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The Struggle is Real

39 Posts
25 Users
137 Reactions
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Posts: 289
Lady
Topic starter
(@rosiebeth)
Reputable Member     New York, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Good morning Girls. 
so my struggle is real as I’m sure some are in the same boat or have gone through this in a similar manner.  
like many I’ve been cross dressing for over 50 years.   I went through the stages like many also.  The discovery at 7 wearing my moms and sisters clothes.  Then it became sexual wearing my aunts and moms clothes to where now it brings me peace and relaxation.  The struggle is I purge and buy and purge and buy.  The purge is feeling of something is wrong with me , guilt from religion, it’s not what men should do but the urge to dress is such a fire that I buy and dress and then purge. I dress and I associate bad things that happen to me with it that also participates in the purging.  So I’ve spent hundreds on new wardrobe of most delicious things but I’m on the verge of purging once again.  I’m afraid this cycle will never end.  

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Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 2210

@rosiebeth 

Hi, Rosiebeth, been there, done that. Seriously, look at how many of us have written the same, or very similar, story.

There are something in the region of 46,000 members of CDH across the world, most of whom we don't hear from but it's a safe bet that a large majority share this vicious cycle.

On the one hand, you've got everybody and their prototype finger-pointing device telling you that you're wrong. On the other, you've got all of us telling you that you're not. 

I favour a pragmatic approach, the need to express my feminine side isn't going to stop. I have two options: I can agree with everyone who isn't like me and try to deny a real part of who I am. I tried that, didn't work, didn't like it, not doing it again.

Or I can consider the voices of those who are like me and choose to accept what isn't going to change anyway. I tried that, it worked, I like it....a lot! 

I would never tell anyone what to do but I will argue for the benefits of one of these choices.

As I said earlier, like everyone else, I've been there and done that so I know the pain and the cost, in more than just money. I hope you find a way to break the cycle sooner rather than later because you will break it eventually. 

Until then, you've always got us 😊.

Big hugs,

Allie x

 

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Lady
(@kimdl94)
Joined: 9 months ago

Reputable Member     Blearmill, Texas, United States of America
Posts: 175

@rosiebeth The compulsion to purge is definitely a real part of being CD…all the ingrained guilt and shame build up along with, sometimes, fear of being exposed.   Here’s an alternative that might help.   Next time you feel yourself approaching a purge, box everything up and put it away in a secure location.   Set a plan to keep the hidden items for six months before actually getting ride of anything.   My guess is that the mood will eventually pass and you will save a lot of money.

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Baroness
(@chrisfp99)
Joined: 2 years ago

Famed Member     London , Kent, United Kingdom
Posts: 1733

@rosiebeth Hey Rosiebeth, I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles hun. Personally I've never experienced any guilt over my need to dress. I'm quite comfortable with it (although I have other issues which I won't go into now). Try to look at it as just a hobby. Some guys like cars, play golf or fish. And they dress up for the occasion just as we do. When it comes down to it they're just clothes.

From your profile it sounds like you only dress at home, and you are alone (so sorry to hear of your loss). Gosh girl, I really think you deserve the femme time you need. I tend to think that the counselling thing is way overdone (some girl here once said she didn't need counselling, she was quite happy. It was the rest of the world that needed it 😂) but If you're actually associating dressing with bad things happening then perhaps it's an option.

But it's really ok dear. You're not harming anyone, just fulfilling a basic need in your life. And I think it's agreed by just about every girl here that this just doesn't go away so you do need to come to terms with it. I do so hope you can find some peace in all this.

Hugs, Chrissie xx. 

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Lady
(@jillleanne)
Joined: 2 years ago

Prominent Member     Renfrew, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 605

@rosiebeth Rosiebeth, know you are not alone. Most cds purge. Now, how to stop spending thousands more only to toss it to the bin. First, and the hardest step to take; admit to yourself you will never stop. You will always be gender gifted. If you have no where to store your goods, and you are not ready to tell the people around you who you are, rent a storage unit somewhere, a bus terminal, railway station, storage compound, etc. 

