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The wife asked me, why....

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Posts: 364
Lady
Topic starter
(@sf)
Prominent Member     SoCal, California, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

A few days ago, my beautiful wife of 41 years asked me, Why do I (we) call each other "gal," "girl, "lady," and other fem references while communicating?  After all you are all guys?  Her question was sincere, no arguing was involved, we talk about crossdressing quite often, she does not get it or understand it, but does try to be accepting and sympathetic (that may not be the correct word).  

I told her that we are all a group of similar minded "gals" and crossdressing has a very broad spectrum.  As for me, I do not want to be a woman, but I do enjoy dressing as one from time to time.  Others are further along, and since we are all imitating or taking on a fem persona, calling each other a gal makes sense, to me at least.  

I did acknowledge to her that to someone from the outside looking in our reference to each other may seem strange, but other groups of folks outside of crossdressing also identify by their common trait or interest, name the profession or activity.  

In a way it was difficult to explain, and don't feel that my argument was convincing, but at least she felt the comfort to ask, and I had the comfort to explain.  

Either way, I am very glad the we are communicating about crossdressing, it is much better than keeping emotions bottled up.  My wifey is a great gal, and I do not want crossdressing to come between us.  

Anyway, it was an interesting discussion that we had.  

Take care, have fun...  Staci Gal...  

 

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20 Replies
8 Replies
Ambassador
(@jacquelinelarkspur)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom
Posts: 1497

@sf 

It's an excellent question, and I think your wife's puzzlement about it is very understandable.

I'd say that, for most of us, it comes down to a matter of convenience. Yes, we are mostly men (though I want to qualify that by saying that some members are trans), but our shared passion here lies in our desire to dress, act and sound as much like women as we are able. And it's been said by many members that we think of each other as being women whenever we interact on the site. I suppose it's a projection of desire reinforced by the human instinct to use appropriate labels. It therefore makes sense that we refer to each other by using female pronouns, otherwise we start tying ourselves in knots of gender identity.

I doubt that anyone who isn't a crossdresser or trans will fully appreciate the whys and wherefores. But, like the dressing itself, there's no harm in it.

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Managing Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 2 years ago

Majestic Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5200

@sf 

Thanks for starting this thread; it’s something I’m interested in too 🙂

When I first joined the site back in July I was unsure about how I should address everyone. Since I was worried about setting out on the wrong foot, I posted a thread about it:

 

Learning the language! – General Chat “Life as it Goes On” – Crossdresser Heaven Forums

 

This is how it began:

'Hey girls!

'Now ,,, I said 'Hey girls' deliberately because I genuinely wanted to check. Is that an okay way to greet people on here? Or is it going to offend anyone? What about 'sister' and 'girlfriend'? Are those generally acceptable, even to MTF crossdressers who don't identify as female?

'The reason I'm asking is that in my 59 years, most of them involving crossdressing to varying degrees, I have never (until now) been in contact with another crossdresser. When I drop into the chatroom, I keep encountering words I've never heard before. I sit here with a notepad, scribbling things down and then frantically googling. It's a whole new language for me. And as with learning any new language, I worry I'm going to make mistakes.'

 

Of course, I quickly found out that ‘girls’, ‘ladies’ and ‘gals’ are all standard greetings here … and we all refer to each other as ‘she’ and ‘her’.

Having those words applied to me, for the first time in my life, was wonderful; I couldn’t get enough of it. And it felt totally right. When we’re on CDH we’re presenting our femme sides. This is a place where we can all be girls, and talk about feminine things, even if for some of us that’s only a few minutes a day.

It IS difficult explaining this to other people though! When I talk to my sister, and mention friends from the site, I can see that’s she’s more than a little baffled by the fact that we all have femme names and that I refer to everyone as ‘she’ and ‘her’. She’s very accepting and supportive … but I can still see that she doesn’t quite understand!

Hugs

Ellie x

 

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4006

@sf I don't call someone gal or girlfriend. Never have, probably never will, even in drab life. I will and have used female pronouns among us.

I view it similar to calling my mates "bud". I don't do that, either. Not in my culture or everyday usage.

