Why worry about being Passable?

Hi Cindy,

Your points make lots of sense.  Fear of being noticed can inable some and not get out the door.  Blending in is always a good choice.

Alice

Cindy.

Daily, people pass my flat going into town. Lot of these i call " everyday" girls, just females nipping into town, doing a quick shop or a chore....

okay, most of them look neat, but loads dont even wear lipstick...certainly not dolled up!!

We go through all the forums on here about make-up, walking in heels, outfits etc....all very valid, but for everyday trips, such a high percentage of women just make themselves presentable and go do their thing!!!

Don't get me wrong, pre covid, women passing my place in the evening, mostly looked totally different, going to restaurants and bars.....very different!!

But if you want to be an " everyday" girl....just look the best you can....and go shopping !!!!!...worry about the glitz and glamour another day

just my opinion,

grace ❤️

Cindy

Well said!!

We put so much effort into presenting or "passing" when so many people are too worried about themselves and don't even notice you.

That doesn't mean stop what your doing...or stop being you!

Being "passable" can be debated and argued quite a bit.  That's why you'll hear us Girls talk about your confidence.  Many of us have "manly" features we can hide like an Adam's apple or a manly jawline.

Be your BEST that you can and love who you see in the mirror! Then hold your head up high and strut out there into the world with CONFIDENCE...knowing that you are a beautiful and amazing person!!

People will respect, appreciate and love you for it!

XO Robyn 🤗❤️💃

Now you did it!

As I may have indicated I have severe differences with terminology relating to gender issues. ‘Passing’ is such a term.

It derives from the brutalizing treatment inflicted on slaves resulting in a couple of generation’s children with light-enough skin to ‘pass for white’. The Gay community in the mid-20th century adapted to ‘pass for straight’. The transgender community modified it to ‘passing for female’. There are variations, i.e., passing as a member of specific social caste.

Each instance, for me, has underlying tones of racism and homophobia. A desire to knuckle under to unseemly conventions that will never quite go away but I sense that they are not going to have the same authority that they had not that long ago. The term ‘pass’ makes me uncomfortable.

There is also the element of indicating a malicious deception for duplicitous reasons. To pretend to be something we are not. This does not seem to be a term that accurately or adequately refers to the activity one is engaged in. Especially when one is engaged in it.

And especially it seems improbable that it should refer to cross-dressers.

First of all, most of us are male. But that is unimportant. I think most of us are fairly honest and if ‘dressed’ and confronted with being male would be woman enough to own up. I am not sure, but I sort of sense that probability. So, we really don’t even try to ‘pass’ as ‘female’, do we? It would be lovely to be seen as that feminine but we aren’t pretending to be something we aren’t. We are actually being what we are at such times: women. Remember, for me a female is the sex and a woman is the gender. As a general rule it is becoming less fashionable (outside of personal amusement) to try to fool the straights. We are getting to be more open about the fact that we are male and aren’t we pretty?

So we don’t ‘pass’ and I don’t think we should always try. I do think we can ‘be’.

As for the worry part, all women (both sexes) worry about their appearance. Being ‘passably fair’ is a major element of the feminine gestalt. But there is more. Some revise their stride and gait, vocal intonations, body language, etc., etc. in an attempt to create as authentic a feminine persona as possible then and feel depressed when they think it doesn’t work. And, while there are notable successes, most of us fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time but not all of the people all of time. I fear that depression myself. But I am always reassured by seeing the success of others. Especially those who are not fooling around and mean business.

Araminta.

For me I always worried more about being called out than being passable.  "Hey, thats a dude. Check out the sissy"  mortified me. And then I chucked it to the wind and out I went. Not for a walk. Or a late evening in an empty mall. No. Went to get a pedi and then to dinner in a busy restaurant in a busy shopping plaza. Now let me say that I was accompanied by my GGF. So I had backup. But what I figured out, quickly, is that aside from my voice I looked more put together than most of the women out there. And for the effort I was not only treated like a lady but complimented also. What a thrill.

💋

Trisha

Thanks for the background, Araminta - that's fascinating.

The fakery of "passing" resonates well with me - I have never attempted to "pass", as a 6' 4" guy with a love of 3" heels.

I see it as a performance art. A creation of a look, entirely feminine, and beautiful to my eyes. Getting a look that feels comfortable and right is the most important thing.

That look will allow the deeper personality to project. It forces others to confront things within themselves, and in extreme cases, causes them to exclaim openly - almost involuntarily.

While the odd negative is unavoidable, since people have not been normalised to seeing cross dressers, the overwhelming majority of reactions involuntarily expressed is very positive - almost gushing with praise.

Because a beautiful look is a beautiful look.

When you are perceived only on presentation, the duplicity of the look becomes obvious fairly quickly and, if you make it clear that you're not hiding anything, not actually pretending to be something you're not, but conversely, actually being everything you appear to be (ie, a cross dresser), that's where the empathy kicks in - the praise comes because you dare to be different - you dare to be exactly who or what you want to be, and that commands respect.

The negative kicks in when people do not understand why you want to be that way, defying what they believe to be common sense, assaulting their eyes with something they've been taught is not decent behaviour, but deviant, or sexualized. Their own sexuality is challenged, and they feel angry. You have cast yourself willingly out of the pack (or flock, depending on your pov), and you should be treated as an outcast.