      You may or may not be like I was, but as I grew so did my collections, to. The point where I was triple bagging shoes, lingerie, wigs, makeup, jewellery. I mean big green garbage bags. This stuff was accumulating faster than I could bag it. I was always able to find a place in my house/garage to store it and if not, it went into the local rural forest off some dirt road nearby temporarily. It was getting out of control, really. I thought, maybe donate it to a local used clothing store, so I did. Then I would buy it back if still there. Then donate it again. Then buy it back, again. Then donate it back. Then it would be gone. Shit! 
    So, how did I break the cycle of insanity? I came out to those closest to me. Not simply because of purging but for many reasons. Today my closet consists of six feet of ladies clothing and one foot of male clothing. 
    Thinking back to those days now, I must have thrown out some of the sexiest heels I’ve ever owned. Probably kill myself in them today. Lol

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Baroness
(@chrisfp99)
Joined: 2 years ago

Famed Member     London , Kent, United Kingdom
Posts: 1733

@jillleanne Jill, I love "gender gifted" xx.

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Lady
(@jillleanne)
Joined: 2 years ago

Prominent Member     Renfrew, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 605

@chrisfp99 Yes, I have used that for years now. A long time ago I realized we in the community couldn’t even agree on various descriptions of ourselves, so how could we expect the others on this planet to accept who we are. So I came up with a simple description to include us all. Gender Gifted. After all, it says it all without having to elaborate. Born and raised gender gifted.

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Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 2210

@jillleanne 

Jill, I totally agree. I have also said that our recognition and acceptance of our feminine sides is a gift. I'm positive that there's a lot more men who know that there's something there but don't recognise it or do and just harm themselves and their families by repressing and denying it.

I'll be "Gender gifted" henceforth 😊.

Allie x

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Lady
(@jillleanne)
Joined: 2 years ago

Prominent Member     Renfrew, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 605

@alexina Hi Allie. Thanks for your input. You are so right. No one, for various reasons, knows for sure how many gender gifted people roam this earth. There are guesstimates out there but because of social pressures, etc. there is no way of being certain. As the term LGBT grows to include more people, the term ‘gender gifted’, so too, takes on a broader meaning of inclusiveness. And that is my two cents worth, even though we do not use cents any longer in Canada, or one and two dollar bills,  or one thousand or ten thousand dollar bills. Laugh Loud  

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4018

@jillleanne I gave up using money when I used my last $1,000 and $10,000 bills.

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Lady
(@jillleanne)
Joined: 2 years ago

Prominent Member     Renfrew, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 605

@harriette lol. 
  I was paid in thousand dollar bills by a client once. The bank made me sign a form with the serial numbers on it in the event they were fake. Talk about hard to get rid of.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4018

@jillleanne In the opposite direction,  casinos will make you ID yourself here and track you when you win big, to follow people who might be laundering money for criminals.

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Lady
(@sunnyday)
Joined: 2 years ago

Estimable Member     Oxford, Oxfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 140

@rosiebeth - where does the desire to purge come from in you? Is it shame? Or is it fear of being discovered? I concluded that the latter was more true for me. I've since invested in a secure, rental storage unit so that I don't have to use my car or house - places prone to discovery. It's worked for me. So now I have a happily expanding range of clothing and only get rid of those things that were a bit of a bad idea in the first place.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4018

@sunnyday Are these the self-storage lockers? Around here I may as well rent an apartment. They aren't cheap.

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Lady
(@sunnyday)
Joined: 2 years ago

Estimable Member     Oxford, Oxfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 140

@harriette - that's right. I rent a small 'student' storage one - not a garage sized one - and get a cheaper rate by paying a year in advance. Prices vary depending on where you are, but I pay just under £400 for the year - money well spent for me considering stress alleviated.

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Lady
(@rosiebeth)
Joined: 5 years ago

Reputable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 289

Posted by: @sunnyday

@harriette - that's right. I rent a small 'student' storage one - not a garage sized one - and get a cheaper rate by paying a year in advance. Prices vary depending on where you are, but I pay just under £400 for the year - money well spent for me considering stress alleviated.

 

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4018

@sunnyday Oh, what a cool idea (for students)! I didn't know that such small lockers were available, but why not? Lucky for you, too.

