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The power of one

12 Posts
10 Users
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Posts: 28
Duchess
Topic starter
(@melaniew)
Trusted Member     South Glamorgan, United Kingdom
Joined: 2 months ago

Isn't it incredible how coming out to one person can transform the way some of us feel about our dressing? I thought I had come to terms with this part of my life, it took me about 35 years to finally lose the guilt and denial but the practicalities of life left me little space to do much with that reconciliation. Thinking about it a lot, dressing only a little and putting it low on the list of priorities because that's the way it has to be.

A couple of months ago I made the leap of talking it through with someone else. It felt like a landmark moment on this journey. She said to me what I had been suppressing - that in denying myself the chance to dress I was being unfair and neglectful to myself. To hear that was so liberating and at long last I'm prepared to say to myself I have a right and a pretty fundamental need to express myself this way - with due consideration to others, naturally.

And yes, she is my therapist x

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11 Replies
5 Replies
Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 2192

@melaniew 

Hi, Melanie, thanks for sharing this.

denying myself the chance to dress I was being unfair and neglectful to myself.

I think that is one of the most insightful and affirming statements I've ever heard! Your therapist is definitely a keeper, well for as long as you need her anyway.

Allie x

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Duchess
(@gracepal)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 1017

@melaniew You and I are similar in that we have wonderful wives Melanie. Mine’s the same as yours and yes, with a partner you can communicate with, a therapist is totally unnecessary🥰

GP

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Duchess
(@melaniew)
Joined: 2 months ago

Trusted Member     South Glamorgan, United Kingdom
Posts: 28

@gracepal I think you misunderstood 😊 

The conversation was with my therapist - things as they are right now that conversation is only possible with her. The next step for me is to change that. 

I’ve been very lucky to have such a brilliant, skilful counsellor. She’s changed everything.

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Duchess
(@gracepal)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 1017

@melaniew You’re absolutely right. I misunderstood.

GP

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 Dani
Lady
(@danirost)
Joined: 3 years ago

Estimable Member     Central, Illinois, United States of America
Posts: 177

@melaniew Thank you for sharing. It's amazing how hard it is to talk about it face to face and in person with someone. I mean we can be online like this and feel "safe" from judgement and being outed. But when you can do it face to face with someone, aka therapist, it's so liberating. When I first told my therapist I felt like a mountain had been lifted off my shoulders. I was almost giddy. She and I have talked about that first "telling" many times now. I can tell her anything about Dani and there is no judgement. Only support. 

Yes, thank you for reminding me. Just thinking about it makes me feel good all over again. 

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Posts: 827
Lady
(@dazzler)
Noble Member     Cardiff, South Glamorgan, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

I've said many times on here that sharing the secret loses it's power. The more people that know, the less power the secret has. I'm now fully out in the open. The secret has no power over me anymore. 
The person you spoke to sounds a lot like my counsellor. Some years back, thanks to the deeds of a close family member, I fell into deep depression. I was struggling to cope. My crossdressing helped, but the angst it caused between my wife and myself at the time meant that I tried not to dress.... This added to my depression. I found my counsellor, a bearded transwoman. She helped me no end, both in dealing with my reaction to my relation's deeds and how to live with it, and my crossdressing. She made me realise that I am what I am, and nothing could change that. My desire/need to crossdress would never go away.  She taught me to accept it as part of me. I'm in Cardiff. I wonder if we share the same counsellor. Finding one that could deal with both my major issues at the time limited my choices. To be fair to my wife, she said that it was OK for me to dress, I just felt guilty doing so, and every now and then I would push the boundaries and cause hassle. It was the guilt of causing the hassle that I struggled with. 
Whilst I was in my well of depression, I spent a lot of time in my head. I would tackle my demons one by one as they surfaced. I leaned something. Something that will stick with me forever.

Demons.... You have two options. Banish them, or accept them.

Some demons you can work through. Change things, make it so they are no longer a problem. This banishes them and they are no longer a problem. They have no power over you.

Some demons you cannot do anything about. I have no power over what my relation did. I have no power over me need/desire to crossdress. Nothing I could do would stop these demons going away.. They were now part of me. An indelible part of me. Tattooed on my soul. It was pointless trying to fight them. pointless trying to banish them. I accepted them. This was my life. This is it. they were part of me, and there was nothing I could do to stop this.... I found that accepting them was 99.99% as good as banishing them. Once I accepted them they lost all their power. They don't go away, but they are no longer causing me trouble. It's pointless worrying about them. Like a scar, they are there forever. Crack on with life. Demons you accept are part of who you are. 

I have carried this banish or accept philosophy with me ever since. It works. I still get demons. Depression returns now and then, thankfully not as deep. when the demons start circling, I catch one. I examine it. I talk to it. Over time, I learn if I can banish it, or whether to accept it. One way or the other, the demon is powerless, and I move on to the next one!
You appear to have accepted who and what you are. The demon has lost its power over you. Be empowered by this. Be the best you that you can be. Life is too short. Live it!

Cerys

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Posts: 3437
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

It is a pivotal moment when you finally come out to someone, no matter who it is and receive support.

It took me many years to finally open up and from that one person it gave support and confidence to open up more. It was the best thing that happened to me and has led to me fulfilling my dreams.

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Posts: 1067
Managing Ambassador
(@melodeescarlet)
Famed Member     DC/Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

"A burden shared is a burden halved. A joy shared is a joy doubled."

I'm glad you've found some relief and an outlet and the liberation that comes with that.  😊 

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Posts: 15
(@debsuk)
Eminent Member     High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 2 months ago

It was nerve-wracking telling my wife, but once she was convinced it would not change anything between us and that I was prepared to keep crossdressing away from our usual outside life she embraced the idea completely. 'Liberation' is indeed the right word.

I'm happy for you Melanie.

Debbie

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1 Reply
Baroness
(@annaredhead)
Joined: 11 months ago

Famed Member     Cornwall, United Kingdom
Posts: 1828

@debsuk That was the same for me.

Hugs,

Anna xx

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Posts: 1797
Baroness Annual
(@d44)
Famed Member     New York, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I'm so happy you had this breakthrough Melanie. 

After I told the first person about Fiona, I found myself very quickly becoming eager to tell others. I wanted them to see the new me, the real me. 

Thanks for letting us know. All the best to you.

Fiona

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