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The Balancing Act

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Posts: 5
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Topic starter
(@Anonymous 96493)
Active Member
Joined: 9 months ago

I’m 40 years old and started crossdressing when I was 8 years old. I current have three incredible children, one boy and two girls. My wife and I adore these kids of ours and they love us back. We have been very fortunate and blessed that, despite our divorce, we are totally united in raising our children. Which leads me to my biggest challenge in this journey I’m on. Where does my crossdressing/gender journey fit? What is most important to me in my life? My wife knows that I crossdress and so do a small number of people. But, generally speaking, I’m still in the closet, with the exception of all of you here and with close family members. I’m still in the closet with my children as well for a variety of reasons. One of the biggest challenges that I deal with and feel is that my children love me as there Dad, and I love being their Dad. That being said, I have this pull to crossdress with feelings of maybe wanting to transition on some form, but I don’t know what that means. When I start to think this way, I start to feel very selfish. So I’m currently in a place right now where I’m trying to find the balance in my life. Is it enough for me to just dress once a week? At nights in bed only? I usually only have one free night a week where I could dress. Is that enough for me? There are times where this behavior also leads me to act out in a sexual manner. Because of this, it leads me to feel like I’m being even more selfish and only caring about myself.  I’m not expecting any of you to give or provide answers, but it is something that I’m struggling with right now. I hope you all are doing well and realize that we are all in this journey together. 

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Guest
(@Anonymous 96493)
Joined: 9 months ago

Active Member
Posts: 5

@mirandamirage  thank you so much for having the courage to share with us!  I have similar feelings of wanting more of this feminine lifestyle, but wanting to be the father to my kiddos.  I don’t have any good answers or advice, but I appreciate you sharing.  I think that’s the first step.

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Guest
(@Anonymous 96493)
Joined: 9 months ago

Active Member
Posts: 5

@mirandamirage 

Many of our lives are a balancing act, including mine. You should honor your needs as much as you can. You are being a good parent in thinking about your children's needs also. With the hate in the world, I would think that your thoughts are valid. Your children could be the target of teasing at school if you were to show up crossdressed at a soccer game. Just my thoughts.

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Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 2210

@mirandamirage 

Hi, Miranda, thanks for sharing this, I believe lots of us would love to wear what we want, when we want but the consequences are not just ours.

Only you know you so any answers will come from such open sharing and seeing how others deal with this. So, continue to share and vent among friends 👗❤️

Allie x

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Lady
(@tia)
Joined: 9 months ago

Reputable Member     Shady Cove, Oregon, United States of America
Posts: 140

@mirandamirage One night a week is not enough for me but, I had to do it when family was around. My wife passed away and my kids are all grown so I am alone now and have no restrictions at home. It sounds selfish to me but, my life must go on and I have to make the best of it. I won't come out to my kids due to certain differences of opinion between us so, there is that. If you have good relations with them as a dad, you might ask them what they feel about gender identity in general and use that as a guide. They might surprise you with their openness about it. Kids now are much more aware than we were at their age. Good luck. Love you Tia

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 Lacy
Duchess
(@rholtman96)
Joined: 2 years ago

Reputable Member     Lincoln city, Oregon, United States of America
Posts: 198

@mirandamirage I have 2 children, 4 grandkids (two I raised), and 3 great grandkids non of them have any idea that I crossdress. I love being their father and grandfather and I plan on keeping them from knowing, but that's just me. We all have to make our own choices to make that are healthy for us individually.

