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I've been very humbled by the level of concern after coming out to my OH and my family over Easter, and the lovely messages with warm offers of support from several of the lovely ladies in this wonderful community 🤗 You know who you are ... my sincere thanks for just being there 🙂
Things seem to have stabilised somewhat, so I thought an update might be in order (not to presume interest, of course). But rather than write this on the end of the 'Today I ...' open blog thread I created a while back, if you'll allow, I'd like to start this thread to be more of a personal blog for a little while. As I've written, I've got the summer as Fiona coming up and, if you don't mind reading them (you don't have to! 🙂 ), I'd like a way to really work out - and store - my evolving thoughts and feelings. Then I can look back later in the year and have everything there to help me decide where we're going with this: further into life as Fiona, or are my OH and I going to try to re-commit to each other?
Please, if this is going to be over-sharing for anyone, I really won't mind if you move on to another thread, honest. This would be a good time 🙂
If you're still here, thanks for coming on this ride with me for now. I hope it's not going to be as much of a rollercoaster as the last couple of months have been, but I don't think things are changing much on that front right now! Hopefully we'll at least end on a high though, with the OH and my drab self going on holiday, before I start life mostly as Fiona for the summer.
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After the ups and downs of Easter weekend, I'm pleased to say, it's actually been a week of fairly plain but surprisingly enjoyable sailing with my OH. I've been deliberately getting home a little earlier, and being more sociable and helpful when I arrive. Fiona approves! 🙂 It's brought us a fair bit closer emotionally.
Or, at least it was plain sailing until Sunday. As we were getting ready to load up my car and take the OH's daughter back to Uni, a DPD van on a delivery rolled away backwards downhill after the driver got out. It wiped out my car on her drive, pushing it into hers. If any of us had been outside at the time ... makes you think, doesn't it? We were all somewhat shaken up despite all having been safe in the house, and the enormous *BANG* right outside won't be forgotten any time soon! Luckily her car was fine to drive once I pulled out the front & rear wheel-arches and I've got a spare car - two in fact 🙂 But the nice convertible one with my initials FJF in the registration, that I took on my big day out, is no more 😥
On the plus side, being there for each other since, has rather brought the OH and I together - more so than we've been in quite some time. Although I might have dropped the ball today by asking for a pass for some extra Fiona time tonight, so I can be full-Fiona again all day from the moment I wake up tomorrow (even though it's a work day). I think she may have had something planned, but hadn't told me (I'm sure that can still be my fault, no? 😉 ) She's expecting her second grandchild imminently, which will be lovely news, but in its absence we might even take the campervan out at the weekend for its first proper trip this year. That'll be a way for us to be very close, by necessity 😊
Tonight I've washed my wavy blonde wig for the first time, with wig shampoo and conditioner. It's surprising how much dirt comes out 😲 She feels lovely under the comb now that she's drying on the stand, I hope she still has that style, but meanwhile I'm trying a new darker blonde slightly longer one. I think I need to see it with full make-up tomorrow to really know, but it's not quite right yet, I feel like I've made the one I washed rather a part of me now. In case I've managed to do more harm than good, I've got another one the same ready and waiting 👍
Hugs,
Fiona xxx
Fiona,
Interesting read, sorry to hear about your car being wiped out. Happy that nobody was injured. I plan on subscribing to this topic because I'd like to read what else you deicde to post here. Also glad your OH seems to be comfortable with Fiona.
Hi Fiona,
So sorry to hear that your convertible has been written off, and just as we (finally) seem to be getting to spring here. Is a replacement on the cards for when the good weather comes?
Thanks so much for taking the time to share how things are going for you as acceptance by SO is also a topic close to my heart also, and I'll certainly look forward to your ongoing updates. For now though, its great to hear that things are starting to settle a bit more for you after all you've been through recently.
Amy X
Fiona -
Sorry to hear about your car, glad no one was injured.
Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to hearing your future adventures.
