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Not sure if this conversation has occurred before, but I was curious. I had a conversation with my wife this weekend because I am considering attending a Christmas Gala event about 2 hours away from home (no fear of an outing in front of people I know). During that conversation, I had to try to explain my current existence as a long-time crossdresser. I currently feel that dressing for me is more of a cosplay type event. I just adore the getting ready and all the "pretty" things that go with crossdressing. Where I differ from others (and of course, that is fine) is that I don't identify as a female while dressed. I don't change my voice, I don't really act differently (other than the way I sit and sashay) and I am really uncomfortable choosing a female name. For me, I am still me. I totally understand why others do the lives the way they do and I am in no way passing judgment. For me, dressing up is fun, an escape and 100% me. I had to explain to my wife that I do not desire to be anything other than me in a pretty dress. I appreciate the feeling of soft things, the flow and swing of a dress, and the way a women's shoes hug my feet. I admire the fashion that women are permitted to wear. I have always viewed my activities as a costume that makes me really happy. I am so spun up thinking about the beautiful dress I will wear to the event. A day to be pretty outside my home. If I can keep the courage up, I think it will be a blast.
SO, I guess the question is, am I alone at this place on the spectrum of the CD world. Am I a lazy CDer? Am I hiding from the true reasons behind why I do this? I mean, it's been 40 years. I've never sought any type of therapy, because I've never really considered it a "problem". My wife is totally ok with it, she just jokes that it's a bit weird. Maybe the "cosplay" view of things protects me from being even "weirder" in others eyes. Maybe I should talk to a professional about this 🙂
@dannydior301 I don’t think you are remotely alone in your approach to CDing. I know lots of others who pursue wearing women’s clothing as simply an enjoyable experience, a hobby, if you will. Others feel they are expressing some innate feminine qualities within. And some are leaning hard towards living part of full time as women.
All are fairly common and all are valid.
@dannydior301 For me personally Ive gotten more therapy from CDH than I thought possible. but I also learned a good gender therapist may also be needed as I still have inner conflicts to resolve. Also and most importantly there is no such thing as one size fits all..
Early on I was looking for confirmation that I was not alone. You all have made that perfectly clear that we are not. Ive met so many here that seem to be in a simular bucket as me, but im so glad there are an uncountable number of other buckets with different perspectives to learn from. as its those individuals that have challenged me to learn the most about myself.
With that said Im with you on many of the things you say. Ive tried to talk feminine but for me It just does not feel right. though singing is a different thing as trying to mimic female singers has greatly helped my falsetto. Also acting differently than who I am is not a thing either. I can also understand the relationship to cosplay, but Ive changed and learned so much since joining here that I cant say I do what I do for the reasons I think I do. and I still have alot to learn and come to grips with before I will know who I truly am.. Have a great day RC
@river When I told my wife about CDH and how I was thinking of joining she said - Oh yeah, absolutely, do it. You need to be with your people!
There’s a couple of deejays I listen to that often say about the internet: “Whoever thought it would be a good idea to create a network that would allow every weirdo to find each other and create their own groups?” Every time I hear them say it I think: ME!
Now obviously there are a lot of evil fringe groups on the internet -but CDH sure isn’t one🥰
@gracepal Theres the Dark web and the Pretty Web. Can you guess which one were on 
Cheers RC
@dannydior301 I don't think you are remotely alone in your approach. As we are all individuals, I don't think there is a standard we all most follow and it's best to each express ourselves in our own ways.
For me, I need to put the dress and tights on and I enjoy the rest of the process of going en-femme.
I do change the way I walk, sit and move but have not really worked on my voice. Still the same me though.
For some of us, it's all about the clothes. Nothing else at all. Decades ago, cosplay wasn't even a thing, yet there were plenty of crossdressers that did it JUST because they liked the clothes.
As far as I'm concerned, you fit right in with the rest of us. It IS a spectrum after all.
As for therapy, it comes down to are you 100% comfortable with who you are?
If you are questioning why you crossdress, that might suggest some unresolved internal conflict. Talking to an experienced gender therapist might be helpful.