This latter is a more primitive attitude, yet held by a large number of people.

Fortunately, in mamy public places, they won't act on it, because they know that they are in the minority, especially where messages of diversity paint themselves in rainbow colours.

At least, those are my current thoughts on it, based on the experiences I've had.

Being called out is nothing if you're expecting it. Just the odd poor idiot who doesn't understand people, and is probably a bit of an outcast themselves.

Love Laura.

Yep! Nice.

Araminta.

Hi honey, I dress 24/7 and know I'm made every time I open my mouth. I don't care, if like your shoes I'll tell you. I'll chat with cashiers, carrying my handbag and wearing a skirt. Visually I look the part, or at least I think I do. The woman at work haven't said other wise.  I'm happy thats all I care about, although I do have some responses ready incase I do get a direct comment. I think my favourite is "oh I knew I should have worn my black skirt instead. Thank you I'll wear that one next time."

Love Trish

My confidence is enough for me to ‘pass’ in any situation! I make an effort to dress, act and style myself as a woman otherwise what would be the point? Passable? What’s that?
I am Polly... I act like Polly, I believe myself to be Polly, my wife sees me as Polly, everyone I know sees me as Polly, I talk the talk and walk the walk. Passable?
ABSOLUTELY!

I am woman... hear me ROAR! Polly

Good point Cindy, and something that holds so many of us back.  I admit I'm still working thru it.  Maybe it is part the perception we each have of what the "ideal feminine woman" should look like.  And this quite often stems from an image we formed earlier in life.  It is such a subjective term.  So "passable" is going to have different degrees  for each of us.  Of course we all want to accepted as feminine and look young and beautiful, but that's not realistic is it?

Maybe judge not lest yee be judged should start at home with ourselves?  We will always be our own harshest critic.  Contrary to popular belief, beauty is not just skin deep, it goes down to the bone - to what's inside (!!). Let's ease up on ourselves a bit.  We deserve it.

Stevie  ❤

Hi Cindy,

Thank you for posting.

Your right when I see some woman who look like they just rolled out of bed, I say to myself - really? Even now for me as a secret CD I still do my best to feel pretty.

I think for me its part of being CD I would want to be a pretty lady and do my best to show the world my beautiful Katey. I do enjoy looking at woman's fashion and thinking how I can look like that. I think for me as far as CD its also trying to look as good as possible.

I think the majority of society care what others think, it's a bad thing to a point. Well this post has certainly opened a great conversation. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Hugs Katey

I’m not passable or anywhere close but, being passable is a fitness goal to work toward.

To me, 'acceptable', has the proper connotation. The sense of accomplishing a specific goal within (vaguely) definable limits. A bearded man simply putting on a rather dowdy dress does not suggest femininity, womanhood or anything close. On the other hand, some of us are fortunate enough to be recognizable and even desirably feminine with little and even sometimes no augmentation. Some still have features that at least indicate a male, but are still remarkably and impressively feminine. It is all very subjective.

But 'acceptable' does sort of convey success to me without necessarily requiring public approbation as such. It does, however, contain an element of grudging reluctance in granting that approval and then there is the question as to whether that approval is really desired or required.

Still, a very good thought indeed.

Araminta.

Hi, Stephanie.

I meant 'desired' as in whether I would want people to judge me or not. Not because I am not amenable to flattery (I most certainly am) but because I would question their right to make a value judgement when they usually have no clue as to the relevant complexities and motivations involved.

But in another light, I think you means something else and I think you have something there. To me femininity is very much a part of and often (initially at least) defined by the degree of sexual attractiveness to a gynecophilac (attracted to femininity) person.

So far the vast number of cross-dressers I have observed began from a desire to experience femininity if not with another person then with a persona that lies within themselves. That desire is very often sexually based so they create a sexualized version of femininity that can be somewhat of a caricature rather than an accurate representation of womanhood. Even amongst those who matured to be more sophisticated and more intent on being a woman rather than focusing on the sexuality I read the occasional moan that women just don't dress the way they did in the 50s (or pick your favourite decade).

So most cross-dressers 'dress' more, shall we say, elaborately (?), less casually (?) than most other women do. Sometimes a giveaway, actually, even in the most conservative cases as only a cross-dresser or female athenasing woman would take the time and care to be beautiful, feminine and desirable. If one knows what to look for they may be at least suspicious.

But desire can be taken in another way suggesting a sufficient and reasoned consensus that is desired by empathetic and sympathetic observers (including the cross-dressers).

I have often seen photos of cross-dressers who cannot be said to be pretty or sexually desirable but I often marvel at the quality of their femininity. They may be plain-jane elderly ladies but they are definitely ladies. So, in this latter sense those who do not exude the cues and effects heightening lust can and do achieve a presentation that is amenable to the general sensibilities therefore commonly desirable in a sort of gentle sense of propriety.

I mean, dress how you want to but you will judge your appearance as to whether or not it is what you desire. But if you display yourself (photos, videos) your success in achieving a desirable goal will also be judged. Gender is two-way. Based on the beliefs of the person presenting that gender and based on the subjective values of those observing. The two judgements may not necessarily be identical.

So, if to be 'passable' is intended to refer to something that is desired and, eventually, socially normalized, what is that something?

Araminta.