XOXO
Suzanne
A shame about the car, but thankfully everyone was ok.
Hi Fiona
Sorry to hear about your car. I hope it was the daily driver and not your special car. I am so glad however to hear things are settling down a bit with your OH. The arrival of a little one will be a wonderful thing and hopefully something else to bring you closer together.
Thank you to everyone who has responded to this thread so far. You're all too nice to me 🙂
Unlike my other threads, I'm not planning on necessarily replying inline to every post, although I may yet follow up interesting comments or answer specific questions that way. But I will post updates on here every now and then as new posts at the end like this one, and I'll try to respond to comments since the last one.
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Coming out to the family has been a bit of a mixed bag so far.
My parents (both in their late 70's) were supportive in their initial response, but seemed less so when I went to see them to talk about it last weekend. Of course they'd been shocked by my email, but as the people who have known me the longest I suspect they are thinking it's just a phase I'm going through. They listened to what I had to say, but I'm not sure they were taking me completely seriously. The only real impression I came away with was that they were sad for the disruption it's caused in my relationship with my OH. Since I have no male dysphoria, they would only like to see me as my male self. Understandable I guess, but a little disappointing.
My sister was more supportive in her initial response, and I've replied to her questions. But her family was off to Spain for a week on the very morning after sending my email, and she's a busy lady so I've not heard from her again since she's been back. Although I know she talks to our parents quite a lot - updates on their grandchildren etc. - I'm not so good at keeping in touch. I'd like to go and see her as well if possible, to gauge her reaction a bit better.
There are still two people left for me to tell: my son on the autistic spectrum, who now lives 60 miles away still with his mother, and my aunt (Dad's sister) who's about twice as far away. I think this weekend is going to be the time to send that email.
I don't imagine my son is going to understand at all, I'm sure no feminine spirit moves him in the slightest, but he's definitely inherited my lack of communication skills as we're not in touch from either end very often these days. In the end, I don't think it'll make much difference to him, or his reaction, to me. He has his own car and could come and see me any time he likes, just as I used to go and see him regularly before the pandemic, but I think the spheres of our lives just don't really have any intersection any more. I guess he'd still be the same person towards me if I still turn up as the Dad he grew up with, and that's about all I could hope for.
My aunt is the one person who I think will completely get it. It seems there's been one unconventional member in each generation of our family, first her aunt (and Dad's), then her. Then, out of my sister and me, it was always going to be me 🙂 Again we've not been in touch much over the years (I'm sure there's a common theme here!) but she's been in and out of hospital with hip complications recently. Thankfully that should all be sorted now and when she's recovered enough, I'd like to go and see her and take her out for lunch, as Fiona.
On a different note, yesterday was the second time I have both started and ended the day as Fiona. Remember what happened the first time? 🙂 But nothing as dramatic or emotional this time, it was a work day. No, really, Fiona got quite a lot of things done 👍 While opportunities to expand my experience as Fiona are naturally going to be somewhat limited by necessity on a work day, I do rather feel I've come off the boil a bit since the week before Easter though. I've only managed to go down to the postbox twice more en femme since then, whereas I'd previously made the most of some lunchtimes with trips into town etc. I also don't want to take time out of the weekends to be Fiona when my relationship with my OH needs me to spend that time with her right now. But at least I got out into my back garden en femme to eat lunch in the occasional patch of sunshine yesterday and today. I also took the camera outside for the first time, and there are a couple of new additions to my public photos.
That's everything for now, but we'll see what develops with family this weekend. Also with my OH: with her daughter now back at Uni, there's just me and her in her house again, so it will be easier to talk about Fiona and not upset anyone else with whatever reactions might come out of that. Or who knows, all may be forgotten for a couple of days if the expected new grandchild finally decides to make an appearance! 🙂
Hugs to all,
Fiona xxx
I finished the process of coming out to the family today, by emailing (separately) my aunt and my son.
First I had a very positive email back from my aunt. As I suspected, she got it.