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Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 602

@sf 

I've never thought about this, but the question has made me stop and think.

Whenever I am on this site my mental image of all the other site members is that they are female. For some reason, any perception of the participants as being anything other than female seems to have been relegated to some dark and hidden recess of my mind.

This question has just reminded me that (apart from members of the site who are trans) many participants are in fact not female. But the thought that I may be interacting with men just does not fit my mental image of the everyone here. Hence it is only natural that I would think of, and refer to everyone, using female terms.

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(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1451

@fembecky

Exactly this. Couldn't have put it better.

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Lady
(@raven188)
Joined: 6 years ago

Prominent Member     Idaho, United States of America
Posts: 507

@sf 

For me, the femme name and the pronoun are part of the fun of dressing up. I know there are lots of different feelings here. If you're trans, for example, the name is a lot more important than if you just dress up for fun. I want to be sensitive to that,

but for me, being called Sarah or using feminine pronouns is the same as putting on a favorite dress. It feels the same and adds to the experience. We've all probably had the experience of putting on a great outfit, but not having some other accessory and feeling like it's just not quite complete. Like when you dress up before you've purchased a wig or pair of heels. For me, the name and pronouns are like the finishing touches on the whole look.

For the record, I only use the femme name here. I'm just a guy in a dress so I always introduce myself as such. Maybe if I passed really well and was among strangers I'd introduce myself as Sarah. Actually, one of the reasons I really want to go to something like Keystone is because it would be fun to be only known as Sarah for a week, just like being away from home with only my femme wardrobe.

At the end of the day, the name's part of the outfit for me.

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Ambassador
(@lucyb112)
Joined: 2 years ago

Noble Member     Staffordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1005

@sf 

An interesting question, and your wife’s confusion is totally understandable.

It just feels normal to refer to people as she/her etc. while we’re on here, but I’m not sure I could explain it satisfactorily to someone outside.

When I first joined, it was the first time I’d discussed crossdressing with anyone. I remember being quite confused as to what to refer to people as.

It took me quite a while to feel comfortable using she/her. Eventually it became easier, and now it just feels completely right.
Yes, the majority of us are male, but when I’m conversing with someone, I just think of everyone as female.

 

 

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Duchess
(@michellemybell)
Joined: 3 years ago

Noble Member     Clearwater, Florida, United States of America
Posts: 617

@sf Lot's of excellent comments here that I resonate with.  I love having my feminine side recognized and enjoy being called Michelle and referred to with feminine pronouns even in guy mode.

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Posts: 108
(@charlottesometimes)
Estimable Member     Dayton, Ohio, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

To my mind, it just makes sense to for CDers to refer to themselves with feminine designations, especially when one makes the effort to not only wear female-identifies clothing, accessories, and makeup, but also makes an effort to mimic a feminine figure with breast forms, hip/but pads, etc.

My sis-in-law addresses me with masculine language even when I am presenting as Charlotte, and it does grate on my a bit, but I don't make an issue of it, especially since I am rarely in her company when my wife is not also present, and I simply WILL NOT ask her to make any concessions in this regard.  She has already gifted me with expansive tolerance of my CDing, to the tune of allowing me to present as my feminine self nearly every day.  

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Posts: 189
Guest
(@Anonymous 93795)
Estimable Member
Joined: 1 year ago

I have seen your photos…you all look like proper ladies to me, so….😀

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Posts: 3421
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

It appears to be an enigma which cannot be answered to a lay person and perhaps we can't answer it properly either as it is something outside their ideals being hard to comprehend. 

Maybe it should be said that it is the club rules and we have to abide by them.....

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Posts: 1059
Managing Ambassador
(@melodeescarlet)
Famed Member     DC/Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

I can understand, but at the same time, after going through all the effort - the idea that we'd still use he/him/guy/etc is a bit mystifying. lol

For myself, I call everyone 'girl' - and honestly I have to check myself in guy mode lest it slip out! 'Girl' to me isn't 'female child' it's more like, as Ellie noted, 'sis'. If you ever watch Trixie & Katya on YT they're always calling each other Mary. Now, clearly neither of them are named Mary, but it's just how they say, 'honey'.

