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Telling your S/O

30 Posts
18 Users
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Posts: 24
Lady
Topic starter
(@tamarajenson)
Trusted Member     Florida, United States of America
Joined: 1 month ago

Hi Ladies

I have a question?

How did you tell your S/O about crossdressing? I have told her before and she seemed ok with it, then it wasn't ok. I got rid of my things, but I have once again started dressing again, I want to tell her, but i feel like she won't be as accepting. The crazy thing to me she is all about accepting people for who they and not passing judgement, but when it comes to me I feel as if she won't be as accepting. It is upsetting for me because I want to tell her, but feel as if she isn't accepting of it I am going to feel shamed and she will feel hurt and disappointed in me. I feel so torn, just needing some advice. Thank you ladies. 

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29 Replies
8 Replies
Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 515

@tamarajenson 

Hi Tamara, first question ... I notice your location and hope you are OK, not too badly affected by the hurricane.

Then in response to

Posted by: @tamarajenson

How did you tell your S/O about crossdressing?

My own experience may not be much help to you, but it is documented in the article https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/the-new-normal/

I must say, though, that I think the suggestion offered by @rebeccabaxter is eminently sensible and well worth considering.

Best of luck and I hope it all works out well for you.

Rebecca x

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Lady
(@tamarajenson)
Joined: 1 month ago

Trusted Member     Florida, United States of America
Posts: 24

@fembecky Hi Rebecca, Yes where I was Located, we weren't really effected by the hurricane. I appreciate the document you provided, I will definitely be reading it in a little bit. Thank you again for checking to see if I was ok.

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Lady
(@audreyw)
Joined: 2 years ago

Estimable Member     Savana, Georgia, United States of America
Posts: 63

@tamarajenson Hi Tamara, I feel so bad when I read stories like this.  I wish I could provide some advice but truth be told, my wife was the one who started and encouraged my crossdressing, now many years ago. Sending a big virtual hug your way and I hope everything eventually works out.

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Lady
(@tamarajenson)
Joined: 1 month ago

Trusted Member     Florida, United States of America
Posts: 24

@audreyw Thank you so much Audrey, that means so much to me, big hug back at you girl.

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Baroness Annual
(@lyndajones)
Joined: 3 years ago

Reputable Member     Kingsport, Tennessee, United States of America
Posts: 293

@tamarajenson I have found that once you bring up CD, wait for here reaction don't say a word, you will find she will start  talking DON"T talk or interrupt her. I have found  by keeping your mouth shut She will talk and talk.

Best of luck

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Lady
(@tamarajenson)
Joined: 1 month ago

Trusted Member     Florida, United States of America
Posts: 24

@lyndajones Thank you Linda, once I musta up the courage I will do so.

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Lady
(@jillleanne)
Joined: 2 years ago

Honorable Member     Renfrew, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 533

@tamarajenson A really tough one to answer Tamara. High probability she knows little to nothing about x dressing. No matter how you approach this it’s 50/50 how she will take it. I was lucky to come out and get full acceptance and support. Just go slow and be completely honest if you decide to explain your situation to her.

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Lady
(@cherylt)
Joined: 3 months ago

Reputable Member     Honesdale, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 166

@tamarajenson My wife discovered photos a long time ago. We talked and cried and I promised "never again" and went back in the closet only to be more careful than before. 

Years later I could no longer take the hiding and stealing time from her. I sat her down and said "WE have a problem". I told her I had never stopped, that I did not want to stop and I would not stop. I told her I wanted her to be a part of this with me and if she could not I would understand. If she wanted a divorce I would understand. I was prepared for whatever happened. 

She was open to talking and learning. She read the forums on Crossdressers.com and joined as a member (they have a Female At Birth section for women only). I told her I wanted to be out in public and we found a support group. We attended a few meetings and found one we liked. The members were the biggest help for her. She learned we aren't Perverts, Weirdos and the like. She learned we are just people like everyone else. We come from all walks of life and hold jobs that are varied and respected. She learned this is just another part of us. 

The thing that helped the most for us was open and honest communication. No secrets, no surprises, no lies or half truths. 

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Posts: 875
(@rebeccabaxter)
    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 10 months ago

Be casual, mention it in passing. Say something like, "Remember when I used to cross-dress and you were ok with it? I'd quite like to do it again, but if you aren't happy seeing it, I'd like to do it anyway, perhaps just not when you are around. I'm asking you because I don't want you to think I have any secrets. What do you think?"

