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I know I've been blowing up the board with my rambling posts lately, but it's just pouring out. If you've been keeping up, thank you! It means more to me than you'll ever know. But now I think it's confession time because, well, this matters. One more ramble and I'll try to dial it back.
At the beginning of July I took a vacation from work. Over that break, I began to reconnect with myself and my deeper desires again. I was browsing around on Temu and for the first time in forever I ordered a few femme items to keep me cozy. I get more alone time in my apartment these days, so I just figured it'd be nice to have a few new things. That's when the spark happened.
Now, I've spend nearly the past 19 years working in retail hell. It wasn't so much the jobs I did that drove me nuts, it was constantly being around women's clothing sections and eyeing all the beautiful clothes I wanted to get and mostly couldn't. Add to that, horrid working environment, crappy people, and ding dongs for bosses. It all got to be too much. When I returned from my vacation I limped along til the end of the month and first week in August after I cracked my skull doing my work and then later my "leader" decided to pull her usual bs attitude and that was it. I finished the work I was doing and went home. I didn't go back. I'm still wondering if there are grounds to bring a lawsuit against them, the things that went on were simply incredulous. The least of which being a kid being threatening then walking up to me, putting a finger in my face and shouting F you! And HR did nothing because the kids mommy was a store leader. I was done. I couldn't put up with their philosophy of "it's not how good you are at your job or how well you know it. It's only about whether or not we like you." direct quote from leadership on multiple occasions. Nope!
Anyway, I've spent these weeks getting in touch with Amanda. Even more, I've been getting lost in her unlike ever before. Now, I'm a person of well above average intelligence. I've been to college but didn't finish. I've basically floated through life just never finding that I belonged. nothing was really calling to me. Other than the personal desires I had, the rest was even more of a mystery. I didn't come from a very nurturing environment either. Had no mentors, nobody that encouraged a single good thing in me. So I went along simply believing I was just no good. Worthless. Broken. I don't think I need to paint that picture any clearer.
The epiphany.
When I was in college, it was the same. I was just aimlessly taking classes. Eventually I got hooked when I took psychology. Psych and journalism were going to be my majors going forward but I ended up not going back with only a tiny bit to go to get my associates degree and I haven't been back since.
As I sat here rethinking every step of my life, I put 2 and 2 together. Suddenly...lights, bells, whistles, sirens all started going off at once. Could this be my true purpose finally revealing itself to me? You tell me.
In order to make my journey, and do so completely I know I'm gonna need a monumental amount of help from the community. If all goes well, my plan then, is to spend the remainder of my years giving back to that community.
First, I want to document my experiences as much as possible. You see, what I never mentioned is the attitude I adopted for awhile about transitioning. I convinced myself it was nothing more than creating a fancy illusion. I've never seen dressing up as automatically meaning that one wants a sex change, they just indulge that femme side that's all. So that's what I'll be. I know, you can only it hold it back for so long. I distanced myself as much as I could from that train of thought and to my great shame, didn't do a better job trying to be more friendly to the transitioning girl we had at work.
I had gone so far as to convince myself the entire process was a joke. But if it made people happy...hey, enjoy! Then it was out of sight out of mind. That only led flat out bitterness. I was hating everything and everyone because of how bad I hate myself. I hadn't killed those feelings I had, merely locked them up and buried them. So I think I can safely say I've stood on both sides of the aisle when it comes to the issues on transgenderism.
I have not had any intimate physical contact with another human in over 25 years. I haven't had a single night out with a friend in just over a decade now. I only ever leave to work, run errands, and shop. That's it. I can offer perhaps one of the best cautionary tales in the universe about how badly not dealing with this properly can effect someone. The damage it will cause. There have been others like me to be sure, I'm guessing the majority of them simply opted out. The fact I'm here and haven't given up just yet, is a testament not a tragedy. I gotta give it a happy ending though! I think sharing my experiences can be another brick in the road towards understanding and acceptance. Perhaps even save a life or two along the way.
And then, seeing I may use a bit of it myself, I'm thinking about learning the art of hypnotherapy. I've held an interest in that for ages, and I never really knew why. I've read about how it can be used to drastically change and mold behaviors and I think that's the absolute perfect place to make a home. Helping others achieve their most complete transitions couldn't be a better or more rewarding place to land!
There have been no less than a dozen times in my life where I should not have survived. One of them I had flatlined and been revived. I thought it was a curse, maybe not. I always liked to think there was something big I was supposed to do in life, and I now wonder if this could be it. That little voice usually mumbling out from the back of my head is screaming loud and clear in full blast stereo surround "yes...yes...YES!!!" over and over again.
Also, something else happens when I've been on this line of thinking lately. Everything stops. There is a peace and calm in me I can't say I've ever known. Sometimes even giddy! Where before I could never see myself as doing or being anything I can actually now see myself in a happy place and doing something truly fulfilling. That's already a miracle!
Somebody special out there is going to stumble across me one day. We're going to spend a lot of time talking about a lot of things and when it's all said and done I hope I can come back to this very post and make anyone who believed in me as proud as they can ever be.
I've found my reason to live!
-Amanda
Oh yeah, notice I posted my pic. Not the best, a little fuzzy and not all revealing. But that's just basic me hair/wig/dress and sunglasses...nothing else. No shapers, no makeup, just plain basic me. Just only a week ago I'd never in a million years thought that I would have ever posted a picture of any kind much less anything that revealed any of my face. Change is already happening.
@amandasdream Sending you a virtual hug.
