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So my wife recently asked me (on several different occasions) why do you like to dress up? I tried to answer her best I could and thought first, maybe it’s the feeling of the clothing? She said try some guys satin boxer shorts. Nope, not the same. I am seeing a therapist and trying to figure out why I like being Tracy so much. I love the feeling being dressed in a nice dress with heels, panty hose, bra, wig and makeup. She once asked me how much “would you want to dress, if you could?”. Well I told her several times a week. She did not like that answer, but it’s the truth. I do underdress quite often, just to feel the under garments. I don’t want to upset her but I have also told her “it’s not going away”. Maybe that’s why when I told her I was going to quit she suggested I pack up my stuff. Well it was about 3-4 weeks and I was going crazy. I told her the feelings came back and I wanted to dress again. She said, I have read the feelings might come back and I thought you were already dressing again (in private, in my office). Well I do dress when I get the occasional opportunity but it’s only about once a week. My question is this: why do I have this desire to become Tracy. I feel so good when I’m dressed and have fun doing it (just look at my pictures). She wants me to figure out “WHY” I dress. She is concerned about our future and my dressing. This is what scared me into quitting the first time but it came right back.
- Confused Traci
She wants me to figure out “WHY” I dress. She is concerned about our future and my dressing.
Before you have to meet her deadline for answering her question, maybe she should answer as to why knowing why you need to dress is so important to her. A marriage is a two-way street.
It sounds as if she is very insecure and, to me, it sounds as if somebody may have to compromise. Both of you are going to have to communicate better, to work some of this out.
@traci429 I actually believe that our inclination to crossdress is programmed in us. To me, it’s the only logical explanation that I can come up with. Why else would we risk societal rejection and ostracism from friends and family. Most things that we do where we are discouraged in our behavior are just accepted because we believe they are wrong and we just don’t do them. So, that’s what brings me to the theory.
I also have wondered if there is another reason that we want to dress as women. One last theory is that we were actually women in another life. I know that theory has nothing based in any science or logic, but I’ve thought about it.
it’s just impossible to explain why we want to crossdress or why we can’t stop. But I don’t plan on really trying now, since I’m going to continue doing it.
@jennconn Thank you Jennifer. I started when I was 8. Yes, 8. Wore my mother's stuff with her permission! That continued until 12, then nothing for 20 years. I was with my girlfriend and we were walking back to her apartment after dinner and I saw a pair of black patent heels in a store window. "I just had to have them." I asked her if they had her size would she wear them. She said yes, so the next day I bought her those shoes. She loved them, and the rest is history.
@jennconn Wow, I've felt that way too. I just couldn't see any other reason why being femme came so easy to me. The walk, the mannerisms and such a strong at peace feeling when I'm dressed. had to come from somewhere.
@jennconn I agree that we are programmed 100%. How many of us have tried to leave this behind only to come back after some period of time? It's just in our nature and our mind always wants to be our most natural place. Recognizing this helped me deal with the guilt I experienced for years and to begin to love myself.
@jennconn I'm of the same mind. We're born, not made. My fascination with feminine clothing and femininity itself goes back as far as I remember, and I was only five when I tried on one of my sister's necklaces. I've always wondered what it would feel like to wear what women wear. Those were my prime motivations but who can say why?
My late mother once gave me a write up on some kind of fertility drug she had been taking before she became pregnant with me. I forgot the name of the drug. It wasn't Thalidomide, thank God. But I vaguely recall that crossdressing was one of the things observed in those whose mothers had taken the drug.
So I might be here as the result of a slight chemical or hormonal imbalance in my body and/or brain that causes my urge to crossdress.
Be that as it may, it wouldn't explain the perhaps millions of others who weren't similarly affected yet also crossdress. Maybe it's the result of a strong female presence during early childhood, as was my case. My father worked two jobs and one of them was a night shift so he wasn't home as often as my.mother and older sister were. But neither of them ever actively encouraged me to dress as a girl. I'm fact,.it was a very traditional household with the strong taboos of the WWII generation against such. And again, while it may be a factor in some cases, it can't possibly be so in every case.
