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Hello Ladies!
My wife and children are the most important in my life to me. I believe that when I get over my "chicken-shitty-ness" and tell my wife the full extent of my "appreciation for all things feminine"..... that she will be accepting. I believe 3 of our 4 children will also be accepting and the 4th will simply tolerate it. The grandchildren are getting older now, and maybe 1 of 5 would not be accepting.
Out side of those very important people, the next most important person in my life is my brother. We were raised together in a household that I sometimes refer to as the manly-man indoctrination center. Two years ago my wife and I met my brother and my SIL at a restaurant for dinner. After we were shown to our table, we took off out coats and jackets and were seated. I was wearing a button down men's shirt that was a floral pattern on a black back ground. At the time I had just started putting my hair in a pony tail as I was trying to grow it out to donate to charity. So there I was with a pony tail for the first time in my life that my brother had ever seen. He came seriously close to losing his shit right there in the restaurant. My SIL had to calm him down. Because I had a pony tail and a men's floral shirt.
In time he came to accept the pony tail because I was growing it to donate it to Wigs for Kids. But he certainly did not make any comments that would be considered appreciative. I haven't worn that shirt in his presence since then and I have acquired a couple of other interesting men's shirts he will never see. At least, not intentionally.
The truth is though, I know I can never ever come out to him without losing him from my life. I am a cisgendered CD. I may not like my brother's attitude towards LGBTQIA+ but if I want him in my life, I have to accept him the way I want to be accepted.
My brother and I are very different in a lot of ways. I tend to see him in the same way that war veterans see each other. Former comrades in arms. Our childhood wasn't the worst in the world. We grew up in a middle class burb. Good neighborhood, good school district. We weren't spoiled by a long shot but we weren't impoverished either. We did have a very powerful father who was an angry drunk. I won't go into details. Suffice it to say my brother is the only person in the world who truly understands what that was like. We survived. Even though I only really see him a handful of times a year, and we don't talk on the phone and hardly ever text (although he always remembers to text me on my birthday and father's day), there is something there in our relationship that I desperately need and would never let go of.
I am sharing this after reading another's post. That post got me thinking. While we have many wonderful ladies who espouse the idea that all the closeted ladies should "just do it" and throw caution to the wind and go out fully dressed in the world for it will be joyous!! Well..... I wrote this to remind some of our beautiful well intentioned ladies that some of us know what it is that we might lose, and we have made our choice.
BTW, I feel I am being well intentioned by sharing this. Some might feel offended by this post, and if you are I apologize, but being offensive wasn't my point.
So lets open this up for discussion. Have you made the same choice or have you chosen differently and why.
Hugs,
Autumn
@augustvaliant I don't think that I will ever come out to my brother or father as I don't think they would accept this.
I have thought about telling my sister or mother but don't think it's a good idea as the rest of my family will quickly find out.
My wife and a small number of my female friends know about Anna and that suits me just fine.
@annaredhead I have other relatives not mentioned in my post. Most would have very negative reactions if they knew. But it isn't their opinion of me that would matter to me, just the possibility that if they knew, then they would tell my brother. Some day I hope to say my wife and a small number of female friends know.... that would be fine 😉
Thanks for opening that topic. I totally understand the logic of your choice. At this stage I am not out to my family (for a variety of reasons, not that I think it would be at all problematic, but mainly because I don't need to be out to them at this stage). However I am totally out to the rest of the local world.
We all make our choices; sometimes it is because we are uncertain or fearful of the outcome, sometimes we feel we are pretty certain of the outcome and don't want to go there. We each have our own journey. May you enjoy each step of your journey and revel in those occassions when the steps bring unexpected good outcomes!
Hugs, Rebecca x
Theres no one-size fits all solution to questions like this. At the end of the day, we each must be able to live with our decisions, however difficult or compromised they may be.
What I might do in a given situation is beside the point. At best it's just advice and opinion. Take it for what it is.
I'm trans. Many of you know that. I'm out to everyone...with one important exception. My father. He is 96, in poor health, and very set in his ways. I know he is incapable of understanding. He simply couldn't handle the truth. I've chosen to not tell him because I think the shock would kill him. No exaggeration. He will pass on HIS schedule. Not mine.
That said, I do not make any effort to alter my appearance. He's seen my long, highlighted hair. The feminine arch in my brows. The jewelry. My girly jeans and tops. My 'no makeup' makeup. And yes, the long-term physical effects of hormones. It's pointless to hide. How he hasn't noticed is beyond me. Maybe he's just too far gone. Or maybe he's choosing to ignore what's plainly obvious because he doesn't want to know the truth. If he does ask, I won't lie. What would I say? I hope we never have that convo.
With everyone else, I'm completely transparent. I've been very fortunate to not lose anyone. If I ever do, it's on them.
As @melodeescarlet so often reminds us, how someone reacts says everything about them and nothing about me. I'll add to that and say anyone that rejects me for being authentic is not my friend. As far as I'm concerned, they don't deserve to be in my life. True friends and loved ones will accept me regardless of my trans-ness.
Liz xx
#transisbeautiful
@augustvaliant There is no reason to be apologetic among us. We each have our own style and restrictions. What others do is their business. You do you.
I feel for you, Autumn, because I am more or less in the same boat. While my wife at least tolerates my crossdressing (it isn't blatantly in her face in public), my brothers will never find out and there is reason to be cautious about it with our daughter, too.
As for the flowered shirt, I'd be tempted to wear it more often. Maybe not around your brother, but I would like to get more mileage out of something that got that kind of attention. 🥳
My eldest brother and I are chalk and cheese. My politics are to the left, whereas he's always right. Nevermind crossdressing, he's disapproved of my lifestyle for over 50 years. We get on by not seeing each other more than twice a year, typically for the course of a day. A coffee in the afternoon and a meal later. We can just about manage before one of us offers an opinion that the other won't let pass.
