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Hello. I am new here. I am the Wife of a CrossDresser. I've been aware for most of our 30+ year marriage, and although I want to be supportive, I admit, I am a bit overwhelmed. Over the years, we've tried to integrate this into our marriage and our lives, with brief periods of minor success, but we've also had significant dry spells and conflict as a result of these issues.
I am interested in being supportive to my CD'ing husband, and am here seeking advice in regards to helping him being more comfortable sharing with me.
Unfortunately, I have my own issues (don't we all) and sometimes when he tries sharing his fantasies with me, I get overwhelmed, (I asked for a nice meal and he provides a smorgasboard) and I tend to shut down and retreat. I want to stop doing this and I don't know how to get through that I need to start with a toe-dip in the water, not being thrown in the deep end head-first. I lack confidence, and I have a hard time with role-playing. These are areas in which he needs my participation and feels let down when I am not providing it, for whatever reasons (the reasons don't seem to make any difference).
I, personally, am not a very feminine woman. I was a 'tomboy' as a kid and teenager, and consider myself practical, not feminine. I don't derive any particular pleasure from wearing makeup although I can admit to feeling a particular sense of 'sexiness' when wearing sexy leather outfits. However, when it comes to complete ensembles, my husband has more of those than I do. I honestly don't even know what constitutes a complete ensemble, I just know that I don't own any.
This may be a bit much for a brief introduction, but I always did overshare.
Open to advice,
LenaDewdrops
Others here will have much more useful information on the vagaries of a SO (Significant Other) and her dealings with a cross-dresser, so I'll not make advisory statements here , but if you were going to go anywhere for advice, this is a damn good place to start.
I see you have already made friends with LauraNew who was in a similar situation to you.
Becca
Welcome to CDH, Lena, and thanks for wanting to learn more about your husband. Looking for help / advice isn't oversharing.
First things first. If you want private communication with other CD spouses, you can apply for access to a separate sub-forum. An ambassador can help you.
Secondly, if you have known about your husband's crossdressing for over thirty years, that would possibly make you about in your 50s. That would be quite a burden to deal with for quite some time, so thank you for not shying away from things for so long.
You also suggest that your husband is still fantasizing about crossdressing. That is interesting because most members here indicate that they grow out of doing that, eventually, so I guess it depends on your definition of fantasy.
Is there any chance that your husband would be interested in joining CDH?
You are starting off a new year with reaching out to others, Lena. I am sure that good things will come out of you doing that, and I look forward to hearing more from you.
@lenadewdrops Welcome! I'm always quite happy when an SO has the courage to jump in and ask/discuss/opine, so good on ya! 🙂
I would start by repeating my standard mantra: "Someone's reaction to you says everything about them and nothing about you." Clearly, then, the reverse is true - your reaction to someone says everything about you.
So what does this mean? When your husband is opening the flood gates to share, that's his reaction. He's been keeping this all pent up for (insert time frame here) and so when you ask, I expect he's mostly like, "Finally!" and proceeds to back up the truck and dump it all out. So his reaction is really about having the chance to finally share.
When he does so, you feel overwhelmed, but that reaction seems mostly because you feel out of your depth on the topic and so all of that info is too much to comprehend. You've asked an algebra question and he's gone zipping through that and right in to the calculus.
So each of your reactions are understandable; the question is what to do about them. I would suggest that when you approach with your question you put the preface out there that you'd like the "beginner's version" of things and though you're not judging him, it's simply too big of a bite for you to take all at once. If he does get a little exuberant with his answer, then you very gently try to nudge him back on the 101 track.
When he begins his answer, he needs to be aware, despite his desire to get to the advanced stuff, if he wants to get there with you, then he needs to let you start with the more basic courses first and progress - just as he did, be it some years ago.
To me the good news seems to be that you don't have a CD issue or a real marital issue, you have a communication issue, and those can be worked on!
Best of luck! 🙂
Hi Lena
Welcome to CDH - I am sure others will say or have said the same, but joining is a very positive step for you and your husband's relationship. There is a wealth of support and friendship here, so much advice and friendly shoulders to lean on.
There is no easy answer and no one fix for all situations - it will still take work, honesty and love from both of you, and I sense you both want your relationship to work and grow - recognising this is also an important step rather than just giving up on each other and drifting apart. So it is great you are making that commitment to at least give things a go and learn along the way.