So we're back to Square One. Where does the urge come from? Why would we engage in behavior that we know full well is socially risky, to say the least? I can't stop myself, I've tried many times. I haven't purged much, but have left my wardrobe untouched for very long periods of time. And the urge always returns, on strength proportional to the amount of time since I last dressed up, it would seem. Brother is very independent-minded and individualistic and yet has no power to stop Rayna from getting out. Toe the only explanation why this is so is that somehow I'm wired that way.
To Traci: I know this doesn't help much but maybe there's something here you can use when you discuss the matter with your wife.
I"ll shut it down now. I apologize for my long-winded comment, once I get started on an interesting topic it just flows. I do enjoy writing.
Meanwhile, keep it real out there.
Rayna
@traci429 My wife is the same way. She keeps asking me why and says she just doesn't understand why a good looking man that is attracted to women would want to dress like a women. It just doesn't make sense to her. I've tried to explain it best I can but no explanation satisfies her. I've even tried the analogy that it makes as much sense as a man being attracted to another man. Some brains are just wired differently.
@traci429 Hi Tracy. These are the topics that “get my dander up.” Your wife has directed you to figure out “WHY” you dress. My answer to her would be: Well, WHY do you like…(insert one of her likes right here.) Seriously. People like what they like. It’s that simple. Do you two order the same entrees when you go out to dine? Next time ask her - Why’d you order that? WHY do you like it? Go down her list of likes and ask her to explain the whys to her choices.
There are some good responses here as usual. Tell her to take a pointer from Cerys’ post and unleash Traci. Instead of stopping completely…(hard -but not impossible) -immerse yourself. She’s worried about your future so let’s figure it our right here and now…how much do I want to be a woman?
Crossdressing’s not wrong. It’s just different. (Stop with the therapist - PLEASE😊) This is an easy thing to solve. Just communicate with her - as others are suggesting.
I had similar conversations with a former spouse where crossdressing was hauled out as a reason for breaking up. I said, okay, yes, it’s not going away. But after we break up here’s what’s going to happen: I’ll still like to crossdress. But I won’t be “turning gay” (why do people always think that?), or turning into a woman or taking hormones or any of the things you’re worried about. What will happen is I will find a nice lady to get together with, with whom I will share better communication and she will also have an understanding of a wider variety of interests. She won’t put conditions or ultimatums on me -nor I on her. People who truly love one another do not do that. They work it out.
And that, my dear Traci, is exactly what happened.
GP
I won’t be “turning gay” (why do people always think that?)
It's called ignorance for a reason because, well, it is.
@traci429 what a question…..why why why whyyyyyyyy, I think I must have asked this question to hubby one thousand times a day in the first few weeks of finding out. I never got the answer I wanted from him.
i did though get a great description from a counsellor, who told me that from the thousands of CDS he’s worked with, none have been ‘cured’ (that was a blow) , he said even those who have wanted to be cured haven’t because it’s just who they are. Hmmm, he said to me, what do u love to do, who is Laura.?
I said well, I love to help others, I love to chat to people, I love to relax in the bath, he said ok if I asked you why what would you say? I thought and said cos I do, it’s just who I am what I like. He then asked me how I’d feel if someone told me to stop all those things …… then it clicked for me….. I’d not feel like Laura anymore…..so I’ve never asked hubby since cos there’s no reason , it’s just him , and sometimes her.
😘💕❤️sending hugs L X
@traci429 Traci, your question is one that plagues many of us .
For me, I am now fully retired and intending to be presenting as Cassie full time. Part of this decision is for family and friends around me. I think that I need? To present as Cassie 50 to 70% of the time. But think that those around me would be freaked out more if I were going back and forth than if I were being Cassie full time. AND I am very comfortable and happy doing that.
Cassie
@traci429 dressing is a part of me, I love the way I feel, best of luck to you in your situation.
Why?
I can't tell you why I love the color red. I just do. It's how my brain is wired. It doesn't get more fundamental than that.
