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- In generally I am very happy. I achieved so much the last years.
My coming out was with 30 years and nobody had a problem with it. My family was supporting emotionaly and they really give me much.
Even my niece said now she has now a lot cooler aunt than the uncle I was before. I know how happy I can be for such a family, its not normal even it should be normal and not a big deal for other people.Also find a really good Job in the IT and my Team is cool, my transitioning was never a topic. A few asked questions because out of curiousity. I welcome it, so I can explain how it was for me and why it is even a big deal. Most people can not imagine how it is that what you see in the mirror doesnt fit at all what you feel.
Sometimes they messed up my pronouns but not in mean manner, they get just triggered because of my voice and to honest if I hear recordings of myself I understand them very well why this happens.
Luckily I never had a problem with my voice while I am talking to others, its sounds okay and doesn't trigger me. Sure if I could change it with snapping my fingers I would do it but that's another topic and not for now.
I have a nice flat (rent) with a little garden and my neighbours don't bother me or anyone else. We live all peacefully, thats how it should be...
So my way from coming out in a little shared flat and being in the closet to this was really smooth, I should be positive and happy and most time I am. I also worked alot to make that possible and a bit luck.I have social anxiety not that strong where you have to take meds or need therapy, sure sometimes therapy would be good. I had some about other topics and there I found out even some querks are not in a medical spectrum, therapy can help you either. It is about why are you the way you are, learn about yourself, understand yourself and leave it like it is because your are fine with it, controle or change your being. removed link But not only money is needed for that also time and energy but I loosing the thread...
My friends slowly vanished out of my Life without saying why. So basically they ghosted me.
After a few months of my coming out the first one, after the next few months the second and the last of my oldest friend left me one year ago. It was hard at first because I did not understand it, especially not how they did. Not a single Word of anger or out of bitterness, nothing reached me only silence. They just stopped replying of my texts.
At first I was really broken... shattered because I did not get it, understand it but after two years I slowly learn to understand why.
It woulb be much easier for them if I had been a asshole or have no reliability to them, that would make it easy but that was never the case.
I just slowly turned in another person, slowly and steadily without I noticed it. So it was easier for them just let me go. If I have to think about a discussion where you should explain an old friend that he changed so much so I am not able more to identify him anymore. That would be hard, heartbreaking conversation and also tricky that they don't misunderstood me.
Maybe I am looking at this through romantic transfigured glasses and they are just assholes. Not sure but all I wanted to say...
I made my peace with them and accepted it how it is and there is no resentment left in myself. I found new people which I learn to trust again even if trusting somebody is a bit harder as before.
So even for that storyline in my Life I am okay with it, its fine and okay. I am looking back in good manner.Before I end up with the point I have to tell you that I am human which scans always my suroundings. I know most of the time what people talking about (not exactly for sure), if anybody is watching and if they do what are are their intentions.
Sometimes I just move my head in another direction to give them the oppertunity to watch. ninety percent of the time I was right and notice it anyway because of my peripheral vision.
Where are the doors and which corners can be problematic in dangerous situations.
I am not sure why I develope this skills so far which are near to a psychiatric condition in my opinion, my childhood was pretty safe and I felt protected from my parents.
But to be in controle of the situation gives me inner peace and to know way out is not the badest thing, even it is exhausting sometimes to be like that. ( Earbuds also helping to shut down )And than these days coming and hit so hard.
Where all these people fast peeks, this whispering behind hands, these starring on me even if they smile in a good way as our eyes met and the faces they make, sucks out all my energy.
All this things just saying I am tolerated and noticed. I am not a part of "standard", "normal" society. This all things shout in my face "You are different !".
Normally I like to be diffrent because everybody want to be like that and everyone is and thats for good but thats not same which I meant.
You can ask anybody you want without severe impairments: "Do you want to be normal?"
And the great majority will answer "No, I want to be me, special how I am." or "No, who wants to be normal, normal is boring."
But all these little things I mentioned before did not say You are special, they says you are not like us. You are not a part of this society. If it would be normal they would not talk, stare, frown or whatever.
I hate these days where I can not turn that off and yes they are some places where I don't get this feeling all day long.
Thats not the problem, the problem is that it shrinked my options where I felt welcomed and so also my possibilities to meet new people and thats makes the world much smaller as before. I knew all that before I decided to come out but it sucks anyway.These are the days where I hate society, people and myself.