/LK
@dannydior301 - I don't know if this helps, but I used to question myself about being a CD, I must have wondered why me a thousand times, but then one day whilst thinking about it yet again, I had another thought, I have a sense of humour, but I don't ask why or question any part of it, I accept it as being who I am, and that was the moment like the final piece of a jigsaw puzzle dropping into place, I realised that being a CD is who I am, I don't need to question it, and since then I've never given it a second thought. So think about all the many things that make you who you are, and accept that being a CD is just one of them, after all I doubt you would consider a sense of humour a problem. So accept what you do, and the way you do it....and enjoy 🙂
Sienna
@dannydior301 Danni, you're in a community of thousands of girls here. Absolutely every point on the crossdressing spectrum is covered. Sorry to break it to you but you're not unique 😂. We are all different, just with a common theme running through us. That diversity is what makes this place beautiful.
I love the prettiness of women's clothes and accessories. I aim to be as girly as I can. I don't identify as female (we are the lucky ones with no dysphoria). I'd feel silly trying to change my voice. Like you I would like to master feminine mannerisms. Unlike you I like my girly name. I've never felt any need for therapy. I'm completely comfortable with my desires.
So I'm quite similar to you in a lot of ways. But there are girls here who wear panties once a year, and girls who are en femme 24/7. And those who have transitioned. I say VIVE LA DIFFERENCE!
Hugs, Chrissie xx. @
@chrisfp99 thanks for sharing. It’s good to know that in this diverse group, there are similar folks. And I am unique, you just haven’t met me yet! 😉
Danni ❤️
@chrisfp99 my big “everyday” thing is that I almost always have my toenails painted. I have even ventured out in public in my summer sandals. Doing my small part to tear down the barriers 😜
Danni,
Like everything in life. Especially the hard to explain or handle. We have to make it right in our own minds.
Sometimes we are our worst critics and thus act more like an enemy to ourselves.
Here it's more like you be you. This is not a test but more like a statement of fact.
Your really in a no judgment zone!
Fran 🥰
@gafran I so love this group. It is so hard to find a place where keyboard warriors don’t throw some kind of shame at you no matter what you say. Maybe men wearing dresses is the way to make the world a kinder place! Wouldn’t that be the best!!? 😂
Hi, Danni, thanks for posting this topic, it's clearly of interest, given the number and content of the replies.
There was a topic a little while ago, in which the starter spoke about another site. She had been insulted and harangued for not being a "real" cd or trans because she didn't do this that or the other. In other words, not conforming to some other person's very narrow and fixed view of what cd's and trans people "should" be and do.
It doesn't matter what I call myself or what labels others want to apply to me. I am who I am now because of how I choose to live and because everyone here accepts everyone else.
Because of this community, I learned to accept myself and, for me anyway, that is the most important thing.
Fire some reason I now have the strains of Hawkwind's "Be yourself" from "In search of space" going round in my head 😊
Allie x
Fire some reason I now have the strains of Hawkwind's "Be yourself" from "In search of space" going round in my head 😊
Allie x
I had all of Hawkwind's early albums, In Search of Space being my favourite and on which my fave track was You Shouldn't Do That.
Fed up with carting them all around, I finally sold all my vinyls in 2002. I got £110 for perhaps seventy discs and was just pleased to be rid of them. These days, if I'd waited, I had such rarities, I could have sold just ONE of them for that price.
I've always had the same luck with money; if I won the lottery, I'm sure the very next day, a jet engine would drop on my house! I prevent that from happening by never buying a lottery ticket (that, but mostly the fact that it's a tax on the gullible or the dangerously over-optimistic).
Becca
@rebeccabaxter Absolutely agree with you about the lottery Becca. I've never ever bought a ticket xx.
@rebeccabaxter Hawkwind? Another band I’ve never heard of. What’s their BEST song? (Not Becca’s fave, biggest hit?😊)
GP
@alexina I've got an Orgone Accumulator/And it makes me feel greater... 🤪 It wasn't so long ago that I decided to look up, what an Orgone Accumulator actually is/was. Interesting story straight out of the experimental sixties! 😷
Ha ha! I've seen Hawkwind loads of times and that track always gets the crowd jumping.