The fact you are here, even if it was at your husband's suggestion, shows you are willing to understand and you are open learn about what cross dressing means, and you are looking for support to help you. You will find it here, both from other CD members, and their SO's. You will also see that there are many other couples in similar situations - some more and some less complex. Everyone is different, and has different needs, and I include both sides of the relationship in that.
Your husband is asking you to understand him better, and the other side to him - but there is also your side to the story, that he must be willing to understand too - it is a two way street, as life is really. So by you coming here, seeking answers and support is fantastic, but don't forget he needs to return the favour to you, with respect, love, patience and him understanding you better too - whatever that may mean to you both.
I think that once you have a better insight, and have spoken to others, it is good to set up some "ground rules" that you are "happy" with - i.e. what you are accepting of, and what you are not, and to what degree you want to (or not) be involved. You'll read that some SO's are accepting, but don't want to be involved (don't ask don't tell) and others are fully accepting, and fully involved (go out together etc) - and everything in between. There is no right or wrong, every couple is different. There are also many members who are fully in the closet, and their SO doesn't know - they may plan to keep it this way, or one day reveal. But I personally think the truth being out is better for relationships, even if it isn't easy to accept and needs work.
I'm hoping one day my wife will also join the SO group, as I think it would help our relationship too. I'm working on that, we'll have to see.
No doubt that some words of wisdom, comfort and support will be coming your way from the SO's in the group, I see Laura New has already been in touch - she seems so lovely and I am sure she will be of great support to you.
I'd better stop wittering on - I wish you both the very best of luck and hope this site helps with the journey. Do let us know how things go.
Warm wishes
Jen x
Welcome Lena, you are likely to find a ton of info on this site. I confessed to my wife after many years together that I had been dressing since childhood. Her response was that she had suspected as much "for a while" but then knew for sure about a year before I told her after stumbling across some of my things.
Without going into details, I'll say that she accepted fairly quickly and we had a few years of sharing together. We both had our own boundries that we set together during open discussions that neither violated. She was a champ but in hindsight I know that a group like this would've been beneficial for both of us. I hope you & your husband both find that CDH is beneficial.
Riki
Hi Lena,
Welcome to CDH. Good that both you and your SO are members on the site. Being overwhelmed isn’t unusual. As your questions arise jot them down in a post and see what the replies say.
How wonderful you are to support your spouse!
Alice
Hi Lena
Firstly welcome to CDH, you have come to the right place for help and support. Laura New will be a great help to you, so do sign up for the SO's section. You have taken the brave step in joining CDH and telling your story. That is a very good start, but clearly after 30 years there is something missing between you and your husband. I don't know what that is, but you are overwhelmed by it all and I wonder if your needs are really being considered as much as they should. This is not a criticism of your husband, but perhaps a different approach needs to be considered because what you are doing is not working. One thing I always ask in these situations is "How are you?" Because all too often the SO gets left behind when the CD gets her freedom. Your happiness is as important as your husband's, without it, without you feeling happy and comfortable it will never work.
I wonder if you are trying to compare yourself with your CD partner and feeling that you are not good enough, or perhaps thinking that 'she' looks better than you. You say you are a tomboy, not a very feminine woman, well that may be the case, obviously I don't know you or your husband, but a very good piece of advice is never compare yourself or try to compete with your CD partner. The reason for that is that in almost every case the CD is not trying to look better than their partner. Many CD's (and I don't know your husband so this is a generalisation) think with the male brain, they dress in a way that as a man they like women to dress. So it is not a 'competition' between the SO and the CD, it's a competition between the dreams of the CD and how well they manage to present themselves. If this is the case then the answer is just be yourself, if you don't want to wear makeup and a girly dress, then don't..... Most CD's dress to express their feminine side, in one form or another. Although you accept your partners crossdressing, and you have to be praised for that because sadly many SO's do not, that does not mean you should be overwhelmed by it all.
As a lifelong crossdresser, I have learnt that sharing this side of my life with a woman, be it partner or close friend is about me being the person I want to be but also always taking into account the needs, desires and above all happiness of my partner or friend. Because if you can get it right being 'girls' together is one of the best experiences you will ever have....
If you want to ask any questions or discuss anything then please feel free to PM me.....
