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Life is difficult to traverse and as fellow cross dressers we challenge peoples' perspective as we express our own. Some might say we create our own problems. I was one of those. Not understanding myself is the hardest road to travel. Publicly, I rejected anything that might make me different or queer. Defended the status quo to the point of disciplinary action from my employer. I lived without a plan, thinking the road ahead was not there, life just happened, got a dog, bought a house, got married, kids, buried a parent, grandkid, retirement, YEAH! I am living the life. Am I? Then why have I always felt the need (since about 8 y.o.) to do the taboo practice of wearing women's makeup and clothing. Why did I put up a front for over 56 years? I am the middle child of 3 boys. We had seen each other naked, seen our father in the tub (1 bathroom house), our mom used to bath us, would sit and talk with our dad while he bathed. Mom saw us all naked, we saw each other, but...at younger than 8, I walked into my parents bedroom, mom was naked. I did not understand her reaction, trying to cover herself with her hands, shrinking away from her own 6 or 7 year old son. Still not understanding that reaction, at 9 years old, mom caught me from residual body heat (amazing what you learn the hard why) wearing her new dress. Guess how I reacted. Thanks, mom, for teaching me shame. I still have that shame today and am doing some of the most difficult work of my life. I am exploring being softer, leading with my heart, trying to express who I am, who I want to be as I am not too fond of the person I found myself to be. 2024 has been an emotional year for me. I still have a fear of shame and I fear being rejected. I have yet to have 'the talk' with my wife. I have found acceptance which gives me courage. Most of which I get here, on CDH. The chat feature has been transformative for me. I am facing my reality. Thank you all for the community you offer.
@ritadresser Rita, for some of us life is tough. But we can all relax and bathe in the love and support that our sisters here at CDH offer us so completely xx.
Rita, I could have written most of this! Our backgrounds are similar in many ways.
I'm very lucky in that my wife accepts who I have become and I can dress as I wish, when I wish. For decades, though, I was hiding my feminine side and went through the cycles of furtive joy, shame, guilt, purging etc.
Randi @randialex is right, we are all different, with differing life situations and there's no one-size-fits-all way to approach our SO's.
What I will say is that, losing a few close friends earlier this year, I finally realised that I've probably got less years in front of me than behind me so I don't want to find myself under the wheels of a bus, wishing I'd been more honest with myself much much earlier.
Self must balance with selflessness though so, as I said, we choose our own path but we're lucky to have this place and the brilliant girls here, who will support us always.
Allie x
@ritadresser Thankfully, you have CDH to back you up with your own CD struggles.
There isn't a lot that you can do with the struggles that others have with crossdressing, though. They have their own way of dealing with it.
I am guessing that having the talk with your wife may alleviate one of your struggles, one way or the other, so that may be something to work on.
@ritadresser My wife of 55 years and I have had a DADT relationship with my crossdressing over the years. Over the last 3 years that no longer worked since I am her caregiver and no longer have alone time. We worked out a couple of compromises that we could both live with and things were going well until this week. She has told me I need to stop dressing since it is too much for her to deal with on top of her poor health but of course that is not possible. I am very stressed out and stopping for the moment but am very concerned about the path forward from here. I pray this is a temporary situation and, like you, I very much appreciate the support and acceptance here at CDH.
@ritadresser My wife of 55 years and I have had a DADT relationship with my crossdressing over the years. Over the last 3 years that no longer worked since I am her caregiver and no longer have alone time. We worked out a couple of compromises that we could both live with and things were going well until this week. She has told me I need to stop dressing since it is too much for her to deal with on top of her poor health but of course that is not possible. I am very stressed out and stopping for the moment but am very concerned about the path forward from here. I pray this is a temporary situation and, like you, I very much appreciate the support and acceptance here at CDH.
I'm not privy to your relationship but that appears somewhat one-sided.
@michellemybell Caregiving does take its toll on the caregiver. I am sending hugs to you both. Thank you for being with us.
@michellemybell Oh Michelle, I'm so sorry to hear of your situation and your wife's health issues. I mean I can't dress either at the moment but that's sort of my choice. I so hope things can work out for you at some stage, and of course you know you have the absolute support of the girls here xx.
@michellemybell Michelle, I’m so sorry to hear of the new restriction with your wife. It just doesn’t seem fair, because we both know it’s just not possible to comply. That being said, it isn’t much fun being in a position where someone else needs to take care of you on a full time basis for her. I want to offer words of encouragement, knowing that with any disability there are good days and bad. I am certain that this is a bad day reaction and that she will eventually realize that you, the care giver, have needs too and the restrictions will be lifted.
Rita -
All I can add to what's already been said is my own experience and observations.