The last sentence puts the ball in her court, at this time say nothing, just nothing; this will force some sort of response. Hopefully for you, it will be the right one.

The above is what I might do if I were in your situation, YMMV and others here will shortly, I'm sure, have their own suggestions; read them and pick the one you think best fits your situation. 

Good luck

Becca

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1 Reply
Lady
(@tamarajenson)
Joined: 1 month ago

Trusted Member     Florida, United States of America
Posts: 24

@rebeccabaxter This is a great suggestion Becca, Thank you. I will musta up the courage to do this, and report back. Thank you again.

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Posts: 20
(@beckyw)
Eminent Member     Oxfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 3 months ago

I feel your pain, honey. 

My wife is lovely too, and we’ve played games where she’s “made” me wear her knickers. 

but I really don’t know how to tell her I’d loved it so much. 

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1 Reply
Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3096

@beckyw Depending on your body shape, you could do something like buy a control-top panty and when she asks about it say that you liked the feel of panties when she made you wear them. You might want to mention this to her before you suddenly change your undies, too. Shock is one thing, getting acceptance is another. Use panties as a gateway to more adventurous clothing.

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Posts: 677
Lady
(@dazzler)
Noble Member     Cardiff, South Glamorgan, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

My wife used to go hot and cold with my crossdressing. I called it "The acceptance pendulum". It used to swing between acceptance and no acceptance. The distance it swang into the two areas varied greatly. The time it spent in each area also varied. She could go from really loving it, to hating it in no time. Some times I could tell it was starting to swing the wrong way.... One time it swang deep into the non acceptance side, very quickly and stayed there for many years. Things are great now, I'm fully out as a crossdresser, and I'm more or less free to do as I please.... The pendulum still does swing though. Now it goes through a "do you have to?" phase in between good and bad 🙂

A Becca said, Just casually mention it. Say that you like to do it again. The fact that your SO was OK with it in the past means that the pendulum could well swing in your favour. Don't over stress it. Don't force it.  Good luck, and be sure to tell us how you got on.

Cerys

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4 Replies
Lady
(@tamarajenson)
Joined: 1 month ago

Trusted Member     Florida, United States of America
Posts: 24

@dazzler Thank You Cerys.

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(@staciebobacie)
Joined: 4 months ago

Estimable Member     Wisconsin, United States of America
Posts: 65

@dazzler I love your pendulum analogy and am waiting for my significant other to stay on the right side of it.  Currently I am kinda going in that direction.  She is gone this weekend and encouraged me to stay home and dress.

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Lady
(@dazzler)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     Cardiff, South Glamorgan, United Kingdom
Posts: 677

@staciebobacie Great news! The pendulum idea came into my head one night. I was not in a good place. My wife and I had argued, and my crossdressing was a major part of the argument. She went off to bed, and I stayed in the living room with just my thoughts and the ticking of our mantle clock. Tick tock, tick tock.... I concentrated on the ticking (Great for stopping the demons from getting in)

I envisaged the pendulum swinging back and forth in the back of the clock, and thought to myself that this is what my wife is like with my crossdressing. I then though how nice it would be if the pendulum would stop on the good side of the swing, and the idea of the acceptance pendulum was born. 
I do my best thinking at night when alone. The clock is ticking away as I type. It's a 60 year old Smiths clock. The ticking of that clock has saved me many times. You cannot beat the slow tick tock of an old clock!

Cerys

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Ambassador
(@beach-girl)
Joined: 7 years ago

Honorable Member     United States of America
Posts: 487

@dazzler Yeah, Cerys, I'm waiting for that pendulum to swing back.

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Posts: 389
 Erin
Princess
(@erinb)
Honorable Member     Ohio, United States of America
Joined: 2 months ago

Thanks for sharing as myself when I came out to mine it was very hard times and not accepting but even tho she did not accept this I found out hiding things makes things worse if your true to yourself and to her and explain why she may not accept but understand if that makes sense this is always a hard topic to bring to the table just be true and honest and if she don’t accept unfortunately respect that don’t mean you have to stop dressing tho if he ashamed of yourself always work something out when she’s gone or late nights mine still don’t accept but allows at times and understands I dress more alone then around her good luck and stay strong 

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Posts: 98
Duchess
(@traci429)
Reputable Member     Brighton area, Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 11 months ago

I have a similar situation and I told my wife. She was accepting at first but not so much now. I have told her I want to dress again. I love Becca’s suggestion to tell her the truth and -maybe do it when she is not around. The truth may hurt but you need to be truthful. I like how Becca left it in her court. -Traci

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Posts: 1721
Hostess
(@cdsue)
Famed Member     Delaware, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

First, I'm glad you're okay after the hurricane.

