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Hi ladies!
Sorry I haven't been super active lately. I've been very busy with work and have also spent a lot of time just thinking and trying to learn more about myself (which seems crazy since I'm middle aged).
I'm reading up more on gender dysphoria and trying to understand if I have it or not. I've taken a couple of online "tests" and many of them are inconsistent. One says I'm probably transgender, but another one says I don't show symptoms consistent with true gender dysphoria.
After a lot of self reflection, here's what I know that makes me think I may be transgender:
1. If a genie were to grant me one wish and one wish only, that wish would be to transform into a cis-gender adult female.
2. If I could go back and choose my sex at birth, I would pick female without any hesitation whatsoever.
3. Almost every single day I imagine life as a woman. It's usually only for a few moments here or there, but it is almost every day. Especially these last few months where I've had more time to myself thanks to Covid.
4. When I see a beautiful woman, I imagine what it must be like to be her more so than what it would be like to be with her.
5. Wearing feminine clothing makes me so happy. I've tried to fight it many times over the years and do the "purge" so many of you often write about, but it keeps coming back. This time, it's strong. Very strong.
6. I've actually done research on HRT, surgeries, etc. No further then online, but I've researched it often over the last couple months and it would seem to me that someone who's truly male wouldn't spend time doing that research.
On the flipside, here's what I know that makes me think I'm not actually transgender.
1. While I do wish I were a woman, it's not this feeling that haunts me daily. It's more like a guy wishing he were Tom Brady. You wish it for a moment or two, then forget about it and go on with your day.
2. I'm not unhappy as a male. In fact, there are many things I like about it. But is it because that's all I've ever known and society fully accepts me as a white, athletic looking male or am I truly happy?
3. Before the lockdown, feelings of wanting to crossdress were present, but didn't think a whole lot about whether I'm transgender or not.
4. I'm happiest when I'm busy working on a home project, working out, or doing an activity I truly enjoy like sailing. However, dressing and thinking about being a woman gives me the same level of happiness as those aforementioned activities (but when I'm busy doing those, I don't have these thoughts - if that makes sense).
5. I don't live my days in sadness over being male or being referred to as a male or hearing my birth name or fulfilling the societal expectations that are put upon men. From what I've read about gender dysphoria, you actually cringe when referred to as your assigned birth gender vs. what you are inside.
6. In my everyday life, I fit in comfortably in society and don't feel phony about it or that I'm "putting on a male mask".
Apologies for the novel. I just had to get these thoughts out of my head and see if any of you feel or have had similar feelings and confusion. If you've read this far, I'd love to have your thoughts and experiences. I don't where to go from here. At the very least, I'm in an uncertain state right now. Maybe it's time to see a therapist. Also, maybe this post is more appropriate for the transgenderheaven site. If that's the case feel free to delete and I can join and pose this question there.
Thank you!
Amanda
Thank you for sharing, I have many of the same thoughts, feelings and questions. Best of luck and stay beautiful
Trust me you are not the only one with these feelings. Top part 1-6 yes to all. Now the bottom part i am a little different. I also do feel that I am transgender. Fitting into society and enjoying to be male are easy, again been doing it all our lives. I do not cringe when I hear my name or called sir but was elated when called ma'am. As for thinking of being female while doing things, does a cis female or for that matter most cis men think about their sex while fixing a car, knitting a scarf egc..? Wh may often wonder what it would be like to be dressed as we do these things. Take it slow, get help where needed and have fun. We will eventually figure ourselves out
I feel very much like you do. I've read alot on this and came to the conclusion I'm bigender, or gender fluid. I'm comfortable in my birth gender, but equally if not maybe a bit more comfortable as Kayla. I've struggled with this for years, and just recently determined my desire to wear female clothing, isn't about a fetish, but about completeness. I was just talking about this a couple of hours ago with my SO.
When I'm presenting as Kayla, I get a feeling of happiness and total peace within. You're not alone my sister, let me know if you need someone to lend an ear.
