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To Tell or not to Tell!?

13 Posts
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Posts: 446
Lady
Topic starter
(@bren58)
Honorable Member     Apache Junction, Arizona, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

Hi Everybody!!

Please, Help me to understand something I am noticing about the mentality of crossdressers that I simply don't comprehend.

It seems that there are a lot of CDers who sneak behind their wives back to cross dress, expelling much energy to hide the fact that they enjoy wearing woman's clothing. I totally get why many CDers are still "in the closet", not going out in public while dressed. Our society is simply not ready to see men wearing womans clothing, although I do it daily. But I am transitioning and I could care less what anyone thinks of me, I am living my life as I choose. But your wife, your spouse, your significant other, you have a commitment to be open and honest with that person and if you don't inform her of what your doing, well, your not being honest with her. Our spouses have feelings too and many woman end up feeling very betrayed, lied to, when they find out accidently that their husband crossdresses. And, all the sexual stereotype that is available to your wives to read on the internet often becomes "her" reason that you lied, even if it's not true. And turn things around, how would you feel if you "accidently" found out that your wife was secretly dressing as a man behind your back.? What kind of things would go thru your mind??

Thru out my life I always told girl friends and past wives that I x-dressed and I never had a bad experience. Some took a little longer to accept and some actually enjoyed it from the start, but I always took responsibility to be the one to tell them. One year ago, after 23 years of crossdressing sobriety, I found a need to start dressing again. I found CDH, voiced my concerns and went to my SO and told her what I was going to do. After a couple months of experimentation, I reestablished my talents and abilities and decided that all along I wanted to transition. In therapy I remembered so much that I had purposely forgotten, filling my SO in along the way. Today, she Loves me and respects and understands my decision and plans to stay with me, even thru SRS.

All too often we doubt our wifes/SO's ability to cope and/or the depth of their love for us and believe that they think the way men do. Let me say, the love a cis gender woman can feel for her man has no boundaries, and if it does, your relationship probably was never meant to be. The longer I take estrogen and testosterone blockers, the more I am "feeling" like a woman, and I now have an abundance of patience and calm I never felt before in my life.

Some CDers may say, "I don't want to hurt my wife by telling her". That's nonsence!! You are hurting her by lieing to her everyday you hide the truth.

You also have the right to do what makes you feel good but your not doing that when your hiding to dress up. Wake up people!! Be honest, be whole, be complete, be loving and be yourself!!

What's you opinion?

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12 Replies
Posts: 1105
Lady
(@pimagirl)
Noble Member     Tucson, Arizona, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Bless you Bren, and thank you for heartfelt comments. I am not telling my wife. I have thought about it a lot, and your article makes me think some more, but I'm not coming out to her.

Jessica

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Posts: 358
Lady
(@nancygamms)
Reputable Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

I came out before we moved in together, she was not in favor and I moved my box of stuff to her place and tried quitting.  That didn't work, the box got tossed, fast forward a year she finds her shoes and lingerie misplaced, promise to stop, there are a few more similar finding wig parts, panties in the washer, my entire stash and us texting about it one night.  We appear to have a don't ask don't tell.  I travel with work and work at home and she isn't stupid.  I'm the same moron she married 26 years ago and she knows it.

My wife dresses like a guy every day with very few exceptions so she probably has no idea why i like to get femme and quite frankly neither do I.  We are now empty nesters and think of trying to open it up to at least be honest about it but what is the point.  Worst case she still doesn't like it.

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Posts: 446
Lady
Topic starter
(@bren58)
Honorable Member     Apache Junction, Arizona, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

Thank you Jessica for your reply but may I ask "why"? You sound very firm with your No, but why?? Do you not trust her? Is it guilt?? Are you afraid of rejection? Do you think she will look at you as a lesser man? I am very curious to know why so many CDers hide from their wives!!?

