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Went to a Wig Salon for the First Time and Said Something That has me a Tad Confused

32 Posts
19 Users
119 Reactions
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Posts: 317
Lady
Topic starter
(@oliviac)
Prominent Member     Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Joined: 2 years ago

So today I have had the first opportunity to have a girl day in a month. So I decide to get all femme and go to a shopping centre that has a wig salon. The wig salon is one of those stores that is more like a stand in the middle of where everyone walks. So I walk up to the lady and say I"m looking for some short hair wigs. She sits me down in front of a mirror and asks me colour and style etc. She comes back with a wig and says try this on.

Now at this point I am already wearing a wig that I have to take off to try the other one in the middle of a crowded shopping centre.(Obviously I hadn't thought the full process through) So I figure all I can do is come clean to her. So I say to her "This is a wig I'm wearing that I'll have to take off to try that one. I'M TRANS. The words just came out of my mouth without thinking but then I thought am I really Trans. I've never said the words I'm trans before let alone to a total stranger. I have never really thought of myself as trans more gender fluid. I just said I'm Trans as I thought that was the easiest way she would understand what she would see when the wig came off and now I am a bit confused. Does anyone know to be trans means you are a full time female or is part time girl like myself also trans when she is presenting as a female. 

The lady was wonderful and said she has trans people come here all the time so she said for me to slide my wig off to the back. while she put the other one on from the front to cover my real hair as much as possible. A long story cut short in the end I broke the budget and went mad and spent $400 on two new wigs.

 

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31 Replies
6 Replies
Lady
(@sashabennett)
Joined: 1 year ago

Noble Member     Wick, Caithness, United Kingdom
Posts: 804

@oliviac Interesting, I was considering this very point earlier today. When does one consider that they have moved on from being a crossdresser to transitioning. What is the marker that signals the switch & how do things change from then on? (apart from spending a fortune on wigs LOL)

X

Sasha

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(@rachelatshop)
Joined: 7 years ago

Trusted Member     Midcoast, Maine,, United States of America
Posts: 47

@oliviac I think saying that was more likely something the sales lady could understand then if you had said that you were gender fluid. Sometimes we automatically use terms that are more accepted and understood. I don't think you should give it a lot more thought then that.

 

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Managing Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 2 years ago

Majestic Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5221

@oliviac 

Does anyone know to be trans means you are a full time female or is part time girl like myself also trans when she is presenting as a female?

There have been lots of interesting replies already.

I’m trans. To ME at least this means that I’ve always felt like a girl, despite all evidence to the contrary, and that I self-identify as female. It’s not affected by whether I’m dressing en femme (full time or part-time) or wearing a pair of men’s trousers. When I go to work in drab I’m no less trans than when I get home and put on a skirt.

My biological sex is male; my gender is female.

Other people may have different definitions. That’s fine. You do you 😊

I’m not going to start boxing myself into a corner and saying that THIS is trans but THAT’S not. It’s just words. They mean different things to different people; I’m not about to start bopping people on the nose just because their definition differs from mine. I certainly won’t get offended by anyone that has a different take on it. 😊

I DO agree with what other girls have said about the importance of how we introduce ourselves to those outside of our community, at least on a casual basis. The term ‘cross dresser’, very unfairly, may have negative connotations for some people. This is largely due to the way in which cross dressers have been portrayed in the media over many years. As @rachelatshop says, because of this it’s sometimes simpler to use terms that are more accepted and better understood. This ties in with the experience of @robertaf :

I've chosen to say that I too am Trans, when I need to. It's way more acceptable to others than to say I am a CD. It just makes it less stressful for them.   

‘Trans’ tends to just get accepted, especially by the younger generation, without being accompanied by suspicion or a barrage of questions. If I’m clothes shopping and want to try something on in store, telling the sales assistant I’m trans is like using a magic word. They tend to smile and whisk me to a changing room. Okay, in my case it’s true … but I know that if I said ‘I’d like to try this on because I’m a crossdresser’ then things might not always go as smoothly.

