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Until recently the only family member who knew about Veronica was my late wife. She was adamant that I shouldn't tell my three children (a girl (the youngest) and two boys all now adults and in long-term relationships). However, since my wife died I had found it more and more difficult to have much Veronica time without the risk of the children discovering me dressed since two of them live fairly near me and have a habit of dropping in unannounced. So I bit the bullet and told all three, not all at the same time but individually. I'm not sure why, but I expected to get most push back from the two boys and for my daughter to be more sympathetic. In fact it was exactly the opposite. Both boys immediately adopted the modern laid back approach of whatever makes you happy, I'm not going to judge you and it's all pretty harmless. My daughter on the other hand took a lot more time to come around but is now OK with the fact of my cross-dressing. She also stated emphatically that she does not want to see me as Veronica. I think it helped that my wife knew and that I had not kept it from her.
I also told my cleaner who I have known for about 15 years because it was becoming more difficult to hide all my Veronica stuff from her. I took the risk that I could trust her and she would understand. So far that gamble has paid off but I don't think there is any way I can dispense with her services now!
Obviously each individual has to make their own decisions about who and when they tell family and others about their cross-dressing but in my case something that I never thought I would do was much easier and was received with much less negativity than I expected. It is obviously much more difficult to tell a spouse because of all the issues it raises about your masculinity and the nature of your relationship. So this isn't an advice post but simply an account of my experience.
Veronica
Hi Veronica. Congratulations hun 😘 that would be a huge weight off your mind. So happy to hear your kids are ok about it. It’s great to not have to hide in your own home.
Cassie
@veroslondon Congratulations Veronica, I know that was a big step but you took it. I am glad your children all finally accepted.
I’m glad that the revelation was taken well by your sons, and if I read correctly, at least you have maintained your connection with your daughter. Hopefully, she will soften with time.
Congratulations Veronica
I know the anguish of telling everyone as I have told the oldest child. I, too want more Ria time and am still sorting that out.
Hi Veronica
I hope your well hun as you know I recently told my wife about Sarah it didn't go down very well at first, I did receive a couple of frosty weeks however the frostyness has subsided and thing are more amicable but she basically hasn't asked or said anything about it. So I am assuming that is her form of acceptance knowing I will be crossdressing but she don't want to know.
Sarah xx
Hi Sarah
I'm glad to hear that time has helped to ease the situation with your wife. I hate giving advice in these situations but is it possible she wants you to start the conversation. Just getting the ball rolling can be the most difficult part. Anyway, best wishes to you whatever you decide.
Veronica
@34sarah You won't know, Sarah, if you aren't communicating. Assuming isn't communicating.
Thank you for sharing. I'm really wrestling with this issue right now myself. My daughter is returning home after spending the last 14-15 months in San Diego. Since she left, I've come out to quite a few friends and neighbors, and it's going to be a challenge to keep things under wraps (also: not going back into that closet!). I've been running the pros and cons of coming out to her almost daily and I'm no closer to a decision. She's LGBTQ+ herself and rationally I know there should be less to fear because of it, but the reality is that it's different coming from a parent. There's a lot to think about.
Nikki
Only you can make the decision and you will know when the time is right but does appear that modern young(er) people do seem to be less buttoned up than maybe our generation.
@justnikki yeah, Nikki. With family it can be so hard. I is OK if my friend is Trans or a co-worker is non-binary. BUT not my dad. Ewww gross.
Cassie
Hey Veronica
Firstly, that was so brave. I don't have children, but I did come out to my mother and one of my sisters over the summer ... about my long-term crossdressing but also about being trans. The run up to those two separate conversations was pretty terrifying, but in both cases it was the anticipation (and the uncertainty of the outcome) that was the worst part. I kind of knew what their reactions would be ... but the fact that I was only about 90% sure was what made it hard. Thankfully, both have been incredibly accepting.
There was never much chance of them finding out about me had I not told them, since we live so far apart. I was just tired of hiding this very big part of me.
It's so interesting that the reactions of your sons and daughter were the other way round to what you expected, but also so amazing that all three are now on board. That's a wonderful thing.
I agree that from now on you definitely have to stay on the right side of your cleaner 🙂
Hugs
Ellie x
Ellie
Thanks for your reply. I'm not sure that we girls think enough about the stress of the deceit involved in being a CD or being trans. We most likely grow up with parents emphasizing the importance of not lying and we also probably try to pass on the same message to our children. Yet, there we are continually creating elaborate stories to hide a very important part of what we are. The fact that we tell these lies (because that's what they are) mostly to those closest to us is even more shaming. I wish you all the very best on your trans journey, wherever it takes you, and I'm so glad you will have the support of your family and at least you won't have that nagging guilt of having to lie about it any more.