Then, within 15 minutes of sending the one to my son, a phone call from him. The first thing he said to me was, "Dad, I just wanted to let you know it's absolutely OK to to be yourself around me and Mum". Oh I could so have hugged him, except for being 60 miles away. We had a lovely chat and I'm going to go and see him soon and give him that hug in person. I think we might end up seeing more of each other now than we have done in recent years.
I still want to go and see my sister, too. She's been supportive so far but not really said how she feels. I think my nieces and nephew will be fine as the younger generation is so much more aware than we were.
With more evenings now at my place than before, I am taking every opportunity and very much enjoying my femininity, even if it's mainly indoors these days. Today I've been wearing my little purple dress with the deepest neckline, to best enjoy the cleavage I managed to achieve using a tip I read on here. I mowed the lawns like that at lunchtime with just my long black loose cardigan over the dress, so not really hiding anything! Since I was otherwise going to be indoors today, once I came in from the garden I also put some of my heels on for the first time in ages. I really should wear them more often, as the femme feelings I get from being in them and from catching my reflection looking properly-proportioned in the full-length mirror, are both most pleasurable. Add in the cleavage and it's been a very good dressing day 🙂 I've put a couple of new shots with today's outfit in my public photos if anyone's interested.
It's not all blue skies though. I wrote on a reply on another thread (so, sorry to repeat) but I think that those feelings need to be recorded in this blog thread.
"My OH and I worry that we're going to lose our relationship: either we'll drift apart over the summer (while I'm at my place living as Fiona), or she won't be able to cope with how much Fiona time apart I'll need ongoing afterwards, or I won't be able to cope with such a large part of me being stifled when I'm with her. I wish her attitude towards Fiona could change, but she's absolutely entitled to those feelings and that position, even if they contribute to our demise. I recognise that because there were no real checks on it, I didn't fight the lure of the pink fog as it rolled in. Maybe I would be worse conflicted now if I had, but we are where we are."
I do wonder if maybe I should reverse the plan for the summer. But now that Fiona is most definitely a part of me, I think I have to do this to know for myself just how much of me she needs to be. Will there come a point (before 100%) where adding more Fiona time doesn't make me any happier? Would I even I miss my drab self? (Although I won't be Fiona absolutely all the time, I'll still see the OH at least one evening every fortnight to do the supermarket waste food run for her local Community Fridge, and there are various family events where I'll have to attend in drab).
While it’s still up and down between the OH and me, we are both showing each other our feelings so much more in the last couple of weeks than we have done for quite some time before the events of Easter. I have expressed hope in previous responses that somehow Fiona’s increasing influence in my personality can hold us together and change the DADT into something more open. But sometimes that feels like a scant hope in the face of her mind so resolutely set on her opinion. And as I said above, that opinion is completely valid, so I've no right really to hold any hope on that score.
Maybe the holiday in a few weeks will change the landscape for the better before I take my leave for the summer. We'll just have to keep our fingers crossed, suck it and see. 😐
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On a lighter note, as of this morning the OH finally has her second grandchild, that's one of each now 🙂 Mother and baby are doing well and have both spent the day mainly asleep, with it having been an overnight labour. We'll doubtless be invited over for a coo and a cuddle this weekend, which will be nice. I'd say, it's been ages since I've seen a baby that small, but actually it's only about 2½ years since his big sister was born 🙂
This weekend the OH and I have very much reconnected. There's certainly every reason to get back after the summer to see if life with Fiona works for both of us together 🙂 At the same time though, the pull of the pink fog to just remain Fiona seems very tempting, at least from this side of the summer to come. I suspect the outcome is going to come down to the strength of those two feelings.