As JJ points out, ‘trans’ seems to be fast becoming an acceptable shorthand that people are reasonably positive about. Personally, I think that's a good thing.

Ellie x

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Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2157

@oliviac For me I know when I first came to CDH on the profile we are asked when we first found we were transgender. I was offended I said I AM NOT TRANSGENDER, I AM ONLY A CROSSDRESSER

Today I am almost full-time presenting female and call myself gender questioning. If any one asks I am trans. 

Cassie 

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Managing Ambassador
(@lizk)
Joined: 5 years ago

Illustrious Member     North County San Diego, California, United States of America
Posts: 3859

@oliviac 

I was using the term 'trans' well before I identified as such.  It's a term most cis-people recognize and have a clue what it means.  Telling someone I'm a 'crossdresser' or 'gender fluid' was more likely to confuse or be misinterpreted.  How we communicate a message is often just as important as the message itself.

/EA

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Duchess
(@pattyphose)
Joined: 9 years ago

Famed Member     Long Island, New York, United States of America
Posts: 2296

@oliviac I think in today's world, trans is better understood than gender fluid or crossdresser. Maybe by just saying you are trans, it would be better understood or accepted.

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Posts: 1728
Baroness
(@chrisfp99)
Famed Member     London , Kent, United Kingdom
Joined: 2 years ago

Olivia, this is a question I've often pondered but hesitated to ask for fear of causing offence. What exactly is meant by transgender? And is trans merely a shortened form, or has it garnered a slightly different meaning of its own? Lovely to hear about your super experience at the wig salon.

Hugs, Chrissie xx. 

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Posts: 1062
Duchess Annual
(@robertaf)
Noble Member     Louisiana, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

For what its worth, I've chosen to say that I too am Trans, when I need too. It's way more accepting of others than to say I am a CD. It just makes it less stressful for others.   

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Posts: 2172
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

There are a few ways to look at it. Saying you are trans can just be a shott hand way of saying you are somewhere on the spectrum of gender identity. It can also be a eiphamism for being a crossdresser that relates more to the women's said without having to explain ot all. It could also mean yoi are transitioning and you are somewhere along that journey, but you yourself may not be sure exactly where along that path you are. Of course it can mean exactly what you said, that you have come to accept that you are transgender.

It is somewhat difficult for me at time to articulate why I dress to others in a simple way without getting into a major discussion. I dislike the term crossdresser, and prefer en femme, but few people understand that. When talking to some one I usually say something to the effect of, "I am somewhat of a crossdresser." This thry understand to a degree and it is quick and easy, if not very accurate. I suspect " I'm trans", can be quite similar.

 

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Posts: 1461
(@finallyfiona)
    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

It hasn't come to it yet, but if anyone says anything or asks me why I cross-dress when I'm out en femme, I intend to look them in the eye and tell them I'm trans.  I've come out as such to all my family so it's not like I'm pretending anything.  That should be enough not to have to go into 'bi-gender' (which is what I feel I am) unless whoever it is recognises me from my drab self.

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Posts: 22
Duchess
(@noralisa)
Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Joined: 10 months ago

An hour ago I had a talk with my transgender son about the word transgender and whether or not he would consider crossdressers to be transgender. On some websites transgender is considered as un umbrella term which covers anyone with non-cisgender feelings. Other websites consider it a term for people who want to transition (or already have) to another gender.
At first he said he considers someone who has gender dysphoria transgender. But as we talked we realised it depends on what definitions you have. To him crossdressing was about wearing clothes of the opposite gender, which I can understand because it literally implies just that. I explained to him that it is much more to me. I agree with @jjandme en femme is a much better word but less understandable for the outside world. For me the clothes, make-up, wig and shoes are enabling me to feel and be feminine. It transforms me to another gender, even though it is temporary. So I'd say calling it being trans would be fitting.

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Posts: 3445
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

I wonder if when you sat down she could see who you were and no intro necessary. 

