[Closed] Telling My Wife

There will, I'm sure, be some that say don't  tell her, but for me, I would say you need to be honest with your wife and explain your feelings.

Feeling "deceived" and "betrayed' can be a fairly standard response - many women feel they have been cheated out of the future the envisioned and angry as they have been "used" as a family provider and not valued for themselves.

However, when you entered into the relationship were you a full time crossdresser? Did you understand your own feelings or even know what they were? Or did you feel it was just a bit of "male fantasy that all blokes probably had but just didn't talk about?"  Cross dressing and gender diversity is such a newly accepted thing and 40yrs ago when you got together the world was a very different place and what is acceptable and more understood now was very different back then.

Your wife will be very confused right now, she may be questioning whether you want to transition, the usual "are you gay", do you want to leave her etc since she's found the leaflet, I know I would be and she will possibly be hurt that you won't explain or talk to her.  Her fears are coming from a place of half truths and misinformation so I think, yes you should sit down and talk to her.

Her confusion, and probably resulting anger, are not going to go away just because you want them to, probably the opposite and it will drive an even bigger wedge between you.  You have to be open, honest, allow her to rant and get upset, explain that it's not about your feelings for her but about your feelings about yourself.  Also think of this as your "way in" to opening up to your wife and will you regret not taking the opportunity later on in life? What happens if your secret comes out later? Will it cause more problems that you had the ideal opportunity to open up and didn't? That's only going to lead to more feelings of being deceived.

Also, do you think your wife will let it go just now?  Or will she go looking for her own answers and find any stash you have hidden away? Then what? That's just going to lead to confrontation so a controlled, educated talk would hopefully have a much better outcome.

Penny Jay and I both read the book "Living with Crossdressing : defining a new normal" by Savannah Haulk and I thoroughly recommend it as well.

I wish you well in whatever you choose.

xx

A wonderful book , great recommendation Mandy Wife 🌹🌹

Thanks girls.    I really do appreciate the advice.  Mandy you have hit so many good points.    Some of the questioning has already occurred.   You description of what is happening is spot on.  It’s like you were there.   I know I need to discuss the matter with her.    I Pam sure it’s going to happen.    Thinking this all through like I didn’t for my first planned outing and makeover.   Although that was soooo fun.  This not so much.

Annie:

Her biggest fear is most likely what does this mean to her & her future. It will take time to process how she feels about you with a new extra layer. I was afraid of more surprises so I wanted all the info then I went into self protection mode. We talked on a more vulnerable level than ever before & I felt more loved than ever before. I had longed for a deeper connection for quite some time. Don’t think she hasn’t felt you pulling away during your discovery of your true self.
In my opinion A marriage lacking in honesty is not worth having.
You deserve better than living in hiding, maybe she deserves your commitment to be a trustworthy spouse.
it probably won’t go smoothly but forward movement is better than limbo.. good luck to you both.

I completely agree with everything Honey and Mandy said. However, have you had professional therapy? Or have you just been trying to DIY your way through this? That's about the only part you can control at this point, involving a professional who understands the subject well and can guide you to the correct path.

When it comes to your wife, Mandy said it very well. Avoiding to talk about it is the only way to ensure that she comes up with the answers that fit the narrative in her head, even if they are not the real answers. And if she does the same as you, I don't see this having a happy ending. You are in damage control mode, I am afraid. Not much else is in your control.

I can only tell you how I would have reacted if I was in her shoes. I would have started putting an escape plan in place and one day he would have come back to an empty house, with only the divorce papers waiting for him. Because the time to talk would have been when it happened, not after I had already made my decision. You know your wife and her tolerance level, of course. But people can surprise us, even when we think we know them well. Good luck.

Aaaww thank you Annie, I'm glad I've been able to help even just a little - I've learnt a lot in my short time in here from other wives and SOs and how they have felt, I may not have had the same experiences but I can understand how they feel, and add to the mix my own experiences with Penny Jay and knowing how our situation has evolved over the 30+ yrs we have been together, and the world is such a different place now than it used to be that's for sure!

Oh gosh, what a painful situation for you and your wife!

I'm just wondering, was there a part of you that wanted her to know, by leaving it on your desk (even if under other papers)? Keeping secrets, especially from your spouse, is hard work and a strain on all of your being, physical, spiritual and emotional.

I can only speak from a wife's perspective here, and I'm talking about my previous marriage (of 15 years) at this point. When I look back, it was my ex-husband's inability/refusal to talk about questions/issues about us as individuals and between us that I feel most angry and betrayed about.

