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Standing out in front of our rural parochial school before we started training for the track team (I was a pole-vaulter btw), a young boy maybe 8 or 9 years old came by on his bicycle. Apparently he lived on the same block.
For the sake of ease, I'm going to call them they/them/theirs.
They went back and forth on their bike, smiling the whole time. As they got closer they started up a conversation with us, maybe more of a monologue. They told us that their grandma bought them this new bike for their birthday. This was a bit confusing because it was a girl's bike with the dip in the frame in front of the seat. I wondered if it was a used bike? No, it was brand new. They continued with a big smile, and then mentioned their new shorts that their mom had bought for them. Looking at the shorts, they were obviously girl's shorts. And it was a girl top that they were wearing.
My thought was wondering how they got support for wearing girls clothes, and a girls bike? We're talking 45 years ago! I'd already implicitly learned by that time that trangender was not something that you told ANYone, much less rode your bike around like that.
I was a bit confused and trying to figure this out when one of our guys turned away from the young one and rolled his eyes and said something about how that little one was going to have a rough way to go if their families continued their support. They were one of "those." He didn't even have a word for it. "Those."
The rest of the guys seemed to agree, turned and walked away from the little one. It was one of those moments that it was made clear that you don't want to be one of "those." It made it clear to me that I should never admit my desires, wants, needs when it came to crossdressing or wanting to be a girl. At least, not if wanted to fit in or avoid mockery.
I say this because there is so much conflict in me for Thanksgiving. I've been invited for a friendsgiving by a friend of mine who happens to be genderfluid and has a diverse group of friends coming. Some of the group is quite straight/cis, some not. I have come out to some of these people individually, but not to all of them. I feel an urge to dress genderqueer, or just wear a skirt or girl pants/jeans, but then I worry that I'd have to make a big announcement, and I don't really want all the attention, being an introvert and all.
This story of the boy on the bike is one of those hidden shame points that it's wrong and embarrassing to admit my feminine side, the girl within. It rose up as I thought about why I'm so terrified to come out in a group. I guess I associate the shame with groups more than individuals. Isn't that interesting?
Lorie,
It's an unfortunate aspect of our society that we are indoctrinated from early childhood that certain behavior is "unacceptable" for no particular reason. And unless you're a Rebel, you never question why, much less act. Your friend's offer seems the ideal chance to ease out of your shell and gain confidence; if not a skirt, then ladies' jeans or pants with an androgynous top. I've been in ladies' jeans exclusively for months, and nobody has even noticed. My suggestion is to go for it, and enjoy.
It seems like a really good opportunity to dress. I would definitely do it, and if you have to explain you would be a great representative. There's so little understanding of "us" on all sides that I think being in an environment that is supposedly accepting and I assume aware enough to know how hypocritical having a problem with your dressing would be it's an opportune time to establish what you are and your needs.
I Hon,
Go dressed as you like!!! WE make it hard on ourselves, WE make it difficult to come out and present as we wish to. Just as you said, it's the fear of being rejected. I went to a T-Day dinner party last night where there were about 80 people present. Some knew about me, some didn't and I must say I got such a warm welcome. So many people came to hug me, both girls and guys, I was a bit shocked but on cloud 9 at the same time. Yes, I got a couple of dirty looks and there were some who didn't talk to me, but that's OK, it's thier right to not accept me. But the hugs were so overwhelmingly good, I didn't care who snubbed me.
Sounds like you have a great group of people, very open minded, I'm sure if you went in girl mode you would have the time of your life and you would be accepted and respected. Give it a try, we are not kids anymore!!!
Good Luck, Breanna
Bren, thank you, that's such an encouraging story! I appreciate your support so much.
Aoife, Yes, it is all about me, isn't it? lol. I'll sleep on it.
Bettylou, the first half of your response is so true. We've seen the Rebels who stand out and stand up, but for an introvert like me, I've felt powerless. Until now.
I, too, have been wearing ladies jeans for years when in drab mode, though not skinny jeans. I think people are getting used to my androgynous and feminine flourishes.