@dannydior301 I guess I really don't know where I exist in this world. After 50 years one would think I would have figured this out.
@dannydior301 I’m pretty sure you just described 90% of the members here on CDH Danni. I know you described me to a “T”. My question is why question yourself after 40 years? (Unless you have other thoughts gnawing at you.) And with a supportive spouse no less! Embrace your feelings and enjoy the h*** out of them🥰 You’re in a sweet spot girl, embrace it.
When a lot of us were growing up in the 60’s and 70’s we had no exposure to other crossdressers. There was a stigma prevalent in society that if you wanted to dress up and play girl - you must be a real sicko! We all believed that to some degree back then and therefore questioned ourselves whenever we indulged, purging and coming back over and over again. Thankfully the internet has changed everything. For lots of us this IS a cosplay activity. In fact, it’s a perfect description. Dressing like a lady is just another costume. Like a fisherman, a tennis player, a softball player you get your gear on when you partake in your hobby. Like you, I’m not messing with my voice one iota. I can only go as far as I want to go. Every girl has to decide those things for herself. You see evidence in the photos here on CDH…girls are doing whatever they like. No, it’s not always “full on girl” for sure. But if they like it, so be it.
There’s a great old song from 1969 that I rediscovered recently and thought, “What a great tune that ties in with crossdressing and the sisterhood we enjoy here on CDH.” It’s called “I’m Not my Brother’s Keeper” - by Flaming Ember. It’s easily findable on YouTube. The chorus is so perfect -
I’m not my brother’s keeper - Though he be strong or weaker. Before you judge me why not - try and love me?
So, to conclude IMHO the only professional you need to talk to Danni - would be a professional crossdresser to get more tips on perfecting your look! Otherwise, you’re as normal as the rest of your sisterhood🥰
GP
@gracepal thanks so much! I have embraced this part of my life for a very long time. I mean, of course there was the purging when I was younger, but for the last 25 years, I have loved being who I am. I think I may have ventured too far into the internet and found some other groups that started me down the path of wondering if I was an “imposter”. I discovered small corners of the web where I was getting private messages from men seeking many various types of sexual interaction. I certainly don’t fault anybody for enjoying whatever they like, but that’s not for me personally. I’m not sure why I never put 2 and 2 together and considered that all my efforts to be the prettiest girl in the room might attract men 😂. But, after all is said and done, I’m a 6 foot tall, 250lb man that loves to look and feel pretty once in a while.
I have no other expensive or time consuming hobbies and I’m not hurting anybody else. I’ve recently discovered the many groups that get together in safe places and I’m so excited to explore that. I always felt like I was wasting my time getting all dolled up to stay in my house. I mean, don’t we all have a little exhibitionist in us? What’s the point of all of this if we don’t show off our own personal mastering of the craft?
Good talk. Thanks again. I’m so glad I found this group! You are all the best!!! ❤️❤️
@dannydior301 Danni, yes, you nailed it in that last paragraph. Once we get all dolled up and the pictures are all taken, what do we do now? For me, it’s planning to go to Keystone and meet a few of my peeps. I can empathize with girls wanting to get out and about when they get dressed up -as I used to do that myself. It’s a natural progression. Crossdressing is definitely a vanity project and we all have a little narcissism in us🥰
@dannydior301 - no you're not alone. I enjoy dressing, you enjoy dressing - it's fun. It doesn't make you female and it's fine to be a man in a dress - although a lot of people think it's weird. Your life though. I love the clothes typically aimed at women, and if I choose the right things and the right sizes, I can create a me that looks how I like me to look. I only choose a femme name for some anonymity and a bit of fun. I don't 'feel feminine' when I dress. How can I? I don't wake up every morning 'feeling masculine' so how would I know what 'feeling feminine' feels like? I know what feeling excited feels like though!
@dannydior301 Danni, you seem to be questioning why you crossdress. Do you fully understand why you do this? Is it important for you to know why?
