Notifications
Clear all

Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.

Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.

Still alive to tell the tale

39 Posts
18 Users
164 Reactions
473 Views
Posts: 1446
Topic starter
(@finallyfiona)
    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

Hi ladies,

Thank you to all you lovely girls who responded to my Three Days of Heaven threads with such kind messages of support. 

As you may recall, the enormity of what I'd done in the second part suddenly caught up with me.  Particularly that it all just felt so right, so natural.  Up till then in my head, in my usual compartmentalised and somewhat emotionally disconnected fashion, I'd always just been "playing girl".  Now the penny dropped - I am as valid and as comfortable in my presentation as Fiona, as I am in my male presentation.  There isn't just a man in my personality, there's a woman as well.  I realise that I am actually in some way transgender.  At the moment I am working with 'bi-gender' as the area of that realm in which I sit, but that may change over time and with further understanding.  

This hasn't been without impact on those I love.  I could no longer hide Fiona and came out to my OH on Friday - with absolute irony, just before we went out to a gender-reveal party.  I caused a lot of hurt and a big mess in our relationship.  We are no longer engaged because she will (as I suspected) not be able to tolerate me presenting to her as anything other than my male self, so I can no longer commit to marrying her.  There has been rather an Atmosphere (fully deserving of the capital letter) between us in the last couple of days.  That said, I have made it clear that I want us to salvage what we can from the mess. 

To that end, today I have effectively suggested that we might be able to move forward and function in a DADT situation, where I get by on just enough Fiona time to satisfy the absolute need, but it's only done thanks to a lack of outright disapproval as her part of the compromise, and out of her sight.  However, first I am going to go deeper into Fiona and live 24/7 as far as possible at my place for a while, once we've had the holiday in May that we'd already booked and paid for.  Then I will work backwards to try and find where the balance point for me of male and Fiona time might be.  So the plan goes, anyway.  The strained relations between us have now thawed to some extent, although she still has a lot to process and there's a long long way to go if we can ever get our life together back on track.

Today I have also composed and sent a long email where I have come out to my parents and my sister and told them how it all came about and the upshot thus far.  There we go, Fiona is out there in the world, I have openly acknowledged both aspects of myself to those closest to me. But where the New Normal lies, still remains to be determined. 

Hugs to all 🤗 
Fiona xxx

Reply
38 Replies
16 Replies
Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 2167

@finallyfiona 

Oh, dearest Fiona, how I wish this had gone better for you. However, we have to deal with life as it is, not how we wish it to be and you have shown such courage in doing exactly that.

This is the risk we take in sharing ourselves fully with others generally but far more so with those we love. Melodee nails it when she notes that we have had years to explore our feelings about what we do and we KNOW who we are. I think a huge part of what our SO's have to deal with is the very natural feeling that they DON'T KNOW who we are. Or, more accurately, DIDN'T until now. In my case, I now give much more thought to what my wife might need to hear (as opposed to giving it little to no thought before Allie got out).

Whatever happens, know that we are here for you and care about you.

Hugs 

Allie x

Ps, you know you can pm me if you need/want to talk more.

 

Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@alexina Thank you Allie * huge hugs * 

Good point about the self-experience time and exactly right about 'until now' 🙂 That level of compassion is a lovely feminine trait to have, I hope I can develop that!

Thank you also for the offer of a conversation.  I might just take you up on that, but first I'm talking to my parents on the phone in a while, for the first time as Fiona 😊 🤗 

Reply
Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3998

@finallyfiona While this is obviously a huge step for you two, remember that you don't have to try to figure it all out on your own. Since there is now some sort of gulf between you now, why not let a professional help you navigate through things? This could be a couple's therapist or do it separately, but it sounds as if you both would benefit from councilling.

Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@harriette We've built a lot of emotional bridges today, if anything we're more open with our feelings towards each other than we have been in quite a while.  But I have indeed been advised to think about counselling, I do intend to discuss it with her when I get back tomorrow evening.  Thank you for bringing it up also hon 🙂

Reply
Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3998

@finallyfiona There are times when I figure that a couple can handle things mentioned here. Then there some conditions that lead me to thinking councilling would help things develop more healthfully. It's all based on good communication or the lack of it.

Reply
Duchess
(@michellemybell)
Joined: 3 years ago

Noble Member     Clearwater, Florida, United States of America
Posts: 605

@finallyfiona Hi Fiona, as others have said I truly admire your honesty and bravely.  When my wife and I were engaged many, many years ago I was young and thought I could stop crossdressing once we were married so I kept it a secret.  Had I told her and not promised to stop I think it would have gone about the same way as your relationship is progressing.  When she discovered my secret about 4 years into our marriage she loved me very much and tried her best to accept it but it was a huge turn off for her.  So, for most of our 55 years of marriage we did a DADT relationship and that worked fine for both of us.  Obviously, I would have liked more Michelle time but I loved my wife enough to compromise just as she did.  About 3 years ago her health took a turn for the worse and she no longer left the house without me very often and the DADT no longer worked for me.  We sat down and talked and I now do some very limited dressing in her presence which has helped but as we have tried to explore what she can tolerate, it has been very difficult for her and the tears and anger have been hard an me as well. The one thing that has gotten us this far together is our love for each other and from what you have written I believe the love you both share will get you to a place where you can both be happy.  It won''t be perfect but what relationship ever is?   We are all here for you and willing to do whatever we can to help.  Hugs, Michelle

Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@michellemybell Thank you honey, that means a lot 🙂  I'm so pleased things have worked to a really deep level for you and your wife even in DADT 🤗 We have hope for the future again now.  It's a long road but it'll be such a worthwhile journey if we can both arrive at the same destination 🙂

Fiona xxx

Reply
Managing Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 2 years ago

Majestic Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5182

@finallyfiona 

Hi my lovely

I read your post this morning but I’ve held off replying since I didn’t quite know what to say. I didn’t just want to dash off a quick response.

I’ve been quite affected by what you wrote all day.

I came out to my Mum and my sister last summer. After a lifetime of hiding my true self, it was terrifying.

I was with my ex for 15 years. I would never even have contemplated telling her about Ellie. I know EXACTLY how that conversation would have gone, and so I avoided it. We split up 16 years ago, over issues that weren’t CD related. It’s only since then that I’ve come to realise who I actually am, and to embrace it.

However, even if I’d realised that I was trans when we were together I still don’t think that I would have EVER had the courage to tell her. I’ve said this before on the Forums, so this won’t be news; it was a very controlling relationship. I didn’t ever dare put a foot out of line. I’ve changed a lot since then, and CDH has been a big part of that. I'm not proud of how I always just caved in back then; I want to go back and give myself a damn good talking to 🙁

I know your situation is very different, but even so I think it’s incredibly courageous to do what you did. I think you’ve been absolutely honourable.

You’ve been true to yourself, and you’ve been honest with her. What will be will be, but you can absolutely hold your head up high.

And coming out to your family … go girl!

You’ve taken Robert Frost’s road less travelled, and I love you for it.

Melodee's response is, as always, exceptionally well thought-out.

BTW, SPOILER ALERT: finding the balance point between male me and Ellie ended up with the realisation that it was pretty much 0:100, but everyone's different 😊

Other totally wonderful people have of course offered, but if you need to talk then I’m here too.

Massive hugs

Ellie x

Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@ellyd22 Ellie, you validate me so much, your words are so lovely to read * huge hugs * 🤗 🤗 🤗 

I don't know whether to hope I'm different from you or not girl 😉 

I would like to PM you if that's OK.  I feel I could learn a lot from you in terms of what it is to be trans, that might guide me in navigating the coming months.  Thank you for being there honey 🙂

Fiona xxx

Reply
Managing Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 2 years ago

Majestic Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5182

@finallyfiona

LOL.