I also can't tell you why I'm trans. I just know I am. It's as immutable as my liking for the color red.
I didn't choose to be trans. It's just who I am. I'm wired this way. It can't be fixed. It isn't going away.
Anyone that refuses to accept that fundamental truth will find themselves at an impass. They are asking for the impossible.
My ex wife expected the impossible. It's why she is my ex wife.
/LK
@traci429 if anyone ever figures out how to explain our desire to crossdress I would love to hear it. I can’t even figure it out for myself. I just know it’s a part of me and I don’t exist as a complete person without Emily. When I try to quit, the desire comes back stronger and more urgent than ever.
I don’t exist as a complete person without Emily
Exactly how I feel, Emily. I also know that I'm a much better person for accepting and embracing Allie.
@traci429 Traci, this is the archetypal fundamental question. And the funny thing is that nobody has any idea. I mean that's not entirely true. If you're trans then it's relatively simple. You just have a basic need to be a woman. Of course simple doesn't mean easy. That often comes with dysphoria and any number of challenges. Some of the ladies here have dealt with that well, whilst some are still working through it. My absolute sympathy is with them.
But for those of us who simply like to slip into a nice dress from time to time I have never seen a satisfactory explanation. I mean it's a bit weird really isn't it? But oooh so lovely too. The one thing I think most of us are agreed on is that it ain't going away. Surely there's an expert out there who could enlighten us. Or would that spoil the mystery somewhat?
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
My question is this: why do I have this desire to become Tracy. I feel so good when I’m dressed and have fun doing it
It seems to me that you've answered your own question, Traci. Certainly, that's the main reason I crossdress. I'm sure there are other factors involved but, as has been said before, there are probably as many "reasons" as there are crossdressers.
That said, the why is more important to our SO's and non-crossdressers than it needs to be with us. Here, we are among others like us and we delight in acknowledging that we have feminine traits in our makeup (no pun intended). For most of us, though, it wasn't like this until we found this community. Our SO's, apart from a (growing) few who join us here to learn about, and support us, are in a difficult position. Society says that we are wrong to do what we do but we know and insist that we are not.
I see your question, then, as less about why we crossdress and more about how we negotiate a way forward with our partners. That is for each of us to attempt as best we can but I can only say that my wife's acceptance and support has improved our relationship immensely. I'm under no illusion that most of the improvement is down to me being happier and more at peace with myself and the gratitude I have for her acceptance.
I hope you both reach an understanding and celebration of each other.
Allie x
@traci429 I always wondered about that, it could be we do it because we know we are just a little better than both, we can take on the persona of of the female and short of reproduction fill all the necessary roles they do, maybe just a little better since we know what we want and like ourselves (forget the baby factory thing I'm not ruining these hips for anyone.) Most of us don't come with the complications of the assumed gender roll, either , we know how to reason with another male and begin to understand the sway a woman has with a man. It could also be the reason for a lot of rejection from both genders - we are walking both sides of the line because we want to they are no longer exclusive Don't get me wrong I'm not knocking women but its a valid thought. Yet we can also assume the dominant male roll when needed with just a little more intuition than someone who doesn't see both sides of the coin. You can see where this can lead. Does this sound a little vain? Sorry maybe we should get just a little more respect than we do.(however this may not be the best answer to give your wife it could give you a little insight , if it resonates with you take it for what its worth)
@traci429 certainly a question I have asked myself a lot over the years and a question that I've gotten from my wife too once I told her about this side of me. I agree with a lot of responses here - I don't think there's really an answer to "why?". "Because it makes me feel good" is as good a reason for me as any and I'm comfortable stopping there and just enjoying my time as bryce.
That said, I do think there's more to the question "why" that's worth digging more into when it comes to balancing crossdressing with other things in your life, especially your relationship with your wife.
For instance, you said that your wife asked "how often do you want to dress?". Any answer from a few times a year to 100% of the time are totally acceptable answers and no one should be shamed for wanting one or the other (or any frequency in between) but I do think the "why" question here is more interesting.