You did the right thing to walk away from the job. I did just that a few years ago from a highly paid role which I had reached the point that it was ruining my life and it took me being told by a couple of people to understand this. Leaving was a huge leap of faith as it was what I knew, but I have never once regretted it and now make a decent living doing something I love.
Your post says you've just found an overall opportunity in life to be yourself and do what you want to do and I'm really pleased that you've found that after having a horrible job.
Enjoy your freedom,
Anna xx
Amanda, I said in my welcome to you that rambling is where the best stuff is and wow! your "ramble" will be instantly recognisable to many of us here. I wrote, only recently, that I can now look back over the past 50 years and see why I have battled emotional and behavioural problems for much of that time. There are, and have always been, two distinct halves of my personality, both equally valid but I have denied and suppressed one of them.
The irony is that Allie, who has been denied, is, without doubt, the better part of me! She (I), listens, empathises, and cares about others because she is happy with herself.
I'm more than happy to say, this has blended into my male half so that I now feel more complete than I ever have.
Now, I have the support of my wife, which makes a huge difference from the years of hiding and consequent shame and guilt that I felt in the past.
However, it is being able to share with the girls here and the friends I've made that really enabled changes in my life. This is why so many of us love it here and wax lyrical about this community. This is now your community too 😊. Please do continue to share your journey with us and, hopefully, find the peace and strength to effect the changes you want to see in your own life.
Oh, I hope you're pleased with your pic, I do like your skirt and top, lovely style! This is the first place I've posted pics of me dressed. Hell, it's the first time I've ever taken selfies, far less of me en femme!
Thanks for sharing this with us, know that we are always here for you.
Allie x
@amandasdream Your experiences at work are the kind that are getting more and more common in our culture today, and if a person is in good enough shape financially, then they are lucky that they can walk away from it. I've worked in different parts of the country, and the most likable people, and working conditions, are in the Dakotas. And good money up there, too.
I really like your photo. You look lovely. I wish I had a nice figure like that!
Dani
@amandasdream So glad you shared your story and let us in to your feelings, Amanda. I can sympathize with your retail experience, I worked 40 years with a major retailer, much of it part-time. Had to make ends meet with 3 kids. I spent almost 20 years getting up at 4 AM to get to work unloading trucks at 5 AM, then get to my main job at 8 AM and work 8+ hours there. Gets so your mind and body just go on automatic and you can't think of anything else.
I hope your can find yourself and your place in the world. Finding a good friend can be difficult, but be yourself and a pleasant person and people will want to be your friend.
Cassie
@amandasdream Oh sister! You hit the nail right on the head. The feeling of worthlessness is such a roadblock. It took me ten years to finish my associate degree. The first year just after high school then into the Service to get away from an overbearing father. Fortunately, I entered a career that had limited contact with the public. Machines are much easier to fix than humans and when you swear at then they don't get their feelings hurt.
Take care of yourself first and the rest of the world can sort itself out.
Love Tia
Hi Amanda,
It often pays to write it all down and look it over, a jumble of thoughts that become solid in front of you, not kept in the mind only to be jumbled up again. Picking through the text there are pointers to where things went wrong and solutions. Sorting the wheat from the chaff there is a plan, a path to take, it makes sense, probably obvious all the time.
Set those down separately, prioritise and work with them to achieve the aim.
Seek help and advice where you can but retain the goal.
At least you know you have friends here who can help guide you and lend support.
Amanda you are a very very strong souled person. I admire that in you. Have you ever gone to transformations by rori? It is in Arlington Heights and it would definitely do you good. Just remember you are never alone here on cdh!
Hi Amanda, Stacie is right. It seems that you are close enough to Transformations by Rori that you could stop in and at the very least get some info on the gatherings that are coordinated in the Illinois area. If you go to transformationsbyrori you can find a calendar there that lists various group meets. It might be useful to get in touch and attend a meeting. Here in Wisconsin, I attend a very nice meeting in Green Bay but that might be a very long drive for you. Safe Journey, Marg
@margprodue LOL! Green Bay? Now that's putting my life on the line, I may get picked off by a crazy Bears fan trying to get home! Joking of course!
Well, I took all the "me" time I could take to get myself straightened back out again. Mentally, I feel free. I mean, I still have issues to get back to, but for the moment at least I'm in a serene place. And it feels so good and sooo long overdue. But I also had some physical hurts that needed to heal too. The physicality of the work I was doing was quite simply, insane. At times I walking 5 miles to work. 15-20 miles doing my work. Then the 5 mile walk home. And when I begged to be moved to a job that wouldn't throw so many miles on my legs, they looked at me like I was trying to get out of working. I was in every shape way and form you can think of...exhausted! But I'm mending now and starting to feel better than I have in years.
Right now, unless something happens in the meantime to accelerate the process I'm gonna look around a bit. Perhaps just finding a good group I can go meet without having to fork over large sums of money or sign any contracts in blood. I also don't want to force anything. I can't risk spooking myself again like I've done in the past. Something tells me this time I won't.
So far, this has been a great start for me.
Sounds like a good plan. Just take it slowly. Marg
Living near Chicago is all the reason I need to take it slow. I know there is a great community in the city as well, but I've never really been one for the big city. Those are adventures better left up to times you can go with friends. I've identified one group in the city so far I may check out. I'm going to reach out to the person who runs it and find out what I might be in for before I attend a meeting myself. It's in a bit of an odd dinnertime slot, but that may just work out nicely.
@amandasdream Amanda, I think that is a very sensible way to approach it. I hope that it works out well for you. Marg