You mention pretty clothes, the tactile feel of materials used to make them, and you mention your fantasies about wearing them. We all are on the crossdressing spectrum and you seem to sit on a few different points on the spectrum. I don't view that as a problem. Do you?
However, to me, being closeted for a few decades seems to be bothering you now. You want to release yourself and go public. You see a crack of light coming through an open door. Why not find out what is on the other side?
Recently, a whole bunch of members identified themselves as being a crossdresser similar to you. Interested in the fashion, not Interested in feeling feminine, not wanting to draw attention, being normal. You are not alone, you are part of a crowd.
I would love to be able to read your Christmas Gala story, Danni. Tell us about your new freedom and the joys that you had with new friends. After doing that there will be no stopping you.
@harriette I can’t wait to get out. I am generally a very reserved, quiet guy that does not enjoy the spotlight. I did recently attend an outing in a very private and safe place with a few other CDH members. It was FANTASTIC. I discovered a person inside of me that is 180 degrees the opposite of me. Friendly, outgoing, a real “chatty Kathy” life of the party if you will. It was so nice to experience a part of my personality that I never knew existed. I’m the same way on this forum. I am so much more open than I am anywhere else. I truly love this side of me. I used to hate it and was ashamed for many years. At 50 years old, it’s tough to hold onto any of that bullsh*t. It’s my life and I have fun doing this. I experience such joy when I feel I look good.
As for knowing “why”? It would be interesting to know I guess, but maybe there is no clear answer…and who really cares? I know it’s not from trauma, so it’s just a part of me. A part that I am learning to love more and more each day.
I will definitely update after my night out. Hopefully I can keep the courage to do it.🤞🏻
@dannydior301 Danni much of what you describe here is me as well. You nailed it with your line of “At 50 years old, it’s tough to hold on to any of that bullsh*t.” Just imagine how tough it is at 67. Good for you that you refuse to do it anymore -as life is so short. For me that bullsh*t also means most of the garbage coming at me from the media, news sources, peer groups, etc. It just does not matter.
Crossdressing is a godsend because many of us find our nirvana there. I once heard an older gentleman give a speech about regret. There was a part in it that resonated: “I feel like for most of my life I’ve had my hand on the doorknob. I just never opened the door because I was too afraid to.”
I vowed that day to at least open a few more doors and take a look inside.
GP
@dannydior301 Wow, the fact so many have chimed in should let you know we all think the way we approach our magnificent obsession is fine. We do what we are comfortable with but are highly supportive of all our sisters.
Danni, thank you for the post and you are right to post it.
You appear to have explored your reasoning and been open and honest with your wife is good.
There are many here that dress for the self same reason as you and only you know how you feel about it at this moment in time. If it makes you happy and relaxed then all is good and still part of this community as you enjoy wearing womens clothes.
Maybe after the event you are going to or further down the road you may begin to question yourself further. You may want to go out more, question your identity then further talks with your wife may be in order and consideration of therapy.
At the moment you are in control, it isn't adversely affecting your life so you enjoy your moments and have a good time.
Danni,
My dressing is very similar to yours, with just a couple of differences. I do take a female name and I kind of identify as a female when dressed, but not to any great extent, just enough to get into the spirit of the dressing, in the same way as I might assume different mannerisms if I was cosplaying, say, a middle England peasant, or some such. I have tried to work on my voice but only to raise it a tone and a half and soften it, just to appear less menacing I suppose, you know, so I sound a little less like a butch truck driver or East End gangster.
Are you a lazy CDer? I don't think so. You dress as far as you want to, for as long as you want to, as do I. I suppose there are degrees of cross-dressing, but there's not an exam you have to pass to reach a certain level—unless you want to 'pass', then by it's very nature, that's an exam in itself.
You do you and have fun doing it.
Becca
There are many here who feel like you do about dressing. Everyone has their own comfort level and niche where they feel the most comfortable. You seem to have found yours so enjoy!
I went to a small get together with some other CDers a short while back, it was my first time doing somo like that. I was a bit nervous about my appearance but what worried me most was my voice which is very deep.
