What is CD'ing - the Thursday thinker.

If I am sat in front a dressing table as Amanda, then my eternal struggle to be free from the bond of masculinity, to the true identity I am mentally engineered and programmed to achieve and crave, has freed me from my prison of gender confrontational conflict within my mind.. My whole function depends on my ability  to be Amanda, her  femininity the heart beat of existence that spells the very concept of the truth to person that often replaces her in the reflection of the mirror "The otherme".

I suppose that, for me, no matter how old or unattractive I get, once I have 'dressed', and brush my hair I can look up and 'she' is there. I am unsure of its origins but there is a feminine persona within me that is genuine and needs to manifest, to be alive. So, to 'cross-dress', is to be a male and feel that way and to act upon those feelings. I suppose in many ways the same could be said for females who wish to access the feeling of being empowered that adopting a masculine persona brings but I would be reluctant at equating the two modes of gender variance. Especially in regards to motivations.

Araminta.

Oh wow, a girl (and boy) after my own heart. I recognise the 'getting into trouble' part, we can be quite demanding.

Didi💋

I can’t say it’s a mirror for me, but that’s because I’m still figuring it out (and I’ve been at it for quite a while).  I really liked your question because it made me reflect more on this, and though I still don’t have a solid answer, I offer this:

When I heard this movie quote for the first time in the movie theatre I completely zoned out of the movie for a few minutes because it immediately struck me how perfectly it described “what CD’ing is to me.”  It’s worth mentioning here that I’m also someone who didn’t start crossdressing until my mid 40’s.

The movie was “The Last Jedi” and the scene was Ray answering Luke’s question about why she was there.  Her answer to him is also my answer to your question:  “Something inside me has always been there.  But now it’s awake.  And I’m afraid.  I don’t know what it is or what to do with it.  And I need help.”

Hope that my referencing of this so far out of its original context doesn’t offend any of the franchise fans (because I am also a big fan)!

It just fits so perfectly for my answer to your question.  As time goes on, I’m less and less afraid of it, learning more and more every day what to do with it, and getting the help I need from all of you!   Not sure I’ll ever reach a complete understanding of what CD’ing is to me - but facets of the answer continue to reveal themselves along the way....

Marcellette

for me dressing is a compulsion that unfortunately controls my life 24/7

This question just made me sit back and ponder... In my journey I have gone through phases and tried some things on and off since a young age. Truly more experimentation and thrill then anything else.

Recently I have gotten into the full experience, diverse wardrobe, makeup, wigs ect. I have ventured out only once, at night, alone and didn't get out of the car. I do have the desire to just walk through the mall or store and just be comfortable and enjoy the experience. I guess I really don't know what it means to me just yet but hopefully I'll find out...

Wow, such a profound answer. Don't  worry, the quote works perfectly in this context, certainly explains how I felt as I moved through my many 'purges' on my to acceptance.

DiDi 💋

Thanks Jenny, thats great to read. I'd hoped that the question would prompt a good Ponder.

The real brain squeeze comes when we ask: if a man is wearing a dress, but in that moment he sees himself as female, is he any more crosdressing than if he wore jeans when he sees himself as male? Simply, is the perception of crossdressing just a state of mind.

Maybe one for next week

Didi 💋

Hi Didi.... here's my Friday answer

My reason???...

It goes far too deep to write down here without producing a book!!! I have been doing this a long time now, and it's really just become a way of life...

Grace says goodbye to Mr drab when he goes to work...she has learned to be a patient girl. When he returns home, there's a quick exchange of pleasantries, then he goes to the bedroom...where he belongs.

It's grace time...time to relax, time for her to be free and express herself. Do you know, sometimes she can be cooking, reading a book or listening to music, and she couldn't even tell you what she is wearing or what colour lippy she is wearing without checking ??? but it's still beautiful when she catches her reflection....it always has been, nothing will ever change that...it's just all so natural!!!

Weekends or breaks, Mr drab doesn't show, because he knows his place!!!... he's just not wanted or needed.

I did laugh out loud when you mentioned " hobby"....

collecting stamps is a hobby, being grace is my life!!!

Grace xx

Your answer is spot on. I'm a big fan of the franchise as well, and this quote fits so many other facets of our lives.

I think CDing for me has and always be in flux. Before it was "I want to, but I can't" has become "I want to, but who has the time". I honestly hope it gets to "I did, now what?".