My dressing comes in waves. Sometimes it's a few times a week and sometimes it's a few times a month. when I think about "why" I feel so compelled to get dressed up and sometimes it's a distant thought I find that sometimes it's b/c there are stressors in my life and I'm feeling like I need a little me time. Or tbh, sometimes I'm bored and trying out a new look sounds fun. There are lots of other "whys" I come up with too. Important to note again, I'm not asking myself "why" b/c I want to stop doing it. I just find it interesting to understand more about why / when I feel like doing it. I'm sure it's different for everyone.
There are other "whys" I ask myself and that my wife and I discuss b/c they are important. "why do you feel like dressing up and going to starbucks?". "Why do you want to meet up with another CD while dressed". "why do you want to go out to an event with lots of other CDs"
I haven't (yet!) done as of those things but I do think about them and each of those potential activities (and do many more) I think scratches some itch for me that's above and beyond the base urge to dress. Why would I want to meet another CD? To make a human connection - just like meeting up with anyone else who shares some commonality. But I could feel that connection just grabbing a beer in drab (which also sounds fun to me). So "why" do I want to meet another CD while dressed - well, I guess it's b/c I want to have someone see me and not worry that they're going to think it's ridiculous. To hear them say, "wow, you look fabulous!" and know that they actually mean it.
For me, asking "why do I dress" isn't productive. But being thoughtful about why I want to do this (meet another CD IRL) or not do that (change my body permanently) is helpful - and interesting! - and I think it helps my wife understand more about what makes me tick.
Why does she like running so much? B/c she just does. But I also like hearing from her about "how" it makes her feel. And how she feels when she's running alone vs running with a group. I don't ask why she runs. But I do ask how it makes her feel when she runs. and asks her whether one day she wants to run a marathon? or if she ever thinks her love of running will make her want to try a triathlon.
way too long of a post response so I'll stop there but hope that helps in a small way.
I am in a similar situation at home. I have been trying to answer the same question. For me, the answer is is that I am transgender. I had to see a therapist to help me get to that point and accept it. I really do think that this is who I am and how I was born. I too have stopped just to start again. I am not sure what the answer is for you, but I think that dressing up is just part of who you are.
Eirinn
You can't just give up. We've all tried. We've all failed. We've purged. We've given our stash to charity shops. We've all gone out and bought new.
Give up giving up. It don't work.
Why do we do this? The answer is different for everyone. I hated being a crossdresser. The hassle it caused. The arguments. I hated it!
I knew I couldn't stop. My wife hated seeing me going through cold turkey when I tried to stop. It got to the stage where me not dressing caused more trouble than me dressing.
We eventually sorted out our issues. My wife is fully supportive and encouraging.
What changed for me was when I finally, and fully accepted that I am a crossdresser. I always was, and it always will be. There is no point in fighting it. I am what I am. After this, I learnt to grow into it. I learned to appreciate what Cerys brings. The confidence she gives me. The happiness she brings me. I no longer need to dress. I WANT to dress.
A few years back, after living as Cerys for 5 weeks, I got to realise that it wasn't trans, as I was begining you think I was. One morning, I woke up, and dressed in male clothing. I realised that I'm content dressed as a man. Sometimes I prefer it. This is what started my acceptance as to who and what I am. I'm a crossdresser. I'm not a convincing one, but I do have a style and people tell me that I look great and have decent fashion sense.
Accept who you are. You can't stop. You can't change. Don't fight it. It will cause more grief over time. Talk with your wife. Find a working compromise. Make her understand that you are still her man, and always will be. Just sometimes you will be her man in a dress.
Cerys
Sometimes I wonder if it is a form of addiction for me. I have a family history of alcoholism and while I do not drink at that level I do drink a lot (3 to 5 beers each evening). The more I dress the more I want. Thoughts?
