Suppression strategies

It's a struggle many of us have gone through. Stuff I've tried was prayer, not buying items, focusing on other things, saw a sex therapist (helped me accept who I am & work with my wife to findy a healthy solution).

One thing that has kept "it at bay" in a healthy way was acceptance/dressing. This included having a conservation with my wife to look at appropriate boundaries that allowed for it.

Honesty with myself also helped a lot. Suppression always made it worse. It contributed to me being a worse husband, dad, me & worsened my depression. Dressing helped me become a better dad, husband, me. Has helped with the depression. I have a beard, neck up looks kinda ridiculous in a dress at times sure, but the reality of my suppression was far more ridiculous looking back at it.

One perspective I've come to fall back on at times is its impact on my depression. When I get sick I can begin to have suicidal thoughts among other symptoms. Lining up the symptoms of my depression: loss of energy, Suicidal thoughts, shame, brain fog, agitation I can say I lets have this (feel tempting at times) or a bit of cross dressing and feel better (honest assessment), not doing so doesn't make a lot of sense.

Hope you can find the support you need,

Sivvi

What a great subject, and kudos for acknowledging that there's a down side.

Suppression... While I've tried many different tactics over the years, it's worth putting it out there that, if she's in there and she's part of your being, they don't work. At best they act as a temporary remission until you ether a) give in and dress again, or b) seek help to accept it.

That being written, aside from the mandatory purge, my tactics WERE 1) hitting the gym to gain lots of mass (that's not a femme look at all), 2) emotionally detach (being cold and emotionally unavailable is not a femme trait), 3) engage in lots of 'manly' activities (obvious), 4) distraction through spending £$£$ (this was the trouble one).

In essence, I rigorously pursued the masc side of me, hoping that it would squeeze out any space I had for the femme. When she came calling, which she always did, I just pursued it harder until the inevitable point came when she wouldn't be ignored any longer 🙋🏻

I am no longer suppressing Didi, things are so much better now - life's good.

Didi💋

Thank you so much for starting this conversation and laying it bare like this, Stephanie.

If you feel the need (and I believe that self-expression is a basic human need, like food and shelter), then you need an outlet, or you become a kind of pressure cooker with no valve - and that's not going to go well.

So, my "valve" is to book a hotel somewhere away from my normal locality, and dress as full-on as I want.

I choose Brighton in the UK, because it has a reputation for being a totally accepting city, and my experiences have been exactly that.

The effects of going out are, as one might expect, the exact opposite of not dressing at all.

Kinda seems obvious, yet, when I was younger, I experienced suicidal thoughts, was frequently depressed - so much that I thought it was just my temperament - prone to anxiety attacks, had extraordinary low self esteem and expectations - yet somehow knew that I could do so much better, if I could only find the key.

I tried all sorts of things, like working out, martial arts, night college, university as a mature student, clubbing, getting absorbed in hobbies - but the urge to dress never went away, and, looking back, the times I dressed most frequently in the privacy of my flat led to my most productive decisions in life.

My outings as Laura have had a similar effect, but on steroids, so to speak.

Lockdown has brought back the negative - and past stress events can be linked to purges and times when I have tried to deny it totally - and times when opportunities have been denied, like the previous lockdown.

Seems Laura is somewhat petulant and given to hissy fits if she feels trapped... Or, more simply, that the need to dress as a means of self expression is incredibly important to well being in some of us.

So the solution that works best for me is to plan my "escape".

I have my hotel booking, even though I have to keep rescheduling. I book with date flexibility built in - slightly more expensive, but worth having the ability to simply change the date when needed.

It's not pleasant, but much better than not having anything to look forward to!

And I have added a pile of new clothes for my next outing as rewards for the "Cinderella" feeling - I try to divert all the frustration into housework, chores, work and family so that I have something to show for the "dry" times.

I shudder to think where my mind might be if I didn't have these diversions!

Stay safe and active!

