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Hi girls,
It happened to me today. I am a trans woman, an intersex female with ample ID to prove the point.
I was shopping with a girlfriend, standing in line at the cashier, with my arms full of feminine hygiene and beauty products. My turn comes and the young male cashier asks, “May I help you, sir?”
I was actually a bit stunned and momentarily stopped in my tracks, but said nothing and paid for my purchase. The cashier asked me if I’d like a bag and I said, “Yes please”, thanked him and left.
According to my friends and co workers, I present as a woman and speak in a very acceptable feminine voice. I was fully dressed, hair done, makeup, and was talking with my girlfriend. I really don’t know what he saw and why he chose to misgender me.
It doesn’t happen that often, in fact in the 19 months that I have been living as a woman, it has only happened less than a dozen times, so I really can’t complain. But for some reason, this time it really bugged me, and now I’m wondering what my response should be and what I can do when it happens.
I'd love to hear your thoughts ladies, thank you.
Hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
Hi Lauren, It's happen to me too in both directions. I gave up on getting mad or even trying to figure it out years ago. I can be called ma'am when I'm just off the tractor in my oil spotted work clothes that have no shape, and then again called sir when I'm cleaned up wearing my tight jeans, cleavage top and have my long blond hair in a ponytail. I look somewhat androgynous so I guess that's my lot and perhaps it's the same for cis women that look more boyish. Most times I figure that it's not worth the bother of a correction but sometimes I'll say "actually it's ma'am too or actually it's sir too", and I may add that "I'm an intersex person and I'm mixed with both parts. We make up about 2% of the population and are as common as redheads. It might work out better if you just changed your greeting to something like "hello, did you find everything that you were looking for? or perhaps, hello, and welcome to our store, or perhaps (my favorite), hello, nice to see you today" and then leave it at that. Sometimes this will evolve into a mini lesson on intersex people (my passion) or just be a small educational moment where a new person learns that there is something called intersex (and it's nothing dirty). (I actually did this on Thursday night in a store and the clerk thanked me and said that she had never heard the word intersex mentioned before but what I said made complete sense). I think of this misgendering situation in my life as just a small social error and much the same as when people call me Marge (IT"S MARG, my brain screams) but then in most cases I will just say "it's Marg, like the first part of Margaret but with no regrets, Marge is my mother". Again with no malice but correcting a social misstep. This happens all the time...Molly is called Mary or Millie or Bobby gets called Billy etc. I know it can be especially maddening or hurtful but it's the human existence and the life for some of us. This is just an explanation of how I see it but not an excuse for your treatment and I'm truly sorry that it happened to you. Perhaps these thoughts might help you in the future. Live your life and enjoy it so much that the small pebbles on the footpath don't trip you but are just a bother. Hugs to you my Sister, Marg
Hey Lauren!
I think being misgendered comes with the territory for girls like us. For the most part it doesn't bother me. Ignorance is bliss! In a situation like that, does a stranger misgendering me warrant a response? Most of the time I would say no. Correcting them confirms you're trans to anyone nearby....people that might not otherwise know. On the other hand, if it's someone I know or interact with on occasion, I would probably correct them. Especially if it happens repeatedly.
/EA
Of course it bugged you Lauren as he clearly didn't say what he saw. We could surmise the motives but then these things are bound to happen and they do, usually a stern glare is enough to put them straight. I can honestly say that misgendering for me is extremely rare and the only real issue is on the phone. I do introduce myself as Angela and generally the person on the other end is switched on and will refer to me in the feminine. It has happened during the conversation where the person slipped but is usually followed by a sincere apology or sometimes they forget as I have a male voice but will not make a fuss.
As others have said it is something we have to accept and as long as there are no other consequences we ride it through as for the most part it is never an issue. Keep calm and carry on Lauren.
I had it happen to me at a restaurant once, when while dressed and presenting female, the waiter insisted on calling me sir. I asked a GG friend about it, who asked her 'live-in crossdressing domestic', and this is what I was told.
You should correct them and ask for them to call you ma'am. But if they still insist, don't be afraid to "go over their head" and talk to management. (The second statement comes from a different incident where the people at the supermarket were actually laughing while they were checking out; my friend went back in right away and talked to management about it.)
I say just let it pass since it is a casual encounter. I prefer not to make a dramatic scene or embarrass people over it
Hi Lauren
Ignore his ignorance hun chances are he might be deliberately being a A**hole, your a far better person than him.
Sarah xx
In the rare instance it has happened to me, I just laugh it off. One of my favorite remarks is, "Was it my voice that gave me away"? Another is, "Oh, you saw right through my makeup." I never let it bother me. I never let the person making the remark get the upper hand.
Fortunately, where I live, check-out lines are always so long that cashiers do not have time to misgender people deliberately or otherwise, particularly if it is a national brand name store. Their employee training includes addressing customers, using proper pronouns. They will gladly correct their mistake, if it is called to their attention. I realize other parts of the country and world are not as fortunate
It has happened to me once or twice,at the time I was in a dress and heels while looking at a mall directory sign by a very homophobic father and his son.I replied to him,"Thank you Maam",while looking him directly in his eyes.He colored red,and moved on very quickly.The other time was a mistake by a sales associate in Pennys,she immediately corrected herself ,and I as Michelle made some kind of joke about it.No big deal,my friend.You are a kind and beautiful woman Lauren.Go on with your life and be the best lady you can be.You are an insparation to us because of your feminiety.Dont stop now girl.YOU GO GIRL.
It has happened to me twice in the 16 months since I came out. Both times it was due to my not very feminine voice and it was not done with malice either time. Just honest slips of the tongue.
I was misgendered once while completly drab. An older lady said to the service lady to serve the lady first. That made me laugh.
Your reaction to something/someone says everything about you and nothing about it/them. This works both ways: that young person's reaction to you says everything about him and nothing about you.
If it bothers you, then to me the first thing is to do some introspection - why does it bother me? what kind of reaction from me does it merit?
No one can force anyone to behave in any manner - this young person is free to behave how he likes. If he did it intentionally, then as above, it says everything about him. Does he know you better than you? No. So my reaction is to smile and goon with my day. This stranger's opinion affects me not at all.
😉 M
To me, this sounds like an insensitive remark coming from the mouth of a very naive person. If there were even the slightest question or he picked up on a "tell" of some sort a more sensitive, worldly SA would have simply said "May I help you?" without getting into the gender identity question at all. If this person was deliberately trying to get under your skin it probably would have happened a second time - and might be something to call to the attention of management if you were made to feel uncomfortable.
I will try to remember the words I am writing now when - not if - it happens to me.
If you ever run into him again and the same thing happens, I would consider saying something. Otherwise - water under the bridge.
Kisses,
Fredrika Jones
While it has happened to me a few times. I really don't believe any of these were intended with malice. While it is sort of awkward when it happens. I usually just smile and roll with it as though it was just a Freudian slip. I really don't want to get into an open debate with someone who doesn't know me, as to whether or not I am Female.