It wasn't so bad though. I was the largest framed girl there but another one had me beat by a couple of inches height wise. And most present were speaking on noticably masculine voices, so I O gave up trying to sound feminine.
Not to say I won't try to look, speak, act, and think more like a woman, but there's only so much I can do with what I have to work with. Sometimes I just want to relax and enjoy the fun and not worry about being perfect at it.
Dressing up also appeals to the outlaw in me, like pulling off a major caper and getting away with it. Like this past Friday when I was out for an afternoon drive and stopped at a self serve to gas up while dressed.
There's no pressure here to confirm to society's idea of "perfect" femininity. Most of us aren't professional female impersonators and most of us either can't be or don't want to be. There's no way a person with my body type can fool anyone, so I'm not going to try.
So yes, I do simply enjoy the way I feel when I'm dressed. It's not that I'm lazy, it's more because I have to live by far most of my life as my male self.
Rayna
@rayna agreed. I’m so jealous of the guys that are 5’07” and slender with small feet. They don’t know the struggles of a 6’ tall 250lb crossdresser with women’s size 14 feet. “Passable” is t a word that can even been considered for me. I just hope to get a, “damn girl, you look great” once in a while.
Dressing up also appeals to the outlaw in me, like pulling off a major caper and getting away with it.
Yes! A scandalous thrill is how I like to think of it - like you are doing something something really wrong - but you're not!
There's no pressure here to confirm to society's idea of "perfect" femininity. Most of us aren't professional female impersonators and most of us either can't be or don't want to be. There's no way a person with my body type can fool anyone, so I'm not going to try.
My wife and I just saw our first drag show. The lead of the group was anything but feminine, just a chubby guy with a Mohawk and make-up. He didn't even bother to tuck. So not even the professionals are always feminine.
@harriette There are exceptions to every rule, it seems. We all express our feminine side in our own unique ways.
Rayna
@rayna That’s a great take Rayna - “There’s only so much I can do with what I have to work with.” So true. And isn’t it about enjoyment to begin with? Of course it is!
“Perfect” is the arch enemy of pretty good. And nobody’s perfect, no matter how perfect they think they are.
GP
@
One thing about this community I don't feel us ladies are judgemental. This is what I like about this community, you gotta do you whatever makes you happy. We're all in this together whether it's part time or full time we're here to support each other. I feel there is a lot of love in this community for each other to help us through our journey no matter what it might be.
Alexis Grace xoxo 💋
@alexisgrace I agree. Such a welcoming and safe group. Glad I found you all.
Danni -
Thank you for your question and the responses thus far are wonderful.
We are a diverse community that spans the spectrum. I find that to be one of the beautiful things about being here, no matter where you are on the spectrum you are welcomed with open arms.
I spent most of my life feeling the desire to dress but never following that desire out of fear and shame. The times I did dress were rare and short lived. About 6 years ago a situation presented itself where I told my wife of my desire to dress. She was taken aback at first but over the years has come to accept and support my dressing. For the most part I only dress at home, due to time constraints rarely wear make up (other than lipstick) but do occasionally go out underdressed in panties and wear a pair of ankle boots with knee high nylons. I also go to therapy, at first to help me understand my desire to dress but then to understand other aspects of my life. I'm not saying therapy is for everyone but I know it has helped me. Having a female name helps me connect with my feminine side. Suzanne is part of me and I am part of her.
We each have our own journey and how we get to where we are going will be different as will the final destination. It doesn't make it right or wrong just different and different is what makes the world interesting.
Enjoy your journey wherever it may take you.
XOXO
Suzanne
I try not to think of these questions too much. I do know that since I began to crossdress actively it has been a great help toward my overall mental health. Being able to drop my psychological baggage and take on a persona that embodies so many of the characteristics I would like to have and experiencing the world from a feminine perspective - even if only superficially - has helped me more than years in and out of therapy. Obviously not an answer for everyone, but it has been for me. This is a journey I will be continuing - and enjoying the ride!
@krisburton that’s how I describe it to my wife. Sometimes I just need some “girl time” to reset myself and get centered.
Excellent question and discussion. I can see your point, and it made me wonder about myself.
