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Friday night. Cooking dinner, a glass of wine or two. Music playing in the background. All in all a good night. The wine continued to flow which is unusual for me as I'm not much of a drinker. As the night progressed we started discussing stuff.
Any of you who had read my random ramblings over the last year or so will probably know that Mrs B is well used to Sasha being around all pretty much all of the time now & with some Dutch courage consumed I broached a topic that has been more & more on my mind these days.
"So, how would you feel about me starting HRT"
This could have gone a number of ways but fortunately calm heads prevailed. We had a long discussion about the whole topic, why I wanted to, what did I want to get out of it, the health risks involved, how it would make Mrs B feel, would it even work given my age & could we actually afford the cost of it.
As this is what I would consider to be an opening salvo on the subject, I consider it to have been a success. She didn't rule it out but obviously had concerns which I will need to work on in the coming months. For now, it's not a "NO" & I'll take that as a win.
Whether or not I end up taking it, I think that I can now officially announce that I consider myself to be trans. Some might say that this takes a weight off your mind but as I've kind of known for ages now I'm quite comfortable about it. Considering how I've been living for the last year or so I guess it can't have come as much of a surprise to Mrs B either which is perhaps why raising the topic didn't lead to anything bad. Right now, for me at least, the cost is the biggest obstacle. Going private I would be looking at a grand to even get the ball rolling & waiting for the NHS I would be in my 70's before I even got to see anyone. By then it would be a bit of a waste of time. To be fair I could fund it by giving up ciggies & spending the money on this instead so I guess that could balance out both the cost & health concerns. Trouble is I actually enjoy a ciggie so that's not as simple as it sounds. Problems, problems! LOL
In the meantime Mrs B said that she had got me a Noogleberry system for Christmas so, assuming it actually works, that's going to be a first step in the process. Being a pretty good A cup already I'm excited to see whether I can achieve the goal of a C using this. I will keep you posted over the next year with results whether they be good or bad.
As for the HRT, if I was in my 20's or 30's I think it would be a no brainer but I find at my time of life I'm a bit torn up about it. On the one hand I would love to but on the other I'm terrified that I would go through the whole process with all of it's challenges & still end up looking like a dude in a dress. If I was offered it now, like right now, I would say yes & pop those pills but having to jump through all the hoops to get there is scary to say the least.
Well, that's got that off my (soon to be bigger hopefully) chest for now. It's going to be a long old journey to figure it all out but at least I've made a start.
Have a lovely weekend all
X
Sasha
@sashabennett A question to ask yourself, whether "at your age" or not, is... what do you want to get out of doing HRT at your age?
If you just want breasts, then there may be others paths to getting or making them. Surgery is an obvious way, but there are others.
Check out Lucille Sorella's Femme Secrets. From the testimonial pictures that I have seen, that may be enough for you.
@harriette That was one of the questions that was posed by Mrs B in our chat. Boobs are an obvious one, hence the noogleberry but that's by no means the only thing. There is skin softness, fat redistribution, i.e hips & butt (which is a big one for me) Padding gets you there but they are still just "smoke & mirrors" to me. There are also general emotional effects & actually knowing I was doing as much as I realistically can to be true to myself. I'm not a fan of boob jobs on the whole, they always look fake & without a gender dysphoria diagnosis you can't get one in the UK anyway. I don't know about the rest of the world but without getting past the gatekeepers it's impossible to do almost anything properly here.
@harriette I have done in the past but I always thought that most of the "tips & tricks" are already available without charge on youtube.
@sashabennett No tricks. She has various therapies available, now. They seem to work, according to the evidence that I have seen.
@harriette I'd need to see the evidence before I would shell out. Must be cause I'm Scots & we all know how careful with money we are 😆
I think your wife would rather have you on HRT than smoking.
Maybe you could work out a deal where you start HRT, and after a set period of time, say 6 or 12 months, and as the hormones begin taking effect, you slowly work you way off ciggies and promise to quit by the end of the period. That way, you both get a win.
@d44 An interesting idea but not actually the case. She's not in the least bit bothered about smoking. I know it's hard to believe these days when it seems everyone is anti smoking but it's just not true.
@d44 i am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I believe I am correct in stating that smoking elevates the health risk of HRT, so if you smoke enough that quitting smoke enough to pay for the cost of your prescriptions, then quitting seems is a definite win-win.
@kimdl94 You are not wrong in that assessment. It elevates many health risks yet we still do it. Just stubborn I guess. I don't take well to being told that I shouldn't do something. Having a good reason though...... that's a whole different ball game.
Hi Sasha, firstly it is wonderful that you can talk to your SO about this, keep talking that is very important.... You seem very happy with how you are in general at the moment.... I was at this point a few years ago and after thinking about it long and hard I decided that I don't need to change my body to be happy. I need to be me... In the last week I have been out to restaurants and shopping fully in female mode and loved every second of it. So what I am saying is think about this very carefully, will going down the HRT route actually make you feel any happier? I am not saying don't do it, I am saying fully consider what the real benefits might be fully before you go down that route...
@andreauk Hi Andrea, thank you for your input. It's good to have things challenged with an experienced eye as it were. From my point of view I have considered what I would perceive as the benefits vs the drawbacks & there are big pluses & minuses on both sides. It feels like the plus outweighs the minus right now but I'm sure that things may crop up from out of the blue that I had never even thought about, that's just life I guess. Will that road lead to happiness? I can't really say without travelling down it but judging from the experience of those who have it seems it just might do that & there is only one way to know for sure.
@sashabennett I have no such need or feeling, ultimately I am a bloke in a dress. However, if you are looking at HRT, I think you need to get independent, professional advice on the pros and cons of it and the heath risks. Is it something you go back on if you change your mind?
@annaredhead If that works for you then I'm happy for you. It worked for me in the past but I feel like I'm moving past it now. Don't know why, nothing's changed but it seems more is required these days. As for advice, I can't think of any more informed knowledge than from those who are already on it. I've read through all the life stories & medical literature I can find & haven't found anything that has put me off yet. Can you go back if you change your mind? Yes & No. Some things will go back to how they were some things won't. There is a reason you need to keep taking the hormones permanently, if it all gets too much then just stop taking them. The bottom line is that Mrs B has to be on board with it, our relationship is the most important thing for me & if it turns out that it's a no from her then so be it. Nothing is decided yet & I doubt it will be any time soon. There is much to discuss.
