Wife of a Crossdresser

Angelika,

First, thanks for coming here to seek answers instead of just walking away. Our compulsion to dress is difficult to discuss; first because we don't really understand why we do it, ourselves...we just have to do it. And second, many, if not most of us grew up in a society which frowns greatly upon us, labeling us as gay, possible child molesters, and worse. That, plus the knowledge that many have lost their families and friends after being discovered, makes us very secretive and reluctant to talk. If you can get him to understand that you will not judge him harshly, and want to accept or at least tolerate this part of his life, he may be willing to open up to you. Good luck to you both, and I hope it works out.

Bettylou

Angelika

totally understand your reaction, feelings of betrayal, being secretly, a breach of trust. And feeling the dynamics of your relationship have been brought into question. Its extremely painful when he won't talk to you. Your wondering  ‘Is he gay?’ Question is a common one, or you feeling he is somehow less of a man for wanting to cross dress. Most of us are just normal heterosexual men who love to experience what women can but normally prohibited by societal pressures about gender steeeotypes. We just want to try what you can freely experience if you want, make up, a far more interesting range of clothing and accessories, wonderful fabrics and colours. Maybe we want to try something different from the normally ‘drab’ options we have in menswear, shoes etc.
He has probably kept it a secret as he is terrified he would lose you if you found out. Had you known when you were dating would it have adversely affected your opinion of him. And the longer the secret is carried on the harder it is to admit it. He was maybe also afraid you would question his sexuality, think of him as less of a man, something which hurts. For me, and many others, perhaps your husband included it is only looking different for a bit, to stand out, enjoy experiencing new things. I think I look fab when dressed, others may disagree but it’s good for my soul. Perhaps like a hobby or addiction, not trying to play down the situation that you are feeling but there are worse addictions to have.

I hope you can get some communication open, come to terms with it, and come to some kind of compromise. He needs to talk and you certainly need answers.

In relationships we all have to compromise to some extent.

Cdh and it’s resources helped my wife and myself understand more about our individual troubles. I learned more about myself and she with help from a wonderful group we have here exclusive for my wife where many GG gals like yourself could receive the help and support to get the answers your wanted to know. This group – private  ( wives and significant others ) . For you special ladies where Cders are not allowed. Meet with them and get the support you need. Look into other forms written by others who talk about their experiences, their questions they may ask with many offering help and advice so everyone can understand better on so many confusing topic . Many face this troubling ordeal but be assured you have support and help from everyone here . Relax, get comfortable and enjoy being part of this wonderful community that really does care for all that passes through our doors. The best to you both as  you venture through these new paths together . Very happy meeting you and welcome.

Stephanie 🌹

I tried to do that. He claims that he wanted to tell me about it but I have a hard time believing that. Although all the stuff was left in the open in a bag instead of being hidden so maybe he did. I was understanding when we sat and talked about it yesterday but I still have so many questions. I appreciate you for responding. He said he wanted to stop too but I dont know how true that is. If he wants to stop, I will help as best I can and if he wants to continue doing it, I will be understanding but I need to know more. It's just very difficult right now no knowing if that makes sense.

How do I get into the private group? That could really help me. Reading these responses is also helping but it is different when you talk with a woman who went through the same thing.

Hello Angelika

I'm not sure what the timeline is of your discovery but there is alot to be said for the shock factor both of you are feeling. Some of us are secure enough to be upfront and honest but for many CD's there is a real fear of being humiated and losing our partner upon discovery. Its likely crossed his mind but couldn't bring himself to do it and may nit have figured out a way to have that conversation. Its understanding that you're upset, feel somewhat betrayed. Bless you for wanting to be understanding and accepting of this part of him. Now its up to him to step up and own it. It may take a bit of time for him to come grips with this new reality too. It will most certainly require some very calm honest conversations to overcome this obstacle. I hope for both of you that it can be worked out.

It can be so hard to open up about it - first you have to admit to yourself that you're a cross dresser and face up to all the perceived stigma attached to that.

I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok... etc. I quote that song because, at the end, the lumberjack's friends and girlfriend all walk away from him when he proclaims that he puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars.

I do exactly that myself, and it's about a million times less sordid than anyone might think. It's a relaxing, enjoyable new normal for me to do anything I like, dressed the way I like to dress.

But there was a lot of pain involved in getting here.

Admitting it to myself was the hardest, admitting it to my wife only marginally less, because initially, I was less ready to share than I thought.

Hiding away for so many years, starting in childhood, leaves strong habitual and mostly negative, secretive though patterns. It's really not good for mental health.

My wife may still not accept that her husband is a cross dresser, but I have totally embraced my uniqueness, deferring any practice of it out of respect for her feelings, but nonetheless feeling trapped and judged unfairly.