For myself I was looking for a wig salon and made contact through E mail and said I was Trans. It's probably as easy as anything, a term most understand and if you are going dressed we know where we stand. In general I present myself and say nothing. It is for them to ask, which they usually don't and I don't tell and life goes on.

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Posts: 1742
Duchess
(@alison-anderson)
Noble Member     Middlesex county, New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

I consider myself a crossdresser. I'm happy to come home and put on a skirt, and otherwise present as male. But I realize it is much more accepted to present in public as a woman in a skirt than as a man. I have learned how to make myself look feminine. Over time, I have come to enjoy presenting myself as female, but it is not a core need.

A number of people have touched on the question as to whether trans (or transgender) is an umbrella term or a specific term. Since you have no right to ask someone who is transgender if they have had any surgeries (top, bottom, facial, etc.) or even if they could get the surgeries (maybe medical issues make it inadvisable), you can't tell the difference (in public) from someone who has had all the surgeries, someone who has socially transitioned, or someone who does it part time. Technically, the term applies to all. But general use tends to use the term to those who are full time.

If you would like to hear some further discussion on the topic, check out "The Fox And The Phoenix Podcast" episodes 011 and 012, "What Does Transgender Even Mean?" (part 1 and part 2) from November 2020. Each of these is a bit longer than 30 minutes.

You can also check out episodes 060, "Just a Crossdresser" (53 minutes, October 2021) and 083, "Trans Enough" (about 49 minutes, April 2022). These last two are probably related (but not exclusively) to the question.

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Posts: 935
Guest
(@Anonymous 47410)
Prominent Member
Joined: 6 years ago

I think wig shops in my area are very accustomed to dealing with both trans and CDs, so they really don't care which group you are a member of.  The sale is all the matters.  

When need be, I don't find it difficult explaining the difference between trans and a crossdresser.  I am out in public frequently, particularly at local festivals.  Also, I attend veteran's ceremonies.  Both these venues are places where in the past I have had to explain the difference.  Atlanta is a LGBT friendly city, so people are particularly curious and don't mind being educated.  

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Posts: 1797
Baroness Annual
(@d44)
Famed Member     New York, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

The definition of transgender that I often use is "someone who presents as the gender opposite from that which was assigned to them at birth. It came into more widespread use in the 1980's as part of the transgender spectrum idea, which encompasses everyone from those who only dress occasionally all the way up to those transexuals who have had all surgeries, are on hormones and live life 24/7 as a woman. Therefore, we are all trans but we are all located at different points on the spectrum.

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Posts: 370
Lady
(@sf)
Prominent Member     SoCal, California, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

If / when it comes up, I just tell folks that I am a cross dresser.  Staci.  

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Posts: 875
(@ladymakenzie)
Noble Member     Brighton, Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

Olivia,

I too remember how shocked I was when I first openly referred to myself as being transgender.  For me, the conclusion that I am transgender is not about wanting to be a woman, (which I do not), but rather the understanding that I am a man whose identify and expression is not limited either masculine or feminine, but rather is an integration of the two.  And after some soul searching and deep thought, I concluded that it was the integration of my masculinity and femininity identifies me as being transgender. 

On a related note, it was my wife who actually was the first individual who referred to me as being transgender. She made a reference during a discussion about a debate within her family about her cousin's daughter who has been expressing similar feelings.  That, too, was a surprise to me.

MacKenzie Alexandra

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Posts: 317
Lady
Topic starter
(@oliviac)
Prominent Member     Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Joined: 2 years ago

Thanks so much to everyone for all your replies. After reading them all I thought I would do some serious research into the definition of the terms transgender and trans. After a few hours the only definition that was black and white was that anyone who wishes to identify as the gender opposite to the one they were born has gender dysphoria and this can be in varying degrees from being not their physical gender full time to once in a blue moon. I found definitions for transgender and trans in many places that said you must be full time to be trans or transgender and just as many that said anyone presenting as the gender opposite to the one they were born even for short periods were transgender while others used the terms gender fluid, bi gender and non binary and not transgender at all.

