation, I'm bringing it up in hopes that we can all  remember that we ~are~ responsible for our words. And if you're a chat room moderator, even more so.

Can you tell that I've been to a couple funerals that didn't have to happen?  Please never discount the power of peer pressure!

And thank you for helping me discuss this here. Discussion is good no matter how we see this.

I have wanted to tell my wife for about 6 months now. And it was definitely encouragement and peer pressure that gave me courage/motivation to come to my wife. I am very glad I did. She was "shocked". Well after 32 years of marriage I can understand. We have not discussed it since. There is no tension, but I want to continue dialogue. But I careful. I really the CDH and the friendships I building with you girls. Love Always Michelle

Michelle, wouldn't it be fabulous if those who've done this could offer a "best practices" handbook on things to consider to increase chances for a good outcome? (I know ... a handbook is silly but you get the idea .. lol)

Instead of advice on whether to come out or not, advice on how to make it work once the decision has been made personally?

oops .. Massachusetts v Carter .. not Florida

Some guidelines would help.
Actually I have gotten great advice from Cudcakes Love. She is am SO to one of us. Her SO is a member here. She told me make sure I told my wife how much I love her. And to provide my with lots of assurance. And take it slow. Don't rush it.

Thanks Michelle!  It sounds simple and intuitive but it's not. Most of us prepare for battle before coming out to a spouse but love and assurance works sooo much better.  Thank you again for sharing.