There comes a time when we must come to terms with who we are. For me, that time was ten years ago. Before then, it was an endless cycle of elation, shame and self-loathing. Denial was killing my soul. I was clinically depressed. Somehow, I knew my future came down to two choices; I could embrace my gender diversity and be happy, or I could continue to deny it and be utterly miserable. I chose to be happy.
I'm not going to tell you there is a one-size-fits-all solution. Each of us has to find our own path to happiness....or at least a way to maintain our sanity. The hundreds of happy girls I've spoken to have all said the same thing: self-acceptance was the key to unlocking a happy life.
Keep doing what you're doing. Consider gender therapy. We have your back. You're never alone.
Liz xx
@lizk Thank you, Liz.
I wrote this forum post early this morning. An hour later I talked with my wife. My fear and shame belong to me, I had no need to fear or feel shamed with my wife, she accepted Rita. She wants to help me with my makeup, go clothing/shoe/wig shopping, out to dinner with Rita. Two conditions, not around where we live, and I can't look better than her.
We both need to adjust; divorce was on the table. Our life together now has a chance to heal. It took therapy, a relationship coach and the support and love I feel every time I am on CDH. Oh yeah, lots of tears, lots and lots of tears.
Hugs to you, Liz and all our sisters on CDH
@ritadresser I had a very similar experience. I've been married for 25 years and have adult children. Also, I've been in very masculine careers for all my life. For as long as I can remember, I've always had the desire to dress up and get a release from myself and the societal norms placed on me. Recently, my wife found some of my things, and her instant reaction was to think I had another woman over to cheat. At that point I had to confess, and her reaction was not what I expected at all. She is completely supportive, and lets me be me whenever I want. It turns out she is my soul mate, and I wish I had just told her years ago. I have felt so much better since she found out, and I feel like a new person. I just couldn't ever imaging being outed, but it seems to be the best thing ever. I also used to buy and purge. It's very easy these days. In my youth, I had some humiliating moments trying to shop in women's stores. Through my whole marriage I had felt shame until now. I don't know how your wife would react, but all I can say is I felt so much better after coming out.
@gina5 Thank you, Gina. Our outcomes are also similar., see my reply to Liz K.
Hugs to you.
@ritadresser welcome here Rita... I know how you feel girlfriend and I'm here for you too
@ritadresser I dont have anything pertinent to add to all thats been said already. just another we are with you girl. Its a daily struggle with our thoughts ,programming and society. If strife builds character then its no wonder CDH is full of characters lol.. Have a great day. RC
Rita -
Thank you for sharing your trials and tribulations with us.
Like you I also went thru the pain of rejection, not knowing who I was or denying myself. It took decades for me to finally admit who I am to myself. It was a conversation with my wife where I admitted to being a crossdresser. It was a bit rough for awhile but she has come to accept that part of me, in her own way. It is a relief to be able to be myself, for the most part, and connect with my softer, gentler side. I say for the most part as the only ones to know Suzanne are my wife and therapist as well as the lovely ladies here.
I'm happy that you are here and beginning to emerge as the beautiful person you are meant to be. We are all on a journey, each path being different and our destination unknown. No one journey is right or wrong it is what is in your heart for you to follow. Enjoy your journey.
XOXO
Suzanne
Many years ago I decided to tell my wife everything. She was a counsellor and had a weekend away on a course so I shaved my body hair and wrote her a long explanation of who I was and how I got there, knowing she would understand - she didn't and we agreed that I only dress when she wasn't around, and so we managed and managed well. Since she died I have come out completely and I feel free and I think have become a far nicer person, softer I think. I underdress every day and I hope eventually to go public in a skirt or dress. Having said that I would rather have my wife by my side with the closet door closed, but it isn't. I now tell all my friends and family of my state and so far everyone has accepted me and some even thanked me for being open and honest. Rita all I can say is it was right for me to come out but that doesn't mean it is right for others, we are all different and while my wife wasn't ecstatic about my trannieness she accepted it as long as she didn't see it, and I had to let my body hair regrow!
@randialex Lovely post Randi. Sorry for your loss. Trannieness is a great word! xx.
@randialex I had been a closeted CD all my life. After my wife passed away 3 years ago, Fiona emerged 6 months after she passed. I too would give it all up to have her back but I console myself with the fact that at least I am able to live this part of my life as the real me.
@d44 Hugs to you, Fiona. I am sorry for your loss and happy for your expression of self.
A tale that is shared by many. Guilt, shame and denial that never took away the need to dress. As hard as it is to do and a common statement, forget the past. It's happened and now is the time to plan for your future as you have complied and satisfied others unselfishly, so this is now your time for them to comply and satisfy your needs. You deserve it, 'make it so' - another saying although somewhat corny....