Being like me isn't so bad 🙂

(Don't worry ... I'm teasing 🙂 )

But there's LOTS of in betweens.

Fiona ... you can PM me whenever you want. I'll always have time for you.

Big hugs

Ellie x

 

Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@ellyd22

Give Love  

Reply
Managing Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 2 years ago

Majestic Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5182
Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 596

@finallyfiona 

Dear Fiona, like others here I do so wish it had gone better for you. However, I totally believe you did the right thing (morally, personally and out of real love) in coming out to your OH. Many words of wisdom and sage advice have been offered here by others, and I don't think I can add to it. However I particularly endorse what Olivia Crighton wrote; it echoes the approach I have taken. I have always focussed on being the same person my wife married, and I try to be sensitive to her ups and downs so that I don't "push" CD activities at the wrong times.

Be patient and give it time. When with your OH, consistently be the same man she has always known.

Hugs, Rebecca xxx

PS: You know I am here for you if there is anything I can do to help.

Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@fembecky Thank you Rebecca 🙂  I hope through Fiona's influence to show myself to be a better man than she may have known for some while.  I'm hopeful this will actually end up being the making of us.

Hugs,
Fiona xxx

Reply
Lady
(@sashabennett)
Joined: 1 year ago

Noble Member     Wick, Caithness, United Kingdom
Posts: 801

@finallyfiona Hi Fiona, I am sorry to hear that things didn't work out as well as you had hoped but honesty in a relationship has to be paramount. It must be hard to take for both of you & it must have been a shock to your other half to find out about Fiona. Perhaps with time she will realise that you are still the same person that she fell in love with & this is just another part of what makes you, you. 

Realising where you are in yourself is a good thing though, it takes a weight off you & even if it causes other issues at least you can move on with Fiona time with some clarity. I really hope that your family can accept things as some local support sounds like it would be welcome. But, as always you will have all of our love & support here.

X

Sasha

Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@sashabennett Thank you *hugs*  I don't know if you have seen my replies to some of the other girls on this thread, but while it's understandably far from all smooth between us at the moment, certain realisations about the significance of what my OH has agreed to in terms of what is going to happen in the next several months, now give me quiet hope for our future together.  It's early days with my family as yet, but nothing negative so far.  I'll know more on both fronts as time progresses.

Fiona xxx

Reply
Posts: 1045
Managing Ambassador
(@melodeescarlet)
Famed Member     DC/Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

That's a very big step and not an easy decision, Fiona. I applaud your bravery!

As for your OH, my advice would be to give it time. You did not create a big mess, you were honest and gave her information she should have. Her reaction to that is hers to have. What you've been dealing with for ages, she's been dealing with for days. She is not going to be able to digest all of that nor what she thinks it may mean. I would touch base in a few days, make an offer to be as transparent as you can. Perhaps she knows someone who had an OH tell them this and their situation went sideways and that's her fear. Be patient with her as clearly you found her important enough to propose to. 🙂

We're here for you regardless. [[hug]]

- M

Reply
1 Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@melodeescarlet I've been reading praise for your reply all the way down the thread so far, so I've been looking forward to getting here ... and I'm not disappointed! 🙂 

We are staying together for now, we have a holiday in 6 weeks all booked and paid for which I hope will prove to us that there's still everything to fight for.  I do know she did have a friend through church, whose husband transitioned completely and worked as a plumber until she died.  I might ask her more about that.  Thank you 🙂

 

Reply
Posts: 1709
Baroness
(@chrisfp99)
Famed Member     London , Kent, United Kingdom
Joined: 2 years ago

Oh Fiona, you have been so brave. I'm sorry that the initial outcome has not gone as well as you might have hoped. Of course your OH will need time to process the reveal, so I would think taking things slowly is the order of the day for now. I so hope it all works out for you in time. I am personally nowhere near this level of honesty to my girly side.