This weekend, the OH and I had our separate space. She went for a coo and a cuddle with her new grandson, who looks adorable in the photos and is quite a bouncing young lad 🙂
I went to see my son for the first time since coming out to him, in fact for the first time on my own since before the pandemic and, I'm ashamed to say, at all since last Autumn. Without being too specific, it turns out that he's not the only one who's now in the transgender realm, although we're in very different places and he doesn't do what I do. We also really reconnected and I am absolutely welcome to be Fiona around him and his Mum. I'll be taking them up on that quite early on my journey this summer I think 🙂
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I know I started the second section of the last post with these same words, but here we go anyway 🙂 On a lighter note ... (pun intended) ... it would seem that Fiona is an ABBA girl 😊
1978 'The Album' followed by 1976 'Arrival' are currently going down a storm 🙂
Lovely to hear things are on the up for you Fiona. I shall look forward to more positive news xx.
Just a quick update to mark that at last, I got out and interacted with people en femme again today. It's been almost a month since my big trip out, during which time I've not been further than the postbox at the end of the road. This time, having indeed deposited another couple of packets in there, I carried on as far again to the local convenience store, to drop off another parcel for courier collection. Although I felt more nerves than for some time when preparing to go out, I'm pleased to say that I was relaxed again by the time I even got to the end of the little close I live in. I passed various people along the way and got no visible reactions, except a smile from an older lady out with her husband.
It was just warm enough in the weak sunshine for me to wear the outfit I posted photos of yesterday without a coat, except with white femme trainers in place of the grey pointy flats. I would have loved to extend my walk further and go buy some stamps at the Post Office, but a look at the sky told me that might not be so wise, so I came straight back home. It might not have been much, but I'm happy I've got back into my stride, as it were 🙂
Much more than previous posts on this thread, the following account is intentionally written so that I can later remember my feelings from this weekend. You're welcome to read it, it's all part of my developing life as Fiona, but if you don't enjoy over-sharing, this might be one to skip as it's rather more related to the struggle on the part of the OH and myself to maintain our relationship.
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This has been a far more difficult weekend than the last one. Having felt very much loved by my OH the evenings & nights I was at hers last week, and loving her in return, on Saturday things took a very different turn from the moment we got up.
Upon being asked as I opened up my laptop after we'd come downstairs, I immediately printed out all the documents for our holiday next week. However, to my discredit this was not actually at the first time of mentioning, nor even after the first little reminder. While I was never trying to withhold anything, the holiday hasn't been at the forefront of my mind in the last couple of weeks what with a surging feminine side and three insurance claims going on after the episode with the runaway DPD van. But oh boy did I get the third degree about it 😣. There followed a day of frequent withering at the rough edge of her tongue, the central theme to which was that she could no longer believe a word I said since I'd lied to her by not telling her about Fiona for the 2½ years that this side of me has been developing. Any attempt at rebuttal being therefore pointless, I kept my head down and spent much of the the afternoon preparing and gluing the soles back onto her sandals ready for the holiday, as requested. I helped (not so much in her estimation) with dinner and cleared everything down afterwards as usual. As the end of the evening approached, it transpired I was at fault for not taking the initiative to initiate intimacy, during the little time we have left together before the holiday and my subsequent leave of absence to live as Fiona. Honestly, by that point I just wanted to crawl under a rock. She went to bed and cried herself to sleep. I stayed up for a while trying and failing to write some replies on here because I was also dog-tired. Thankfully I didn't wake her as I came to bed.
Sunday morning duly started out on rather a low. But the arrival of her grand-daughter to look after for the day cheered us both up, it's very difficult to be in a bad mood around a toddler with infectious joy at everything in her life. Finally after dropping the grand-daughter back off for her tea, we got the chance to talk. I led with an apology for 'missing my chance' the previous morning (I'd been thinking at that point to try that on after mending the sandals instead), and got back at least an explanation for the degree of her mistrust. Rather than pursue an actual apology for her mistreatment of me, it was time to just let it go. We ended up having a very good dinner and an early night for all the right reasons.