This is definitely one to make a girl ponder.  I have my sister to thank for showing me Paula that very first time.  My sister is almost three years older than I am, and I idolized her back then and was sort of her shadow.  The girls she played with would not have a boy in their group, so she and a friend dressed me as a girl one day.   It wasn't the process of putting a pair of panties, or the sundress and sandals.   But what happened when she pinned my hair back with that barrette and turning me to look at myself in the mirror, I cannot explain, but I knew that was not a boy looking back at me.  I didn't feel any difference, but who I now saw everytime I got changed to go and be with the other girls was the 'right' me.  I was accepted into the group without question as Paula.  Playing sports or cowboys with the other boys held no interest for me.  That lasted for about a year or so before the Barbie group broke up, and sis had told me not to tell mom about her dressing me.  I never did.

It was easy to dress in secret for several years after that as my sister and I shared a bedroom, closet and dresser, so I had easy access to her clothes.  I didn't start to dress every day until is was about 12 or so, and the days I couldn't were miserable.  I was home alone a lot then and into my early teens, and I  began to venture out of the house more and more.  I rode our shared bike everywhere just be outside, and most times I was dressed in some of my own clothing from the stash I had collected.

At 15, I think that is truly when I began looking for who I was supposed to be.  Before that, it was just about feeling good, which became a different good at puberty.  But I began looking and searching for a way to und er stand myself and my feelings.  Not much information was out there in the late 70's, and I learned some things the hard way, but I  did learn them.  Because of economics and my own stubbornness, I wasted a lot of time that should have been spent beginning my transition.  False starts and setbacks added to things to where I got a solid start at living my life as it is now.

I think most outsiders would say I am only a crossdresser as I present as male at work.  But that is only 8 hours.  The rest of my time, I  live as Paula.  I see myself as transgender, but on hold one more year because of cancer.  My counselor has termed it as transgender, not in transition.  I am okay with that.  Next February, THE big decision of my life will take place.  I will reach the 5 year mark on cancer survivorship and my doctors say I can start my HRT as long as I  am cancer free.

Am I  a CD or Transperson?  Does it matter as long as I am happy in my life, or if each of us is happy in each of our own lives?  Don't let people who don't understand label you.  Be yourself and we will all find our place in this wide open spectrum that is our special place.

PaulaF

i started very late. about 5 years ago. i dressed once at home, i bought a sexy little mini skirt. i loved the way it looked. i thought i should share it with the world. so i did. it was such a rush, like being addicted to something and wanting more. i have never been addicted to anything in my life, but what a feeling. i can not stop and have the need to want more. i have done so much in the last 5 years dressed than most of you have done in the last 30 years. wished i have started when i was younger. but i was married then and had a different life. i may never find another sole mate, but rachel will always be there for me. i have so much fun when im her. shes a brave and wonderful person who gets along with everyone. just what i needed in my life. the stories she could tell and the ones to come will be endless, when i'm sitting in the nursing home waiting to die.

It has always been a feeling that I am both genders and personalities. I just love spending days at a time enjoying both sides of the same coin. I can go weeks in my male mode of life and then there is just that pull to be out as one of the girls and enjoying a different view of others and life. I dont see myself as a male in womens clothes because for me there is a personality and behavior change as well. Not sure if that makes sense to many ppl

for me I started dressing at the age of 5 or so. I always loved the look and feel of the satin/lace lingerie.  Back then it was just dressing in panties as it felt good. As I grew older, i would try on my mom or sisters pantyhose which again felt great.  It became more of a sexual thing for me around 8y yrs old ( I was sexually molested at 5 so I think it woke that side up). I tried on my first bra around 12 and loved the look at feel, jealous that I could not have this type of underwear. over the years primarily dressed in lingerie due to its feeling good, the look and the naughty factor. Fast forward, a few years back I began to add makeup, nail polish, heels and clothes.

I enjoy fully dressing up as it seems to relax me, it does not feel wrong, I still worry about others finding out or being exposed.  As most people do not understand it nor want to as society has brain washed them to think it is wrong, gross or disgusting. I think for many of us, our dressing is somewhat of an inner battle with what society think we should do and act and how we rally  want to dress and act.

I for one are getting more used to being fully dressed without the guilt/shame ( or least very minimal)