Hugs,
Kayla
Hi Amanda. I was in much the same place 20 years ago that you are now. Before you read any further have a look at the first paragraph of the Wikipedia article on Transgender ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender ). Carefully read the third sentence especially ("in addition to...")
There are a lot of us who are transgendered but aren't transexuals. I'm an androgyne but in my opinion that's a specific identity in the genderqueer identity. I definitely second Sammy's suggestion to talk to a gender therapist. From what I know they're more likely to be versed in the entire range of the transgender spectrum.
I'm sure a lot of people initially think that there are three main types of people in the transgender community: transexuals, crossdressers, and those "in between". You'll find that there are many different identities in that middle group. It's kind of like going to a seafood restaurant for the first time when you've only had haddock, salmon, and fish sticks and finding out they have things like scallops, lobster, and clams too.
How different are those identities? As an androgyne my gender is other and yet I have no interest in presenting fully as a woman. In my experience when you start to learn about the identities you'll find that this, this, and this fit from identity A but that, that, and that fit from identity B. That's where I think a gender therapist can be invaluable in figuring out what you are.
I'm glad Sammy mentioned gender not being binary. Most things in life aren't binary. Even binary isn't binary. There are things called quantum bits (qubits) which can be 1s, 0s or anything in between. I like to call people "in the middle" (does anybody have a better word BTW?) the quantum bits of the gender world.
Feel free to message me anytime you want to vent, cry, or ask my opinion on something. Or to just talk about everything and nothing at all. 🙂
Hi Amanda. I'm actually going through something similar as well. I have an intense need to be a woman, more than my usual once a month dressing. I constantly daydream about it, I cringe at my tired looking balding male face, I tuck in my manhood and just imagine a vagina there. When I got a makeover and walked out en femme from my car to my apartment I felt awesome 👌 I wanted to stay that way. I was sad to wash away my feminine side. I am also currently trying to get in contact with a good gender therapist to discuss my options. It's best that you and me speak to someone just to get a second opinion.
Hey Amanda, you’re not alone. I too have spent most of the Covid-19 lockdown period looking inside my own mind, and have also concluded that I’m almost certainly trans. If you’re questioning, you’re probably trans. If you’re regularly think about flicking the dream ‘If I could wake up as a girl’ switch’ you’re probably trans. I understand it as a broad spectrum, spanning the area between cis male and cis female.
If you can decide where you are, the question is: how far do you want to go?
For me the status quo is unsustainable. And I’m also comfortable with not being 100% sure(who is, about anything). My wife is comfortable with having me dressed around the house, and I’ve been talking to a really good gender therapist.
How far do I want to go? 🤔
Seraphina xx
Hi Amanda
Thanks for your thoughts.
In many ways reflect my own.
Happy being a man, but love playing with my femininity, and yes watching women, not in a Pervy way, but wondering what it must be like.I have no wish to have surgery or anything so drastic, and know I can never fully know what it is like, but feel I can become closer to the feeling.
Thats where this wonderful obsession comes into play, called ‘crossdressing’. A genie I can let out of the bottle whenever the opportunity and time arises, and I just love it. It brings such a sense of well-being for a short time, and, yes, I feel I look sooooo much better in ‘Bianca’ mode. Not being big headed but you haven’t seen the bland, drab male me🤣
Such a shame many of us have to do it hidden away, due to fears about our sexuality being questioned, or being seen as in some way deviant.
❤️B
Thank you all for your thoughts! It is helpful to know I’m not alone and I appreciate that.
It’s probably going to take me a little while to figure out which direction I’m going, but I know I do need to take some sort of action.
I’m going to look into some sort of therapy as a start. I’ve had a lot of reflection time these last 4 months and the feelings are strongest when lonely and bored so I want to make sure those feelings are still real in a post Covid world when I’m able to “get back out there” 🙂
Cheers, ladies!
Amanda
I'm in pretty much the same boat...
So when you find out the answer, let me know what I am...😉
Seriously though, I am in lock step with everything you said.... no idea where I am.
Hugs,
Dala