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Posts: 2521
Baroness
(@amylove2dress)
Famed Member     South Western Ontario, Ontario, Canada
Joined: 6 years ago

In a word, Fear. There is so much misunderstanding about this passion we all share here, that some are afraid that everything will turn upside in their lives. Unfortunately it does happen to some people.

My wife has always known that I've had a "thing" for wearing women's clothes from time to time, and when I felt the draw to do this more often, and more completely, I told her about it as well. Then she had a bit of a time getting used to it, but now she is very supportive, and has been out with me when I'm dressed as Amy.

I have this other thought about those that don't tell their wives or SO's about dressing. I wonder if the SO in question does know, or suspect, but doesn't say anything because he doesn't. Don't see, don't know kind of thing.

This is likely the case in some instances, though who knows how often.

If I suddenly discovered that my wife had kept some secret from me for many years, I would be hurt and offended, its human nature. The longer the secret goes on, the harder it is to open up about it.

But everyone needs to make their own choice, even though it might not be the right one.

Amy

 

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Posts: 1702
(@dlgeb275)
Noble Member     niagara falls, ny., New York, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

Well written, my wife found out one day that I x dress, I had a pic of me all dressed up pretty and wife seen it by accident, she told me me not to wear her dresses I was a man not a woman, if u want to dress up get your own , so I did I have kore female dresses then she does , more nylons and make up, perfume then she does. She tells me when I can dress up for we have 1 adult child still at home.                                     For my wife dressing up in manly cloths she does every day when she comes home from work, she does not wear nylons or dresses, skirts, make up. She wears pants ns shirt, no skirt or blouse.  She will if we go out for funeral or a special accasion, .           My wife has seen me getting dressed up when she needed to tell me something and look at me while I am getting dressed up, then she would leave after she told me what she wanted to tell me.     For me going out in buplic I don't for like you said society is not ready and I might loose my friends. Get called names.   In which I hate. Society needs to just keep on walking and say nothing.    Watch t.v  you will see woman dating woman, men dating men.    Watch the show called 911, you will see 2 men dating and kissing on lips , woman kissing on lips and they are going out with each other and they are fire men, woman who save life's,        T.v. Show mash klinger who dresses up in dresses.     We all watch the show and say nothing about them so why should people call us names when we go out dressed up as a female?  I dress up when I can and feel free and happy, knowing what real woman have to go though to dress up and look pretty.   I am a thin person and have more of a female figure then a male person. I love getting dress d up pretty when I can and be happy. To share not with others around my home or friends would be not a good idea, so I share it on c.d.h. And t.d.h. . Well with that all said.   Thanks for reading my post.

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Posts: 0
Guest
(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

Bren - you express many thoughtful and logical comments but sadly there is such a variety of situations that what you have expressed can not manage to cover.

In my case I experienced a range of reactions to just u dersressig over a period of a year ranging from at best tolerating to stressing at the end that it was a perversion.

As I do not want to destroy my marriage of 44 years I have severrly curtailed what I do but find it impossible to completely remove crossdressing from my mind hence my presence back on CDH.

Whilst not ideal there are many of us that have to find our own route of balancing matters.

Rachel

 

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Posts: 102
Significant Other
(@chloereilly)
Estimable Member     Ireland
Joined: 5 years ago

That was very well written. I questioned my relationship for years before I knew the whole story. I was lied to for years, It very nearly destroyed our relationship.
If my fiancé told me from the beginning it would have saved so much heartache and my self esteem. Thankfully we are in a much better place now, things have been amazing. And that’s because I know everything. We have no more secrets (I hope) we are working on our trust which was shattered because of what he did.