I'm also in a place where I'm wondering if genderfluid is not necessarily going totally en femme. Like I said, a skirt would be fun, if I did very little makeup and no wig. I've been letting my hair grow. It's silver, and my wigs are brunette. The wigs would be a shock, though they would be a statement, lol.
Can't wait to see what I do!
Thanks for your support, it means a lot to me, all of you!
Love, Lorie
Go for it Lorie , those that know , know - those that don't , don't have to know. Sounds like an already enlightened guest list & support is around you xx Tiff 🌹🌹
Update: the day after Thanksgiving.
I wore skinny jeans, my bright blue running shoes, a women's blue long sleeve tshirt with a wide neck, a women's black shirt-jacket, a simple chipped-glass necklace, only clear nail polish, my hair is longer with it pulled forward a little, a dusting of foundation powder, a touch of eyebrow pencil. No one said anything, though there were 3 people there who have seen Lorie and could probably recognize my intention.
I walked in with no fanfare, everyone was fine.Through the evening I felt nervous, confident, feminine, too masculine, hiding, standing out on purpose. Quite a lot of conflicting emotions. At one point it was a feeling like, "what do you think you're doing?" like I wasn't feminine at all and the male was feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
My life coach made a good point about checking in with myself to see what kind of feminine expression I feel like putting on in the moment as I get ready for the evening. The outfit was perfect for me. It didn't draw attention, it fit in with the others. I was the only male there. I think they accepted me as one of them, because the conversation was girly. Let me qualify; the only guy except for the host who is genderfluid and is identifying male these days.
While feeling timid and insecure, I was afraid I would have to make an effort to speak up and carry my part of conversations, but then I thought that in a room full of women, they could carry it. Boy, did they! I settled back and interjected comments here and there, and quipped some of the best laugh lines.
And this morning I'm sitting here in all white lacy stuff.
So the journey continues.
Congratulation!!! I am sooo happy for you!! It sounds like you dressed very much like me on a daily basis. I have often felt me/we as crossdressers tend to over do the make up and wardrobe trying to fit in or pass. The reality is, less is more, not too much make up, don't wear your best dress to go to a simple get together as cis-gender woman don't do that. Sounds like you fit in perfectly and don't be too concerned obout your voice yet. Lucille Sorello sells a downloadable voice feminiation course that is very helpful in developing your female voice. I too used to worry about speaking but once I put some effort into practising my f/voice, I was able to find a comfortable tone in which to speak.
Hugs, Breanna
Hi Lorie, it's wonderful that you were able to attend a get-together for the holiday. You carry yourself so well and whether you present androgynous or fem, I see you being accepted anywhere you go. Unless they're stone cold haters. Never lose your confidence, Girlfriend hugs from Brittney.
Lorie, I haven't seen or heard of any rule that we girls MUST have drum rolls or trumpet fanfares when we decide to go out as ourselves. I don't remember ever doing that in a group in my life. Growing up, I was that young person on the bicycle. The bike I shared with my sister was obviously a girls bike, but I rode 'like the wind' and enjoyed being out in public dressed in girls shorts and tops and sandals, and my longish hair blowing in the breeze, from when I was about 6 until I finally got my driver's license. That bike, and I'm sure the one to boy was riding, gave us a sense of freedom from having to always hide ourselves from unaccepting people. We were out there, but you had to look to see us.
My first crush/bf would simply introduce me to his friends at parties and dinner's and such as his girl, or his girlfriend. Nothing out there and in their faces, just a simple introduction was all that was really needed.
I guess I just sort of slid quietly into the mainstream with making a giant splash and making everyone look. Some people need it quiet that way and other's need the drums and trumpets. Do it as you feel the most comfortable with yourself, loud and proud or quietly conquering the circle you choose to be in. Either way, people will choose one or another to enjoy your company or not. Do this for yourself, not for other people.
PaulaF
Paula, this is Wow! What you say is really sinking in with me. I'm moving toward the approach of just being myself without having to quantify it. I don't have to make a declaration, just me do me. Thank you for your insight.
Hugs, Lorie