@dianas1960 there are far worse addictions to have ….personally I think we are all somewhat slightly addicted to something, but some as far less harmful than others xx
@dianas1960 I used to drink every day, mostly beer and wine, the occasional short. I rarely got drunk in later years, it was just something I did. I knew it wasn't likely to be doing me any good but I carried on regardless. Then I had some blood tests done to diagnose a completely unrelated issue and they found I had some raised liver enzymes. Not very raised, but higher than they should be and ALT was one of them. ALT is an indicator of liver damage or inflammation and since there were few other indicators of a bad liver (apart from raised serum ferritin, and I still have that) the indication was that I had damaged my liver through alcohol. I waited a few days as my birthday was coming up and at midnight at the end of that day, I stopped drinking; just stopped.
The first six months were awkward and it was like giving up smoking—it wasn't that I needed to drink, it was just that at certain times or occasions, it is something I would have done and I felt something was missing. However, like when I gave up smoking, every time I passed through one of these moments, it was a milestone, and the next time that sort of moment came up, it didn't bother me.
This was two and a half years ago and I haven't had alcohol since. I don't miss it and can quite happily go into a pub or bar and have a cup of coffee. My wife still drinks most days—gin and wine—and that doesn't make me want to drink (I wish she'd stop though, or at least have a few days off now and again). I lost weight and I saved an absolute fortune, cash-wise and by now, it's probably about ten-plus grand saved at today's drink prices; that's around a thousand days at perhaps ten-ish pounds a day.
This isn't a lecture, I'm just rather proud of myself that I managed to do it, it may not be the same for you or anyone else but it worked for me.
I might add that although I saved a lot of money, I only started dressing a year ago and most of the money saved goes on Becca's clothes and a girly car!
Becca
PS The ALT level came back to normal within six weeks of stopping drinking, I think I might have dodged a bullet there.
Traci, my wife asked me when we first had the conversation, after 5 years a number of yo-yo interventions Katie has arrived. My wife now says without Katie there is a side missing. We are now at a point where she doesn’t question why and, but also I have accepted Katie is part of me. I am at loss why counselling would ever solve anything but that’s probably Ime. Katie.
@katiep You’re right Katie and there’s another question we should ask our wives: “Do you want me to keep a part of my life hidden from you at all times?” What loving wife would answer that question -yes? I can see them not wanting to join in but I would think they’d like to keep appraised of the situation.
Why do I crossdress? Heck, I do not even know why I crossdress!! But I do know that I enjoy it, find it relaxing and crossdressing makes me feel good.
My wifey has asked me why as well, and aside for telling her that I love her, I have no answer.
Staci...
Thank you all for your responses. I will continue to have the conversations with my wife and try to come to a resolution. I appreciate the variety of ideas that I have not thought about. It helps. Thank you for being a great community and feel free to comment if you have not yet. -Traci
A tough nut to crack Traci. Cerys has a good answer in knowing how she stands with her dressing and that is at the core of this. Your wife isn't perhaps asking one question but many. You have stated how it makes you feel and it is something that keeps coming up and now needs to be explored further. So expand the question to where do you want to go with this, what do you really want to do?
She may be having thoughts about how this impacts the marriage along with the usual 'Are you gay' and so on. She wants a bigger answer that encompasses so many things.
Perhaps the 'talk' to say where you are and then her feelings and questions and reassurances needed. It's not an easy task but could help to find common ground to allow your dressing.
I live 24/7 and the only reason I can come up with is that doing so enables me to let the feminine part of me come out and the feminine part of me is much larger than the male side.
Everyone's reason is different.
Dressing has always been a very important part of who I am. I really enjoy showing my feminine side I could never give up being my true self. I am very lucky my wife understands my needs and that makes my life so much better. I wished I had an explanation for my need to be feminine but I am so happy we are past the need to explain in our relationship.
Since my retirement many of our days are spent together at home with my wife and we are just two mature ladies enjoying life.
Traci -
A question for which there are a million answers and no answer at the same time. As others have said - why do we do anything? Part of the answer is because we enjoy whatever it is along with whatever brings us that joy. I enjoy crossdressing because I enjoy wearing dresses, skirts with blouses, bras, panties, etc. Part of that enjoyment is the feel of the material but another part is being able to get in touch with my feminine side. For many years (decades) I kept that hidden but now that I dress I am able to accept and embrace it.