Good Luck,

Lacy

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Guest
(@Anonymous 96493)
Joined: 9 months ago

Active Member
Posts: 5

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. I’m working on reading through them and trying to find the balance that will work for me moving forward. I’m meeting with my therapist again this week. The last time she and I met, I had been working through this as of it was an addiction and I hadn’t crossdressed since October of last year. These last two weeks I have crossdressed almost daily when I can so I’m quite nervous to review this with her again…. I had believed that it was a sexual addiction and now I’m questioning my thinking. It’s such a challenging roller coaster which is why I’m sad but also relieved that I’m divorced so that my wife doesn’t have to worry as much about my craziness as much any more. Trying to take things one day at a time and one step at a time, while realizing how important my kids are. I just feel like the more candid and honest I am about everything, the more the answers will come. Thank you all again for your words and encouragement. I believe I will figure this out in time…

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Lady
(@kimdl94)
Joined: 9 months ago

Reputable Member     Blearmill, Texas, United States of America
Posts: 175

@mirandamirage 

Hi Miranda;

You are not being selfish.  Quite the opposite.   It sounds as though you and your wife are in a good place and, honestly, as long as you have the responsibilities associated with having kids in the house, time for self expression will be limited.    You all love each other and that is worth the constraints.

As a parent, you probably already realize how fast time flies and how quickly your kids are growing up.   Before you know it, they’ll be out of the house and on their way.   Then you’ll have much more time and freedom to pursue your own explorations.   

Until then, my best suggestion is to consider an occasional weekend away with your wife.  Allow yourself and your wife a day or two now and then to experience and enjoy Miranda.  

 

Kim

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Duchess
(@alison-anderson)
Joined: 6 years ago

Noble Member     Middlesex county, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 1742

@mirandamirage I think the first thing you need to do is to do some soul searching and figure out where you want to be. This doesn't have to be an ultimate solution, as things may change over time. But right now, you don't know if you want to crossdress a little more, just at night, all the time, or transition (even if it is only socially).

If you are having trouble with the self questioning, perhaps a therapist would be of assistance in getting you to answer the questions you have about yourself.

Once you know where you want to go, you can then discuss it with your ex, and decide together when and if you want to tell the children.

I live with two adult children, and whether I'm fully dressed, or just wearing a skirt, they still call me dad. If you're just going to be dressing more but not around them, there be no change in how they address you. For me, since I was going out to meetings anyway on occasion, they were going to see me. Knowing I was going to get divorced, and they were adults (or nearly), I didn't want then to find stuff after I'm gone and then make assumptions without the ability to question me.

 

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Posts: 45
Lady
(@sroyer)
Estimable Member     Ontario, Canada
Joined: 11 months ago

Hugz Miranda,

Reading your post reminded me of the Robin Williams film - Ms. Doubtfire.  Albeit his character in the film was not strictly a CD per se.

Sometimes we all need a place to vent and having someone just listen and hear what is actually said...and also time for our feminine side to show.

It's like the french language that is used to describe our face...the nose is described as masculine, but the mouth described as a feminine.  Now was it the other way around?

Summer

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Posts: 45
Lady
(@sroyer)
Estimable Member     Ontario, Canada
Joined: 11 months ago

I forgot to add that....so using the french reasoning, we all possess both male and female automy that makes us whole.

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Posts: 2210
Ambassador
(@alexina)
Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

I agree, Summer and I would add, we all possess male and female aspects to our personalities. Recognising, embracing and expressing them both makes me feel whole.

Allie x

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Posts: 29
Lady
(@sunnydeana)
Trusted Member     Milwaukee, Wisconsin, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Hi Miranda,

Thank you for sharing this important personal dilemma with us. The vulnerability people show on this forum is one of the main reasons I've stuck around. 

I am also divorced with one child (a son who is 15). My son lives with me full time because my ex has mental and physical health issues that prevent her from caring for our son. I honestly don't mind it, because I love my son more than anything and I enjoy spending so much time with him. 

I have come out to him and he knows that I present as a woman. I now do it freely in front of him and we actually went to a movie last night together and I presented as Deanna. I struggle a lot questioning whether I've done him harm by coming out or presenting as Deanna. To use your language, I guess I have demonstrated some level of selfishness in presenting as a woman. That said, another perspective is that embracing your gender fluidity openly, honestly, and authentically, could also role model to your kids to do the same in their lives. I want that for my son, however his life should unfold. 