If I ever told him of my inclinations, he'd probably assume I was winding him up again. But he's my brother. I still remember the time he carried the can, when as kids our mum laid into him for pinching her cigarettes, Him knowing full well it had to me that was the culprit. And if ever the s**t hit my fan, I've got the feeling that he'd be there for me, and hopefully I would for him. But will I tell him about this part of me? No.
[mischievious chortle /on] He still lives on the outskirts of Leeds. I'll take the opportunity to drop in when I go up to LFF [mischievious chortle /off].
@emmat so very similar with me and my brother. It does match why we sometimes go longer without seeing each other. Usually after a disagreement on the left vs right
Someone's reaction to you says everything about them, and nothing about you.
Whatever existing notions your brother (or kids or grandkids) has about what a man dressing up like a woman are - they are entirely built upon their opinions and/or experiences. That's it. Maybe they had a bad experience with a CD/TG person, or maybe they're afraid they're gay, or maybe they're just afraid of anyone thinking they're gay, or who knows what.
In your exact instance I'd guess that your brother is still thinking about how your angry father might react - and either he's replicating that as 'the good son', or in a sort of twisted way he's thinking that he's keeping you from that imagined wrath. But categorically, unequivocally it's about him.
It doesn't make you gay. It doesn't mean you're a bad person out to wreck someone's life. It doesn't mean a single thing about you.
I'm not sure I agree with the, "I'll always accept him despite his ideas/behavior, though the reverse is patently untrue" situation, but people are complex and there could certainly be reasons you need to have that presence in your life.
I hope you find some peace and happiness. I'm certain you're worthy of it.
@melodeescarlet Thank you Melodee. I know all that you say is true. I didn't say have to accept him the way he accepts me... I said I have to accept him the way I want to be accepted. I know the reverse isn't true. it's sad but true.
@augustvaliant Yes, I get it. When it comes to family a lot of the rules we hold for others go right out the window. :/
Whatever existing notions your brother (or kids or grandkids) has about what a man dressing up like a woman are - they are entirely built upon their opinions and/or experiences. That's it. Maybe they had a bad experience with a CD/TG person, or maybe they're afraid they're gay, or maybe they're just afraid of anyone thinking they're gay, or who knows what.
I DON'T PLAN ON COMING OUT TO ANY OF MY FAMILY, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT GOING TO GO OUT DRESSED. I COULD PROBABLY WALK RIGHT BY THEM AND THEY WOULDN'T KNOW ITS ME BECAUSE THEY NEVER SEEN ME DRESSED. AS LONG AS I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT I SHOULD BE ALRIGHT. AND IF THEY FIND OUT I DRESS AND DON'T LIKE IT THEN ITS THEIR PROBLEM, NOT MINE. I'M STILL THE SAME PERSON I WAS BEFORE THEY KNEW.
I understand you Valiant. There are so many factors in peoples make up that makes the final product. There are those that will not stray outside of their beliefs, others who are prepared to accept in some way conditionally or and those who will embrace you unconditionally. Then there is the individual who is about to embark on the coming out and they have differing emotional and practical considerations to.
Knowing someone well, especially families is a key to coming out as they will be the ones you know best. Long standing friends and colleagues are another. Even then you never know as there could, as has been said, something that will leave them unable to accept. I lost a very long standing female friend of over forty years who I told and had a level of acceptance but down the line she cut me off completely. Another male friend of many years was to be included in a group that were to be told. A few of the wives knew and felt the time was right however one said that her partner who I have known before they met would not accept it. Now he was in a senior position and even a Trans champion within his organisation! I do know however his background, parents and his thoughts so wasn't surprised. The Trans champion was to gain better credibility and promotion at work so he was left out and I understand why but still value his friendship although we do not see each other a lot.
I understand those who say just do it and sort out the issues after as what is done is done. My way was to sound them out and make the decision who and when to tell. The majority are accepting, a couple conditionally and a couple that have dropped me. Yes it hurts but overall it has to be expected to lose some but the majority takes the pain away.
There is no one fix for this.
Hi Autumn,
I'm still well and truly stuck in the closet to all my family and friends, I've got lots of Tshirts with slogans on but most of my man shirts have a floral trend, all different colours and all different flower styles on them, back in the 70s and 80s a lot of men's shirts and flower designs on them, back then we even had matching ties to go with them, the more fashion changes the more it stays the same,
Love Roz ❤️
This is the second topic I have seen on this subject. The posts themselves and the replies are interesting.
I dress for me, it is a way for me to connect with my femme side which I have kept hidden from myself for decades. I finally admitted my desire to dress to my wife a few years ago. I am in therapy and have been for a few years, I find it to be very helpful in helping me to understand my desire to dress and to embrace my femme side. To the best of my knowledge my wife and therapist are the only ones to know about Suzanne. I am comfortable only dressing at home although I have dressed for therapy sessions in the past and will again in the future. I have no intention of telling my sisters about my dressing, nor my daughter, my son on the other hand I have hinted to. I know he will not say anything to anyone else in the family as there are other discussions we have had on other topics that he has kept to himself. As much as I find going out in public intriguing I don't ever see it happening. There are a number of reasons for that that I won't go into now but the one major one is that my wife doesn't want me to and that is good enough for me. I have pierced ears and wear earrings 24/7, usually studs or small hoops but do on occasion wear my femme earrings in the house and sometimes the less flashy ones outside the house. I've worn knee high nylons and ankle boots, with my wife's knowledge, outside the house and underdress in panties at times. We each do what we can which is better than denying ourselves the opportunity to express our femme side.
XOXO
Suzanne