I can appreciate your situation. When I first came out to my wife she was very tentative. She did give me some of her things (mostly nighties) that she no longer wore or didn't fit and helped me order some bras and dresses online. When they arrived she had me try them on so she could make sure they fit but didn't want to see me dressed. So essentially it was a DADT situation. After some time she had an issue with my dressing and I told her I wouldn't anymore. As you can imagine I didn't but was more careful about when I did. She was in the hospital for a couple days (nothing too serious) and one night I figured I'm hoe alone and I'm going to dress. As I was dressing she called and I answered the phone not knowing it was a facetime call. Needless to say I got busted. She was angry (can't blame her) and hung up. We spoke of it the following day and she had calmed down. We talked about a little after that and she asked if it helped me deal with stress and I told her that it did. Since that time she has become more accepting to the point of inviting Suzanne to spend the day on occasion. 

Sorry for the long reply. If you bring it up with her you could try to explain how it makes you feel. 

XOXO
Suzanne

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1 Reply
Lady
(@tamarajenson)
Joined: 1 month ago

Trusted Member     Florida, United States of America
Posts: 24

@cdsue Thank you Suzanne. It is also a stress reliever for me to. It helps me take my mind off of things and sometimes helps me focus on things at hand, I've done chores around the house dressed. It is a comfort thing for me to. I really enjoy dressing. I never do it around the house when anybody is home of course and I definitely don't intend to either. 

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Posts: 1918
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

People change, and society as a whole is changung as well. Twenty years ago it was "bad" to be gay/lesbian, now it is pretty widely accepted. Trans and crossdressing is more common and more people are exppsed to it and realize trans/CDs are just people. I can not imagine not telling my spouse. She is accepting, but even if she weren't, I would still feel it necessary to tell her and then live in a DADT situation. Fortunately that is not an issue for us.

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Posts: 126
Duchess
(@robyn1408)
Reputable Member     Dennis, Massachusetts, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

Hi Tamara, 

I too am grateful that you escaped the worst of the storm in Florida, I'm sure it was nerve racking.....kind of like coming out to your wife 🙂 Here is the thing, if you truly believe in your heart and soul that you are transgendered and whenever on your life journey you came to this acceptance it is personal to you and to you alone. We can't expect our life partners to come to the same acceptance, especially after years of marriage. Regardless of our partners public opinion on the subject, when it's the man in your life who is asking for this acceptance it now becomes personal to them and all the practical matters of now living with a transgendered woman simply rocks their world. I understand this and have empathy to their new circumstances. My partner and I have navigated this new reality by compromising into a DADT relationship to some extent. I would describe our relationship as one of encouragement and support from her and acceptance of her ground rules on my part. While she does not want to see Robyn or participate in my transgendered life she willingly allows me plenty of time to present as I wish, either alone in the house or traveling to support group meetings and events enfemme. Our shared closet has all of Robyns wardrobe and we talk about me being transgendered often and without secrets. I know where she stands and she knows where I stand and we still love each other. All I can say is, always be keenly aware of how she must feel and be sensitive to those feelings. She needs support to.

Robyn 

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1 Reply
Lady
(@tamarajenson)
Joined: 1 month ago

Trusted Member     Florida, United States of America
Posts: 24

@robyn1408 Thank You Robyn for the insight. I appreciate You

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Posts: 324
Duchess
(@gracepal)
Honorable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 2 months ago

Robyn’s reply made me think of this: If you think of your feminine persona as a “third person” in your marital relationship it may be easier to deal with. I like to refer to “Grace” as a separate entity. Separate, but attached to the man she married, since she was around prior to. She’s a part of my personality and has been many years. Part of who I am, which hopefully makes your SO somewhat appreciative of your situation. After all, she fell in love with you right? But I don’t expect or require my wife to “love” Grace like I do.

I liken it to my wife’s two sons from her prior marriage. She’s their mother -so of course she loves them. But she doesn’t expect me to love them like she does. Nor do I. I never wanted children of my own. But we’ve managed to make our relationship be very successful, despite the fact that she has them, plus grandkids now. 

I can’t imagine a wife who really loves who she married - not going for this upon learning he’s a crossdresser. At the very least a “DADT” situation. If you’re transsexual - yeah, that’s a whole different story. But to get really upset over some clothes and makeup I wanna wear once in awhile? C’mon man, gimme a break. Not to mention the humorous aspect of the whole “old man in a dress” concept. Have fun with the whole thing. My wife and I sure do.