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Posts: 753
Duchess
(@jennconn)
Noble Member     Florida, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

This is so interesting Staci.  I remember when I first joined.  I was corresponding with someone here about crossdressing, which was something I had never done and was extremely scared at that point.  Interestingly enough they invited me to a meet up since I lived in the same area.  It was something I’d always wanted to do, but made up a reason not to go since I just wasn’t ready.  Then she said something that shocked me, she called me girlfriend.  I found that so interesting that it took awhile to sink in that we were all the same here and we were all women in the other persons eyes.  Wow, have I come a long way from that day as a woman.  Now I wouldn’t want to be addressed any other way here.  We’re all sisters, and we are all women as long as we’re on CDH.  

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Posts: 1304
(@rebeccabaxter)
    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

I will generally use the term 'ladies' since many of us are of a certain age, but my wife, when she sees me typing on a forum, asks me if I am on the 'girls' site. I certainly don't think it would work very well if we were to refer to each other by male names or a group as lads/guys/men, I mean what would be the point of going to all that trouble to try to appear as feminine as possible while still maintaining the name 'Brian' or 'John'? Laugh Cry  

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Posts: 1790
Baroness Annual
(@d44)
Famed Member     New York, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Everyone here is presenting as a woman in one form or another so it makes sense to address them by the gender that they are presenting.

 

 

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Posts: 864
Baroness
(@chloec)
Prominent Member     Lakeshore, Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Simple term - Affirmation. There are certainly times where if we were able to be out in public, to be seen as how we feel (whether sometimes or all the time), that many here (if not most, but we have to allow for personal preferences) would like to be referred to with feminine pronouns. That we do it here is allowing for personal affirmations that gives us a sense of acceptance. And instead of saying 'there's nothing wrong with that', I would prefer to say, good, we should be supportive of each other and if certain pronouns allow or increase that support, so much the better, 

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Posts: 189
Guest
(@Anonymous 93795)
Estimable Member
Joined: 1 year ago

Because as practitioners of the art of crossdressing, we aspire to be "gals," "ladies,"girls," etc.

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Posts: 1117
Duchess Annual
(@firefly)
Noble Member     Panama, Panama, Panama
Joined: 7 years ago

It makes a lot of sense to me. It's a habit and a way of identifying myself. I feel good about using feminine pronouns when I'm online. I like being called lady or girl or sister and I try to be reciprocal with others and call them the same. The friends I have met on the Internet call me by various feminine nicknames, in addition to my name Gisela. And that kind of feeds my ego and makes me feel wonderful.

My womanhood is part of my personality when I am cross-dressed and even when I am conversing like Gisela even if I am not dressed as her.

Gisela

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Posts: 2101
Hostess
(@cdsue)
Famed Member     Delaware, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

What an interesting topic and wonderful comments......

I like using the terms girls, gals, ladies, she, her, ext.. I have a feminine side and by using those terms it helps me to express that part of my self and to acknowledge it. There have been times that my wife and I have been shopping (I'm always in drab mode) and she will ask if Suzanne would like a particular item and says she thinks she would look good in it. It warms my heart when she does that. Being on here for me is being in a girl's club. I love the anonymity as we all only know each other by our female identity (unless we've revealed our male self's to others) and share our journey as crossdressers or trans. I share things here with the other ladies that I can't or won't share with anyone outside of this site (except my wife and therapist). 

I think when it comes down to it when I am presenting as Suzanne I am allowing my feminine side to be free.  Using feminine terms when addressing my crossdresser and trans friends is courteous and affirming for them.

Like myself I think there are many whom it took a long time to get to the point of self acceptance regarding our dressing and femininity. By using female terms to identify ourselves we are acknowledging and reinforcing who we are. 

Be happy and be proud - you are all beautiful 

XOXO
Suzanne

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Posts: 848
Duchess
(@missylinda)
Noble Member     Ft Worth, Texas, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

When someone here refers to me as sis, girl , babe, darlin,   it makes me feel accepted for what I try to be .  That’s a very nice feeling.  Thank you all!❤️

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