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(@lauren114)
Joined: 2 years ago

Noble Member     Delaware, United States of America
Posts: 1209

@rosiebeth Hi Rosiebeth!  I'm so sorry that you are struggling with your feelings.  Many of us have been down that same road and experienced the same feelings.  In my case, no good has ever come from purging.   Please don't do it!!!!

It never did anything to help the feelings go away.   It may have quelled them for a period of time but for me it was always brief and was followed by a period where the feelings were stronger and more intense.  In this regard, it had an opposite effect form what I hope it would.  There's also the matter of wasting money as well as the time required to build up a wardrobe when I restarted.   I finally broke the cycle when I entered into counseling and came to the conclusion that it was part of me and while I could run, it would always catch up to me.   This process also helped me overcome the guilt, allowed me to accept who I am and to love this person.

In your case, I would suggest that you pack all your stuff up and put it aside for a while.  This will give you some time for self-reflection and evaluation.   If and when the feelings return, you will still have your "investment" intact and all those delicious things you have accumulated.   I look back on the things I have lost in purges and wish so much that I had them now...

Good luck sister!

 

 

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Posts: 4018
Lady
(@harriette)
Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Joined: 2 years ago

I feel for you, Rosiebeth, but please promise yourself that you won't actually throw things away, this time, if it comes to purging.

Bag everything up and put them in a time capsule for the future you to open. To break the seal in case of an emergency. Doing so has to be less stressful than starting from scratch each time. 😉

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Posts: 220
Baroness
(@dianas1960)
Reputable Member     South Central, Indiana, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

I have crossdressed since I was 12.  I am going to be 65 next month.  Up until about 15 years ago I went through the purge cycles as well.  I have now come to terms with my crossdressing and realize it is a part of me and to cherish it instead of being ashamed.  Saying that I am still in the closet.  My wife is DADT.  I told her shortly after our marriage 20 years ago.  Before I retired last year I traveled a lot on business and always drove and flew enfemme.  I enjoyed those times a lot.  Since retirement I have not had as many opportunities to go out as my wife is around.  I now only get out a few times a year.  Some might suggest counseling to better deal with your situation. 

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1 Reply
Lady
(@jillleanne)
Joined: 2 years ago

Prominent Member     Renfrew, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 605

@dianas1960 I’d suggest buying her a membership in the International Orchid Society. They travel to places like Borneo  iin search of the flower. Could be gone for weeks at a time.

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Posts: 142
(@katiep)
Reputable Member     Nottinghamshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 3 months ago

Rosiebeth, take one second sister. Yes we have all been there but with myself I have only just accepted that I am a crossdresser and there is no shame in that because it’s no else’s business. A year last November my wife’s attitude was not very warm to towards Katie and I also felt embarrassed being dressed in front of her. About a month ago on the eve of retirement we talked again and this was very very positive and now Katie is fully accepted. Also the biggest plus is that I am at peace with my dressing. Also and more importantly is that when I stopped I didn’t purge, I packed all of my feminine clothes and accessories in a box and sealed it safely and stored it. So when it was time again the wardrobe and everything was there at no cost. Try to break the cycle for your peace of mind let alone your wallet / purse. Katie.

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Posts: 125
Duchess
(@traci429)
Reputable Member     Brighton area, Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

I can totally relate. I have purged over the years and recently came out to my wife last year. I tried to quit a few months ago and my wife suggested I pack up everything and not donate it. I’m glad I packed it up because I went through the cycle and the feelings came back. Then the clothes came back. Glad I packed them up and not purged. Suggestion, get some good storage totes and pack them up and label them (I labeled them private). Then put them somewhere safe and even in a storage unit, if need.  I am also going to counseling currently and trying to figure this out. -Traci

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Posts: 851
Duchess
(@missylinda)
Noble Member     Ft Worth, Texas, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

I am fortunate not to have purged but once.  We were moving and I felt I would not be able to hide my wardrobe.  Rather I go thru cycles of less desire to be totally dressed.  