You will always have the help and support from the ladies here.
@ab123 Wow, Angela, well said (not the corny part). That is what I am attempting, moving forward. Thank you for the support. 
Hi Rita
My story, like so many others of an older generation is very similar to yours. Our parents taught us that crossdressing was not acceptable, our siblings and friends told us likewise. But we struggled to accept who we were, in my case I had no idea for many years even who I might be..... But there was always that something which went against what we had been told that was within us driving us on, that desire we couldn't put a finger on except what ever it was it drew us to wearing women's clothing. We were not wrong, we were just acting on our instincts, acting on what is within us.... The truth is there have been trans people both men and women, in many different cultures, in almost every country in the world for millennia. It is just a naturally occurring phenomenon, we have alway been here and always will be. But society led in part by western (and notably European) influence had decreed this behaviour was not acceptable, despite it being embedded in many cultures. So would it be wrong to blame our parents, siblings and friends? No they were just going along with society's doctrine. But society has changed and we are much more accepted now than before (despite some of the stuff you see on the news). That explains why people born in the 50's and 60's are only now discovering their freedom. It was and to some still is a taboo subject but we are getting there. You, me and every other person with similar feelings deserves the right to live how we want to live and above all to be happy......
@andreauk Thank you, Andrea. Yes, I'm a boomer, our generation was/is still somewhat stuck in past societal norms. I have recently retired from being a high school sports coach. My last season coaching I had the privilege of coaching a fine young non-binary student. We had many conversations about equity in sports. I believe this student, unashamed of who they were and how they cared to express themselves, gave me my first bit of courage to face the false demons instilled by my generation's norms. It has not been easy. I doubt I would be here, in this sisterhood, without the inspiration of this young person.
@ritadresser This just shows the difference in how trans people are currently thought of today against how it was when we were at their age. The world has certainly moved on and the inspiration from the young person has shown you that it is possible to be the person you really want to be and as a result bring you lasting happiness.....
Rita, It has been completely amazing to watch you gain strength and courage from the moment you joined us here on CDH. We are all enriched by your presence here. this is such a synergistic sisterhood here. I think I can speak for many who do not know where they would have ended up before they took a chance and joined this magic place where girls gather. You are happy to have us, and we are happy to have you as one of our sisters!
I’m not exactly sure how to react to your original post Rita, but in reading your update and coming out to your wife, I am so happy that she seems to accept you as of now.
I have said this before, but I never came out to my late wife because I loved her so much, I couldn’t bear to either disappoint her or worse yet lose her. When my wife was first diagnosed with terminal cancer, she was my total concern, not crossdressing. However, after she passed away, I knew that my crossdressing was about to take a dramatic turn, in that there was nothing really stopping me, except the shame that seems to come our way by society in general. At this point your are at the same point that I was when my wife passed away, except you are so very lucky that you seem to have her support now. I only wish I could have experienced the same, and as some have already said, I’d stop dressing today if I could have her back.
My advice for the future is take it slow, get lots of feedback from your lovely wife, make sure she’s actually comfortable with your dressing as a woman. I have seen all too many friends here that have taken acceptance as permission to do whatever they want, and have been very unhappy when their spouse had second thoughts about their decision.
I hope you have all the best with your wife in the future, and may both of you have a beautiful life together with no shame ever.
@jennconn Thank you, Jenn. Let me offer you my condolences and a hug.
It is hard to stop a flood, an emotional flood. My wife and I have had a difficult relationship for the last 10 years. 10 years ago, was my first bout with mortality and chemotherapy. I came out of that resentful. Not a good recipe for a happy marriage. I started therapy, trying to deal with my resentments. I could identify most of them, but I never discussed my desire to cross dress, missing the largest part of the picture. 18 months ago, my remission status came under question. 14 months ago, I started chemotherapy. 10 months ago, too shameful to discuss CD with my therapist of 10 years, I sought out a relationship coach, (RC). She helped me cross dress, fully, for the first time in my life. RC told me the look on my face when I saw Rita for the first time was all she needed to know. R.C. encouraged me to seek community support. It has been an amazing 10 months.
I am taking things with my wife at her pace. Quick rundown, Nov 19, spoke to therapist about CD for first time, Nov 21, told wife, Nov 22, wife told her therapist. Post wife's therapy, wife asked to see my clothes. Last evening, my wife called a wig shop and had me sent up an appointment.
I am hoping we can both heal and have a better life together.
@ritadresser I know that things are going to work for you Rita. I’m praying for your continued good health and good relationship with your wife.
Truly sorry to everyone that lost there loved ones all you lady’s have touching reply’s truly to the heart and thank you ☺️ for sharing with use wish my best regards to all you lady’s
