Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
I realized recently in the course of a conversation with my imaginary friend that I have attained a status that I have not been in since 1974. I have no obligations to be responsible for the well-being, care, feeding or maintenance of another person or being, not even a pet. For all these years my prime directive has been my responsibility to care for a mate, child, dog, cat, or what have you. But after 50 years of toil, I am again only responsible for me. I am not complaining, I took on each burden of my own free will. But the consequence of those choices I had made was that when choosing what my actions were going to be I had to consider not just the effect on me, but on all those others I was in some respect carrying. I am realizing that a major change has occurred, I am no longer carrying anyone, so I am free to design each day to suit me, not ‘them’. Both liberating and scary at the same time. The decision tree I had been using my whole life has become obsolete and my new version has many less inputs to consider.
A film moment that has long captured my imagination is from Groundhog Day, when Bill Murray’s character realizes that the consequences that had acted as guard rails on his behavior can no longer have an effect on him which frees him to choose actions he previously would not have performed. His character, Phil Conners says, “I’m not going to play by their rules anymore”. I find myself with that sort of freedom again, because for the first time in 50 years I only have to consider what the consequences could be for me, not the community that lived on my back!
So i moved up another level. It is a ridiculously small thing really but to me it is huge. I decided to start growing my natural nails out a bit and shape the tips and wear polish. Just clear polish to start but for the John Wayne public persona i have always put on it is a crack in his armor. I bought some nail supplies on Amazon and started a routine of nail care in the evenings and quickly found that those 15 or 20 minutes were very soothing and affirming. A moment every day to let Megan come out of hiding, at least a little. So I quickly realized that i needed a topcoat and some orange sticks. So yesterday while at the supermarket i went to the Cosmetics section and something totally unexpected happened. Whenever my John Wayne persona would have to go in there to get something for a significant other I would be freaking out on the inside that, i dont know, i would be called out as a trespasser or people would think i was gay. Well yesterday I felt none of that. Instead I felt like.. i know who i am... and if you dont like it you are going to have to get over it because this girl has as much business there as any CIS woman.
Small steps, but Megan keeps making them. No point, just thought I would share. 
@sailor2000 What an eloquent post Megan. I am still very much where you used to be, with the result that attending to my feminine needs doesn't really happen, and I find that super hard. If your change of circumstances involved some personal loss then you have my sympathy honey. But how good is it that you now have a complete blank page for some mega Megan time (see what I did there 😂). Growing my nails would be out of the question so how exciting for you. Be sure to keep us updated on further femme progress.
Hugs, Chrissie xx. @
@chrisfp99 Megan blushes at 'eloquent'... thank you. I often resist the urge to share my experiences, thoughts and feelings but then i remember that my sisters might find my experience helpful, affirming or at the least cautionary. I have found that the feeling of am i crazy / am i alone is best relived by contact with our sisters, which is why this site is such a wonderful resource!
@sailor2000 i am at a similiar place. My inner girl wants a lot more time. I even told my doc I am thi king of going trans.
Thanks for posting this, Megan, you say that you're not making a point but I see a very clear point that I'll take from it. People react to what they see and, if they see someone who is confident and comfortable, then they too, are comfortable in interacting with that person.
A few days ago, I was in a shoe shop with my wife, she wanted a new pair for winter. While she was trying on a couple of pairs, I noticed a pair of boots in a similar style to doc martens, that had a lovely, colourful pattern. I picked one from the shelf for a closer look and, when I was putting it back, a lady commented on it and I said, aren't they just gorgeous. We both smiled and went on browsing. Just a few months ago, I'd have been red faced and nervous about being "caught" looking at ladies shoes in a shop but, since adopting the same attitude you speak of, I've had a lot more positive encounters.
Again, thanks for sharing this, I'm sure it'll help to inspire more of us to do the same.
Allie x
Christian Dietz. No, I'd never heard of them. Happy wife though and that means a lot.
Reciprocal hugs
Allie xx
Well, as we know, John Wayne's real name was Marion, so...
As John Wayne said in True Grit, "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway." ......
I am in the same place that you are Megan. It is sort of strange at first that we don’t have someone to take care of, because I so enjoyed taking care of my wife. But then I had a good friend explain to me that we have a new job, and that is to take care of ourselves. It does get a bit lonely at times, but all I have to do is reflect a very little bit on the wonderful life that I have been given amd think of all of the beautiful experiences I have that await my life going forward.
Megan -
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is very affirming and encouraging for others.
It is wonderful that you're doing your nails, what a lovely way to spend an evening. It is the little things sometimes that are the best. My wife and I go for mani-pedi's every couple months. When we first started going I was very nervous but was made to feel comfortable tight away. The same for the first time I got polish but again became comfortable quickly. I get clear with a light pink tinge on my fingers, my toes I get whatever color I feel like. Presently my toes are a tan color with pumpkins on the big toes, they look really cute.
Like you I also felt a bit of angst going into the cosmetic department or picking up pads for my wife - Now I don't care what others think. I get whatever we need whether its pads (we each use them now), make up, even panties and pantyhose. Why is it that women can shop for men buying underwear and whatever but men can't buy for women (other than at Christmas). It's funny I remember as a kid there was a ladies store that opened one night during Christmas so the men could go shopping for their wives, seems silly now.
Enjoy ding you.
XOXO
Suzanne
Megan,
I'm so happy you're beginning the process of blossoming into a woman. It's a wonderful experience. Enjoy!
