Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
A while ago there was a very interesting discussion about why there are fewer younger girls here (let's say under 40), and I had a thought about that today.
I was ordering a couple gifts for my wife on Modcloth (yes, very Millennial) and thought about how easy it would be to slip something for myself in there. I do worry that a delivery from there with my name on it my get her a little suspicious as I usually don't gift her clothes simply due to the usual risks of buying clothes without trying them on, but it's Christmas and some of it is jewellery so it's fine. I had thought a lot about potentially slipping in something pretty for myself around the holidays when "uncharacteristic" deliveries and making certain storage spaces off limits is normal, but I stopped myself again. It simply would not be a responsible use of money right now.
This is nothing new for me and nothing foreign to a lot of people my age. Perhaps the number one reason younger girls seem absent is that this part of ourselves is just unaffordable. I would wager to say that those of us who grew up in a time of increased tolerance, acceptance, and even encouragement fight our feminine side not out of shame, but simply impracticality. Even in my younger, less fat, untethered days I would be struck by the pink fog in some of its greatest intensity and even within walking distance to a massive thrift store I had to say no. As important as it is, it has to be forgotten when even feeding oneself is a challenge. I am sure there are sisters whose SO's acceptance is almost a given, but who have continually buried the woman inside hoping for her never to return because they can't even fathom affording to clothe her. I was one myself and given the lives of most of my peers, I am certain they would do the same if they have the same urges as us here.
I have little faith that things will ever "get better" for those of my age group, but I think the sisters whose economic uncertainty has led them to denial will one day have to confront it. Hopefully it will be more accepting by then and they might not need an online forum, perhaps it will even be me feeling fabulous in public and happy to help them out, but for now I'm here letting the lady inside out where she can thrive even if she is naked.
Hi Hon,
In responce to your post, I'm not sure economics prevents anyone on this planet from obtaining what they really want. A drug addict will always find a way to obtain the cash they need to buy drugs, even if it means going without a meal or two. I am 58 years old and I own a small business that normally brings home very good money, but I am having a bad year with my health that has affected my finances, but I still purchase my hormones, do my electrolysis and pay for gender therapy to transition. These are things I really want and need so I will do what it takes to be able to afford them. I think if someone really wants to crossdress, they will find a way. Whether they wear someone elses clothing, wear last years styles or steal items at the laundromat or clothes line. They "Will" find a way. Crossdressing for some people is like a drug where they become euphoric while dressed. I accept the fact that you did not dress, or purchase, during lein times, but the urge to crossdress is a very hard thing for most people to ignore. And many are totally unable to ignore that urge. So, how many members can, and will, ignore the urge to crossdress during poor economic times.
Thank you, Aoife, for the thought-provoking and candid post. Yes, I can see how economic constraints may significantly limit some younger girls' ability to acquire items to express their femininity with. I guess I am one of the "older" girls, in my upper 50s and likely within one standard deviation of the mean age for members of this site. (Just a little plug for any technically-inclined, Gaussian girls out there, LOL. I like curves, including bell-shaped ones. BTW, Gaussian girls must be the other kind of GG....but I digress...way too much!)
For me, increased urges to dress coincided with kids leaving the house and perhaps hormonal changes that come with age, hard to say. It seems natural to extrapolate our feelings and circumstances into the future. But I can't say that my current urge to dress might not wane at some point down the road. I kinda doubt it, but that's just my upper 50s self talking, LOL.
One way some could help would be donating clothes we have that never have or no longer fit to sisters who would like to start their wardrobe or just have some items to experiment with. Whilst in my densest of pink fog banks, I acquired lots of thrift store items without trying them on first--some quite nice. I started simply re-donating them, but then switched gears after I met some CD sisters, and gave them some of the nicer items instead. I have heard rumors of some trans/CD clothing swap events, and maybe it's a real thing in larger communities. Have not researched it.
Would love to hear other ways we can help our sisters out. Yes, to be out clothed, but also out emotionally.
Economics will affect how well and perhaps how often we dress, but an online presence at CDH doesn't have to cost anything (I upgraded to Duchess because CDH was so good for me, and I can easily afford it). I stumbled onto CDH by pure chance, but stayed because it fulfilled my needs. I hear tales about other, more PG-17 forums, and the seemingly high turnover for the young crowd makes me believe that is what many/most of them are seeking.
