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I had an unexpected situation today. My wife and I were visiting my mother. (My wife knows I crossdress, well basically only underdress… my 85 year old mother knows nothing… I assume). Anyway, my mother starts telling us about this neighborhood girl I knew growing up. She is married for the second time but has many issues (obesity, other health issues, possibly mental health issues/hoarder). Very sorry for her situation but here is where it gets dicey.
The woman is married to a man who now crossdresses and “insists on being called Jennifer”. My mother enjoys tragic gossip about others a little too much and lets just say her political leanings aren’t in the direction of being empathic or accepting of diversity. So she was appalled that this man acts this way. Well, appalled is way too strong a term. Our family never emotes that much but clearly it was no acceptable. The woman’s mother refuses to let Jennifer into her house.
Long story long, there I was, knowing nothing about this “sister” in CD but seeing how she was being treated and talked about by my mother. Jennifer could be suffering from all sorts of problems but crossdressing and dealing with her gender presentation shouldn’t be seen as one of them.
I could have said something. I could have sent a message to my wife on how I feel about this. I could have pushed back on my mother’s polite nastiness. I’m ashamed that I did not. Given the opportunity again, I don’t know if I would get past my own fear and speak up or stay silent again.
Has anyone had that sort of chance to stick up for a CD to others who don’t know you are a CD?
@meganfachs Yes I always try to stick in my opinion if somebody is being outright hostile or against what we do. Even if somebody says it isn’t right I try to ask them ‘why?’ they think it isn’t right. Or drop in a comment like ‘live and let live, why should it matter how somebody dresses?’ I however totally get your reluctance to speak up to your mother who does not know you support this issue. Often we have to tip toe around family’s feelings.
B x
@meganfachs Hi Megan- I recently visited my mother and we were watching a TV show that had a trans woman on it. My Mother is also not accepting and a gossiper that has political views not accepting! She made the statement she would never accept someone like that. Not in her family. I just sat there; my wife looked at me with that look "Don't say anything." My wife knows I cross-dress and is accepting to a point. My Mother is in her 90's so I let it go. I do wish I had the strength to say something. I did finally say that she wasn't hurting anyone. And she should live her life. No more was said. I am sure we have all lived with statements like this. Either at work or just general life. It's tough to deal with some time.
@meganfachs I have and my approach is to just say to each its own. If asked whether or not it bothers me, my answer is no. It doesn't affect me. I'm a believer that we, or people in general are just wired to be one way or another from birth. Why are some people left handed and others right handed for example. That's just the way that nature made them.
Hi Megan
Unfortunately a lot of the older generation are like this it's all they have known throughout there life, it isn't the social norm that people were raised back in her day. Luckily we now live a life where the younger generation are more open minded and accepting, you don't need to disagree with family on this matter it's all they knew. I always take the view when somebody has views like this I say "each to their own" it's not an issue for me.
Sarah xx
@meganfachs My dad, whom I love more than anyone other than my son and my wife, still has a problem with men wearing earrings. He doesn’t care if men are gay, he even has gay friends, but earrings are going to far. He mentioned this again two years ago as a young man (20’s I’d guess) walked by us as we sat in my car. I don’t believe he could handle knowing his favorite son LOVES to dress as a woman, so I didn’t mention it. Instead, I said that as long as people aren’t hurting others, especially children, then I don’t care about such things. And that’s the truth.
Will I ever tell him and my mom who has similar views? Possibly but I doubt it. My son? Less likely but not absolutely impossible. My parents are otherwise fairly tolerant people, but my son, whose maternal grandfather is his ultimate male role model, is very close minded to such people. Maybe he’ll grow up someday and realize we’re not hurting anyone, and I hope all people including our parents reach that level of maturity very soon.
Hugs, Jill
Yes, I've had a similar situation happen. I did say most of the things you had in your last paragraph, and encouraging the person that was on the attack that different people deal with life's issues in many different ways. They did agree that there are different ways to cope and it seemed to settle them down. I didn't out myself and still struggle with that with most of my family. Maybe someday.
I try to leverage my knowledge of what it's like to seek acceptance when encountering ignorance among others, if not outright rejection.
When explained or defended by someone who appears to have no stake in the situation.
I have done this with some more...'masculine' friends when they came down hard on trans kids. Not in an attempt to convince anyone, but more from a position of, "have you considered this?"
Hopefully enough to make at least one of them reconsider. :/
@melodeescarlet A few years ago while working a part time security job for a music venue in Tempe Arizona[a very liberal minded city},two of the concert customers happened to walk past my boss and I and my boss remarked "Is that a ######guy?" I replied "Probably""Whats the difference?"He never knew about me crossdressing.After a few more comments I said to him"Would you love your son less if he told you he wants to wear dresses and skirts?"My uptight ,very opinionated boss said "I would not".I replied "So what is your problem".He then said "I am leaving to check on some other sites and officers."We finished the job without him and myself and my crew had a great time with the departing concert customers.
I've not been in that situation yet, it sounds really tough. In the course of my work, I advocate for transgender youth and feel comfortable doing so, but outside of work I'd feel much more vulnerable. I like to think I'd do the right thing...?
Many times, many issues, many people.
Always kept quiet. Leopard - spots... you know the deal.
Thanks, girls. Some good techniques there. It really is all part of my mother’s personality and prejudices. In the same lunch another extended family member came up: a second cousin to me. One of five kids of my cousin he’s had issues with drug use, but a few years ago seemed to get himself in a better place, job at a bank, married, one child. Well I guess that fell apart in the last couple years, back on drugs of some sort, divorced and not coming to family gatherings. To my mother he was clearly at fault for using drugs and deserved whatever misery he is in. My wife, bless her, pushed back wondering if he had mental health issues, bipolar, etc. Turns out (all info filtered through my mother) that yes maybe they knew he was bipolar but if he stopped taking his meds… again his fault. I have a hard time with the pull themselves up by their bootstraps attitude for people who have no boots. But I digress. Just an example of my wife doing the right thing and maaaybe getting my Mom to not jump to her preferred conclusions.
I grew up a punk rock kid.. so I've always just kind of rejected the idea of normal and I've never been afraid to state my opinions and call people out who are trying to dehumanize others. It's often hard to change people's minds, but you could give them something to think about that may give them a different perspective of the situation. I remember one day my mother had a pretty hard take on trans issues (my stepdad ALWAYS has Fox News on) because of the whole Dylan Mulvaney/Bud Light controversy. I let her know that a girl I previously dated, who she had met and had been in her house, was trans. She was kinda shocked at first but her tone on what she was saying before changed instantly.
Some attitudes are ingrained and near impossible to change, especially when that person has had a lifetime of conditioning living in a self sustaining bubble with like minds and influence around them. They refuse to see it from another perspective, unless they experience it in a personal sense and the impact is an epiphany, a change of understanding.
Those like your grandmother are perhaps less likely to change and we have to endure these comments. If your grandmother needed help in an emergency would she stop Jennifer helping out if no one else was around?
They are only comments after all, it is if someone did that in public and with hate then perhaps I would intervene and in this day and age there will be others who would confront.
I doubt there are those within this group that doesn't have a negative thought about something they don't like or agree with but maintain a mantra of Live and let live and get on with life, there are far more important things to worry about..
Hi Megan,
In the circles I travel, yes, there are still a few people who do not know I am a CD, and I still on rare occasions will hear negative remarks about trans and/or CD persons. I do not hesitate to speak up and question the commenting person's motives or reasoning for making such remarks. In virtually all cases, the world has moved on and passed these people by a long time ago.