So after all that I think I have drawn a few conclusions. In my case I only present as a female part time but in my head I am partly female and want to be as much that female as possible right down to how I walk and talk and my body language when I am Olivia. If all the psychiatrist's and university professors and all the other respected people in this area that I read in my research can't agree if trans person is someone who presents as the opposite gender full time or only occasionally I think I'm ok to tell people I'm trans.  As using trans as a few of you have said has a generally positive reaction from people these days and it's definition is well understood so best to use a term that you won't have to explain.

Today there are so many terms these days you hear to describe people with gender dysphoria and I have read in my research today many an argument on the definitions of these terms even some between girls like us. This makes me think are we wasting too much time trying to make us all fit in a particular box with a particular label. Maybe we shouldn't worry so much about what label or name we are. Each of us is a wonderful unique person that has something special to contribute to the world and maybe we should forget the labels and just be that person.

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2 Replies
Baroness
(@chrisfp99)
Joined: 2 years ago

Famed Member     London , Kent, United Kingdom
Posts: 1728

Hey Olivia, some good thoughts there. I have never even considered assigning a label to myself. I just know I love to slip into a nice dress and heels when the opportunity presents itself and that's good enough for me xx.

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(@oliviac)
Joined: 2 years ago

Prominent Member     Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Posts: 317

@chrisfp99 The more I looked into this the more I agree with your philosophy Chrissie. Give me a bit of makeup, wig, yes dress or a nice pair of tailored slacks with top and heels and that's what it's all about.

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Posts: 2172
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Olivia, I agree and that was the poont I was trying to make aboit labels and boxes. While they do jave some use for.discussion purposes, in the end there is no such thing and everything in life is on a continium and defies easy boxing and labeling. In the.end, it really.doesn't matter and we all.just need to.accept people as they are, not as how we want to define them.

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Posts: 22
Duchess
(@noralisa)
Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Joined: 10 months ago

For me, as I am just exploring myself and discovering who I am, I find that it does help me a bit to find a label that fits me or sometimes specifically what doesn’t fit me.

I’m still defining myself. I first thought crossdressing helps me feel and be feminine, but after some reading about different genders (labels) now I think it’s the other way around.

I am sometimes feminine which in turn makes me want to crossdress, which actually means it’s not really crossdressing anymore 🤔 it’s matching my gender expression with my gender identity of the moment.

So labels helped me go from crossdresser to gender-fluid. But whether or not you would agree with this depends on the definition you have of crossdressing for which there are multiple also, just like transgender. 

In the end I think we’re all complicated and unique 😄

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8 Replies
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1461

@noralisa

Posted by: @noralisa

I’m still defining myself. I first thought crossdressing helps me feel and be feminine, but after some reading about different genders (labels) now I think it’s the other way around.

I am sometimes feminine which in turn makes me want to crossdress, which actually means it’s not really crossdressing anymore 🤔 it’s matching my gender expression with my gender identity of the moment.

Exactly this.  Thank you for posting it 🙂

I had the same conversation with my OH tonight.  She doesn't believe in anything other than the gender binary, and she is having a hard time understanding why I dress, which she can't accept in the slightest.  For quite some time she was insisting that there must be other ways for me to get to feel feminine, that don't involve me looking like a girl.  That my side of the compromise that will hopefully allow our relationship to continue, should be to find and use such methods instead.  

I finally realised that she was coming at it from the wrong direction.  I told her that I dress to look like a girl, to express who I feel I am when I'm feeling feminine.  That the compromise would be in only doing so as little as I need to, rather than as much as I want to.  I think that point finally hit home.

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Duchess
(@noralisa)
Joined: 10 months ago

Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Posts: 22

@finallyfiona Since my coming out I have thought how we (me and my OH) can fit this in our lives. There will likely be compromises, so I was thing along the line of proposing to dress once a month or so. I now understand why that thought felt wrong. It is not something I can plan, it is what I am. I can’t plan how I feel. 