I would say that I fall into the category of looking and acting as female as possible when I dress. When I go out, I make sure my outfit and makeup fit the situation. I have been dressing for so long now, that even in male mode my actions are more feminine. So much so that it just feels natural, regardless of what clothes I’m wearing. Of course, my walk and mannerisms become just a touch more feminine when I’m dressed, especially if I’m going out.
@ashleigh You and Kris both bring up great points that hadn’t occurred to me.
To Kris’ point - First, stop overthinking it. Second, the more active you get, the more you begin looking at things from a feminine perspective even in male mode…gives you balance I believe.
To Emily’s point - The longer you cultivate this hobby, the more crossover you have into your male mode. Again, I think it’s a good thing. For instance, I’ve always crossed my legs like a girl when sitting - to me it’s natural and more comfortable than how men are “supposed to cross their legs”. I’ve been called out by the “bros” for it and it’s just ridiculous!
This has been a really interesting thread and made me realize that when you start putting on the panties and the bras, little do you realize at the time that you’re dabbling with the “gateway drugs” of crossdressing. You may be able to stop right there and be satisfied with just the undies, good for you! However, many of us progress past those into the more intricate aspects of the whole realm that it encompasses. We’re hooked! Many of us have tried to quit cold turkey but we get pulled back in. So, stop resisting. Because, unlike drugs, not only is crossdressing not harmful, it’s beneficial. One can never really say how far they’re gonna go - but it’s sure fun finding out!🥰
As Kris said: “Enjoy the ride!”
GP
I’ve always crossed my legs like a girl when sitting - to me it’s natural and more comfortable than how men are “supposed to cross their legs”. I’ve been called out by the “bros” for it and it’s just ridiculous!
This was unfamilar to me (two brothers and a father vs. no sisters?).
Female crossing legs at the knees vs the open 4 type of male crossing? I have always seen this as a logical distinction. Most women in a short skirt wouldn't do the latter.
This has been a great convo. I totally agree with your points. I can’t imagine my life without Cding and experiencing traditional “feminine” things in life. It’s makes me a much more well rounded person. I don’t know how else to say it other than it grounds me.
And it’s soooo much fun!
Dani, you are exactly like me, there are so many others like us here that just like dressing up every now and then and seeing a woman looking back at them. I’ve chatted with a few, so don’t feel like you are alone. I don’t need therapy, I know exactly what I am, I may be different than other people, but that’s what I am, so what!
@jennconn JC, your comment reminds me of something sarcastic someone said to me long ago that I loved: “Well you know that you’re a very unique, special, one-of-a-kind individual don’t you? Just like everybody else!”
It may have been my Mom🥰
@gracepal love that one Grace, are you sure your Mom wasn’t Yogi Berra, sounds like something he’d have said.
I don't "need" a name, except when I'm out in public. Then I want to give a feminine name.
I don't "need" to make myself look like a girl if I'm just wearing clothes at home. But if I'm going to go out, or came back from going out, or just feel like it, I may have on a wig and forms and makeup. I may even keep the forms on overnight (they're sleep safe).
I don't "need" makeup. If I'm going out, the only makeup I'm often wearing only a beard cover. Occasionally some concealer, highlighter, or bronzer for contouring. And rarely in full-on makeup for long evening trips out.
@alison-anderson I do find myself stuck in the “pefection” mode of my hobby a lot. Sometimes so much that it can ruin the experience. When that eyeshadow or lash isn’t perfect or I mess up my lip line, the fit of an outfit is off or the wig just won’t style right. It can kill my mood immediately. But when it’s all on-point…girl I am in the best mood. Take me out and show me off!! 🤣
@dannydior301 Wigs and lip lines are biggies. They gotta look good or the whole thing gets yanked and I have to start over til I get it right🥰
Been thinking about this and as an occasional very much closeted (for now) at least crossdresser who has no desire to transition to becoming a woman is what I do just dressing for a bit of fun every now and again just 'cosplay?' However I have developed my look to what it is now and think I could pass as a women from a distance at least so is it more than just 'cosplay?'