Hi all - I was wrestling with this very thing a couple of months ago, even wrote about it here:
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/what-about-the-kids-when-theyre-not-kids/
Since that time, I discussed this extensively with my supportive wife, and I came to agree with her point of view. For us, it is a personal matter. I - we - do not pry into their personal lives, nor do we feel the need to know. In theory, that philosophy should work for all of us and I have become comfortable with this. The only difference between now and when I wrote the article is there is no overt effort to hide. If they do happen to come across the shoes that are way too big for their mom they will receive an honest and matter of fact explanation, and I am ready to do so when and if needed. This may not work for everyone, but knowing the personalities of my adult children the less of a big deal we make of it, the better.
@krisburton Hi Kris.
I hadn't seen your artlcle before now, but I've just read it and ... wow.
That is so BEAUTIFULLY written.
Thank you.
Ellie x
Hi Kris
I just read your article and I empathised with so much of it. It's a rather odd fact that I found it much easier to dress at home when my wife was alive than after she passed. Like yours, my wife would ride shotgun for me if someone was about to come unexpectedly to the house so there was less risk of being discovered. I now I don't have that protection and I just became fed up with the increased stress of that unexpected knock on the door or one of my children suddenly appearing in the house. I know I took a gamble with telling my children but I thought it was worth it. Luckily, at least for now, i seem to have been lucky. In your case you seem to have an arrangement that works for you and your wife so if it ain't broke why fix it?
As I've mentioned before, I never told my ex-wife (of 6 years), that would have been a huge mistake - and I mean HUGE - if I did. But I told my now spouse of 45 years as we each shared some 'deep dark' secret. Hers wasn't near as bad as she thought, just a youthful indiscretion, but I shared. And she has tried a few time to incorporate some of it into our private lives.
I told my mother before she passed, but she was in the early/mid stages of dementia, so I have no idea if she understood, although she seemed her whole life to be very supportive of issues like this. I have 3 adult children and 4 grandchildren. And the thoughts I've had is, should I tell any of them. I'm not sure at this stage what difference it would (read SHOULD) make to them, but one still has children under age 10...and live in one of those US states that is very vocal about people with certain kinds of differences. And if I tell one, they will almost certainly share with the other two. It's nice they share like that, but at the same time, well, it has caused some minor issues in the past.
That said, I can only suggest that if there are any conversations you can be part of, not necessarily starting, where different lifestyles are discussed, you might discover how their feelings lean. We always hope it makes a difference if one is supportive of certain situations, but too often we find that when it hits home, there's a 'just wait a minute' issue. But it's a start. At least if with whomever you're in a discussion, you'll should find out quickly if it's better to just keep quiet.
I'm sure the decision to tell your children was not an easy one to make but you are much better off for having done so. You will now be able to enjoy being your true self much more than if you had continued being secretive and feeling guilty for doing so.
Hi Ladies.
An interesting topic. I'm quite certain I would never come out to either my wife or kids (adult daughters). But a question often arises in my head as to what will happen when I shuffle off this mortal coil, and mischievously it brings the hint of a smile to my face.
The girls are bound to be involved in the slightly depressing task of helping to clear out my stuff and would inevitably come across my secret closet of dresses, heels, wigs, makeup etc. How will they react. I'm hoping it'll be "oh Dad, you naughty boy" with a smile but equally they may be horrified. I'm actually considering leaving a note in the closet explaining myself as best I can ...
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
Chrissie
Oddly enough the issue of what evidence of Veronica will be left behind when I'm dead and how my children might react to it was one of the factors in my decision to tell the children. I'm now 77 so statistically only have a few years left and my eventual demise tends to become more of a factor in my life every day. It became fairly obvious to me that there is a strong likelihood that I may die without the opportunity to clear all traces of Veronica from my possessions, bank accounts and online presence. So was it better for the children to know before I die than after? Which would be the greater shock for them? Obviously, I chose to tell them but we each have to make our own decision.
Veronica
Hi Chrissie,
I’m also not of a mind to come out at all.
Funnily enough, the question of finding the stash in the loft after I’ve departed comes to my mind a lot more often than the thought of me actually being discovered to be honest.
I’ve also considered a note to be left there in the event of my demise.
In fact I started it a few months ago, but haven’t actually got around to finishing it.
Lucy x
@chrisfp99 Leaving a note in your closet? We need to be better prepared than that.
There was an older discussion about things like this when I first joined CDH. Something like a digital memory card is more versatile and useful than a note on paper, unless you want to keep it secured in a personal safe.
Purge every little thing before we get something like dementia or be prepared for some guardian getting into our "business" before we are gone.
It’s funny, but those thoughts have just made me wonder how I would like to be dressed in my casket! Too morbid to consider right now. I think I’ll park that thought for the moment!
hugs
Rebecca xxx
@chrisfp99 My wife worries about that, big time! Will the kids discover my "dirty little secret"?
People often don’t tell family and friends about their situation because of the fear of rejection and that they think that no one will find out. However, if you are here or on TGH long enough, you will see how things became undone for many who thought that their secrets were safe. I think as time goes on, the odds are not in our favor. We should all remember that we are not perfect in our thoughts or behaviors. Simply, we make mistakes.
Also, consider this. What will happen when your secret becomes known without your coming forth? It is very easy for things to devolve into major blow ups and arguments and it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to speak your truth in such a way that it will be heard.