Maybe your opening line for telling your significant other should be…”Honey, you’re gonna laugh at this….”🥰

GP

 

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Posts: 487
Ambassador
(@beach-girl)
Honorable Member     United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

That's exactly how my wife is, Tamara

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3 Replies
Lady
(@tamarajenson)
Joined: 1 month ago

Trusted Member     Florida, United States of America
Posts: 24

@beach-girl If you don't mine me asking, how are you doing with the whole situation?

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Ambassador
(@beach-girl)
Joined: 7 years ago

Honorable Member     United States of America
Posts: 487

@tamarajenson Well, this is going to be long. First, some background.

As it's often been said, they didn't sign up for this. Although, I opened up to my wife, shortly after we got married, she didn't know about it beforehand. She tolerated for many years, but really didn't want to see it. My dressing was very clandestine & I was in the closet. There were times that I wore lingerie for love-making sessions. We once took a trip to Myrtle Beach & when unpacking, I found that she had packed a red, lacy babydoll nightie-- for me, not her. Sometimes, I would go full tilt with wig, earrings, stockings, make-up & perfume & she didn't seem to mind at all. In fact, I would have to say that she enjoyed it. She would admit that it was some of the best we've ever had. But after a while, she started to question her sexuality & wondered if she might have lesbian tendencies. I think that scared her. She became less & less OK with it. 

Around 2016, I discovered a CD/TG group, in Atlanta, & attended some of their meet-ups. Subsequently, I discovered CDH. Between those two, I became emboldened & Dawn came out of the closet. Initially, my wife seemed accepting of it. She even joined me in attending some meet-ups. We would occasionally have Girls Days Out, together-- makeovers, mani-pedis, shopping, lunch, etc. She used to buy me clothing, shoes, jewelry & more. But about 2-1/2 years ago, she changed. She wanted Dawn gone. She said that she'd never go with me to another CD function. She wanted me to purge & be the "husband who wanted to be a man". She wanted me to disassociate from other CDers. We ended up agreeing to Dawn continuing to exist, but only when my wife is at work. I have to be back to drab before she comes home. I told her that I've made some wonderful friends, through CDH, & I'm not giving them up.

We used to have a local meet-up group. We met monthly, but that was dissolved around December, 2022. I've tried, several times, to put it back together, but it's like herding cats. I've given up on that. So I told her that, if someone contacts me to join them for an outing or if someone else puts together a local meet-up, I'm going. That doesn't make her happy, but her husband does. And she means everything to me. She's my whole world. That's why we stay together. However, she says that, if I ever transition, she's leaving.

Yep, I hear her say things like "Everyone should be entitled to live their life the way they want without judgement from others" & "You only live once. Enjoy it the way you want". Well, it turns out that that applies to everyone except, you guessed it-- her husband. 

So, you asked how I'm handling the "whole situation". Well, it's not easy. The need to let the woman, in me, show is sometimes overpowering. I need to be the real me more, but for the sake of my marriage, I must suppress it. It's interesting to note that, about 20 years ago, I had some real issues with depression, anxiety & anger. My wife has often said that she thinks it was because I had to suppress my female self. So why is she restricting me, now?

You talk about the wives being accepting. Well, sometimes, we're the ones who need to be accepting of them. I've had to accept the rules that we've agreed to & accept that some days, she's much more tolerant than others. Her moods swing like a pendulum, but if I want to be Dawn, even on a limited basis, I have to live with that.

I don't think I've provided much advice in terms of your situation, but I hope it helped in some way. Best of luck to you.

Dawn

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Lady
(@tamarajenson)
Joined: 1 month ago

Trusted Member     Florida, United States of America
Posts: 24

@beach-girl Dawn Thank you so much for opening up about it. I have never stepped out at all, because it is difficult to do so, 1 i have a goatee, that i can never shave off, per my wife and 2 she would never allow me that freedom to do so, so meet ups is a big no go for me, which saddens me because I would love to meet with other CD's and chat and make more CD friends. This is a part of me and it is not going anywhere. I stay very much behind closed doors dress, unfortunately I not good at make up or anything in those regards. I love to dress and be in heels, so for now its dressed while working from home, because she works during the day, so that gives me the freedom to dress while she is at work. Thank you again for your insight, I can't image how hard it is for you to be so out, but yet so restricted.

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