My wife and I have had many discussions about my dressing and she has finally accepted it with some restrictions which I don't find unreasonable. One of them is going out in public - I would love to but accept and understand that is something I wouldn't do for a number of reasons. Shortly after I came out to her she suggested I go to therapy - not to stop me from crossdressing but to help me understand why. I know that seems silly as there is no explanation, however, it did help me to accept my dressing and embrace my feminine side. I realize that therapy may not be for everyone, however it has done wonders for me not only about my dressing but also with personal relationships and my attitude toward many things.
Bottom line is to do what you are comfortable with.
XOXO
Suzanne
What's not to like about it ?
Ask her why she likes to wear women's clothes. The token answer is probably because she is a woman. However, that isn't compelling enough because she really can wear whatever she wants and doesn't really have to wear women's clothes. if she doesn't want too.
I've really nothing to add, only a feeling that I'd make many of the same comments myself!
Crossdressing is what I want to do. I'm drawn to it, I spend a lot of time and money trying to "get it right". I enjoy it, I love picking out stuff to wear and I've definite preferences for what I do and don't like.
At the same time, it can't be totally primal. I like wearing bras. As I understand it, the modern bra is only about 100 years old. So it can't be deeply programmed in my DNA since caveman times.
Still, this is what I'm drawn to. And it's not like I've joined a sports club, where I might be encouraged along by the rest of the team. It's totally self-driven.
I'd only add that I do understand the worries of SO, in particular around the "are you gay" question. We know that it's not really about that. But I do see that someone might feel if we're investing so much effort in looking good as a woman, it might mean we're interested in attracting men. Particularly as wearing a dress isn't an especially good strategy for attracting women!
But, look, I think all we can do is trying to communicate about it as best we can. For me, I think dressing a way that I like is my focus. I'm happy in my relationship, I really just want to express myself in this way. This is my golf, my soccer, whatever. The interest I find absorbing and rewarding, even if so problematic!
I'd only add that I do understand the worries of SO, in particular around the "are you gay" question. We know that it's not really about that. But I do see that someone might feel if we're investing so much effort in looking good as a woman, it might mean we're interested in attracting men. Particularly as wearing a dress isn't an especially good strategy for attracting women
I love this part of your post Martha because I’ve posted similar lines on here before. Which triggers responses like - “That’s ignorant to think that way!” Seriously? I can envision coming out as a CD to my best friend. He would say this: “Let me get this straight. You, a married guy, are going to visit Harrisburg next March and get together with a group of men all dressed up as attractive women and hanging out with each other for a few days. How is that not gay?”
And my friend certainly has a valid question. Definitely not an ignorant one. He’s not a crossdresser. it’s not his job to care about all the ins and outs and nuances of it. He couldn’t care less. And right there is a scenario that we have to think about before deciding “who we want to tell” about our secret.
GP
I gave up trying figure out "why" sometime ago, other than because I enjoy it and get pleasure from it. I don't need any reason beyond that. Ask your wife why she likes her various hobbies. Is dressing really any different. People enjoy stamp collecting because it gives them pleasure to collect stamps. Some may rationalize it various was, but ultimately they enjoy collecting stamps... I just happen to enjoy dressing en femme...enough said.
I'm perhaps luckier than most in that I remember some very early childhood memories that led me down this path. So if you would, I have an understanding of "why". But as any philosophy student, scientist or parent knows, even the answer can be broken down again with a deeper "But why?" If you follow the chain, eventually there are only two answers: "Because" or "Why not?"
So let's suppose by some "magic" you could answer the question of "why". It's probably some combination of DNA as well as experiences (which could even be hormone levels in the womb). So now what? It may satisfy curiosity. It may explain your behavior. But it's not going to change your desire or your need.
In the end, it's really not going to change anything. If you've done it for some length of time, you're probably not going to stop. It has become a part of you. In the end, nothing has really changed.
This may be what people mean when they say they stopped trying to answer "why." The answer isn't going to change them, and the question loses its importance.