More variety means more possible solution for untold questions!I am sorry for this long post but I think it was necessary to draw a full picture what it means to be queer... and also why some are taking so high risk to pass their identity even if it means operations or anything else its not always because they doing it only for themselves...
The small things in Life make the big the diffrences...
( I hope my englisch is good enough to understand the majority of this article. If I made gross mistakes or someparts are just hard to understand, please let me know I wrote it with anger and its not my mothertongue. )I don't want to end this in so a negative way, this small essay would just misrepresenting my overall positive expirience and my own good vibe setting.
I am pretty positive where society is shifting it not only looks like it is in the right direction. But even we slowly shift in this direction, its slowly and we have to live with these expieriences and the feeling which are growing out of that.
For me, we already in the middle of a beautiful sunrise.
I Wish you all a nice day 🙂
@jessy255 This seems to be a common problem in the community. Acceptance is pretty patchy as far as I can tell, it seems that tolerance is the best that we can expect sometimes. That is not to say that there aren't some wonderful people out there who will embrace the situation without judgement & I hope you can find some (more) of them where you are. I understand the pain of being ghosted by friends, it has happened to me & it does leave you wondering, what did I do? In time you will be able to shrug it off though & just move on with your life.
As for normal, well I have come to realise I'm not & neither is anyone else here. By definition, normal, is what the majority accepts to be the standard. It's fair to say that none of us fit the standard picture but I have no problem with that & I don't feel that anyone should feel pressured to fit in with someone else's point of view on this or any other topic. Being "clocked" is always difficult, it is just an unfortunate part of being who you are & this is why I think passing is such a big thing for me. There are many who think that it's not important & good for them if they have that much confidence but just being able to go about the daily routine unnoticed must be a dream situation.
Overall though it sounds like your experience has been pretty good so I would concentrate on the positives & just try to let the downsides slide by, life is too short to worry about things you can't control.
X
Sasha
@sashabennett
Yes you are right... thats the point sometimes you don't have to choose you can only go on.
And yes passing makes many things just easier... and I also like to pass but I am not completely sure why I want this... for me, because others.... or maybe a bit of both
@jessy255 I hope for you, in the end, if it suits others then that is just the icing on the cake.
@sashabennett Sasha, I’ll agree to disagree with you saying you’re not normal and neither is anyone else here. Maybe you don’t consider yourself normal - but I know I’m as normal as the next person. Am I not normal just because I’m a member of CDH? I don’t think that’s the case as I’ve met friends on here that I consider as “normal” as me.
Do my friends on here participate in hobbies or activities that not everyone likes, understands or approves of? Sure. But I don’t partake in a wide variety of hobbies and activities that a lot of people I know participate in - but that doesn’t make me think they’re abnormal because they like those things and I don’t.
We girls on here should stop beating ourselves up over any of our feminine desires and actions. There’s nothing that is accepted universally by everybody everywhere. Not one thing.
I hadn’t crossdressed in over 25 years before I resumed one month ago. Was I normal before I started again? Yes, I was. Am I normal now that I’ve resumed my hobby? Yes I am. I have a sister in law who is openly gay. Do I see her as normal? Yes I do. So it’s really all in how you look at things.
We belong to a very select group of people here on CDH. A unique “niche” in normal society. That’s what I find so refreshing about it.
GP
@gracepal Beautifully put Grace. I find it a privilege to be part of this group. My wife is a bit obsessed with the word normal. My view is there are about eight billion types of normal in this world xx.
@gracepal Well, there's 2 things here to discuss. Firstly & most importantly I'm definitely not beating myself or anyone else up here. I find this lifestyle both fulfilling & enjoyable. It's not for everyone & I enjoy being, lets say, special shall we. I never said or meant abnormal, I would consider that to be a derogatory term in this context which I would never endorse or choose to employ.
Secondly, how do you define normal? I used the "dictionary" definition of the term & i will stand by that. If we are to include everything within the definition then it becomes a meaningless word. I would say that my desire to wear women's clothing is not by any stretch what would be considered normal by most people. In other areas of life I'm as normal as the next guy but in the dressing department, not so much. If you find that tag doesn't sit well with your self image then that's fine. I welcome that people have different opinions, it keeps things interesting. As you say, we inhabit a unique niche in society & I for one am happy to do so & am happy to share it with other special people.
