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this week i came across a video of a 5o year-old trans woman discussing her road from crossdresser to trans woman. she still lives partially as a man and has no plans to ever lose that completely despite identifying as a trans woman. that slow acceptance really resonated with me and my curiosity about how that can go has been rejuvenated.
it's always frustrated me how hard it is to experiment and explore and she underlined how bad an idea the common jump to full transition is. just like when the pink fog got so bad that i had to reach out and come here, i feel like this comes at the unfortunate time that everything else is going so right. i have so much that makes me happy i could never sacrifice but it's hard to keep living not knowing what the truth really is. sometimes i come to terms with the reality of what that would mean and know it could never be worth it. am i even capable of gender euphoria, even just as a crossdresser? would all those signs that make me question it really look like "always knowing"? do most people really not ask themselves these kind of questions? it's kind of a nightmare.
i do know that none of what i have is a lie. the wife, kids, family, etc. is exactly what i want and i fought so hard to get it - all for me, and i could never leave it. yet at the same time, there is something that needs to be let out, and how much is it really? it's such a hard subject to bring up again and it's simply impractical to do much, even if it were accepted. however, i just want to hear more and more about that long road to happiness. i can feel like i crave that feeling of being out as a woman, being treated as a woman and realising "that's what it was all along!"
at the same time though, it can look like i've always just been trying to find an escape, that everything i hate about myself could just be fixed with some new clothes and a new name. honestly, a lot of those most basic changes are very unappealing to me and that's usually what brings me back into my male self.
Hi Aoife our struggle seems to be universal in how we feel and how it all fits into our life. The balance is very elusive at least for me. And just how far we need to go to achieve some form of acceptance of ourselves, for some just under dressing can be enough. For others, transition may be the final result. There will always be a certain amount of give and take or how much we are willing to give up for this. I personally don’t want my family life to change at all other than for more acceptance. Which would Give me more truth in my life. For now though I will struggle with how much is enough and I hope you can find your balance in what you have and what you desire. 💕💋 Katie
Hi Aoife,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I struggle everyday with similar thoughts. If I was only 18 years old again with this realization, then I could transition. Now I have a career and a Significant Other plus family members that would not accept me. I know that I would lose some friends. But how long do I go through life without being my true self. Can I live as a woman but be a man at work? Do I honor my feelings or everyone else's. Many questions I ponder everyday.
Eva
right? it's like do i really have to experience *everything* in this lifetime? am i greedy? isn't the whole purpose of life knowing one's self? can i really know myself if i don't know exactly how femme i want - or rather, need to be?
Hi Aoife,
For what it's worth: I was 80 when the Pink Fog got a grip on me; I began as a casual CD, but I now identify as Trans. I could happily live full-time as a woman, but I don't want to give up being husband, dad and grandpa. I won't (and can't) take hormones or transition; nevertheless, I have an accepting wife, and I'm content with my life as it now exists.
Hugs,
Bettylou
