Notifications
Clear all

Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.

Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.

The Woman Inside, more of my journey as an intersex woman

7 Posts
6 Users
36 Reactions
218 Views
Posts: 1230
Duchess
Topic starter
(@reallylauren)
Noble Member     Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
Joined: 3 years ago
The Woman Inside, Lauren's Journey
 
It’s time to write again, and I have a lot on my mind. So many things in fact, that I will try to stay on track, although the way my mind operates, there could be multiple tracks. So where to start? My mind has been occupied by the research I have been doing to try to fully understand just who I really am. How’s that for a heavy beginning?
 
As I have written previously, all my life, from the age of three, I knew I was different, that I supposed to be a girl, and those thoughts, awareness and feelings never left me. As a result, I’ve always carried around with me, a big question mark. And that question mark has featured visibly in much of my art work and many of the poems I’ve written. I love presenting something a bit obscure or abstract, that makes the viewer or reader ask, “What is it,” or “what does this say to me?” So I was always dealing with a question.
 
Almost exactly a year ago, I found out I was an intersex person. There are almost 40 major variations of being intersex, with over 100 different ways that our bodies respond, so just what was I? All intersex people are a mix of male and female, and we all have a keen sense of our own unique gender, but many of us were simply categorized when infants based upon cursory looks at our reproductive anatomy. My birth certificate says “male child”, but I have always known that was not correct. I recently found out my actual diagnosis.
 
I am PAIS intersex, which means Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. There are quite a few rather lengthy articles describing PAIS, using equally lengthy words, so I will do my best to provide you with my own, hopefully easier, description. When I was still in my mother’s womb, due to my genetics, my body developed an insensitivity to androgen, which is the predominate male hormone. Consequently, I was born as a mix of male and female, kind of 60% female 40% male. I was born with very tiny male reproductive anatomy, referred to as a micropenis. I was small as a child and always feminine. At puberty my male parts did not develop any further, my voice remained higher with no Adam’s apple, I remained small, always “the short kid”, very little body hair, and I developed breasts, hips, thighs and nice round bum, which made life hell dealing with PE classes. Through my years as an adolescent I was poked and prodded as there was much interest in my private parts. I often had lingual hernias and a lot of pain in my lower groin. To this day I can still have discomfort there. I was also told by several doctors that I might be unable to father children. It did take almost ten years of trying before my kids were born.
 
Now I know why, now I know who I am. A year ago I had a lady doctor say to me, “Lauren, you actually are a woman.” I am an intersex female. That was the answer to the question I always lived with, the answer that validated what I always knew about myself from the start.
In doing the research on being intersex, I have been in contact with other intersex people, and there is a common concern I hear from many of them that I have already experienced myself.
 
Ignorance.
 
Even though we are born this way, we are often not considered acceptable. Most people have very little knowledge about being intersex, and when confronted with the subject, many would rather remain ignorant because it is too hard for them to wrap their heads around. We get lumped in with the LGBTQIAS+ “rainbow”. Because we are definitely different, we are seen by many as weird, deviant, immoral, obscene, even evil and demonic. We are just, wrong!!
 
The harsh reality is that, as I write this, there are politicians, on both sides of our borders, who want to strip us of our rights, to eradicate us, because we are visibly different we have become a handy target for them. They can say all sorts of horrible, but false, things about us, to instill fear amongst their followers, when all we want to do is live our lives. I ask you, what is wrong with that?
 
At this point in time, in history, with all the horrible things taking place to people all around our world, who just want to live their lives, I ask the same very big question. What is wrong with that?
 
And so, I reach this part of my journey on a relatively somber note. I now have answers to a question that has dwelt within me for almost my whole life, and that is a very welcome ending to that quest. I feel that my energies, along with my intersex brothers and sisters, will now be focused on educating all those we encounter, by sharing our lives with them so they can see that we are just ordinary people who were born a bit different.
 
Until next time,
 
Ms. Lauren M
Reply
6 Replies
1 Reply
Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 2205

@reallylauren 

Lauren, thank you for your open and honest account of your journey, I'm sure it'll elicit the same empathy and compassion in others that it has with me. And that is a truly wonderful thing in these times when both these qualities seem in short supply!