@sashabennett Upon rereading my post I should have left out the part about girls beating themselves up on here. There really isn’t a lot of that. Most of what I read on CDH is we are all pretty well adjusted to our crossdressing within the challenges and limits of our abilities to do so.
As for defining normal, I’m not sure I can. I suppose it depends on what dictionary you consult on what day. I took exception to your statement of “As for normal, well I’ve come to realize that I’m not and neither is anyone else here.” Well I’m on here. And I do consider myself to be pretty normal. The way I would say that is: “As for normal, I won’t tell you what’s normal so you don’t need to tell me.” As long as it’s a legal activity there’s my definition of normal. So we disagree in the definition.
We do agree that different opinions keep things interesting on CDH. I want to hear a variety of viewpoints. No one has all the right answers and my mind can be changed - (and has been since I’ve joined CDH) It’s all good stuff😊
GP
@gracepal
I think you misunderstood me... My point was how other people see me or you. I also think I am pretty normal that isn't my point. My point is the journey on a bad day and the impression you make and the reaction you get.. That has nothing to do with my view on the situation. ( perhabs my bad englisch was the point of failure here )
So the point is how people treat you and interact with you.
And for sure it is good to have as many opinions as we can handle.... 🙂
Wish you a nice day
@sashabennett
Maybe I make a mistake how I wrote that article. My intentions was how I feel and response to me... I would never say I am abnormal, that was point. Sometimes you don't have the barrier the shield you need to have the distance you need to other people.
If you go daily to work and you notice how people talk about you... this influence you if you want it or not and often it is not that nice, sadly.
So for me its completely normal if men like to wear skirts... I think its hot.
@sashabennett
To describe normal is not possible. As soon we watch in diffrent culture we immediatley will notice that our description of normal is false for them. So it is not possible to desciribe it.
I wrote about my Life ( not daily... the bad days ) and how people interact with me and how I feel the backslash of it.... If you drive to work daily you notice over time many people and how they talk about you... you see them, sometimes hear them... and thats what I mirrored here.
I am very happy how I am. Yes sometimes it can be hard but in general I live a good and special life but I don't make it special.... it is special because other people decide it that is special, I feel nothing else than anybody else do... I eat the same, do my work as everybody else... what makes it special... nothing. Just the views of other people...
@gracepalcepal My point was how other people make me feel. I feel normal and I know I am normal. I can not change why people look at me and talk about me.... But sometimes it effects me.
Diversity is something everybody are profits.... more impressions = more possiblities. For me its definetly a good thing.
@jessy255 Hey Jessica, I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles honey. I'm at a different stage of my journey and couldn't imagine coming out to anyone so kudos to you girl. Have you thought about trying to find some local girls to share your feminine side with? The friend finder here might turn something up:
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/friends/
Or perhaps there are some trans friendly groups locally. It seems you really need some company. Whilst that may not be easy IRL, rest assured that you are valued here. We have your back. Please continue to share. You will receive so much support and validation from the girls here.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
@chrisfp99
You are so nice thx... and yes I have a community and everything, I just wanted to mention this really bad days and what really bothers me..
I have a really good job, lovely family, good friends and most of the time I am really happy and in a good mood but I want to share these bad days and what happens in me these days.
@jessy255 A problem shared is a problem halved Jessica. You are very welcome to vent here hun xx.
@jessy255 hi Jessica, you did very well in getting your story and feelings out there. I hope tell that was therapeutic for you.
I think sometimes we mistake indifference to our Cd selves for rejection. I just communicated with my therapist that in my family dealings, both with my kids and my brothers, that my presentation as Cassie is often not mentioned at all. We are just conversing as normal even if I am wearing a dress and full makeup.
Good luck. Cassie
@loneleycd
I think it was a bit... I even saved it which I had never done before.
and yes this can be sometimes be true.
thank you
Just this ! Well said, Cassie. It will be my thought for the day 😉
@jessy255 Hi Jessica - I feel compelled to address a portion of your post here…where you got ghosted by your friends incrementally over a period of time.