Hugs, Chrissie xx. 

Reply
1 Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@chrisfp99 I'm completely embracing my feminine side, it just seems absolutely the right thing to do 🙂  What's a little worrying is that I don't normally have this level of instinct.  Or of confidence, for that matter.  I'm hopeful for the future though.

Hugs,
Fiona xxx

Reply
Posts: 283
Lady
(@carlafirst11)
Honorable Member     So. California , California, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Hi Fiona, all I can say and hope is that everything works out for you and all the people surrounding you. I believe family is important and we all need someone in our live, best to you and your love ones.

 

 

Reply
1 Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@carlafirst11 Thank you my dear * hugs *

Fiona xxx

Reply
Posts: 747
(@christineth)
Noble Member     Brussels, Brabant, Belgium
Joined: 2 years ago

Fiona, 

as the other girls have mentioned, what you have done has been a big and brave steps.  Well done for being honest with yourself and to your loved ones.  I sincerely hope it works out well.  What Melodee said is really correct, those you have told have had only a short time to think about what you have told them, while you have had a lifetime.  So be patient with them and empathise with them.  And as you say, you will need to find where the correct balance is.

all the very best of luck going forward.

hugs

Christine

Reply
1 Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@christineth If you consider my lifetime is about 2½ years so far, don't forget ... rather a late bloomer, me 🙂  Thanks honey *hugs*

Fiona xxx

Reply
Posts: 1224
Duchess
(@reallylauren)
Noble Member     Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
Joined: 3 years ago

Hi Fiona, I have walked the steps you have just taken, and yes, it was quite hard, but absolutely necessary!  The news of my coming out as transgender was sent to all friends and family, some have been accepting and others I haven't heard from since.  I then announced I was transitioning and would be living and working as a woman.

As for my spouse, she had already sensed that I had a feminine side and wasn't completely blind sided. She said she needed some time and suggested that I needed to find my own place. She actually helped me move, she also helped pick out clothes, wigs and makeup, even wanted to see what bras I had bought. The day we moved me into my new place, she came in and checked everything out, and at the door gave me a tear filled hug and said it was really hard. That same night she called to see how I was doing, and we've talked with each other almost every day. A year later we started getting together, I had transitioned and had been living as a woman and she was okay being with me as Lauren. This continues to be our relationship.

So I share this with you to give you some hope.  Hope that given some time, things can work out for both of you, and Fiona can live the life she has always desired.     

Hugs girl,

Ms. Lauren M                   

Reply
1 Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@reallylauren That's such a lovely thing to read Lauren, your spouse is a wonderful soul.  Maybe if I can be the wonderful person to my OH she can see why I'm the real me 🙂  Thank you *hugs*

Reply
Posts: 1004
Ambassador
(@lucyb112)
Noble Member     Staffordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 2 years ago

Hi Fiona.

I think quite a few of us here have been on tenterhooks waiting to hear the outcome of Friday.

The enormity of it all catching up with you is something a lot of us will understand. I thought it was just a very small part of me until really quite recently, but now know for certain that Lucy is actually real.

I can fully understand why you wanted to be upfront with your OH at this stage of your relationship, and you’ve been very open and honest. Ultimately, whatever the eventual outcome of all this, I suspect that your OH will always be thankful for that, even if she never actually comes out and says it.

As others have said, patience is the thing now. It’s a very big thing for you to come out, but it’s a massive piece of news for her.

I really hope you get an outcome that you’re both happy with.

Whatever happens, you know that we’re here for you, and that you’re not alone.