Love Laura

Been there and done that, Stephanie. I had a beard for decades and it still made no difference.

I might be presumptive here but essentially you are asking for help to find out if there is anything that works when it comes to suppressing your inner feminine self.

I am 68 and I have never discovered anything and if there were any suppression techniques that did actually worked we would all know about them by now.

Just like "Pray Out the Gay" was an abysmal failure because it is impossible to change who someone is fundamentally inside themselves the same applies to all other forms of suppression. There is no 12 Step Program or AA group or therapy or medication because who you are inside is not an addiction or an aberration.

What does work in my opinion is acceptance of who you are and finding a balance that you can live with.

Have you considered enlisting the help and support of your female side as a means to help you deal with your dilemma? Something as elementary as just wearing panties on a daily basis might be enough to keep the urges in check and allow you to live in peace with yourself. Another thing you might consider is called "manscaping" which could be another way of matching the inside with the outside that is becoming socially acceptable.

I am going to go a little further out on a limb here and try and put a slightly different perspective on this for what you are seeking in your faith. In Genesis 2:24 it speaks about a man holding fast to his wife that they might become one flesh. You and your feminine self are one flesh already. Mark 10:9 speaks about what God has joined and that is your male and female selves joined as one. That was the way you were born and loving that part of yourself is the same as loving yourself in order that you are able to love others. Colossians 3:14 speaks about love binding in perfect unity which again describes who you can be inside.

There are other verses that essentially describe the same ideal union of male and female and you are one of the lucky ones who gets to know what it is like to have that perfect union inside of yourself when you accept yourself for who you are.

Please appreciate that what I am saying comes from my own inner female self who can empathize with the pain that you are experiencing by suppressing an essential aspect of who you are. It was my feminine side that came to my rescue when I lost my soulmate. Her compassion and strength are what is pulling me through this. She made me realize that while I had lost the physical presence of my soulmate her immortal love for me is still inside of me and will be there for the rest of my life.

You do not have to make your outside match your inside, Stephanie. Instead you need to make peace with your feminine side by accepting that she is  your life partner who will always be there for you. She loves you and she will be patient and wait for when you reach a point where you can allow her to emerge again. Be kind to yourself by being kind to her. Enable her love, warmth and compassion inside of you replace the urges that you are battling to suppress.

I hope this perspective will help a little.

Kind regards

Rowena 👩🏻‍🦳

For myself, and I think most of us, suppression doesn't work.  I've tried some of the things you mentioned.  Sure, they kept me distracted for a few weeks, or months, or years....

After my last purge, I went many years without a desire to dress.  Even thought I was "cured".  When the desire came back....stronger than ever....I drove myself crazy trying to fight it. After a month I was depressed and physically sick.  Then I gave in.  That's when I finally realized I'm wired this way.  It's something I need.  Suppressing it is no different than neglecting any other part of my health.

My girlfriend is tolerant but not very accepting.  She refuses to talk and doesn't want to see me.  Despite those limitations, things were working okay for a while.  I expressed myself when she was at work or on a business trip.  I also took weekend getaways every month or two.  Palm Springs is fabulous, BTW.

Then the pandemic hit and my opportunities to dress nosedived.  It was rough going for a while.

Here are some things that've helped me manage during the pandemic.

- Acknowledging that mentally I'm part woman and allow myself to feel feminine.  Feeling feminine is a state of mind.  Clothes are an enhancement.

- I get a pedicure every few weeks.  Lots of guys get them but it's still predominantly a girly thing.  Polish is optional.  Matte clear polish is a good stealth option.  I try a different color every time.

- I'm taking better care of my skin.  Using facial cleanser.  Exfoliating with a loofah.  Using gentle soap on my body.  Putting lotion on after I get out of the shower.

- I got rid of my body hair.  I used a home IPL device so I only need a touch up 1-2 times a year.