This relatively new phenomenon of “ghosting” people by just cutting them off from communication completely is nothing new. I think it’s just more obvious today due to our digital world. It’s easier now for people to send their soon to be cut off “friends” - the message of: “I’m done with you, figure it out.” And they leave you to wonder what in the hell it was that you did to them to cause it.
And you know what? They weren’t friends to begin with. No need to blame yourself, we all misjudge people. This happened to me recently with a couple we had known for 3 years. People whom we had spent at least 4 holidays with for crying out loud. Suddenly, nothing. It caused some emotional distress. But once we sorted it out, we were okay. We had sort of sacrificed some of our beliefs and overlooked some things in order to get along and keep the peace with them and that was bothersome. Plus they had a history of this with numerous other people. So we had kind of figured out that it was only a matter of time before we violated some boundary that only they know about. I can honestly say that our life is so much better now that they’re gone from it. So there’s always a silver lining to every situation when you think about it. When people ask me if I’ve talked to them since they severed the relationship I always say, “No, but it could be worse. We could still be friends.” And I mean that sincerely.
I wish you well in your journey.
GP
@gracepal
Well said... Yes, it was hard to make this expirience alone but has you mentioned it could be worse. I could be a friend from these people and no this wouldn't be nice.
I think it was a lesson I have to learn. People come and go in our Life and some can change things for ourslef in a good way even it wasn't the best and nicest way to learn it 😀
@jessy225 Thank you for sharing that (and your English is far better than my German, so don't worry 😉 )
I can understand that it feels isolating and burdensome having your friends slowly extract themselves from your life, but as I always state here - Someone's reaction to you says everything about them and nothing about you. If they distanced themselves from you it could mean that they're uncomfortable or that they don't understand or that they're not accepting. It does not mean that you made them uncomfortable or that you didn't make them understand or that you insisted they accept you.
You're fine just doing you. There are people out there that will make much better friends for the person you are instead of the person you were. Find them. Make it a small personal goal if you feel it's needed, but live steadfast in the belief that you are living the life you want and do not surrender that power to anyone else.
Hugs, Melodee ❤️
@melodeescarlet Hy Melodee, that what I meant but understanding that was not easy if they don't reply anymore. Its okay that the Life will seperate you from old friends, sometimes you need a new path and some should be walked alone. And on this new way you can find new people.
Jessica,
Thank you very much for your deep and thoughtful post. You make some observations about life that apply to just about anyone who is prepared to look into themselves. Why does 'moving on' involve losing friends? Because it often does.
What is 'normal' ? Is it my normal, or someone else's normal ? If I want to stay friends with people am I prepared to accept their 'normal' to maintain that friendship? The same apples to them in reverse.
Luckily life is not always so black and white, and humans can be quite good at compromise, or sometimes able to suspend belief, and ignore expectations. And sadly sometimes not.
I'm thinking of that old saying "is a glass half full, or is it half empty?'. The way it's asked, you are expected to answer one option or the other, when the obvious answer is "it's both". I love your positive ending. You see the full picture.
Emma xxx
@emmat
Yes exactly sometimes Life has other plans and it is up to us to take it one way or another.
With the second part, how people look at me, interact or whatever... is something I still struggle sometimes but thats okay its not easy to stay on a stage and being in good mood all the time.
And thank you for your kind words 🙂
Thank you for an honest and open post.
It is sad when old friends stop contact but as your life has changed so perhaps has theirs, commonality has drifted and lives move on. Is it because you are trans or is another reason, we will never know, we move on.
Interactions with people is always an issue when out and about. It appears your colleagues embrace you and others too. Outside of safe zones you never know and it is common to misinterpret what people are thinking and making assumptions when someone glances at you or what they maybe saying. I went through all of that but realise if any interaction went without issue and no one called me out everything was fine. In truth the fears were unreal and putting that to the back of the mind made getting around a breeze. Even if there are those thoughts it doesn't matter.
Settling into a new image is difficult but by positive thinking and building self confidence you will blossom. There's a lot of positive in your message so build on that and not the negative.
It's your life not others and as you move forward new friends will be made who will love you for the person you are.
@ab123
Yes we move on, but I am pretty sure it is not about being trans anymore. I believe it is because I changed to much to fast... and to have this feeling to "know" that is a good one
And thank you for your carring words. It was really nice to read it. thx. :*
