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Hello to all the ladies and allies around.
I'm Kris, 26yo from Prague CZ, and I am actually in need of help from you. This is gonna be a long story, but I would really appreciate if you would be willing to read through it and give me a comment with your experiences, thoughts and feelings. I aim to seek a help from a professional TS psychologist soon, but I feel more comfortable to first ask real girls anonymously on the internet and get some idea about the others. Note in the beginning: I am well aware about some terms being considered insulting or inappropriate and I deeply apologize if I use them wrongly, it is definitely not my intention.
I started to explore CD stuff with my former girlfriend, who was really supportive and even encouraging, with her rather masculine mindset sometimes. Sadly, two years ago we split up in the "marriage or nothing" situation. She remains the only person who knows everything about this part of mine. She was the only person who saw me in private, and who saw me also in public when we attended couple of underground parties I wouldn't get any stares.
Since I lost the supportive person in her, I tried to explore my mind alone and tried to understand everything. I don't want to take this part of mine any further in terms of surgeries, but having memories of "I want to try do things the girl way" starting around age of 4 seems to me to rule out a mere sexual fetish.
I dug deeper and came out to a conclusion that I have actually three different personalities that come with a full-featured set of way of thinking, gestures, approach to other people, and probably also a taste in sex, in fact. For most of my life I was staying in what I named "noir", genderless entity that is rather submissive, and reserved against strangers. While genderless, noir prefers dominant women, but would like to try a man some day.
When I was born, until the very last minute I showed on the ultrasound as a baby girl - that's where I assume are roots of Kristina, as that was the name in my papers, and I always told by my relatives: "Oh, you were always supposed to be Kristina!". Now I adopted her as my girl identity, she is unusually extrovert and happy to chat with any stranger that shows interest, as she has proven when I was out on an underground party dressed and I grabbed a confused tourist wandering around under my wings and showed him around the club for the evening. Kris wants to be treated as a submissive, but loved girl by a dominant man and can be very provoking at them to achieve it.
This would still work well together, but since I got into a new job in international corporation and quickly became quite successful throughout the last year, it was under the rule of the only male personality of mine, who while not plainly aggresive, is very ambicious, target-focused and dominant in everyday business situations. And that's where all the things twist and complicate a lot.
From what I found this would be most accurately described as dissociative identity disorder, which helps me understand a lot of what is happening in my mind, except for one thing - DID is involuntary, but I -do- have control over most of the personality switches. I know that with friends noir will be caring about them and in the office the man will make sure all projects go as planned. I know that when I step on high heels, Kris will show up. And all three know about each other and share all memories, which rules DID probably out.
I would of course like to have a healthy relationship. However, I ran into the situation where those three keep arguing about what the partner should be like not only in terms of character, but sadly also sex.
After more than a year of dealing with this, I plan a therapy with a pro to help me understand and somehow deal with this situation. Before I speak to anyone in reality though, I am more comfortable to speak out anonymously here, and I in all honesty want to know if you girls deal with the same struggle. Did or do you fear that this may grow up to some disorder problem that requires medical attention? (Now mind that I am not speaking about being trans as an illness, but mainly about possible DID and its impacts on every day life.) If so, how are you coping up with that? Have you come to any meaningful conclusion? Or do you feel it in a completely different way maybe?
Frankly, I am thankful for any comment, thought, experience. I never spoke with any CD/TV/TS before about it and I have absolutely no idea how other people feel or think about it. Please do let me know, be it here or in PMs. I feel like I need some friends I can talk to openly.
Thanks to everyone who read it all the way down here.
With love,
Kristina.
Hello Kristina!
Welcome to CDH !
I love that you wanted to ask the real girls here first. I am sure that I am not the one to help you on these specific issues........... while trying to type this up I tried 3 different ways to describe how I see myself and ended up deleting all three attempts. I think that sums up why I am not the one to help on these specific issues. Insert gender into blender hit puree..... I guess I'm trying to say I have my own issues, which is a big part of why I'm here.
The good news is I believe there are many ladies here who can offer you advice and support based on their own experiences. I like to tell new members to do a few things....... Take the time to learn how to navigate the site. Read articles, forum posts, member profiles. Add some helpful information to your profile. It helps to get to know you. Mostly I like to say participate. The best way for us to know you and you to get to know us is to participate. Don't be shy the ladies here are very friendly.
Hugs
Autumn
Kristina, you certainly found the right place to explore and learn. Many may feel our obsessions maybe an illness some sort of mental defect but how can this be when in many ways our passion really improves our health. It makes me feel so much better in body and mind. I haven't found many things that better my life other than my marriage, my beautiful kids and of course my feminine desires. I'm happy to be who I am and so happy to find a place like this to truly enjoy who I am with gals like myself. Meet many of our gals just like yourself who are experiencing their love for dressing. Making friends is so much fun and having them to talk to, share advice and most importantly a respect of what you mean to us and yourself . Your in good company and know we can and will support you through theses amazing times. Happy to meet you and welcome .