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Posts: 446
Lady
Topic starter
(@bren58)
Honorable Member     Apache Junction, Arizona, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

Hi Rachel,
Never did I find x-dressing a perversion. As a child and again as a teenager my parents told me that transvestites became sexual deviates, a theory I'm sure many people of the day shared. This was long before the internet, 1966 and again in 1976, I had no where to turn and felt very alone in my situation. I never believed my parents 100% as I felt very normal with no off the wall sexual impulses, except for dressing that was not sexual for me. Over the years I learned better but life's circumstances led me to stop x-dressing for 23 years, and I believed I was "cured". Then one day my urges returned with a vengence so I thought things over, came across CDH, and told my SO before lifting a finger to dress. Alot has happened in my life this last year and it has happened very fast. I decided to enter therapy with a gender therapist and remembered things in my past that I had forgot. It was not long before I decided transition is right for me, and I based that decision on 58 years of my life and my history and knowledge of myself. I simply do not consider myself a crossdresser because my reason for wearing womans clothing is that I am presenting who I feel I am. I am a female! All my life I have felt more comfortable living as a female, presenting as a female, and today I know my personality, my soul, my consciousness is female based, not male. If I did not feel this way I would have no need to wear womans clothing.

Being transgender is very complicated, everyone's journey is different, everyone's perception is different and there is no right or wrong way to be trans. Some people need bottom surgery, some don't. Some need HRT, some don't or can't. Some people crossdress, some dress as they see themselves.

I am very open minded with 3 years of school studying psychiatry yet I simply cannot understand how, if I really loved someone and made a commitment for life to this person, why I would lie or hide the fact I was a crossdresser. That is my perception, my standards, I am not so self centered to feel that it's acceptable to lie to the one person in my life who would do anything for me, and vice versa, about something as important as crossdressing.

When woman find out "accidently", all kinds of crazy thoughts go thru their minds, they end up reading tons of mis-information on the internet, they loose trust and faith, feeling betrayed by their husbands. And it can take months, years to regain that trust, if you can!! Why do so many crossdressers set themselves up for this kind of trouble!??? Can someone give me an answer that makes sence?

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Posts: 1781
Lady
(@ohlivialivin)
Noble Member     Norfolk, Ontario, Canada
Joined: 6 years ago

I am super happy to have the partner I do now and the capability to have honest communication with her. I don't believe things would have gone that way in my previous marriage had I been crossdressing at the time. After reading so many posts from others, I've thought about what I'd do if I was in a relationship with someone who couldn't (wouldn't) accept ME. Because I'm not, I can speculate but truthfully haven't a clue what I would do. Although I think honesty is the best route, I don't know the complexities in others relationships or their reasoning and therefore won't judge others for the decisions they make.

Olivia

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Posts: 1360
Ambassador
(@elbereth)
Noble Member     Northampton, Massachusetts, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

All I can say is from my own experience, telling the truth to my wife once the feelings I had resurfaced after many years dormant was the only way forward for me.  In order to give us both time, I moved slowly almost glacial at times. I am glad I did since my wonderful wife is supportive and accepting.

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Posts: 0
Guest
(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

I so want to tell my wife.   I’m 63 and feel as if I am stating mortality in the face.  I enjoy my femininity.   I enjoy the clothing and my feeling have alway be sensitive.  Makeup makes me look and feel younger and I lived they way I look.  I would love to be able to share this side of me with her.   I am just so afraid, but not if what you might think.  I’m not really afraid of rejection or anger. My fear is that she will insist I stop dressing.  I know I can’t so therein lies my problem.  I need to dress.  I need my femininity to be released.  I can’t and don’t want to stop.   If anything I want to dress more and explore this side of Annie.   I think about having “the talk” often.  I am coming closer.   I just don’t know that I can. I have left clues of my dressing but either she has never picked up on them or she doesn’t want to acknowledge them. Well, time will tell.

annie

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Posts: 446
Lady
Topic starter
(@bren58)
Honorable Member     Apache Junction, Arizona, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

She may already know and is waiting for you to bring up the subject, knowing how fragile and sensitive you are in tegards to dressing. When you finally tell her, give her time to absorb and process the information and the addition to the family. You will feel as if a great weight was lifted of your shoulders and you may feel less stress in your daily life. It's a wonderful feeling to be able to share this side of us with a loved one... Good Luck!!!

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