- I put myself out there on CDH.  You have a good start too.  Keep it up.  There's a lot of shoulders to lean on here.

- I ramped up my counseling sessions.  A good gender therapist can help you cope.  He/she may be able to help with your wife.  My therapist is a rock star.  I'd be in a much darker place without her.

- I'm cautiously looking to restart my weekend getaways.  Palm Springs is an easy drive and it's great for girls like us.  Maybe there's a place like that near you?

I'm not religious.  However, I know some clergy recognize crossdressing isn't an abomination and accept us.  If your pastor fits that description you might consider reaching out.

Be good to yourself!

Hugs, Emily

Got to love Brighton. Such an inclusive non-judgemental place

Didu💋

You certainly aren't stupid. You (we) just have a somewhat different method of dealing with life. This life anyway.

I've read over your profile and I don't think we have too many differences. At least in this station of my life, I feel like I have to suppress this feeling I have. As I have for at least the last 15 years or so. I've kept facial hair most of my life. I remember the first time my wife saw me clean shaved and how pissed she was. I didn't ask her permission! It's been rare occasions I shave. Always in summer. And as my usual male self, I don't like the look. But the last couple of summers I shaved just to see how I could look as female. Grown my thinning hair out. Let my nails grow out. To the point that many could have guessed why. But always retreating back into the mold in which I was made. Not willing to step over that threshold. Not knowing if I could walk it back.

You are brave for telling this. Know that there are many who share this view. I'm not saying anyone else is wrong for their views or lifestyle. Trust me, many here are extremely brave. I am praying about this in my life. As I do from now on, I will remember you as well.

Gwyn

What an interesting thought patterned subject Stephanie.

I recognize through some of yours and others input the many suppression and denial tactics/behavours from my past, but at that time in my life I didn't even realize what it was I was denying. It was only after some time spent alone in quieter life reflection that I even had the urge to try on feminine attire. I immediately felt connected, alive and whole.

I have since put that positive energy into not only accepting and loving myself for who I am, but putting it forward to the people involved in my life.  The acceptance or mere tolerance by them is of course their choice to make but is a major factor in the ongoing relationship with that person. I believe that allowing this part of me to blossom has indeed helped me be a stronger, better person whom I will no longer deny or fully supress.

Olivia

This is from my own personal experience :

I tried suppressing my feminine side and eventually it comes back, in a big way.

About the only way I could "suppress" Wendy was serious medical issues.  Years back, I had medical issues like nobody's business, and was in/out of the hospital constantly.  I didn't feel feminine whatsoever and the last thing on my mind was dressing up or even thinking about anything womanly.

I just remembered how much it sucked constantly going to the hospital.

At that time, my wife didn't know about Wendy; to make matters worse I hid some feminine clothing in the basement and I was scared she would find out, especially since I was not home most of the time.

Eventually my medical issues were addressed, and things have been stable.  Now here comes the part about the suppression wearing off.  About a year after being stable, the feelings of dressing up and being feminine came back in a big way.  It got to the point where I could no longer hold those feelings in and I did come out to my wife.  Since then, she has been supportive of Wendy.

Hi Stephanie, first of all you are not stupid. You sound like a really wonderful person. I think most CDs go through this. For me I stopped dressing for a bit but my desire was so strong and so here I am as Katey. I underdress every day and TBH I feel strange when I don’t underdress. Hugs Katey

lol Katey

I was in between chores and outfits the other day, had on an athletic top but no bra which is rare anymore, it indeed did feel weird. When I walked by the mirror and looked, my thoughts were... ewwww.

One of the most pertinent biblical verses for me is 1. Samuel 16.7

Love Laura

Gwyneth,

Thank you do much.  I always covet the prayers of others! James 5:16. And I will pray for you also! 🙂

Emily,

What a wonderful message and insightful thoughts.  Thank you. The one thing I started doing recently along those lines was shaving my armpits -- something that basically goes unnoticed in the winter!