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I was out dressed in a local town shopping the other day and towards the end of the day I popped into a cafe/restaurant which also has a bar you can sit at (which is fairly rare in the UK but becoming more popular) for glass of wine at the end of the day. I've done this a couple of times before but I'm not a regular. Almost as soon as I sat down the woman serving asked me if I wanted my usual glass of prosecco (very girly I know but I quite enjoy a glass of fizz). I mumbled something like thanks that would be very nice but what intrigued me about this exchange was why the woman had recognised me. I assumed it was because she had identified me as trans and it had registered with her but could it simply be that she is just very good at her job and liked to keep her customers happy. I guess I'm still not sure how to react to this kind of situation. Should I just accept the kind gesture or be resentful that I may be getting special treatment out of sympathy for being part of a minority?
@veroslondon Not wishing to be funny (and please don't take this the wrong way!), but I imagine that she would remember you as being different from her other clients. Apart from anything else, if you are sitting at the bar, you are going to be more noticeable, simply because you are sitting at the bar and therefore constantly being seen every time she looks at the bar 🙂
As I say, I'm not criticising you in any way - I'm rather envious to be honest 🙂 But if you are in her line of sight every time you are there, she will notice. But I'm sure she's remembering you for the right reasons and not in a negative way. Have you engaged her in conversation? She might be worth having 'on your team', as it were. 🙂
Hi Veronica 😘
im a bit jealous a barmaid remembers your drink. You must of made a good impression on her, if it was bad she may remember you but not your order. As long as she’s polite and respectful run with it, introduce yourself and learn her name. You may find she’ll come and chat when not busy. Don’t forget that you remember her too.
I don’t go shopping dressed but openly shop for women’s clothes in drab, I went into a store for the first time about 3 months ago ended up getting acouple of pairs of jeans. Went back there last week and the lady greeted me and asked how the jeans are working out.
Cassie
💋
Enjoy it Veronica,what better way to end the day.You had a great day,it came to a successful and wonderful conclusion and now you are sitting at a lovely cafe having a drink and the lady serving you asks if you would like your usual beverage.Sounds like she remembers you from before and probably sensed you were there to treat yourself,Enjoy it,you may have found a new friend.As my sister tells me{who knows about Michelle}you may have expanded your network.
@veroslondon I've met a number of bartenders who have excellent memories. Maybe it comes from having to know the formulations of drinks or maybe it is just natural. A lot of times, when I walk into a familiar place, they will know what my drink of choice is. If you have been there a few times, I would just say that it's the latter case and they are just trying to give you the best possible service and let you know that they remember you (regardless of the reason).
@veroslondon Don’t overthink it Veronica, accept it as a compliment, she is doing her job well. Next time thank her for remembering, strike up a conversation and you will have an opportunity to ask her more about her opinion of you. You may make a hew friend👍
B x
Hi Veronica
I think that's a nice compliment I would be very happy, she obviously see's you as a nice customer and happy with you.
Sarah xx
As an update to my earlier post I went into the same bar on Saturday and the female bar tender who had recognised me before again asked me if I wanted my usual but this time also asked me if I also wanted some olives. She obviously remembered that I had ordered a small dish of olives with my glass of prosecco before. So I recalled all your advice to just sit back and enjoy the experience rather than overthinking why she had remembered me and I thoroughly enjoyed my prosecco and olives.
CDH is such good therapy!
Veronica xxx
@veroslondon I live in Cathedral City, California. It is between Palm Springs and Rancho Mirage. The population is 50,000+ and is about 60% Latinx. In the entire Coachella Valley, which consists of 350,000+ people in 9 contiguous towns, the Black population is about 4%. This is well under the rate in the country at large of about 14%.
So, with this background in mind, there are 3 close local restaurants that I visit if I decide to have breakfast out (maybe once every month or two). The last time I visited the one closest to my house, one of the waitresses stopped by my table. She has waited in me in the past, but not this particular time. She looks to be fairly butch, but that has never been a problem for me and I say that purely for description without judgement. On a previous visit, she mentioned that she remembered me and also she said that I was with a guy. The guy was an artist who specialized in large murals. In my, then, capacity as Chair of our Public Arts Commission, he was informing of the technical aspects of his work.
Anyway, on this most recent visit, she said that she remembered me and asked for my name. I replied and we talked for a moment before she returned to duty.
After she left, I was a bit puzzled as to what made her remember me. What came to mind was:
- Trans woman
- Black woman (which is why I presented the demographic information above)
- Always nicely dressed with makeup, jewelry, hat and heels
- Always Please and Thank You
But, what remains a mystery is if it was one of these factors, all of the above or something else. I can’t say that I know. I’ll add this to other Mysteries Of The Universe that I have run across!
i guess i'm not understanding how getting served at a bar would qualify as "special treatment" unless you were underage? it sounds to me just like a friendly barmaid doing her thing.
Don’t overthink it Veronica.
It often amazes me how staff at bars/coffee shops remember me after a couple of visits, even in boy mode, where I would describe myself as fairly non-descript.