Andrea x
🎄🎄🎄 Hi Lena.
I Understand it can be overwhelming, sure it would , but can be a good thing on some points, You know he very much Loves you , I think you got the right start ( being supportive to my CD'ing husband, and am here seeking advice in regards to helping him being more comfortable sharing with me.) Just be open and keep on being supportive, just give it time, its all so so new, for you both . him dealing with his new overwhelming feeling .. and you the same .
Stephanie👠
Welcome to CDH.
Hi Lena,
First of all welcome. Second, thank your for supporting your husband. So many of us wish for that support but never achieve it.
As for your "tomboy" background, that's you. Obviously he loves that as he loves you. As to him having different tastes in women's clothing, well isn't that why there are so many choices? When I came out to my wife she thought I was compensating for things she lacked. That was never the case. Just because I love lingerie and dresses and she doesn't has no bearing on her at all. Our tastes are individual. While my wife prefers casual attire and mostly wears slacks I prefer being more feminine in my appearance. I am older and as I told her I don't wear nylons because she no longer does, I was wearing them Before she ever did. I began in the era of women in dresses for the majority of the time. Leave it to Beaver and all that. It's a look I prefer. What she wears is what she prefers. The same goes for you.
The best thing you can do is Talk. Talk to your husband and tell him what you have told us. Communication is the best thing. It's what most of us would love to have and sorely miss. Honesty about your feelings and ask for the same from him. It will all work out.
Hi Mrs Lena so nice to meet you and so happy you found this wonderful place for help.. As many of us ladies here can use the help from a wonderful wife many ladies don't have that option in there life .. As you are trying to help your girlfriend/Husband to understand and help them both I praise you for that .. As my wife of 42 years now were married i came out to her then and she has supported Stephanie every minute of our 42 years and she is also a member here so reach out and as Laura New is a big help here please ask many questions and Mrs Lena will get many answers good luck and please dont be a stranger we all love to chat ..
Stephanie Bass
Hi Lena,
Welcome to CDH.
Joan
Hi, It is nice to have the spouse of a crossdresser here at CDH.
I am in no position to offer advice, but certainly your spouse is relieved that you are seeking information on crossdressing. Although difficult, it is better than shutting down communication.
My wifey is not particularly supportive, but at least we can talk about crossdressing and how it affects the two of us.
Welcome.... Staci...
Ah yes , that's my dewdrops, I am glad she is here as I do lover her very much, yes we have been married for 30 years, my cross-dressing has taken a toll but we all have a few skeletons in our closet And my Dewdrops has her fair share also and by the way we did try the therapy thing Cassie and sadly to say each and every one of the "Dr's'" were morons and it wouldn't be ladylike to tell who dropped out first, My wife has an exceptionally high IQ also, maybe not as high as mine but not oblivious to my desires and she is an extremely good artist I assure you her ability to craft a story is at times much greater than mine Her inability to stand firm as the ocean empty's is not due to true overwhelming in any sense of the meaning . And there is also a value of exchange the leaves a lot to be desired. I am sure there are a lot of us gurls that have had to give up a lot to co-exist and sadly the cost can be too high as we have discovered in the past As my respect for her is much greater than she may note I will let her tell you what was demanded of me If you wish to know you will have to ask her privately and she may tell you, I did ask her to check out the site, talk to some of the other members and their wives and maybe she can get some incite on why we do what we do, Neither of us needs or asks for pity as we have both made our beds on toxic ground many times and survived intact mostly. her decision to interact at all with me is hers to make and any direct influence will have minimal alterations to her actions. And maybe justification is all she is looking for, which I told her was not necessary I will not feel any regret for my actions and she does not feel any regret for hers, we both would feel much better if we could understand our own motivations and desires and some of you here have made it work and you relationship may have prospered due to it We are both smart enough to know we don't have the answers and are not afraid to ask. We don't need a Dr I guess unless he is smarter than us combined which would put that IQ somewhere in the area 0f 275-280 in which case we can't afford him or her. and anyone over 130 pretty much already had some issue most people are not even aware exists (There is always a balance) , ours are pretty common. I think the only ones who can actually help us are the people that share a common ground. I look forward to talking to everyone here as does Dewdrops I believe. I plan on staying and hopefully meeting with some of my friends here, Dewdrops may or may not as her quest like mine is far from over.
Kisses.....