I am not at all saying I've figured this out, because I definitely haven't. I waver back and forth all the time about whether coming out to my son was the right thing to do. But I could not have an honest and healthy relationship with him hiding such a big part of myself. I also like to think my son and I have a strong relationship despite (or maybe because of) my gender-fluidity. There are clearly limits and healthy/needed boundaries in all this.

1) Strong communication. We talk openly about almost everything (there are limits - my son doesn't need to know about my sexual relationships with men, but that would be the case if those were relationships with women). I have asked him whether my dressing makes him feel uncomfortable and he has reassured me it doesn't. I've asked him whether he has any boundaries and he initially told me that he would prefer I don't dress in front of this friends. That was a couple years ago and now he doesn't even care if I dress in front of his friends, although I don't feel totally comfortable doing that yet. 

2) Consider what is age appropriate. Trying to understand gender fluidity at 10 is much different than understanding it at 15. I may suggest consulting some child development folks or literature on that. I would say that our kids tend to understand far more than we give them credit for. I started talking about gay and gender queer stuff with my kid when he was pretty young, to help him understand those things conceptually (gender expressions lies on a continuum and its socially constructed so gender =/= sex assigned at birth, etc). I only came out to him after he demonstrated an understanding of the basics of it. 

3) Love and understanding. It sounds like you love your kids very much. How you would feel if one of them told you that your dressing makes them feel uncomfortable? I have decided that if my son told (or ever tells) me that, I would have to make some really hard choices. I decided that I would not purge (I have wayyyyyy to much money invested in Deanna!), but I would scale back and dress less, especially if he were around until he goes off to college. 

Hopefully, if you should ever come out to your kids, you will have prepared them in way so you don't have to make that choice. 

best of luck in this complicated situation. 

Warmly, 

Deanna

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Posts: 3446
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

Life is full of constraints. We may have a favorite hobby and wish we could do it more or full time but there are those darned constraints and the question is,would we enjoy it as much? There is the anticipation and looking forward to it that adds to the enjoyment,isn't crossdressing the same?

It is of course confusing and frustrating while you try to work through the feelings and I suspect many of us have this issue. 

It is always difficult while you try to understand where you are with dressing and where you want to be. Once you understand yourself it will be easier to work a path to your fulfillment.

 

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Posts: 314
Lady
(@candycross)
Honorable Member     Queensland, Australia
Joined: 9 months ago

Life is a balancing act, however any action we take that may have an effect on others makes you question do we have a right to take the action. It's a difficult question and sadly you have to decide what's best for your own situation 

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Posts: 289
Lady
(@carlafirst11)
Honorable Member     So. California , California, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Hello Miranda, this is not an easy answer. I don’t know the age of your kids, my guess, they’re still very young, as a parent, we have the duty to protect them at all cost, childhood is very short anyway.

You may dress as much as you can/ or want for now, nothing wrong with it. You can experience that side of you while being dad to your kids in the other side. 

My opinion may differ from other people, but one thing I always have in mind is that our kids didn’t ask us to bring them into this world.

Best of luck to you, and I hope you can find a balance in your life without feeling any guilt.

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Posts: 53
Lady
(@pantyloverguy)
Estimable Member     Georgia, United States of America
Joined: 11 months ago

I have enjoyed crossdressing since I was a little child, while married for 15 years I suppressed my desire because the woman I was married to became more of a bigot the older she got to the point that she is insufferable to be around. I keep my crossdressing from everyone I know but since I'm an empty nester I do get to enjoy it everyday. I have kept it from my daughters, one would be ok but the other would be uncomfortable and I don't plan to invite them into Carla's world.

I do dress and go out, I even cut my grass yesterday with a bikini top and short short cutoff jeans. I have a baseball cap with built in wig so when I'm out in the yard and I want to be in a bikini top I wear the hat so I look female when people drive by. I also wear that hat with wig when driving my old Wrangler with the top down, I like to wear a real tight tank with booty shorts when driving my Jeep.

Even with my ability to really enjoy my girly things I'm still very careful to balance Carla with the guy that also lives in her cabin. 

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