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I’m 40 years old and started crossdressing when I was 8 years old. I current have three incredible children, one boy and two girls. My wife and I adore these kids of ours and they love us back. We have been very fortunate and blessed that, despite our divorce, we are totally united in raising our children. Which leads me to my biggest challenge in this journey I’m on. Where does my crossdressing/gender journey fit? What is most important to me in my life? My wife knows that I crossdress and so do a small number of people. But, generally speaking, I’m still in the closet, with the exception of all of you here and with close family members. I’m still in the closet with my children as well for a variety of reasons. One of the biggest challenges that I deal with and feel is that my children love me as there Dad, and I love being their Dad. That being said, I have this pull to crossdress with feelings of maybe wanting to transition on some form, but I don’t know what that means. When I start to think this way, I start to feel very selfish. So I’m currently in a place right now where I’m trying to find the balance in my life. Is it enough for me to just dress once a week? At nights in bed only? I usually only have one free night a week where I could dress. Is that enough for me? There are times where this behavior also leads me to act out in a sexual manner. Because of this, it leads me to feel like I’m being even more selfish and only caring about myself. I’m not expecting any of you to give or provide answers, but it is something that I’m struggling with right now. I hope you all are doing well and realize that we are all in this journey together.
Hugz Miranda,
Reading your post reminded me of the Robin Williams film - Ms. Doubtfire. Albeit his character in the film was not strictly a CD per se.
Sometimes we all need a place to vent and having someone just listen and hear what is actually said...and also time for our feminine side to show.
It's like the french language that is used to describe our face...the nose is described as masculine, but the mouth described as a feminine. Now was it the other way around?
Summer
I forgot to add that....so using the french reasoning, we all possess both male and female automy that makes us whole.
I agree, Summer and I would add, we all possess male and female aspects to our personalities. Recognising, embracing and expressing them both makes me feel whole.
Allie x
Hi Miranda,
Thank you for sharing this important personal dilemma with us. The vulnerability people show on this forum is one of the main reasons I've stuck around.
I am also divorced with one child (a son who is 15). My son lives with me full time because my ex has mental and physical health issues that prevent her from caring for our son. I honestly don't mind it, because I love my son more than anything and I enjoy spending so much time with him.
I have come out to him and he knows that I present as a woman. I now do it freely in front of him and we actually went to a movie last night together and I presented as Deanna. I struggle a lot questioning whether I've done him harm by coming out or presenting as Deanna. To use your language, I guess I have demonstrated some level of selfishness in presenting as a woman. That said, another perspective is that embracing your gender fluidity openly, honestly, and authentically, could also role model to your kids to do the same in their lives. I want that for my son, however his life should unfold.
I am not at all saying I've figured this out, because I definitely haven't. I waver back and forth all the time about whether coming out to my son was the right thing to do. But I could not have an honest and healthy relationship with him hiding such a big part of myself. I also like to think my son and I have a strong relationship despite (or maybe because of) my gender-fluidity. There are clearly limits and healthy/needed boundaries in all this.
1) Strong communication. We talk openly about almost everything (there are limits - my son doesn't need to know about my sexual relationships with men, but that would be the case if those were relationships with women). I have asked him whether my dressing makes him feel uncomfortable and he has reassured me it doesn't. I've asked him whether he has any boundaries and he initially told me that he would prefer I don't dress in front of this friends. That was a couple years ago and now he doesn't even care if I dress in front of his friends, although I don't feel totally comfortable doing that yet.
2) Consider what is age appropriate. Trying to understand gender fluidity at 10 is much different than understanding it at 15. I may suggest consulting some child development folks or literature on that. I would say that our kids tend to understand far more than we give them credit for. I started talking about gay and gender queer stuff with my kid when he was pretty young, to help him understand those things conceptually (gender expressions lies on a continuum and its socially constructed so gender =/= sex assigned at birth, etc). I only came out to him after he demonstrated an understanding of the basics of it.
3) Love and understanding. It sounds like you love your kids very much. How you would feel if one of them told you that your dressing makes them feel uncomfortable? I have decided that if my son told (or ever tells) me that, I would have to make some really hard choices. I decided that I would not purge (I have wayyyyyy to much money invested in Deanna!), but I would scale back and dress less, especially if he were around until he goes off to college.
Hopefully, if you should ever come out to your kids, you will have prepared them in way so you don't have to make that choice.
best of luck in this complicated situation.
Warmly,
Deanna
Life is full of constraints. We may have a favorite hobby and wish we could do it more or full time but there are those darned constraints and the question is,would we enjoy it as much? There is the anticipation and looking forward to it that adds to the enjoyment,isn't crossdressing the same?
It is of course confusing and frustrating while you try to work through the feelings and I suspect many of us have this issue.
It is always difficult while you try to understand where you are with dressing and where you want to be. Once you understand yourself it will be easier to work a path to your fulfillment.
Life is a balancing act, however any action we take that may have an effect on others makes you question do we have a right to take the action. It's a difficult question and sadly you have to decide what's best for your own situation
Hello Miranda, this is not an easy answer. I don’t know the age of your kids, my guess, they’re still very young, as a parent, we have the duty to protect them at all cost, childhood is very short anyway.
You may dress as much as you can/ or want for now, nothing wrong with it. You can experience that side of you while being dad to your kids in the other side.
My opinion may differ from other people, but one thing I always have in mind is that our kids didn’t ask us to bring them into this world.
Best of luck to you, and I hope you can find a balance in your life without feeling any guilt.
I have enjoyed crossdressing since I was a little child, while married for 15 years I suppressed my desire because the woman I was married to became more of a bigot the older she got to the point that she is insufferable to be around. I keep my crossdressing from everyone I know but since I'm an empty nester I do get to enjoy it everyday. I have kept it from my daughters, one would be ok but the other would be uncomfortable and I don't plan to invite them into Carla's world.
I do dress and go out, I even cut my grass yesterday with a bikini top and short short cutoff jeans. I have a baseball cap with built in wig so when I'm out in the yard and I want to be in a bikini top I wear the hat so I look female when people drive by. I also wear that hat with wig when driving my old Wrangler with the top down, I like to wear a real tight tank with booty shorts when driving my Jeep.
Even with my ability to really enjoy my girly things I'm still very careful to balance Carla with the guy that also lives in her cabin.