Today I've not had nearly as much desire as usual to transform into Fiona, despite staying at my place for tonight. To be honest I wasn't really as eager last week as I've been before, either. Maybe it's my ongoing cumulative lack of sleep? Or is it because being Fiona is so at odds with the volume of intense masculinity I've been experiencing recently in the intimate company of my OH? That said, in the last week I have managed to buy 5 pairs of femme shoes and a dress, and I've spent the day in the first two pairs to have arrived. One of them is my first brand-new Long Tall Sally purchase, some diamante wedge espadrille sandals. The spotlights in my kitchen really set the sparkles going! Looking forwards, I've also set up a few interesting trips out for during my forthcoming time living as Fiona. But I didn't even shave and get changed out of the rest of my drab clothes until about 7.30pm tonight, and never got as far as any make-up. Tomorrow I probably won't do any more either, as I'm due on a call in the afternoon and cameras may be required, so I'll have to be back in drab (at least on top) by then, after which it's time to go home to the OH. Oh well, there's still Wednesday morning through to home-time on Friday to spend as Fiona this week. I'm too late up writing this post to get a really good night's sleep tonight now, maybe tomorrow night will go better in that respect ... we'll just have to see.
There's been some progress this week. The wreck of my lovely Volvo convertible has been sitting on my OH's drive under a plastic sheet. I've just today been paid for it, having settled with the 3rd party's insurers. I have to say they (Aviva) have been very good to deal with. They were a little lower than my insurers at first valuation, but after submitting extra documentation to both, they came back the higher and without any excess to pay. So finally, salvage has been instructed and it'll get picked up the day after the OH and I get back from our holiday, upon which we embark early on Monday morning 😎
Sunday is the first major event of the year for the car club, although I fear attendance could be rather low. So I'll be around on Saturday night and then be signing off and going off grid until we're back - I still have to pack when I get back from the show on Sunday! Since my OH isn't coming, I'm soooooo tempted to go to the car event as Fiona and effectively come out to the club ... but if nothing else, I would have to get up way too early to be able to get all made-up and ready and still make the rendezvous - plus a girl rather needs her sleep these days 😴
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Today has been my full-Fiona day, which is always a pleasure. I was also in full girl-mode most of yesterday, for once in trousers and a new top. Today I re-did the cleavage trick from a couple of weeks ago and went for my faithful outfit of a wide-necked blue & white striped long top, over my stretchy jeans. I think the jeans prefer my wider set of hips, I don't seem to fill the bum or the sides even with my enhancer shorts under my smaller ones. But the top kept most of that out of sight and drew the eyes upward ... ahem 🙂
I've been expecting it to rain all day, but it hasn't until well after dark and even then, not very much. So I've still managed to take the opportunity for Fiona to wake the campervan for its monthly constitutional, and pump the tyres up, right outside on my front drive. I've got a new double footpump especially for the van and oh girl, is it going to be good for the hips, that's actually quite a workout 😳 It was lovely to finally get out a bit and drive the old girl out to the motorway and back en femme, that's about 18 miles all told. Then after work I wanted to be outside again, so I went for a walk locally, without any coat but in my white girly chunky trainers. I did about 1½ miles just around the streets and back through my local park, in the slowly gathering dusk with the odd tiny drop of water in the air. It was a little colder than I was expecting, especially around the fingers. I was practising my femme walk and that video that @rebeccabaxter mentioned recently has really helped me. The key understanding seems to be to walk with the hips, not the shoulders. Keep those back and down and the elbows in. The rest then just seems to follow - the sway of the hips and the swing of the arms as you almost glide down the pavement. It's actually a really comfortable way to move 🙂
That must have given me an appetite because I've polished off a generous M&S curry for one and some tenderstem broccoli, before getting into my purple dress that I did the cleavage photos in - except this time without the leggings. Last night I was in the (very!) red dress that turned up. Both nights I've been in my new diamante wedge heels, which really love the streetlight over my back garden for the alleyway behind. I have a plan for that red outfit!
Of that, more later. But first, to bed I feel. Good night all 🤗
Thanks for the update Fiona. I hope your holiday goes smoothly xx.