Stephanie 🌹
Hi Kristina,
Thank you for such a great first post, I need to read it over again to fully understand everything, but welcome !
Nikki x
I have been relieved these last few days that I am not the only one who feels that their gender identity has been put through the blender. Sorry for any typos, on my phone at the moment. Not sure this helps Kristina but I can certainly sympathize with the idea that I don't find my situation involuntary in the sense that I can go to work as who I choose and be who I choose. What I am struggling with is with the idea of Dona had a bigger role would that make my male persona (not sure if I like that term ) happier with its part. A lot of this also has to do with my morphing sexuality that I am still having issues coming to terms with.
Well, Kris, I'm also not sure that I'm the right one for you, but since you are asking for experiences, I will tell you about mine.
Firstly, I'm married, and have been for about 35 years, and my wife knows, and is supportive. Like others here, I also tend to dislike labels, though they do help to identify one's self, so I would describe myself as a crossdresser, since I do not believe that I ever will want to medically transition. I want to stay as a husband to my wife!
Also, that said, I find that Amy wants more time out and in the limelight, so to speak, so I'm trying to find a balance between the two.
I have dressed from my pre teens, then didn't for years and years, just me, nothing, or nobody made me give it up, then started a bit, but about the time last year it started to become like tsumani in my head. Instead of dressing up every few months, I wanted to every week, or more. Though I must say that for quite a few years I had thought of dressing up so completely, make up, nice clothes, etc., but what was new is the want, or rather NEED to dress. So I quite agree with you that for me, this is also deeper than a sexual fetish. There is discussion here about medical and biological reasons for this, and though I don't profess to know any answer, I think that there is something like that.
I do have the two sides, the regular guy, which I'm sure those that know me as a guy, would be surprised and perhaps shocked at the Amy side. I'm sure that many would accept Amy, but others wouldn't, and that's a bridge that I don't want to cross right now, and perhaps never. However, wow(!), I must say that I never thought I'd be in this space, so I cannot say how I will be a few more years down the road!
Hope that this helps you!
Amy
Welcome Kristina!
Kristina-
I’m certainly not any kind of medical professional, but I do have a question that come from my own struggle. It is simply this: In your heart, when are you most at peace? I ask this as someone who has also lived successfully in different roles, some as a male, some as a female. I’ve had some financial success in male roles and because of that I’ve always presented that way. But when I want to be at peace, when I want to be the me that feels most normal and right, then my female persona prevails. This is the part of me that can appreciate others in a non-competitive manner. It is the me that can listen to music or look at art and truly appreciate the emotion that went into its creation. This is the me that brings me the most happiness and contentment. If you do seek professional help with your dilemma, then one of the objectives of that help will be to arrive at what you, at your core, really desire. This is a really tough reality to reach. There are seductive aspects to all of the different aspects we have created to survive, but in the end it is, for me, arriving at that place that most feels like home. I wish you the best in your quest for finding that for yourself. Please don’t let your tendency to be submissive allow other to make that decision for you. Only after you find your true self are you in the right position to then submit voluntarily. Wherever this journey leads you, I hope you find the peace and contentment you seek.
Thank you Amy for sharing, I feel that your experience is somewhat similar, which sort of helps me know that I am not standing out so much. When I first started exploring this world few years ago I simply thought there are crossdressers (who either do it for sex, or even for general enjoyment of clothes itself) and transsexuals, who have different body from mind. However when I tried to dig deeper, I realized I don't feel even close to either of those. Thankfully the world mindset is in our favor now and I seem to be able to explore more about myself in younger age nowadays and hopefully even turn it (multiple points of view from different personae) to my advantage in life.
Thanks Brenda for sharing, your post set few things into my mind. First, at the moment (and before any therapy experience) I am not sure - even more, I doubt - that there will be a single persona I will be able to decide for in the end. That's probably my part of the struggle, I feel neither like a boy dressed up, nor like a girl trapped in wrong body. I feel like they are separately living in my head in their own rooms and I am able (thankfully) voluntarily choose which I want to let out for the moment being.
I do start feeling advantages of realizing this already however. Since I got a job not so demanding on my brain and got time and energy to explore myself - and discover all this - I slowly realized that I am able to be ambicious and pushing forward in business communication when I let man by the wheel, but what I wasn't able to do before: I am able to let Kris by the wheel when my team or friends need a mental support and someone to hear them and pat them on shoulder. Which is something I never did before and was mainly known among friends to be little to non emotive and even severely non-empathic just like five years ago.
