It is hard. But it is easy. It hurts. But it is also painless. At times I feel very lonely. But I am not alone. It was always there from the very beginning. But it was invisible. I was the only one who knew. Knew that I was very different. I knew who I truly was.
But the person looking back at me in the mirror,
wasn't me.
I have now read the personal stories of many intersex and transgender brothers and sisters, and their stories are amazingly similar to mine.
I faced losses. But I also experienced genuine gains. I was constantly aware of who I was. But forced to ignore it by the cultural norms expected of me, and had to be an actor on a stage with a script that wasn't written for me.
I had to make a decision. It wasn't a choice. It was a necessity. I could no longer exist and live in two parallel worlds.
It is hard, but it is easy, to live my life as the woman I knew I was from early childhood.
It hurts, to face rejection from some people, but there is no pain in the joy of being free to be the feminine person I am.
There are times when I feel quite lonely, but I am connected with many brothers and sisters who's stories echo mine in so many ways.
I have been keenly aware, from the beginning of my childhood, that I was supposed to be a girl. But that was invisible to those around me, and I was the only one who knew, until last year,
that I was very different.
I have never enjoyed the image that used to stare back at me from the mirror, it never matched who I knew I truly was inside.
So why does one enter this world and be assigned a male but always identify as, and desire to be, a female?
Last year, through a visit to the hospital and meeting with a doctor who is educated on gender issues, I found out the answer to that question.
I am intersex. I was "born both." The lady doctor placed her hand on my knee, and said to me, "Lauren, you came here identifying as a transgender woman, I'm here to tell you you are more than that, you are intersex, Lauren, you are a woman!"
I now have a great sense of peace, knowing the truth of who I truly am, and why I have always felt the way I have, I am a biologic female, born that way but 'born both'.
So what about the losses I face? I, like so many of my intersex and transgender brothers and sisters, face losses. There is a lack of acceptance by many people who have literally disappeared from our lives. There is little willingness to learn and understand who we are and why we are. The number of people from my past who are still part of my life is a small fraction. But those who are still in my life, are true friends. I also have all the lovely ladies that I work with who completely accept me as "the lady at the security desk." I am accepted at my church as just another lady in the congregation.
Our world is seeing a rise in drastic viewpoints from the ultra conservative right wings of politics. They often look for minorities to target and blame for problematic issues, and transgender and intersex people are currently in their sites.
I hope this provides a small insight into what it is like facing life as an intersex person living in this world and facing the issues that exist today.
Hugs everyone, until next time,
Lauren