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Posts: 58
Guest
(@Anonymous 99924)
Trusted Member
Joined: 2 months ago

Rosiebeth I hope you can come to a peace and understanding I totally understand. I have lived with gender dysphoria for over fifty seven years, I wanted to transition but my religious beliefs would not let me, so I picked the lesser of the two. Yes it is still wrong according to my beliefs but I have accepted who I am. I have a good life with an amazing wife, kids and grandkids. I wish you all the best.

Allison xx 

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Posts: 135
Duchess
(@robyn1408)
Reputable Member     Cape Cod, Massachusetts, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Hi. I agree with the general tenor of the responses. Purging simply reinforces the guilt. The desire to dress and present as a woman never goes away, at least in my case. I’ve probably conducted a full purge 3 times in my lifetime and yet despite my conviction that each time was the moment I finally had the strength to put this all behind me……well, you know what happens. I will never purge again. I’m much happier just accepting and appreciating this side of me. 
Robyn

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Posts: 517
Duchess Annual
(@blondsherri)
Honorable Member     Missoula, Montana, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

Rosiebeth move away from the trash can, don't do it again. As others have said get yourself a good tote bin, that closes tight and store your things for the next time the want to dress comes again, you know it will.

Sherri

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Posts: 2075
Duchess
(@rozalyne)
Famed Member     Shrewsbury, Shropshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 3 years ago

Hi Rosiebeth, 

I've been a crossdresser since i was about 8 or 9 years old and I'm 72 next year, I'm just a part time crossdresser because I'm still in the closet to my wife, I've never really purged all my Femme clothes are stored in the loft, I've had bouts where I've felt the guilt and shame but i finally accepted that i will always be a crossdresser, that was about 10 years ago that i came to that decision it's part of who i am, I'm with some of the other girls i don't think you should purged again just put a padlock on your wardrobe when you get the guilty feeling's, but you shouldn't feel guilty it's part of who you are, 

Hugs Roz X 

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Posts: 56
(@patricia1970)
Estimable Member     San Ramon, California, United States of America
Joined: 2 months ago

Hi Rosiebeth,

I can definitely relate.  I have spent a small fortune on crossdresser clothing, then got rid of all of it, only to resupply later on.  Eventually, I decided that I wasn't going to do that anymore, so instead of donating it in one of those droboxes, or throwing it away, I began hiding it in the deepest darkest place I could find.  Somewhere I knew I could hide things without there ever being a chance of them being discovered.  Then, when I had time alone, I could pull it out and let my inner woman out.  I know the urge will always return, so that is what has worked for me.  

Hope this helps,

Patricia

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Posts: 289
Lady
Topic starter
(@rosiebeth)
Reputable Member     New York, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Ladies I want to thank all who has posted.   You all are so wonderful in supporting me and others. Reading your stories on this vicious cycle definitely tells me I’m not alone. You all are so wonderful and I’m thankful for this community and a place where I can talk about things that are real for all of us.  The advice has been wonderful and I won’t be purging but storing for later.  

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Posts: 1062
Duchess Annual
(@robertaf)
Noble Member     Louisiana, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I don’t have all the answers but as a lifetime Catholic, I’ll simply say this. God knew who you are long before you did. 
Sending my love. 
Robbie

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Posts: 317
(@oliviac)
Prominent Member     Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Joined: 2 years ago

Hi Rosibeth Like many of the other posts above I too for decades was in a dress and purge cycle. With the help of a psychologist I finally came to a realisation that in dressing I wasn't hurting anyone. It is who I am inside to be a female part of the time which is why after years of trying to stop I never could as it is a part of my DNA. This led to the next conclusion it's not me choosing this. It's how things just are so I can't feel ashamed or guilty of something I had no choice in. By being my female self I wasn't doing anything wrong. That then ended any feelings of me ever needing to purge again.

It seemed so easy to just write down the conclusions I came to but it was a much longer and at times arduous journey for me to truly believe them. I think your conclusion to store your female wardrobe is a good one. Take heart that myself and all the other girls here think that in being your female self you aren't doing anything wrong. You are just being yourself. Who you really are. I wish you the very best.

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Posts: 1841
Baroness
(@annaredhead)
Famed Member     Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 11 months ago

I purged when I was 27 and spent the next 24 years regretting it. I don't have any answers to this,  just years of regret.

Hugs,

Anna xx

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