Hi DeeAnn
All so true. I was watching a silly detective show on TV the other night when one of the detectives said "a lot of clues are simply mistakes". We leave clues all over the place and sometimes people just don't want to see them.
@veroslondon Yes, while perfection is a goal, it’s something that isn’t going to happen…
Thank you so much for posting this and also Kris for sharing your article.just for the record…told my wife over 2 years ago, she’s accepting and we are figuring things out. I consider myself transgender but not sure how far I want to go. 3 kids range from 18-22. No one knows.
So on the drive home the other day we talked about if we should tell someone close to the kids (wife’s best friend)...the concern was in that we travel together a lot so if something happened to us both we wanted someone to be around to explain things or answer questions. Is Dad gay…no , mom and dad love each other…etc. I guess we could write a letter or do a video but I think a person being there to talk is better. I also thought about telling a member of my family but I’m mixed. We think my wife’s bestie would be ok with me.
Why do I also feel the need to tell a few people ? It’s a little selfish…the hope is for people to be ok with it and when that happens it feels very good. Acceptance helps with me accepting who I am. I’ve been so ashamed and hidden I long for people to say ok…I’m still ok with you and love you. I just don’t want to worry about hiding anymore It’s tiring and want to just be me and people be ok with it. As I age I worry less about people finding out.
But as my wife said once it’s out it’s out..there is no taking it back. So while we have talked about who we have not talked about it again. She would want to tell her friend in person so maybe after the holidays. We shall see!
❤️
Hi Carole
Thanks so much for this. There does seem to be a point in a lot of a CD's lives when all the hiding, deceit and guilt seems to get too much. Incidentally it may be similar to when criminals who have got away with a crime for a long time eventually end up going to the police. So I empathise with your plight. I like the idea of using a trusted go-between to explain all the details to friends and famuly. It's just finding the right person and as you say, once it's out it's out.
Veronica
Veronica
In my mind I think a looming sense of mortality has a lot to do with many of my feelings. As you get older you realize more how life is so fragile and that if there was ever a time to do it…it’s now. As much as it might not work out, the desire to be accepted,,,to finally feel that you are ok who you are is causing me to tell more. Plus I think as you get older your tolerance for BS becomes less so why not tell people.
I have told a few people that I don’t interact with regularly like a nail tech or saleswoman. When they compliment you and engage you like you are ok it’s like a ray of light entering my body. You leave smiling and feeling like a million bucks. I want more of that feeling!
❤️Carole
Carole
Oh how I agree with you! When you are younger you can put almost everything off into the indefinite future which seems to stretch out into infinity. Also, what people think of you is much more important when you're young. Over the last few years of my life I just want to be me which includes spending quite a lot more time as Veronica. I'm not yet clear on what the specifics of that are but what I do know is that it doesn't mean the same old same old. I'm meeting up with some old university friends and their wives for lunch later in the week and I suddenly have the urge to go as Veronica. I think they would be surprised but I don't think shocked to see me as a woman. Obviously I wouldn't be able to contain any fall out from doing this but TBH I don't think there would be much. However, I don't think it will happen. Old habits die hard.
Also, like you, I love interacting with cis women as Veronica and it's the best feeling when you are fairly sure you have been accepted by them. I have accepted your friend request.
Take care
Veronica
Veronica,
It is always nice to hear that someone has found more support when they tell family or friends about their life. I am in the same situation with my kids and family. My spouse, mother in law, oldest daughter and a few close friends know about Syndee and are all supportive of me. I have wanted to tell my oldest son but I am not sure how he would react. I have two older sisters that I would also like to tell and I am almost positive that one would be fully supportive of me but I am not sure about the other. I would also love to tell my mom but I am afraid it would be devastating for her. I am her only son, my father was super happy when I was born (he passed when I was 6) and the holidays are already very hard on my mom. I am still on the fence with telling her but I have decided that if I am going to tell her I will wait until after the holiday season.
Hi Syndee
I'm so glad you have the support of some of your family. It really helps.
I talked with my therapist the other day about whether, to tell people and, if so, who and when. I think we concluded that you need to be fairly sure that if you tell someone (usually a close family member) and you think they would be badly affected by the news in some way then you have a duty to back off. The question you need to ask yourself is does your need to tell the person somehow outweigh the potential hurt you might be inflicting on that individual. It's a tough call but only you can make that judgement.
Veronica
I would have loved to tell my family about Michelle when I was younger ,but that was not to be.Mom and Dad would not have understood at all and they were the law in that house.Now at this part of my life ,both parents have passed on and my sister knows and supports fully,little brother does not know and would not accept,but thats ok because there is 2,000 miles between us .When I pass on{and I am not rushing it}wait until my siblings clean out my house and closets.O to be a fly on the wall.
Telling family is hard I told My sister in law Aug of last year then my mother found my therapy paperwork in my car and asked. When It came too my mother I just told her I was Trans. At first she didn't understand it but now she is starting too understand it. My sister in law has been supportive and so has all my nieces