It's a complex web to navigate, and takes time and patience, but my experiences are that the allowance of freedom of expression totally brings its own rewards.

I hope my thoughts are helpful.

Love Laura

Talking to woman as your self is the best thing for you and l will contact someone to help you get hook up. 🌷

For him leaving his things opened for you to see sounds like he's wanting you to know. I can assure you most crossdressers take special care to hid every detail of our secrets. Yes accidents of forgetting something or mistaken a small detail does happen.

Him telling you he's wanting to stop.... very unlikely. This is something that's hard to say no to and to many a feeling that's  been with us a long time but afraid to reveal. You certainly need to know about this and hopefully you will. 🌷

I hope he’ll talk to you and I appreciate you being understanding and trying to get help with it. My ex wouldn’t understand and said all kinds of horrible things. And destroyed all my clothes Many of us Are just regular people that enjoy ladies clothes hey why not their a lot nicer and cuter than men’s clothes. Compare a pair of your panties to a pair of men’s underwear and you get it. Some of us dress because we’re in the wrong body and want to be women as well.  I hope your husband will talk to you and you may want to see a counselor to get help with communication too

Angelika,

First of all, THANK YOU! Thank you for not running from this. Thank you for wanting to discuss this with him and thank you for reaching out to outside sources like CDH to educate yourself and work through what you are feeling. Your story is extremely common. It will take time and a lot of tears but you will most likely find he is the same person you love and married.

I told my wife after 20 years of marriage due to the overwhelming feeling of guilt and deceit. I did so by writing an 8 page letter to her and outline everything about my past present and potential future. I wrote and rewrote it 20+ times. It was cathartic and helped me understand my inner thoughts and feelings and what I hoped for going forward. She read it in my presence and afterwards she was more concerned about me then the content of the letter. You may ask him to do the same as a first step. It may allow him time to put his thoughts in a positive proactive light instead of being defensive and reaching for thoughts and feelings in an awkward face to face Q&A session. After reading the letter it may give you a better understanding from which to ask questions, have open discussions and possibly seek out a counselor or therapist.

He may be hesitant to talk with you because he is in the defensive position. For many CD's we struggle with this for most of our lives. It is only after a years of thought and turmoil when we have resolved it to some extent in our own minds and hearts that we feel confident and vulnerable enough to come out to the ones we love. In your case you found his stash first and he is on the defensive and may not be ready to talk. He may have not fully resolved things within himself and is afraid to accept it or discuss it with you. If he told you first he might have been at peace with himself but you might be on the defensive. Either way someone is caught off guard. Meet in the middle.

As you will find, many/most CD's are 100% heterosexual as I am. I have never wavered from this. I love my wife with all my heart and have no interest in straying. I might sat that I love and respect everything about women to a fault but still love being a man. I think as a result of my CDing I am more considerate, respectful, loving and vulnerable to her and all women. I love shopping with her and for her, giving fashion advice, cooking, watching romantic comedies and listening to her. These are the qualities that she fell in love with in the first place. I see them as qualities gained from being more sensitive to her and even beyond CD'ing.

Best of luck and lets us know how things progress.

Kudos to you for seeking to understand his motivation ! Having an understanding is the key to good comunication. Best wishes !💕

Angelika,
I don't think there is much I can add to this thread, but I did want to join everyone in welcoming you to CDH.

I always find it very inspiring when a SO reaches out to the members here in order to try and understand their partner. The simple fact that you have taken this step tels me that you are an wonderful partner.

I hope that you find CDH helpful and I am sure the wives and SOs group very helpful.

I with you both the very best as you navigate this new aspect of your relationship.

D.

Angelika,

Thank you for turning to outside sources for advice on this matter.  Your husband probably has been hiding this for many years (I don't know your ages though), and is probably not close to ready to bring this all out in the open yet.  I personally only have experience of 'outing' to my sister and other family, but have had a few friends over the years that have been in the situation that you and your husband find yourselves.

One wife really could not understand or begin to handle it, and they split after 12 years of being married.  But there were two who managed to navigate all the obstacles and questions and have stayed together.  Please do not put a deadline on him to explain or open up, but don't just drop the subject.  Small questions at first may be the best approach, something that can be answered or worked through easily.  Try to not lose your temper if he doesn't answer the way you thought he would or should.  And most important to you both, let him know that you are wanting to keep loving him and that you want to understand what he has gone through with dressing in his life and his emotions when he does.

Five years is not a small investment in each other, don't let that disappear.  Be there for each other.  You may find this all terribly hard to absorb, but please try, and let him know that you are.  But, also, let him know that your feelings and emotions are now out there just like his are.  You both have chosen to spend your lives together, as the vows say, "For better or worse", and work TOGETHER to get through this.  It is not just about him, or you, but the both of you.

I apologize if I got a little preachy.  Good luck to you both, and you can get through this together.

PaulaF