@oliviac sorry for going off topic

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(@oliviac)
Joined: 2 years ago

Prominent Member     Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Posts: 317

@noralisa Don't be sorry Nora this is an interesting discussion. It has taken me a number of years since coming out to a psych my SO and my kids to understand how it works. This is how it is for me but as everyone is different it . Mentally I am about 60% male and 40% female. So I agree with what you said Nora that I am not crossdressing I am actually dressing to match my mental gender.  It is not something I choose to do it is something I have to do to be me and be content with myself.

I agree I can't allocate times to feel feminine it will just happen so as you say it doesn't work to allocate every second Tuesday as a girl day or do anything like that. I have been in a car parts store ordering some carburetor jets in overalls talking cars to the guy at the counter when a lady walked in wearing this gorgeous pair of high waist tailored slacks. My mind instantly flicked from carby jets to I want to be wearing those slacks and my black top with the gold pattern would go perfectly with them and my black heels. I thought about those slacks for most of the afternoon. Sadly though there are many occasions for me and I presume for many of us here on CDH when we are yearning to slip on a dress, wig and heels where the practicalities of life mean we just can't and have to be patient and wait for that opportunity.

 

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Duchess
(@noralisa)
Joined: 10 months ago

Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Posts: 22

@oliviac I was just thinking I’m not a crossdresser, I’m an acrossdresser, I dress across genders 😊

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(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1461

@noralisa No, you can't plan how you feel.  About all you can do is put up with it until you can express it. A month sounds like a very long time.  A week feels like quite long enough!

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Duchess
(@noralisa)
Joined: 10 months ago

Trusted Member     GLD, Netherlands
Posts: 22

@finallyfiona yes, a month maybe a long time, but for me at this moment it would a huge step forward. I don’t know if I could handle it emotionally right now to do it more often seeing how I reacted the first time

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(@oliviac)
Joined: 2 years ago

Prominent Member     Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Posts: 317

@finallyfiona That is difficult that your SO can't see you can feel different to your physical gender. I was reading that psych's now think mentally there are over 70 genders that a person could be. The good thing is you two are communicating and talking about it. I think it is a good step you have made her understand this is not something that is going to go away. It will take time for her to digest it all and all you can do while she does is to keep being there for her and give her honest answers if she asks any questions.

I was on another forum before CDH a few years ago when there was a girl there who was at a similar stage as you and had not long told his wife about his female side which he had hidden for 20 years. Her reaction was similar to your SO's that she didn't want to accept it. Within a few weeks of telling her he was leaving his nails and toenails painted most of the time and had his eyebrows trimmed so there were constant visible reminders to her of his femininity. I guess being female must have been more important to him than his marriage as they soon went their separate ways. When I told my wife about me needing to be Olivia her greatest fear was that I would want to fully transition and that would be more important to me than our marriage. So I suppose if there is a moral to this story it would be if you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her be patient with her and the two of you will work it out and ride off into the sunset.

I truly wish you the very best.

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(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 1 year ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1461

@oliviac Thank you hon *hugs*  With that many gender options I'm surprised the psych's don't just agree that gender is a sliding scale between male and female and have done with it! 

We continue to talk.  Today, rather than anything specifically gender-based, it's been about a lack of trust,  because I'd said nothing for the 2 1/2 years that this was all building before I came out a month ago. 

I hope you are able to give your wife the reassurance she needs.  I can't say with any surety at the moment what might or might not be in my future, as I'm still discovering how deep my femininity goes.  Getting to know that side of myself more fully is what this summer is going to be about - and finding within what limits the balance of my two genders lies.  Then to see if we can also find a way for it to work for both of us within those limits.  We are certainly going to keep communicating!

I really hope it does have a happy ending.  But I'm not under any illusion that staying together is going to be the easier option for either of us in the long run.  In the short term, separation would certainly be more painful, but may ultimately allow both of us to be happier.  I guess it's a question of the rewards of our relationship being worth the difficulty of the compromise that will be necessary to maintain it, for both of us.

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