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My wife of 43 years is my love, my angel, my best and only friend. I never related to male friends, only acquaintances. I dated her prior to marriage in 1981 for three years, three months and three days from first meeting. We have three grown children, all successful, due in no small part to her as I travelled extensively for work in my early career.
Not to get too personal but my wife knew of my CD from the second date. She is only hetero and not attracted to women, although for our first 35 years married (and also the dating years) she embraced intimacy with my femme side and her past affirmation allowed me to cope.
However in the last eight years there has been no intimacy at all with either of my personalities. If I am honest there was a lot of stress and changes at work; I was wanting more femme intimacy than male and that may have caused her shutdown, along with her losing her desire for sex. It’s been more difficult now that I am wanting more CD and possible transition.
I'm now semi-retired but my dysphoria of body hair and balding top triggers me. I can only cope with CD fully shaved and wigged, whereas before the CD on its own allowed me to cope. I'm in therapy as my wife wants me to figure it out, but I see a dark road ahead for our relationship. This was not the retirement she envisioned. She always thought I was minor femme and major man, but my egg is cracking and now I feel major femme and minor male. This is her observation as well. It scares her and I can’t reassure her anymore.
My therapist suggests continuing to reassure her about my love. As I have been feeling more femme, my aggressive and selfish nature has subsided. I feel more empathetic, help her more around the house and don’t disassociate or bury myself in computer games for hours anymore, which was a repression coping in the past. Now my interests are changed. I listen to and engage more with her. But if I even mention any baby steps I want to take, it triggers her and she shuts down. We can’t communicate about Kaydee, and lack of affirmation is building a wedge between us. If I fully come out of my shell, she won’t be with me in any form.
Sorry to unburden with you all so publicly, but I am scared. I hope to get advice from others in my situation. How do you accomplish an equilibrium with your SO if you're bordering on TG, or is it even possible?
My therapist wants to help me balance my two personalities and hope my wife can accept me as me.
Kaydee
I give you credit for trying therapy. However, I see a problem in the notion that your therapist can help you in working out some sort of balance with your wife without her being a part of the therapeutic discussion. What I am suggesting is joint counseling. The two of you need to discuss the issues in your relationship with an objective, qualified therapist. That doesn’t mean you’ll reach a agreement that meets your needs, but at least you’ll be closer to understanding each other, and hopefully better able to put the relative importance of the relationship, her needs/wants and your needs/wants.
Hi Kaydee,
Firstly, huge hugs from yourself and SO. I am a SO of the beautiful Amber, who has become more open and in our lives the past few months (yes new to open, but aware for 15 yrs).
While my perspective might be different as I am pansexual, I can emphasise with the change in what is expected for the future, it will take time, reassuring and communication. Which I am sure you know.
Has she been able to communicate her fears/worries about this, so you could work together to build balance? Maybe her spending sme time in the therapy exploring the situation, we generally build things up in our heads when alone.
Amber and I have had the conversation of our limits and what this would look like in the future, if that changes without my involvement, I would be scared as well.
Finding a way to explain your feelings toward your future (as you see it) and what you feel toward SO would be a good first step - maybe a letter? To open the convo.
Sorry for the novel!
Imogen xx
Hi Imogen and also Amber, you seem to be an awesome couple that has worked out a balance of mutual understanding and seems to have enhanced your relationship even more as you have shared through this.
i have not been able to get her to talk about this but I did suggest couples therapy in this current crisis and in past times, she has always refused and feels it is my issue to figure out. I am at a loss to explain my feelings for the future as I am still not clear how I feel fully yet, my therapist is trying and has helped me to start asking myself tough questions going forward. She has also suggested couples or individual therepy to help the situation or refer my wife to her own therapist as well. I did send a letter to my wife after my first therapy to assure her my love and desire to be a better me for her and try and figure out what it is I need going forward. She has not acknowledged the letter. But has made it clear my emotional bank is negative based on many years now and we have been in a codependent relationship versus a loving marriage. She feels I am selfish as male in all our marriage “a taker” she has only been a giver and when I asked if I froze my transition would she be able to continue she said only if I was a much nicer person and followed her now as she has followed me our whole marriage. She needs to come first not Kaydee and that is my focus for now.
i truly thank you for your thoughts and encouragement to see that this can work in a marriage.
Thanks so much for taking time as an SO to reply and share your perspectives.
Kaydee
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m not sure what the answer is but I’m hoping you will work through it.