Hugs

Lucy x

 

Reply
1 Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@lucyb112 Lucy thank you dear, and it feels wonderful being supported by all of you lovely girls on here.  You give me wings 🙂

Fiona xxx

Reply
Posts: 1282
(@rebeccabaxter)
    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

My, my, brave girl, and to come out to your parents and sister at almost the same time (they were bound to find out anyway) must have been a tremendously stressful thing to have to do; I hope it goes better with them. Well, it's done now and things will take whatever course they will and, for now, you are probaby just a passenger. One way or another, given enough time, it will all settle down and you will be free to pursue your chosen path, although it is probably not going to be easy for a long time. IMHO it was certainly the best thing to do to tell her before you got married otherwise you would have had to live a lie forever or risk much greater ramifications on coming out further down the line.

 

Well done and good luck with your family and your future as Fiona.

 

Big hugs

 

Becca

 

xxxx

 

 

Reply
1 Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@rebeccabaxter Thank you Becca 🙂  It really feels good to have got it all off my chest now.  Of course, that's put it all on the chests of those around me.  But I think in the long run it will indeed prove to have been the better action.

* Hugs *

Reply
Posts: 316
(@oliviac)
Prominent Member     Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Joined: 1 year ago

Oh Fiona you brave brave girl. I do wish things had gone better but as the other girls here have said it will take some time for her to digest what you have told her. When I went through what you are going through about 10 years ago I was given two pieces of advice by my psych that looking back were crucial to us continuing our relationship and now being closer than ever. Firstly not to stop being her man and doing the things for her that you always did for her that made her fall in love with you. Secondly to make sure she knows you are the same person that she fell in love with. There is an additional part to you she didn't know about, but you are still the exact same person as the one she wants to marry.

I wish you all the best Fiona and truly hope you can work things out. Will be thinking of you.

Hugs

Olivia

Reply
1 Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@oliviac You are so right Olivia.  I have to show her who Fiona lets me be to her, then she will know Fiona properly.  Thank you 🙂

Reply
Posts: 245
Guest
(@Anonymous 95235)
Estimable Member
Joined: 11 months ago

Dearest Fiona , your honesty and courage in your message has touched so many and I can't think what to add to the messages of love and support your many friends have already put into words. I truly hope things work out but you must be true to yourself, I know that sounds corny but if Fiona is more than just dressing its a big stiletto step forward. We are all there on that journey for you xx

Reply
1 Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@samanthaxxxx I realised on Thursday, surely 'just dressing' can't feel this real can it?  It's that more than anything which is driving me right now.

Hugs
Fiona xxx

Reply
Posts: 55
(@wend77)
Trusted Member     isle of wight, Isle of Wight, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

Hi Fiona.

what can I say that other girls haven’t, I just wish that your situation resolves itself amicably, I really mean I do feel for you, I can’t say that I have had to do the same as my wife is so supportive. 
Wendy

Reply
1 Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@wend77 *hugs* thank you honey 🙂

Reply
Posts: 445
Lady
(@andreauk)
Honorable Member     CAMBRIDGE, Cambridgeshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 7 years ago

Hi Fiona, well that really is a massive step you have taken! Whatever happens I think it is probably the right move to make because being true to yourself is the only way to go. Living a lie just will not work in the long term. Having said that, your partner needs time, it is probably a massive shock to her and it will take her a while to process it. Don't forget you have been living with this for a long time you can't expect her to get to grips with it straight away. Effectively ending the relationship is not going to help either. But there is hope, there is always hope and you might be able to sort something out. You need to consider her needs and wishes, but you also need to remember your needs, don't sign up for something you cant keep to as it will only end in disaster. I wish you the very best of luck, hopefully a resolution is possible, but it might take some time, try not to rush her. Having said all of that, go out and be the real person you have always wanted to be and enjoy being Fiona.........

Reply
1 Reply
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1446

@andreauk Thank you 🙂  Absolutely sound advice.  I do have very positive hopes for the future though - hopefully together, but really, in whichever direction it ends up going.

Fiona xxx

Reply

©[current-year] Crossdresser Heaven | Privacy Terms of Use | Link to usContact Vanessa | Advertise with Crossdresser Heaven

 
[kleo_social_icons]
Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!