It is dangerous to be seen as different from the tribe, even though all tribes need someone who exhibits difference. Think shamen, witch doctors, court jesters etc. These roles are often treated with contempt, derided and mocked because they are different but also because they instil fear. Fear that, "oh no, maybe there's some of them in me!". But, these roles serve a function within the tribe, be that entertainment, healing, education or other and, without them, the tribe would eventually disintegrate through entropy.

You have suffered the negative effects of being different, now, I'm sure, you will use your experiences for positive effects.

Once again, I thank you for sparking a little bit more empathy and compassion in me, that's a wonderful gift.

Allie x

Reply
Posts: 604
(@heels234)
Prominent Member     Mesa, Arizona, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

Hi Lauren,Its Michelle.You certainly have an interesting path ahead of you.Lauren,I am not a professional person,I have been in customer service all my life.First as a dealership mechanic,{Michelle just dated herself.Mechanics are now auto technicians and rightly so},Then doing private security at different sites in Phoenix AZ.And then being a Court Security Officer For Maricopa County for 17 years.Lauren,you are a woman,you are comfortable as a women,you are employed as a women ,so be the woman you are and be the best you can be.{Sounds like an ARMY commercial }.Never stop,dont doubt yourself,and as we said in the AIRBORNE "Drive On."Stay tough,my friend.You may have just been given a gift,that is to educate others who want to learn and are receptive to what you may and will teach them. Hugs Michelle Brown.

Reply
Posts: 1119
Lady
(@margprodue)
Noble Member     Madison, Wisconsin, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Thank you Sister for such an eloquent explanation of what we are and the current realities of being an intersex person.  As you know from our talks before that we are both quite similar (I'm a DES Feminized Male with PAIS and I'm about 45%F and 55%M).  I'm always so glad to hear about your progress with the book.  It gives voice to all of us intersex folks everywhere.  I'm continuing to speak out too with local and national presentations, the next one being at Atlanta Comfort Conference with another smaller one on Egale Canada.  I'm so glad that you share with all of us.  I wish that I had access to your book many years ago when I first learned about my condition.  You are so right about the continued attack on us by various groups who seem to be looking for folks to use as a punching bag.  Never be silenced.  Hugs,  Marg

Reply
Posts: 145
Lady
(@ilandkathy)
Estimable Member     San Diego, California, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

Hi Marg, I too am a DES baby, from back in 1947.  I'm sure my crossdressing is driven by my fem feelings while growing up.  I would like a deep dive into my genetic makeup.  Finding a way to get it done without spilling the beans to my longtime medical provider is the problem.   He has been my family primary care Dr for the whole family - my bride and two, now adult daughters.  

At age 1 1/2 I had a tumor on my right testicle and it was removed.  Mom had been on DES the whole time she was pregnant with me, following two spontaneous miscarries.  I first wore my sisters' Sunday school dress at age 5 and was caught by the baby-sitter who, of course, snitched me off to my folks.  I have taken every chance I had chance since then to dress up and fell like the real me, including my 9 years in the Navy and 30 years as a cop in a large SoCal city

My Mom once commented that our two female kids did not surprise her. She said "the right testicle must have been the female testicle!"  Had to forgive her - she was an Iowa farm girl till she married my dad.

Anyway, thanks for giving us a chance to read your life story. 

Take care my DES sister,

Kathy

Reply
Posts: 1119
Lady
(@margprodue)
Noble Member     Madison, Wisconsin, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Hi Kathy,  Thanks for sharing that.  DES was very popular during that time.  It's sort of a forever legacy.  It took me forever to get it all figured out.  Glad that you have been able to make some sense of it.  Hugs,  Marg

Reply
Posts: 107
Guest
(@Anonymous 85825)
Estimable Member
Joined: 2 years ago

Thank you Lauren. Always enjoy reading your material!

I was born a DES baby. I believe that caused me to be sensitive, nurturing and feminine but it also caused a lot shame which I am dealing with today. I feel at home with being dressed as a woman.

Reply

©[current-year] Crossdresser Heaven | Privacy Terms of Use | Link to usContact Vanessa | Advertise with Crossdresser Heaven

 
[kleo_social_icons]
Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!