It's not the questions/issues themselves, more the way he went about dealing with them.For me it felt like coming up against an immovable brick wall. Actually, a silent, immovable brick wall. There was absolutely no opportunity for growth there, either together or for myself. And that ended in me having to look for growth outside our partnership, after he had left obviously.

My opinion of him now? Ah Jeez, so immature and basically like a sulky adolescent. I deserved so much more. And funnily enough, he's with a much younger woman now.

So, back to you. Can you find a counsellor? One who specialises in gender questions? For yourself obviously. And/or maybe a marriage counsellor. I think it might help in learning how to speak to each other.

My partner now went to marriage counselling when he was preciously married, and I can absolutely tell that from the way he interacts with me when there's something to talk over. We can talk about stuff in a calm way. And importantly it feels like there's space and time to reflect without becoming overwhelmed by whatever feelings we may be having. So I feel like I can be very open and honest with him and that there's the space and time for me to be so.

And as someone who had been to counselling for my anxiety, I can totally attest to how much it's helped me learn not only to deal with it, but to talk about it with other people (when I want to/need to).

So yes, a big thumbs up for all of that from me. Perhaps something to look into and find out about? And maybe include your wife in that discussion too? Because you are married.

Ladies, I want to thank you all for your kind responses.  I have read each and everyone several times and am taking Many of the comments to heart.  I feel I owe my wife total honesty.    I want to discuss this with her.  So far she has been silent on the topic.   When I look back at clues I have left, I often wonder if I was trying to get her to open the discussion.  From shaved legs to soft skin, the clues are there.   I think I just need to “woman up” and tell her.   My Annie side is getting stronger by the day.  I love my feminine side and would love to be able to share it with my wife, for better or for worse.

I got you beat at 42 years of marriage,Mandy Wife. We are both Born again Christians [my Wife is more devout than me], one day she asks me if I would go to a Marriage seminar at church,to which I reluctantly said yes. The pastor made a statement which was" whatever happens behind closed doors im a marriage is ok" so I just bided my time to tell her,and now at this point We can joke about it. Ihope someday that you can reach this level.

love Debbie.

Just a short update ...  since I wrote this post September 2020 a lot has happened.   My wife inadvertently received pics of me In various dresses.     She then outed me to daughters and friends.    I felt attacked but at the same time relived because now it wasn’t a secret anymore.    I began therapy to deal with the disclosure and to her help communicating about the issue with family and friends.  My wife and I are still together and are dealing with it but she just wants it to go away.   She told everyone I crossdress.   I have since explained to everyone that I am transgender and I have no control over this. It is who I am deep within me.  My desire to be Annie on a regular basis is getting stronger and stronger.

my wife has gone through the range of emotions that were described above by various Ggs.  She is now at home denial and anger.  We are trying to make it work but she want her husband back and I don’t know if I can give her that.   I repeatedly tell her I haven’t changed.  It’s still the same me but the difference is those around me have knowledge they didn’t have before.  However I am now beginning to doubt this truth.   Perhaps I have changed.  The woman 👩🏼 in me is getting stronger and stronger daily.   I think of being her 24/7.   Previously I would have never thought about any type of transition but now the thought of hrt intrigues me.    I am such a confused girl   But I am a girl.   This much is my truth.  Baby steps.  Time with twll

Huggs and 😘😘😘 to all.      Annie.

Hi Annie. Firstly I’m very sorry you’re wife’s reaction was to ‘out’ you to everyone, that does not seem fair to me at all. Although I am desperate to talk to someone about my husband’s cross dressing I couldn’t out him like that, it really wouldn’t be fair.

From what you have said about how much your dressing has evolved since your wife found out, if I was your wife I would feel my worse fears had come true, that my husband wanted to be a woman full time and therefore instead of having a husband I would now have a wife.
You say you are the same person you have always been but the problem is your wife & the people around you haven’t known that person because there is a significant part of you that you kept hidden from them, that they are are only now getting to know. It’s most definitely not a bad part of you but it is a different you.

Maybe you have already done this, & maybe it’s obvious but can you take some time to really think about how you would feel if your wife started presenting herself as a man! Not just wearing trousers but all her clothes, changing her hair, maybe wearing prosthetics to change her physical appearance and then at the same time changing how she acts & thinks, to try to put yourself in her shoes. Would you want your wife back?

The other most important thing I can suggest if you really want to stay together is to keep talking to her. Really talk to her and don’t leave it to her to come to you because as the others have said, if you are not talking to her then she is making up her own answers in her head and they are probably not the same answers that you would give.

Good luck Annie, it sounds like you have some big decisions to make but as you say baby steps is the best way to deal with it. Sending hugs xx

My ex wife outed my crossdressing to our children , family and friends . I’m wondering how you handled your being outed . And how that’s has changed your life .