Accept it as a kind gesture. Being a crossdresser I’m sure we stand out in people’s memory I have had sales associates, hotel front desk workers and a couple female waitresses remember me and actually tell me they wondered if they would see me again.
@target Jill, your reply suggests that you shop and stay at inns often and pleasantly enough to impress the salespersons and inn staff. 💃🏼
@target Hi Jill
I guess the issue your reply highlights for me is when we are out dressed, do we want to be accepted as a reasonable facsimile of a woman or as a woman. For me I would prefer it was the latter but accept that it's not really possible.
For me it would be a non issue. Similar things have happened to me as well. I go into a business and / or meet someone while dressed on in an androgynous attire. Months later I go to the same place and the staff remember me. I imagine it is because I WAS dressed or appeared differently and that image was "stuck" in their mind. Not necessarily in a bad way, but there nonetheless. The few times that has happened, I will ask in a jovial way, now why do you remember me after all this time and the hundreds of folks you have met since I was last here? Usually the person laughs and say that they have an excellent memory of faces.
Again, for me no big deal, I find it sorta fun... Staci...
Never overthink. If she has served you before then she is good to remember you and what you drink.
Hi Angela
Telling me not to overthink is great advice except that I have to unlearn the last 77 years of my life! What I was trying to do with this post was to illustrate the ambiguities we girls face when we put ourselves out there. I'm sure that a cis woman would have just accepted that she was getting great service and think nothing more of it. But for me, when I'm out dressed and however much I want to be a confident woman, I always have at the back of my mind I'm a fraud, that it's all a front. This translates into tending to think that when cis women interact with me as Veronica they are doing it because they realise I'm trans and don't want to offend. But the next time I go into this bar I'm just going to enjoy the experience or at least I'll try. I've often thought that if there is one attribute I would liked my genes to have gifted my children, it's self-confidence but unfortunately they didn't.
Veronica
I do not see what you would be resentful about. The bartender was doing her job and recognized you and served you what you usually have. If you were in guy mode and she asked, "The usual?" would you have thought twice about it?
Maybe I am missing something, but when en femme I like to be treated "normally". I recently posted an article about getting a drink and a bite to eat after a makeover, and I was treated like every other patron, which is a win in my book.
Totally with you JJ. What I would dread in a restaurant would to be called "sir"
There is a snack bar in the centre of our city. Three weeks ago, in Cerys Mode, I ordered two coffees. One ofr me and one for a friend that runs a nearby market stall. A week later, I did the same, but in male mode. The girl serving asked me if my friend liked his coffee (he's a regular with them). I never mentioned my friends name. He is gay, and runs a stall selling LGBTQ+ related gifts etc. I guess that the girl serving clocked me as male (not difficult) and assumed who I was visiting.... She recognised me in male mode. I don't hide who or what I am. We talked about the other me, and how I like to switch back and forth.... She thought it was a great idea 😉
Cerys
Exactly my point Cerys, we just want to be treated as a just like everybody else. Up close I know I don't pass, not do I care. I f I did I would not go out in public. That is also why I would never approach another CD/trans person just because they are CD/trans. I treat them as a normal.person, which they are. I may make eye contact and smile, but I will do that with anybody I pass given the chance.
I used to go into my local Dress Barn in male mode. I might browse around, or sometimes I would order online and pick it up (it was less than 1/2 mile from home).
As the store was closing, I was dressed up to take a walk through my neighborhood. I must have checked some email, so I decided to stop into the store before my walk. One of the sales associates passed me, did a double take, said, "Oh, hi!" and continued what she was doing.
This is just one experience I have where I learned that "passing" doesn't always mean fooling the other person. Often, passing just means being accepted.
@alison-anderson Hi Alison
Thanks for your response. I had a conversation with my therapist this morning about this very issue. Very politely, she told me that it was very unlikely that cis women would see me as a woman and that I should stop striving for this. Instead I should be seeking to be accepted for what I am which is a sort of trans woman. Your point exactly. The other thing she said which sort of took me back somewhat was that my need to be seen as an actual woman rather than a trans woman is a kind of "internalised transphobia". I'm not sure how to process this thought!
Veronica
@alison-anderson "Often, passing just means being accepted."
I like that. Over the last few days, I got to chat about my dressing with my wife. She is slowly coming around to me crossdressing because I am not embarrassing her in public.
On the train, I had a chance to explain a bit about crossdressers and showed some face images of various dressers and different types of dressing. That's when I introduced to her the expression of "passing" or "not passing". She thinks that I can't pass.
I will have to expand that thought using acceptance, as well. Thanks for the suggestion, Alison.
A good bartender always tries to remember previous customers in order to make them feel welcome and maybe get a bigger tip. As others have said, don't overthink it, just relax and enjoy!
Hi Fiona
From your reply I would guess you live in the US and are used to "bartenders" who know their job. Here in the UK we have "bar staff" who usually last a couple of weeks before moving on. If the staff are more permanent, you will need to go into the pub (not many genuine bars here) for at least 10 years before there might be a faint flicker of recognition. Also, you don't tip bar staff unless you fancy the barmaid.
Veronica