Good word-of-mouth advertising might make a huge difference here - and eventually in the outside world; but the openly CD crowd is a very small portion of the total. It's a sort of Catch-22 situation. CD life is not difficult for me, but that is because the older I get, the less I care (with specific exceptions) about how others may judge me...and I expect this view will be found in many/most of the 60-plus crowd.
There is something to the issue of sacrifice in this. When raising a family or struggling to pay tuition, keep food on the table and the lights on it can become a bit awkward to try to jusify the costs of crossdressing. It becomes exponentially more difficult when one's SO has often needed to go without in terms of her own wardrobe! As much as I hate it, there are things that should, must and do take priority. That's life I guess.
Money concerns definitely used to contribute to my denial. I've never really properly factored my spending on my cross dressing stuff into my budget, even though I know I should, because I'm a little worried that knowing those numbers might bring that back, along with the other negative feelings and internalized nastiness.
One interesting thing is that since I have started to accept my cross dressing, it's now much easier to control impulsive purchases. Still there are times when I know I better stay off Amazon...
It can really hurt when emotional and cold hard financial/practical needs clash. I don't think cross dressing is totally unique in causing that, but maybe the ongoing struggle it causes is. Sometimes I do feel like the girl in me is enraged at not having the wardrobe she wants. I don't see that changing too soon unfortunately.
I'm perhaps on the younger side here. I missed the previous convo on this topic, so don't know if perhaps this was said before?
But I would argue, besides potential economic issues, I think there are fewer younger girls here because:
1. In general, younger people use social media for quick hits. A quick pic, a snapchat, drop a meme, a gif, that sort of thing. We here, in the forums especially, are basically writing long form letters to each other. Kids today can't relate, aren't interested in doing that, it's just not in their social media DNA
2. Younger girls are more likely to be in denial still and trying to suppress their inner fem. So coming to a site like this (especially when maybe they have wives at home, like so many here seem to) would be too difficult an admission at this point. Same person 20 years later probably won't care as much and is more likely to open up.
3. Younger girls who are out are, to be frank, using the internet for sex/dating/hookups -- not to chat about life. Generalizing a bit here, but that IS the modern social media habit of the young these days. They simply don't gather round to have chats about life and do so in messages that go on for...gasp!...entire sentences, or even god forbid....paragraphs!! With grammar and punctuation even!! Gasp!!!!
I can relate to what your saying on money playing a larger part for us girls who are married with children. I think I fit into the younger group here. I'm 36 been married for 15 years my wife has known since before we were engaged. I have three children ages 8,10 and 12. Their needs come before mine. As a husband and father I do feel the responsibility to be the provider for my family. I often put myself last when it comes to buying anything for myself. It has to be a necessity for me to spend money on myself. My wife doesn't buy me lots of girl things because she accepts my dressing but doesn't encourage. So I only buy myself girl things once or twice a year. I just cant see putting my feminine side in front of my kids right now. As I get older and they leave the house I can see me being more likely to spend more on me.
Yeah that’s exactly what I’m talking about! Just imagine if you didn’t come out before you had kids!
I'm glad I did. It has cause lots of arguments and misunderstandings between us. I have had to really open up and talk about things I had always hidden. It has taken years to peal back all the layers to why I do it and how it makes me feel. I dont know if she will ever fully understand me
It’s just so hard to convey! All they see is the difficulty of being a woman and seem to think we are oblivious! I think if I had the chance to dress sometimes she would see another side to me that she would like but that’s a while off.
As has been suggested here, it's really about prioritizing your life, whether it's an online presence or purchasing items. Online, as in checking so many sites, has really taken up a lot of what used to be discretionary time.
For purchasing femme clothing, (at least in my experience)if you are single and have discretionary income it would seem obvious to do so, which some years ago I was able to do. I would suggest however in continuation of Aoife's comment, based on what I see with my adult kids and their friends, that a daily cup of some coffee combination at Starbucks or the hundred other knockoffs takes precedence over a lot of other discretionary income purchases (as does furniture from IKEA or items from PotteryBarn that will never last the test of time to pass on to their kids, not that those kids will want that....stuff, as ours don't want Henredon or the like, much of which we inherited...and appreciate.
Also, most of us who do have/ad kids didn't/don't have a lot of discretionary income and even for those who do/did, a good conscientious and caring and loving spouse would be wanting very good reasons as to why you're forgoing a family vacation trip, presents at important days, a replacement roof/furnace/hot water heater sooner than next year among many other family important expenses, to spend on what they would consider at best frivolous items - even with supporting spouses.
We mostly all do what we can with what we have and need, balancing against what we want.
Thank you!